* * *
But despite being tense the whole time, arriving at the banquet hall and meeting relatives wasn’t difficult. It was his hometown anyway and everyone knew each other, and it was just hearing the same stories from different people over and over: so you’re already an adult, I’ve known you since you were this small but when did you grow so big, you’re already taller than your father, aren’t you taller than your brother too, do you remember who you were close to when you were little, and so on.
Even so, of course, he couldn’t let his guard down given that his parents were right beside him. Certainly his parents were the most comfortable and dependable people to him. Even so, naturally, he still loved them. But it was complicated.
Why hadn’t they noticed? Even a little—of course he knew that noticing would be difficult beyond being nearly impossible. He already knew it all rationally, but still, couldn’t they have recognized him?
He knew his parents had done nothing wrong. But maybe if the body was just the same, it wouldn’t matter to his parents who was inside it. Even if it wasn’t Kalix. Even knowing there was nothing wrong with it at all, when he felt the warmth beside him, he kept having such thoughts.
Kalix tried his best not to show his discomfort and instinctively looked around. And immediately made eye contact with Alexander.
I was looking for Alexander. That’s what he realized when their eyes met. Alexander was the only one who knew Kalix. Kalix had thought Alexander would be talking with other people, but Alexander was just standing blankly by the wall as if he had no interest in interacting with others. While looking at Kalix.
Their eyes met because Alexander was continuously watching over Kalix. As he’d said, to stay where Kalix could see him. While their gazes were meeting, Alexander’s lips suddenly moved. Watching them move slowly, he realized he was asking: Do you need me?
It was just that, but somehow he became calm. His parents beside him were still uncomfortable, and while he felt sorry for finding them uncomfortable, he also resented that it had to be this way. But even so, he wasn’t as tense as he had been just before.
When he shook his head slightly to mean he was fine, Alexander shrugged once as if he understood and only then looked away. What was he looking at?
“Are you quite close with Mr. Clifford?”
At Kalix suddenly looking somewhere without saying anything, his parents seemed to have noticed his gaze too. Actually, since he’d been looking so openly, it would be harder not to notice. Though they had introduced Alexander and his parents to each other when they arrived at the mansion, they hadn’t been able to have more conversation afterward since he was immediately dragged away to prepare.
“Just, so-so, we know each other.”
At that ambiguous answer, his mother sighed as if disappointed.
“If only you hadn’t gone to the Academy, you could have had a more relaxed coming-of-age ceremony. We could have arranged a separate opportunity to talk with Mr. Clifford too.”
She seemed to conveniently ignore the fact that if he hadn’t gone to the Academy, there would have been no reason to bring Alexander in the first place.
“Dear, wouldn’t it be better to stay here for about a week? Mr. Clifford came all this way too, so rest a bit more.”
At his father’s voice that followed, Kalix hesitated. Though that was his usual way of addressing him, somehow it felt like he was hearing it after too long and it was incredibly awkward and embarrassing. It was fortunate Alexander wasn’t beside him right now. Even though he’d asked him not to call him that, he always did.
“You know that’s not possible.”
“You’ve only grown in body but you’re still too young to be left out in the world, and it worries me that you’re living without your parents.”
It was the same thing he’d always heard since saying he wanted to go to the Academy. But hearing it now, he suddenly wondered if it would have been better if that had really been the case. No, but he would have continued meeting Cyrus anyway, so would it have been the same in the end?
“Cyrus has finally arrived. At least he’s not late.”
At the voice that came out just then, Kalix reflexively followed his parents’ gaze. As they said, Cyrus was approaching. The moment their eyes met, Kalix barely managed to resist reflexively stepping backward.
“Cyrus, while we go greet the guests separately, you stay with your younger brother.”
I shouldn’t have come. I shouldn’t have come. Whether he ended up with anyone at the Academy—whether that person was a priest, a roommate, a professor, it didn’t matter. Whoever it was would be better than family. Knowing all this, why did I come?
“Kalix.”
Going to meet relatives coming from far away, arriving a bit late due to timing complications.
“You’ve grown taller.”
Approaching warmly.
“How is the Academy? Have you made some friends?”
Every word he uttered was all the same. As before. As when Kalix wasn’t himself.
“I heard you came with someone, won’t you introduce us?”
At that moment when he was falling into mild panic, he suddenly came to his senses. He had never heard these words before. Back then, Alexander wasn’t there. But if things could change, the only difference now was Alexander. Kalix desperately searched for Alexander. Alexander was right there in the exact spot where he had first made eye contact with Kalix.
Confirming that indifferent face looking somewhere, he suddenly had the illusion that his jacket pocket had become heavy. Then, their eyes met.
“Over there. That person.”
As he pointed to where Alexander was and spoke, Alexander seemed to observe Kalix’s expression for a moment, then looked at Cyrus once and approached with a smile.
“Alexander Clifford, we attend the Academy together. This is my brother. Cyrus.”
As he reflexively introduced the two, Alexander extended his hand as if asking for a handshake and stepped half a step ahead of Kalix.
“Hello. I’m Alexander Clifford, a third-year student in the Military Studies Department.”
Kalix looked at Alexander’s back blocking his front. Since Alexander was taller than Cyrus, Cyrus was hidden from his view. Kalix finally realized that he had his hand on the fountain pen over his jacket.
“Hello. Originally our family doesn’t send anyone to the Academy, so I was worried, but it seems Kalix is adapting well. Bringing a friend like this.”
While everyone had tried to dissuade him from leaving the territory, Cyrus had been particularly disapproving, so he worried he might be sarcastic, but fortunately his tone wasn’t like that.
“Yes. He’s doing well.”
He had felt it when introducing Alexander to his parents too, but while Kalix had only heard Alexander’s comfortable tone until now, Alexander actually seemed quite familiar with formal speech as well. While the Blackwoods were just reclusive, other families had originally mingled with each other through balls and banquets, so perhaps it was natural.
“But if you’re in Military Studies, do you plan to serve after graduation?”
“It’s not clear yet. But since my brother is serving on the frontier, I’m considering it as well.”
Naturally, it was the first time hearing this story. From the beginning, Kalix had never been particularly curious about Alexander, and Alexander wasn’t the type to talk about things he wasn’t asked about. He knew that Alexander’s family had produced outstanding officers for generations, and he knew that Alexander’s father was a war hero. He also knew that Alexander was in Military Studies, but he didn’t know anything beyond that.
For example, things like how they seemed to do frontier service for generations like now. Then would Alexander be like that too after graduation? Kalix knew nothing about the Military Studies Department, and the same went for Alexander.
“I suppose it would be so, given the long history.”
“Yes.”
But looking at Cyrus’s words, who would know Alexander’s family better than Kalix, and Alexander who smiled and answered briefly, both seemed to take it for granted.
“Kalix, have you decided which department to go to?”
At the question that returned to him, Alexander slightly moved aside so Cyrus could see Kalix. Even so, he still blocked the space between Kalix and Cyrus. As if protecting him.
“No. Not yet.”
Only after saying those words did his blocked breath seem to slowly return. He was tense, but now his breathing didn’t freeze up like it had just moments ago. Kalix lightly pressed through his jacket to confirm the fountain pen inside his jacket pocket. And Alexander, who was half a step ahead of him.
“Come to think of it, I heard the Arts Department holds balls, it would be fun to go to such a place. Don’t you think so?”
“Ah, that would be good too. If you receive an invitation, outsiders can enter too, so if Kalix enters the Arts Department, it might be an opportunity to visit the Academy.”
At their continued conversation, Kalix hesitated for a moment, then spoke.
“How would I get into there?”
It’s okay. It will be okay. He had never seen this before. It was something he had never experienced. Back then, Alexander wasn’t there, and he had talked alone with Cyrus. But now it was different. Because Alexander was there. So it was different from back then. And Kalix was different from back then too. Back then he wasn’t himself, but now he himself was entirely here.
“Our baby Kalix plays piano too.”
But before he could collect himself, at Cyrus’s voice, Kalix reflexively said,
“Cyrus.”
With a slightly annoyed tone while glancing at Alexander, Alexander seemed to be trying to hold back laughter. It wasn’t a day or two that his family called him this way, and while he didn’t like it even when they called him this alone, it was more embarrassing when they did it in front of others.
“My brother still calls me little Alex too.”
It was probably meant to comfort him that Kalix didn’t need to be embarrassed, but actually Alexander’s voice contained a faint hint of laughter. Even so, Kalix reflexively looked Alexander over once. He didn’t look little at all.
From what he had seen at the harvest festival, even among the Military Studies Department students who had better physiques compared to other departments, Alexander was among the taller ones. Of course, if you thought about it that way, Kalix wasn’t a baby at all either.
“Piano, I only played it when we were just family together.”
When he answered reluctantly, Cyrus said as if puzzled,
“Why? It’s not like you’re going to become a performer. You’ll come back after graduation anyway.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
