“You’re the only thing I can trust.”
Kalix really hated Alexander. When you know everything, then why did you do that? Why did you say such things? When you already knew how I would react to such words, when you knew all of that, why, how could you do that?
“I have no one but you.”
Kalix really had nothing except Alexander. Really, nothing, no one. He couldn’t even trust his family and was suspicious of everyone who approached him. Even himself. Kalix really couldn’t even trust himself. Even though he seemed fine now, he couldn’t be certain what wrong choices he might make tomorrow.
Kalix couldn’t even be certain that he could remain himself until the end. He couldn’t be certain of anything. Nothing, absolutely nothing could be known. He knew nothing, and everything was only uncertain, so everything was unstable. When you know all of this.
Alexander was someone Kalix didn’t know. Someone he’d never met when he wasn’t himself. They might have met technically, but everything was different from those memories. So Alexander became the only person Kalix knew. At least, he thought so. That’s how it was until recently.
“But if even you, if even you do this.”
But now even Alexander, even you are becoming someone I don’t know again?
“Then what do I do?”
Kalix just kept his gaze down and said that.
“Why.”
Why, can’t you just stay by my side? Like before, like it used to be, we could live like that.
When you said things would get better, that they would. When you were the one who said that. When you said it yourself, Alexander just handed over a fountain pen and didn’t appear. Until now, you were always by my side.
Kalix couldn’t see Alexander anywhere. That couldn’t happen. Alexander was supposed to always be visible. It was always like that. There was always Alexander when he went to the room. Sometimes after classes ended, they would return to the dormitory together. In the mornings, Alexander would come back to the room after training and take Kalix with him to the dining hall together. Like that, you were always by my side.
“CC, I didn’t say that to scare you.”
Even at those words that Alexander finally spoke after saying nothing until now, Kalix didn’t look at Alexander, keeping his gaze down.
“I meant it literally—I said it because I wanted to help you.”
Alexander’s hand caught in his downward gaze. Kalix reflexively followed the trace of that hand. Alexander reached toward Kalix’s face, then withdrew it without touching anywhere.
Then, he took out a handkerchief from his pocket and held it out to Kalix. Only then did Kalix realize that his vision was blurred. He didn’t know when it had started, but once he became aware of it, he couldn’t stop the tears even more. He hadn’t wanted to cry. It wasn’t something to cry about in the first place, crying wouldn’t change anything, and he hadn’t hoped for anything to change. Yet once he became conscious of it, it wouldn’t stop.
When Kalix finally took the handkerchief, Alexander gestured slightly and slowly moved his steps.
“Will you come this way?”
Only then did Kalix realize they were in front of the dormitory. Since it was close to roll call time, everyone was inside, but if someone came rushing in, they might encounter them. But he didn’t want to follow Alexander’s words. After avoiding me all this time.
Kalix lowered his head while clutching the handkerchief and squeezed his eyes shut. He heard the sound of footsteps moving away. The fainter that sound became, the more afraid he got. Are you disappearing again?
Kalix hurriedly raised his head. But contrary to Kalix’s expectation that he would see Alexander’s back, Alexander had somehow come a little closer to Kalix. And that expression of waiting while carefully examining Kalix was both unfamiliar and familiar.
“Can’t you walk?”
At that question, Kalix remembered the day he had told Alexander his story. That inconsiderate attitude of dragging dizzy Kalix around arbitrarily and forcing him to lie down on the bed.
But Alexander now was different. His voice contained quite a bit of worry, his gaze carefully observing Kalix, and his cautious attitude of waiting still without touching anywhere, far from dragging him around arbitrarily.
Strength suddenly entered the hand holding the handkerchief. When Kalix shook his head in that state, Alexander moved his steps while checking on Kalix. Following along, it was still nearby, but a place where there were no people at all.
“CC.”
At that voice, Kalix answered.
“You avoided me.”
Alexander was always selfish. Starting with how he addressed him. No one else called his name with such a nickname. Only Alexander did that. And everything else too. Everything, only Alexander did.
Only Alexander called Kalix by a strange nickname, knew Kalix’s story, told him it would be okay, stayed by his side, said he would help, was reassuring, and didn’t make him anxious even when they were together. Only Alexander.
“I did that so you could be more comfortable since you seemed uncomfortable with me.”
Who was the one who made me uncomfortable? When you knew exactly how I would feel. Besides, it wasn’t comfortable without Alexander either.
“CC.”
Kalix didn’t answer. Alexander had even avoided Kalix naturally after that, as if it were obvious. He had always stayed by his side, but after that, he hadn’t been by his side even once, let alone barely appearing a few times.
“CC.”
When he didn’t answer again, Alexander said carefully.
“As long as you’re okay, I’m fine with anything.”
His voice had been coming out just fine until now, but somehow listening to Alexander’s words made his throat close up more and more.
“I’m someone convenient, easy, and natural to you.”
He just needed to raise his hand and wipe his tears with the handkerchief, but perhaps because he was gripping it too tightly, he couldn’t move anywhere.
“Whatever you want, you can do anything you want to me, you can say anything you want.”
Alexander said this just as he had looked at Kalix from the beginning.
“If that makes you okay.”
Alexander’s voice was only gentle. He had never heard such a voice before.
“You can do whatever you want.”
So he couldn’t understand. Since when had Alexander been hiding this?
“CC, do you remember when I talked about my family?”
Not confident he could speak properly, Kalix just nodded. He remembered everything about Alexander’s stories.
“I love all of my family. Whatever my family does, whatever mistakes they make, I’ll still consider them family. I also know that whatever mistakes I make, my family will continue to think of me as family.”
Alexander looked into Kalix’s eyes and lightly touched his own chest. That action, like some kind of signal, was indeed a signal.
“Freddy sometimes, though it’s a bit frequent to call it sometimes, often says something. That if there was less blood mixed in, he would have thrown me out, brother or whatever. But Freddy actually really loves me. He just hates that I know that too well. That I already know well that no matter what mistakes I make, he’ll cover for me.”
Only then did Kalix consciously breathe out slowly. As his breathing returned, the hand he’d been gripping tightly tingled.
“It’s not just Freddy. Father, mother, Jasper, and probably uncle too?”
Alexander continued to look at Kalix like that. Then, as Kalix now breathed stably, he softened his expression as if finally somewhat relieved.
“I have that kind of certainty. So I’m okay no matter what I do. Because I know there are people who will accept me even if I make any mistake. So I’m not afraid of being deceived by anyone, being used. Whatever happens, I can endure it.”
When he blinked his stiff eyes, a single tear that hadn’t been able to flow dropped clearly. His vision became clear as if a curtain was slowly being lifted.
“CC, what about you?”
What was in front of him was Alexander. That was all he could see.
“I was able to say I could accept everything about you because I have people who will accept everything about me. I have such natural people to me.”
That was all he could hear too.
“CC, do you have such a person?”
Kalix just quietly looked at Alexander. That his tears had stopped and his throat wasn’t choked up didn’t necessarily mean he could say anything now.
Kalix didn’t have such a person. Kalix also loved his family. He worried about them and always wanted them to be happy. It was the same now, but he didn’t have the confidence to see that directly by their side. He just wanted to hear that they were happy. He couldn’t be with them.
“It would be nice if that was your family, but you don’t trust your family.”
When apart, his current attitude felt sorry and affectionate, but when he actually saw their faces, resentment kept trying to rise from one corner. Even though he knew no one was at fault.
“So that’s what I want to do for you.”
Kalix unconsciously fidgeted with the handkerchief in his hand. It was given to wipe tears, but nothing had actually been wiped.
“That’s the same whether you like me or not.”
Alexander’s voice had quite a serious aspect, so it seemed like he meant exactly that. As if he would really do that for him. Even though there was no benefit to Alexander at all.
“It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship we have.”
Did Alexander know what kind of words he was saying right now?
“If you want us to continue being friends, that’s fine.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
