But Cayden was ultimately unable to move. His legs had completely stiffened as if under some terrible curse.
However, a sudden thought struck Cayden’s mind.
…If I go back, Amun will be there.
Though he said he’d be too busy to visit for the past few days, he’ll come today. No. If he doesn’t come, I can go find him. Cayden muttered to himself with a dazed expression. A suddenly formed belief roughly pushed his back, urging him to return the way he had come.
The raindrops quickly grew heavier. Cayden roughly wiped away the rainwater that had begun to wet even his cheeks. Judging by the fact that the dogs’ sounds were no longer audible, Assad and Mat seemed to have gone inside the reception room to avoid the rain.
Cayden began to move, albeit slowly. He proceeded again in the direction from which he had come. The thought that he needed to see Amun in person filled Cayden’s mind.
But soon he was caught by another force.
“Cayden!”
Cayden turned to look at the person who had grabbed his hand. Raindrops that had slid down thin, long green leaves were falling, drop by drop, onto Assad’s hair. His platinum hair, now wet with rain, appeared a dark gold.
In the silence that suddenly descended, Cayden stared at Assad. He observed the anxiety and inexplicable unease clearly visible on Assad’s beautiful face, the mouth that opened and closed, and the wavering eyes. The emotions were so vivid that, paradoxically, Cayden silently looked up at Assad’s rigid face, unable to tell what he was thinking.
It was certainly a familiar face. An expression that had become familiar. Yet somehow… it felt so unfamiliar.
What he thought he knew had instantly transformed into something completely unknown. All the thoughts he had harbored until now felt like mere delusions. The thoughts he was having now would likely become just another delusion. He had such a premonition.
Cayden lowered his gaze. He decided to stop making meaningless conjectures that couldn’t come close to the truth.
Instead, Cayden opened his mouth.
“Your Highness…”
“…”
“Are you really Amun?”
Cayden asked Assad. He posed the question without even trying to hide his ridiculously trembling voice.
“Yes.”
Assad answered, putting strength into the hand that held Cayden. It was an honest affirmation given without hesitation.
“Did you change your appearance with magic… and come to me, saying you would be my companion?”
“Yes.”
Without a hint of hesitation, Assad answered once more. His appearance of attentively listening to Cayden’s voice seemed excessively urgent.
“Cayden.”
“…”
“…Cayden.”
“When the rain stops… I’d like to talk again after that.”
Cayden, who had been repeatedly opening and closing his mouth, barely conveyed his intention to Assad, who was calling him yet again.
His head ached, perhaps from hearing something so absurd. The faces of Amun and Assad, the voices of the two, mixed together inside Cayden. Everything was a mess.
“It’s raining again. I think I should return to the west wing.”
Cayden, who had bid farewell, looked at his left wrist. The man’s hand, which he could neither carelessly shake off nor forcibly remove, was holding him firmly.
Cayden wanted to hear what Assad had to say right away. But he also didn’t want to hear it.
The stories Assad had been hiding all this time, the mockery that might appear on his lips at any moment, were too frightening. For now, he wanted to escape from that threatening fear. It was the behavior of a coward.
“No.”
“…”
“I can’t let you go. Even if you leave, come with me.”
“…”
“I can’t send you off like this. It doesn’t seem right.”
I can’t send you off like this. Cayden couldn’t understand what Assad was worried about.
The two remained silent as they endured the thickened raindrops. Without adding any more words or managing to move their steps, they only looked into each other’s eyes.
In Assad’s turbulent golden eyes, Cayden couldn’t read any emotion. He dared not guess what was inside. After all, he was a fool who couldn’t even distinguish what was real and what was fake. It was only natural.
Assad wiped away the rainwater that kept making Cayden close his eyes with his fingertips. It was a delicate touch, contrasting with the strong grip that held Cayden’s hand. Cayden feared Assad’s inexplicable tenderness as it enveloped his eyes.
“Why.”
Cayden finally opened his mouth again.
“Why, why… did you deceive me?”
Assad, who received the question tinged with desperation, couldn’t easily give an answer like before. He stiffened his face with a bloodless complexion, as if being strangled.
The hand that had been touching Cayden’s cheek slowly fell away.
“I wanted to find out.”
“…”
“By getting close to you… I wanted to know what kind of person you are, what you’re hiding from me, if you have secrets, what they are… I wanted to find out everything. So I thought I needed to become someone who wouldn’t frighten you… someone you could trust. Because I thought I would need to negotiate with you someday…”
Assad hesitated in a manner uncharacteristic of him. He closed his mouth without properly finishing his words.
“Negotiate?”
“A negotiation to make you willingly leave the imperial palace.”
“…”
“Back then, I couldn’t think of anything else. Because I didn’t like the god who had suddenly intervened in my life, nor you whom that god had placed before me.”
Assad’s brow furrowed.
“By any means necessary, I wanted to find the best compromise… to break the marriage with you. In the most peaceful way possible, without anyone getting hurt.”
“…”
“But Cayden…”
Assad urgently continued, switching languages.
“I don’t think like that anymore. I was planning to stop disguising myself as Amun. Before this rainy season ends, I was going to honestly reveal everything I had hidden to you.”
He moved closer to the silent Cayden. But he couldn’t embrace his bride as he usually did. He couldn’t kiss him either. Assad learned for the first time in his life what it felt like to be a criminal awaiting judgment.
Again, the world began to darken. Cayden met Assad’s eyes. The sunlight that had been illuminating the man, whom he wasn’t sure whether to call Assad or Amun, disappeared as if it were a lie.
As Lihet had said, it seemed like fierce rain would pour again. The rainwater currently wetting his clothes would seem like a mere joke compared to the intense rain that would fall.
“I became Your Highness’s partner temporarily… only because of the oracle.”
“…”
“Did someone like me…”
“…”
“Beg for Your Highness’s heart without knowing my place? Did I become arrogant, thinking I had made it in life? I’m too stupid to even have lewd thoughts. I don’t even know what schemes are. I’ve never once thought about being pointed at by people. So why…”
Cayden’s voice broke in the rain and collapsed powerlessly.
“Why did you deceive me like this?”
Is he saying that because Assad didn’t even want to keep him by his side for just three years, he voluntarily became Amun? That for this purpose, he played the role of his servant? Because he disliked him so much that he would go to such troublesome lengths…
Cayden understood Assad’s heart. Yet, the shock wouldn’t fade.
“I know you’re not greedy. If no one else knows, I know. Cayden. Almost a year has passed. I’ve long forgotten those thoughts of sending you away. You know well… how much I’ve changed.”
Assad was right. He had changed. But wasn’t that change just initiated to get what he wanted? The tenderness Assad showed him might also have been forcibly fabricated.
Cayden was confused. Which part of Assad’s words was sincere and which part was a lie? He couldn’t tell anything. Due to his stiffened mind, he was even more unable to discern matters.
“If you truly abandoned the thought of expelling me, if you wanted to be honest with me, at least…”
Cayden stopped speaking.
At least, you should have told me the truth before I mixed bodies with you, Assad, again, and behaved like a fool, immersed in the absurd dream of love and happiness.
It was a thought that made him laugh hollowly. Did he want to confront Assad? The person who changed everything from his face to his voice, physique, and status just to expel him faster? The one who even played the role of a teacher? Cayden was just surprised by the fact that one could even feign kindness to remove an unwanted person from their sight more quickly.
In the end, Cayden couldn’t reveal his thoughts to Assad. The words that would come out of his mouth felt so meaningless.
He had no choice but to say something else.
“What I was hiding, what my inner thoughts were, what problems I had… In the end, Your Highness came to know everything.”
“…”
“Now, what kind of negotiation will you have with me?”
Cayden, who slowly closed and opened his eyes, added one more statement.
“Whatever Your Highness wants, I will accept it all.”
Cayden felt betrayed by Assad, by Amun. But that sense of betrayal soon changed into self-loathing directed at Cayden himself. It pierced his chest repeatedly like a sharp sword. As always.
‘Why am I so stupid?’
Without knowing his place, he felt love for Assad and floundered in his kindness. He depended on him. He even tried to be greedy, having ridiculous fantasies.
Having acted so stupidly, it was only natural to meet such an end. He should have doubted that there was no one in this world who would genuinely embrace him, but he hadn’t.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
