Kalix had no reason to feel hurt, but he still felt hurt. Even when he stopped walking, Alexander didn’t turn back to look at him or hold his hand. Even when he grabbed his sleeve, Alexander looked at him as if telling him to let go.
“When did I ever do that? I told you I don’t get angry at you.”
That voice was nothing but soothingly gentle, but Kalix vividly remembered everything – the path to the dining hall, the dining hall itself, the path from there back to their room, right after entering the room. All of it was vivid.
“So you said you don’t get angry at me, but you were angry despite saying that.”
Thinking about it made him want to cry again, but he barely held it back. Kalix didn’t usually cry easily. He really didn’t. But when it involved Alexander, it was different. In fact, Kalix didn’t want to cry in front of Alexander, yet tears only came in front of Alexander.
“CC, you’ve never been scolded, have you?”
It was definitely a voice that thought he had grown up pampered. Kalix shook his head.
“I have.”
“No. You haven’t. No one has ever gotten angry at you.”
It was a voice that said it had to be that way. First of all, that wasn’t true, but if Alexander really thought so, then he shouldn’t have done that to Kalix just now. If he really thought that, shouldn’t he cherish him more?
“You just did that.”
That was what hurt too. Kalix had already done many things wrong to Alexander, so he didn’t want there to be any more incidents, and he always tried to do well with everything. Kalix really tried to cherish Alexander a lot. So when told not to touch, he didn’t touch, and when told not to kiss first, he didn’t kiss. Even when he wanted to, he endured it.
“I really wasn’t angry.”
Still, he was sorry. He really was sorry. But he was just as hurt. Alexander always understood Kalix better than Kalix understood himself. So while that was both sorry and grateful, he was sad because this time would surely be the same. So he didn’t know what to do at all.
“How could I get angry at you?”
Alexander carefully pressed Kalix’s eyes with his finger as Kalix stared at him.
“I wasn’t angry, I really thought that if there was someone who could help you more than I could, it would be okay for you to meet that person. Even if not, separately from me, they could help you in other ways.”
At that voice that reached him gently, tears welled up again in the end.
“But seeing it today, I wondered if I could really accept that well.”
He felt sorry again for thinking he was hurt. Because Kalix was too immature, he made Alexander think such thoughts.
“That’s why I did that.”
At that voice that just trailed off, Kalix forced out his choked voice.
“You don’t have to accept things like that. I will never do that.”
It was all because of Kalix that Alexander had to think such thoughts. If it weren’t for Kalix, Alexander wouldn’t need to think such things, yet he had to think them. Because of Kalix. Alexander had to bear such thoughts alone, while Kalix was making all this fuss just because Alexander didn’t match his pace and didn’t hold his hand. Kalix wanted to cherish Alexander, but didn’t know how to cherish him.
“Sasha, you said so.”
Still, Kalix really knew now.
“To be yourself.”
Postponing wasn’t for Alexander’s sake. He knew that much.
“As you said, there’s no one better than you.”
If Alexander wanted now, so did Kalix.
“Even if there was, I don’t want anyone but you.”
Kalix carefully grabbed a bit of Alexander’s shirt hem at his waist, then looked at Alexander.
“I just need you.”
He wanted to say that he cherished Alexander as much as Alexander cherished him. But Kalix didn’t know that method.
“I want to cherish you as much as you cherish me.”
So that was all Kalix could say. Kalix awkwardly but tightly hugged Alexander’s waist and buried his face in his shoulder. Unlike before when Alexander would always stop him when Kalix touched first, Alexander embraced Kalix back and patted his back.
“You’re already doing that.”
Kalix shook his head against Alexander’s neck. Compared to Alexander, Kalix was far lacking. He was so sorry about that. Kalix quietly felt Alexander stroke his back for a while, then slowly asked.
“Are we dating?”
“Yes.”
“But, but,”
Kalix closed his eyes.
“What if I run away?”
Kalix trusted Alexander, but couldn’t trust himself. There was already precedent too. Kalix was now too afraid of hurting Alexander. Before even thinking that Alexander might leave him because of that, the very possibility that Alexander might be hurt was frightening.
“Come back.”
Alexander patted Kalix’s back with one hand and gently stroked Kalix’s hair with the other, kissing his temple.
“You know where I am.”
Alexander whispered affectionately in his ear.
“CC, I won’t be able to do everything for you. That’s unavoidable and it’ll be the same in the future.”
Hearing that voice, tears came again even with his eyes closed.
“But CC, if you want to see me, on such days.”
Kalix really wanted to cherish Alexander this much too, and if possible, even more than this.
“I’ll always be somewhere you can find me.”
Kalix hoped he wouldn’t be a difficult love for Alexander. He hoped that someday, instead of Alexander having to comfort Kalix, there would come a day when Alexander would naturally know that Kalix cherished him too. Please, let it be possible.
* * *
Even after barely stopping his tears, Kalix asked while still tightly embracing Alexander.
“So we’re dating?”
“Yes.”
At those words that came out while supporting Kalix as he leaned against the headboard, Kalix finally slyly lifted his head.
“Then can I ask you just one thing?”
“Yes.”
Kalix really always had something he wanted to ask.
“Sasha, do you like blondes?”
That kept bothering him. But until now he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Because it was too strange to ask such things while knowing Alexander’s feelings but not accepting them. But now it was different. He knew Alexander liked Kalix. But still, where his gaze went was a different matter, they said.
Skylar was blonde. Rosie was reddish blonde. Magnolia, who was mistaken for his fiancée, was also blonde. Moreover, the undergraduate who was beside him at the harvest festival was also blonde. Almost everyone involved with Alexander was blonde. Like everyone else, Alexander seemed to like blondes too. Kalix had black hair.
“CC, I have no idea what you mean.”
At that voice that really had no clue at all, Kalix asked carefully this time.
“If we’re dating, can I like you more?”
Kalix still couldn’t quite understand what liking meant. But he knew he liked Alexander. Still, he didn’t know how much he could like him. Wouldn’t it be strange if he liked him too much? But in fact he already liked him a lot, so that was also worrying.
“As much as you want.”
But hearing that stable voice, he was immediately reassured. Alexander always kept his word. Kalix had never seen anything wrong among the things Alexander had declared. So if Alexander said it was okay, then it was okay for Kalix too.
“Then will you also”
If it was okay for Kalix to like Alexander as much as he wanted, what about Alexander?
“like me more?”
Would Alexander be okay too? Not becoming strange like other people, or bad things happening, or Kalix himself becoming a bad thing.
“As much as you want, gladly.”
He hoped it would be okay. Kalix wished for that. He wanted Alexander to like him freely. Kalix wouldn’t have the ability to catch him if things went wrong, but still, wouldn’t it be okay? Because Alexander said it was okay.
“Then will you continue to be good to me in the future too?”
Actually, Alexander was already being more than good enough to Kalix. But the reason Kalix said this was because he too only wanted to be good to Alexander.
“I’ve done many things wrong to you and I know I’ve behaved badly. But that’s why I want to always be good to you from now on,”
Kalix was timid, so if he didn’t know Alexander’s reaction, he might shrink back. Just like he always had until now.
“Always, always like that.”
But if Alexander liked Kalix’s efforts, if he said he would do so, then couldn’t Kalix always try?
“I might not do it well, but I always want you to be happy.”
Kalix had already done many things wrong to Alexander. Alexander said he had the leisure to do so, but such things could disappear at any time. The fact that he had to pour that leisure only on Kalix was also like that. Alexander could have looked elsewhere. To places where his efforts could return a little faster. But he didn’t. He stayed for Kalix.
“So if I do that, will you do the same for me?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
