“Finally.”
“What does that have to do with anything? Who is it?”
Edwin and Philip’s voices following Alexander’s answer, and the sound of Kalix’s momentary clatter came out simultaneously.
“Who it is…”
Alexander’s gaze immediately came to Kalix, then he got up from his seat even though he hadn’t finished eating. Then he immediately approached Kalix across from him and suddenly grabbed his arm to pull him up.
“I’ll have to ask about that.”
“Whether you’re dating someone?”
Alexander didn’t even answer Philip’s words and pulled Kalix up and dragged him away. Kalix was so flustered that he just moved his steps as Alexander dragged him along. It was even more confusing since Alexander had never touched Kalix this way before.
Alexander was always careful when he touched Kalix. It’s not that he had ever obviously shown signs of being careful, but he had always touched lightly and shallowly. Lightly placing a hand on his back to indicate they should go somewhere, or in fact, mostly just speaking and making eye contact without even needing to do that. He hardly touched at all to begin with.
And yesterday was like that too. Yesterday, really, anyone could see he was trying to touch carefully and tenderly. So as not to frighten him. To show that he cared.
“It hurts.”
It didn’t actually hurt, but when he said it feeling awkward for no reason, Alexander finally loosened his grip and very gently held Kalix’s wrist while leading him to a corner where no one was around.
“CC, don’t tell me you still thought we were just friends?”
A voice full of incredulity continued right away.
“We bit and sucked and did everything.”
Bit and sucked. At those explicit words, Kalix slyly avoided Alexander’s gaze. Last night suddenly came flooding back in full. His heart gradually beat faster and his fingertips became hot. It really was like that. Though Alexander’s words were excessively blunt, they really had done such things.
“We didn’t say anything like that though. About dating or anything like that.”
They had kissed, and though it didn’t go beyond that, anyway what they had done ended with kissing. Kissing was nothing. Of course, by Kalix’s standards it was a very big deal, but still a kiss was just a kiss. Honestly, he wondered how a kiss could be just a kiss. But anyway, an act was an act. Kalix and Alexander hadn’t said anything for a while after that.
“CC, are you perhaps six years old?”
He knew that at Kalix and Alexander’s age, even without formally saying so, they would naturally come to regard each other as lovers. Alexander’s voice that broke the silence was full of the sentiment that they weren’t even six-year-olds, so why should they act like six-year-olds?
“I don’t kiss people I’m not dating.”
But clearly yesterday when they kissed, Kalix and Alexander weren’t in a relationship. When Kalix finally cautiously raised his gaze, Alexander looked directly at Kalix with eyes that weren’t entirely soft. Kalix hesitated a little, then asked.
“Are you angry?”
He had reason to be angry. Kalix had kissed him first to begin with. Alexander had been swept along.
“CC, I will never get angry at you.”
Alexander’s voice was firm, but that didn’t dilute the fact that he seemed to be angry right now.
“From now on too, I will never get angry at you.”
But Alexander’s voice gradually softened, as if trying to keep his word.
“CC, I’m…”
Kalix finally met Alexander’s gaze.
“I’m not saying this because we kissed yesterday.”
But as always, Kalix didn’t properly understand Alexander’s words. Hadn’t he said something about doing all that biting and sucking and then acting like this?
“I thought that was a signal.”
Alexander continued speaking while still looking directly at Kalix.
“I’m not talking about the kiss.”
Alexander’s voice now carried a lukewarm warmth.
“I told you I liked you.”
Kalix naturally thought of last night. The very moment Alexander was talking about.
“You’ve always been afraid of those words until now, but yesterday you weren’t.”
Even though Kalix and Alexander were about half a step apart right now, it felt like they were touching. Still like last night, like when Alexander had carefully caressed Kalix’s hair and around his eyes.
“You wanted me to say those words to you.”
Everything Alexander said was true. Kalix had definitely wanted those words. Because he needed them. And because he already knew Alexander would naturally say them.
“But Alex, I’m not really sure.”
“You can call me Sasha. It’s a nickname family uses.”
At those words, Kalix quietly tried pronouncing that name.
“Sasha.”
Somehow he felt a little embarrassed. Now he could really feel his face reddening.
“You can call me something different too.”
“I’m going to call you whatever I want to call you.”
After saying it, he wondered if there was any way to call him more strangely than CC, but hearing Alexander’s still seemingly angry and firm tone made him lose his nerve.
“I see.”
Kalix cautiously looked at Alexander. He knew Kalix had done wrong. But still, he had wanted to do it. Kalix only had Alexander, but he wouldn’t do it if there were other people. It wasn’t good that Alexander was unique to him, but rather Alexander was unique because he was Alexander. He had actually known this for quite some time. But he couldn’t admit it until now. Though it was still the same now.
“I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is just sexual desire or what.”
That was the problem. Kalix trusted Alexander, but he couldn’t trust himself. Maybe Kalix would end up treating Alexander the same way. That had to be prevented. He thought Alexander would have no choice but to get angry now, but Alexander just sighed.
“Alright, for now.”
At his movement to walk away, Kalix reflexively grabbed Alexander. Then Alexander naturally took his hand.
“There’s not much time left. Let’s finish eating.”
Alexander pulled Kalix along and sat him back in his original seat. He was a bit flustered looking at their joined hands, but as soon as Alexander sat Kalix down, he kicked away Philip’s chair that had been sitting next to him. It definitely didn’t seem like his imagination that he looked annoyed.
“What, why?”
At Philip’s bewildered voice, Kalix also looked up at Alexander in confusion for a moment, but Alexander sat in his seat as if nothing had happened.
“What’s the difference between liking someone and wanting to sleep with them?”
“Why me, of all people?”
“Don’t dodge the question.”
He said he wouldn’t get angry, but he seemed to be getting angry now. Not at Kalix, though.
“With someone you want to sleep with, you want to sleep with them. With someone you like, there’s something more careful about it, isn’t there? You want to protect them.”
Kalix mulled over Philip’s words. But Kalix and Alexander had kissed yesterday. Was Kalix thinking about Alexander in the wrong way after all? But before Kalix could think any further, Alexander lightly touched Kalix’s foot with his own.
“I’m different from loose guys like this.”
Then when he glanced at Philip, Philip immediately looked at Alexander as if wronged.
“What a mess.”
At Edwin’s flat comment that followed, Kalix glanced at Alexander. Alexander looked completely unbothered, but throughout the meal Kalix couldn’t help but steal glances at Alexander. He must be angry. Of course he would be. He has reason to be angry. What should I do? So he’s angry at me. He must be angry at me.
He gradually became gloomier and ate more slowly, when suddenly Alexander lightly touched Kalix’s foot. When Kalix cautiously checked Alexander as if gauging his mood, Alexander glanced at Kalix’s bowl as if telling him to keep eating. And then, without saying anything, throughout the meal, Alexander’s foot stayed touching the side of his foot. His chest tickled through his toes.
* * *
Throughout his lectures until evening, Kalix kept thinking about Alexander. It was right that he had to take responsibility somehow. After kissing him first, he couldn’t just pretend it never happened. That would really be no different from when his body was taken.
Besides, it was definitely what Kalix had wanted too. Honestly, Kalix liked Alexander. It had been a while, and it couldn’t be helped. He knew that Alexander had been subtly seducing Kalix all along, sometimes pretending not to be Alexander, and sometimes not even pretending not to be. But it wasn’t that he fell for him just because Alexander was the only one by his side. It was because it was Alexander. Because it was Alexander.
But what he had said to Alexander this morning was also true. Kalix couldn’t clearly define his emotions. Did he like Alexander purely, the way other people did, or was it just sexual desire like when his body was taken? Was it okay to consider this, this kind of thing, as liking someone?
No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn’t come to an answer. Could Kalix be someone who could like someone normally like other people in the first place? He knew he was too broken for that. Even kissing Alexander last night had been that kind of process.
If he told Alexander he liked him, he knew Alexander would accept it. He would gladly stay by his side. No matter how much of a mess Kalix was. But knowing that for certain made it more difficult. Wouldn’t Alexander have a hard time too? Because of Kalix?
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
