“Where else besides me are you going to find someone to help you? You are going to look, aren’t you?”
That was impossible. In the first place, telling Alexander his story was something that would never have happened if it weren’t for that situation. If Alexander hadn’t been there then, if Kalix hadn’t been there then, if Kalix hadn’t been dizzy then, if Kalix hadn’t had nightmares then, if Kalix hadn’t felt uncomfortable about Alexander and Jasper’s relationship then.
“And even if you did look, I’d be the best.”
When did Alexander start seeing me like this? When did he start watching me like this?
“Tsk, where are you going to find someone as good as me?”
Alexander’s tone didn’t particularly carry arrogance. It was just conviction. As if it were natural. But this time, Kalix also knew it was true. First of all, Kalix wouldn’t look for someone to help him, but even if he did, he couldn’t find someone like Alexander.
“Helping others also requires being that stable yourself. How can you help others when you don’t have any leeway yourself? It’s good to supplement each other’s deficiencies and work together to move forward, it’s good, but in most cases both people become difficult. How can you comfort each other when you’re both exhausted?”
Even while saying this, Alexander didn’t take his gaze off Kalix once. Since when? Since when has he been watching Kalix’s mood like this, adjusting his tone, even every glance he sends—since when has Alexander been casually adjusting everything that touches Kalix like this?
“But I’m not like that. I have the stamina to take care of you. I’m confident I won’t get tired.”
Since when was he affectionate? Since when, since when did he look at me like this? How, why, me? As if he wanted to treat me as kindly as he pleased. Yet he hadn’t shown it until now.
“So, choose me.”
This definitely went beyond what was natural. Kalix still couldn’t properly gauge what was natural, what ordinary people naturally thought, how far they naturally considered things. But at least he knew that Alexander now, and Alexander until now, Alexander from some point on, had exceeded the natural range.
“Why?”
If it’s not because he wants to sleep with him, then why?
“Why do you think?”
Because he wants to sleep with him? That was the first thing that came to mind. Because Kalix’s guard was high, he’d first soothe him well, act affectionately, and then try to sleep with him. But if he said something like that again, he might really get cursed at this time.
Kalix quietly lowered his gaze. Some silence passed, but Alexander didn’t rush anything. Originally, when they were together, they weren’t the talkative type so silence often flowed. But that quietness was quite comfortable, unlike now.
“Do you like me?”
Unnatural affection, hidden warmth, intimacy extended only to an acceptable degree—if it’s not sexual desire after all. That’s what Kalix could think of. But he couldn’t feel it. Kalix doesn’t understand affection. That, the affection Kalix has seen, is too violent. Can that even be called affection? It’s just sexual desire.
So in the end, Kalix’s question was the same as the first, just with different words.
“Not yet.”
Moreover, Alexander’s answer was only strange. He’d said he definitely didn’t want to sleep with him, but for liking him it was “not yet.” He couldn’t tell if he liked him or not.
“Do you want me to like you?”
When he finally asked back, Alexander smiled faintly.
“Tsk.”
Looking at the smoothly curved corner of his mouth, slowly through his lips came a quiet, still only that much, only that degree of faint warmth leaking out.
“What I want from you isn’t your love.”
There wasn’t a single thing Alexander said that he could understand. Alexander obviously knew this about Kalix, yet just continued speaking.
“I’m trying to get the chance to love you.”
He couldn’t understand Alexander. What did Alexander want? What did he want from Kalix that he’d been putting up with trouble from some point?
“Right now I can’t do anything with you, love or whatever. Because you’re not ready for that.”
Kalix tried to organize his thoughts, but since he understood nothing, there was nothing to organize.
“So you do like me?”
“Not yet.”
It was the same answer as the first time. The same incomprehensible “not yet” from the first time to now.
“Then you’re going to come to like me? Me?”
“Not yet” seemed to be a word that ultimately guaranteed the future. That’s why it was stranger, but anyway, does that mean he’ll come to like him from now on? Why?
“That depends on you.”
“Why does that depend on me?”
When he reflexively asked back, Alexander just smiled. And his well-composed gaze was instantly filled with abundant affection.
“My love hasn’t even started yet.”
Alexander continued with that same attitude, in a caring tone that no longer tried to hide.
“Hey, to put it differently, I’m trying to get a chance to be rejected.”
This was really, too strange. Alexander’s tone was clear as always, but in reality, the gaps in it had softened considerably.
“Whether it’s rejection or acceptance, a chance to get your judgment.”
But judgment about what?
“So until then, let me help you.”
Those words seemed like a proposal, or like something already decided, or just helpful in themselves.
“By then, you’ll be able to handle what comes next on your own.”
Alexander’s words were, in the end, the same from the beginning. It was all about helping Kalix. Until Alexander could handle a certain amount by himself. But Kalix still couldn’t understand Alexander’s intention.
“So you’re saying you’ll just help me without even knowing how I’ll decide?”
“Yeah.”
“Really, it doesn’t matter if I reject you?”
That couldn’t be true. Alexander was definitely saying he’d help Kalix in order to get words of acceptance. And if that was the case, it couldn’t even be called help. Kalix was trying to get off his previous path, but if it went that way, he’d end up with the same result just with a different person.
“Yeah. But not now. I don’t even like you yet, and you’re not in a state of mind to consider it carefully.”
“Then what if I just keep using you?”
If Alexander really didn’t want anything, and was helping Kalix for that reason, that would be good for Kalix. It would be a little uncomfortable, but still, there was no one who gave Kalix as much comfort as Alexander.
But after confirming that Alexander didn’t want anything, what if Kalix continued to use Alexander? Then for Alexander, it would end up being no different from the situation with Skylar.
“Hey, your ability to use me—”
Alexander, who was about to say something, paused to choose his words. Alexander, who had been silent for a while as if thinking about something, soon continued that sentence.
“Do you have that ability?”
If he was going to do that, why did he choose his words? What was he thinking? The sentence just continued. It seemed like it was one sentence from the beginning. So even though he couldn’t understand what this situation was at all, he automatically felt sour.
“If you really develop that ability, then I’ll really let you use me or do whatever you want to do.”
Shouldn’t he not say things like that? Of course, he should have said not to use him. Even in this situation, Alexander’s way of thinking made his chest feel stuffy.
“Think about it. I’m the best choice, right?”
Right now, there was no one between Kalix and Alexander who didn’t know that.
“You like me, right?”
To the question that came again, Alexander answered.
“I’ll tell you later.”
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
At that question, Alexander’s eyes crinkled slightly again.
“No.”
The firm voice was the same as when he first received that question. But that made it even more impossible to grasp.
“Then you like me?”
“That’s for later.”
It was only getting more confusing. What the hell was he supposed to do? Maybe he was drunk? Why hadn’t he thought of this earlier? Kalix hadn’t drunk much, but Alexander had been drinking continuously. The amount he drank seemed to be quite a lot.
But looking at Alexander’s complexion, which was exactly the same as usual, he couldn’t even harbor such hope. Besides, his way of speaking was as clear as always. Then had drinking just loosened his self-control? But if so, then this was Alexander’s real thoughts after all?
“You can pretend you didn’t hear it.”
And when he didn’t raise his eyes at that voice that came, the voice just continued.
“Just remember this one thing.”
Kalix suddenly looked at one side of the desk. His gaze stopped on the fountain pen he always kept there. He always kept the fountain pen Alexander had given him somewhere visible. Because seeing it gave him peace of mind.
“I am here.”
Only then did Kalix look at Alexander again. The naturally formed smile slowly disappeared as Kalix’s gaze reached it.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
