In the end, nothing would change. But…
‘Why does this make me feel so good?’
Was it because for at least the next two years, he wouldn’t have to feel guilty about liking Assad? Cayden mocked himself. He was incredulous at the lewd feelings he was experiencing.
“My body. My heart. They’re all pure. I even proclaimed my purity with my own mouth. Don’t tell me you didn’t believe that either?”
“No. I-I believed that.”
“Then that’s even worse. You saw me as a pervert whose body and mind operate separately. You saw me like those Kingdom men.”
Assad spoke excitedly. Seeing Cayden startled at having his inner thoughts exposed, Assad’s ears turned red.
“…Knowing that you two had been preparing for marriage, I made that misunderstanding.”
“…”
“Now, I’ll absolutely never make such a misunderstanding again. I believe in Your Highness.”
Cayden hastily replied.
Assad, whose face showed clear signs of being upset, glared at Cayden. Intimidated, Cayden wisely reduced his words.
The empty room was silent. The sound of rain tapping at various parts of the mansion sounded like the knocking of an intimate visitor.
“Heat cycle suppressants…”
“…”
“Did you think I… forced suppressants down your throat so I could have a child with my lover?”
Suddenly, Assad posed a strange question to Cayden.
Faced with a question he couldn’t dare answer, Cayden kept his mouth shut. What should he say? Words wouldn’t come easily. He didn’t want to nod at Assad’s aggressive expression. After all, Assad had merely followed the imperial family’s customs.
Why had he been given exactly three years? Cayden had wondered about this for a long time. Then, after hearing what the chamberlain had told him during Assad’s heat cycle, he thought, ‘Ah, so it’s because the time one must take suppressants is three years,’ and his curiosity was satisfied.
Now, Cayden saw himself as a stepping stone on Assad’s path to a new bride. His only job was to help Assad safely pass the three years bound by the oracle.
Becoming an obstacle to Assad wasn’t his role. Cayden didn’t want to remain a stumbling block in Assad’s life. That was the biggest reason why Cayden took heat cycle suppressants and birth control pills every day without skipping or complaining.
“I didn’t think that. Chamberlain Saban told me that until three years pass from the wedding ceremony, the Crown Prince’s consort must take heat cycle suppressants daily, regardless of whether their trait is alpha or omega.”
Cayden repeated exactly what Chamberlain Saban had told him about the law. He smiled as if he hadn’t thought anything else, trying to appease Assad.
“…It’s not good for your health.”
“Three years is fine.”
“Do three years feel like three weeks to you?”
“…”
“I’ll find another way. Once I find a method, Saban said he wouldn’t force you to take medicine anymore.”
Assad, with narrowed eyes, moved closer. Finding the suddenly narrowed distance uncomfortable, Cayden awkwardly averted his eyes.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
But hearing this, he couldn’t help but raise his head again.
Announcing the intention to kiss like a warning… Cayden felt embarrassed.
“I’d also like it if you kissed me first.”
“…”
“If you feel sorry for misunderstanding me.”
Pretending not to notice, Cayden shifted his gaze down to his hands. His left hand, which had been lightly resting on top, and his right hand, which had been held for a while, were now both firmly intertwined with Assad’s hands. Like this, he couldn’t even hide Assad’s eyes behind his hands.
‘I am sorry, but…’
After hesitating, Cayden raised his head. Instead of meeting Assad’s eyes, he only looked at his lips.
Cayden tried to hide his trembling feelings. Hoping not to look foolish, he placed his lips on Assad’s. It was a brief kiss, just lips touching and parting.
“You… haven’t forgotten how to kiss, have you?”
I wonder where the person who taught me went. Assad’s muttered words made Cayden even more embarrassed.
“I’ll do it again.”
“Of course you should.”
“…”
“But.”
“…Yes.”
“I. Really, have never dated anyone else.”
Assad, who had been maintaining his composure, again brought up an unexpected topic. He pulled back on a subject that seemed to have already concluded.
“I’ve never liked anyone either. Love? That’s even more absurd.”
With a face that looked impatient, Assad added one more statement.
“So don’t misunderstand.”
“…”
“The only person who has the right to be by my side like this now… is you. I thought you knew that.”
Assad’s cheeks turned as red as his ears. Cayden stared in a daze at the vitality spreading across the beautiful man’s cheeks.
“…”
What made Assad’s face flush wasn’t the same bewilderment and anger as before. When his eyes met Assad’s, Cayden felt confused.
Cayden recognized that face, that atmosphere and color.
Suddenly, he recalled an old memory. He searched through memories accumulated while keeping his mouth shut.
“See? I told you they’d be dating soon. That subtle expression, atmosphere, and color. You can tell just by looking at that.”
Emma had said this, pointing at two workers who had suddenly started keeping close company. She had even repeated her explanation for months for Cayden, who couldn’t understand her words at all. About the expressions, atmosphere, and colors she had mentioned. The young workers in the farm, who repeatedly formed and ended relationships within their limited circle, had become Emma’s textbook examples.
Nevertheless, Cayden had not accepted even half of Emma’s story. Yet he barely understood the remaining half. Rather than understanding, he had simply memorized it.
Now, Assad…
Assad had a face that would have earned teasing from Emma. With such a mysterious expression that suddenly brought to mind Emma’s teachings, which Cayden had never fully internalized, Assad was looking at him, not someone else.
“…”
Cayden’s mouth closed. He tried to erase the thoughts that had emerged in his mind.
It was an absurd assumption. The delusion had gone too far.
Hearing the sound of his heart pounding, Cayden blinked. He even tried closing his eyes for a bit longer. But there was no point in hiding Assad’s face behind his eyelids. Nothing changed.
He thought he must be going crazy. With an awkward smile, Cayden dropped his gaze. He could feel the corners of his mouth, which he had barely managed to pull up, trembling.
Delusion was poison. Yet he couldn’t stop the delusion. He couldn’t stop drinking the poison. All that had happened was learning that Assad and Heka had no relationship. But that one fact made Cayden unable to stop.
‘Assad… even though he knows how I’ve lived, he still sees me as a person.’
Even now, he wants me to kiss him first. He holds my hand so tenderly, as if it were a lie. Because he doesn’t want me to misunderstand, because he doesn’t want me to think badly of him, he desperately says he has no lover.
So…
Murky thoughts followed one after another. Cayden tried to mock himself for trying to blame Assad for his delusions. But in the end, he couldn’t.
Cayden felt anxious. His stomach churned like someone who had swallowed an old anxiety.
Do you love me?
Cayden wanted to ask Assad. He wanted to gather the pieces of an old, butchered question and present it to Assad.
If it’s Assad… he won’t laugh at me.
Such an absurd, vain expectation kept circling around. It blew into his ears.
Between fear and hope, Cayden held his breath. He knew, without looking in a mirror, that his face too would be tinged with the color Emma had spoken of.
But in the end, Cayden couldn’t ask any questions. Until the door of the empty guest room opened at the hand of an employee, and Assad, who clicked his tongue as if regretful, led him back to the banquet hall… Cayden remained silent.
Cayden was afraid of misunderstanding Assad at will and ending up begging for his love.
Until the banquet completely ended, Cayden couldn’t meet Assad’s eyes directly. He just couldn’t bring himself to do it.
* * *
On another rainy night, Assad sought out Cayden’s bedroom. Or rather, it wouldn’t be wrong to say he invaded his bride’s bedroom, fuming like a back-alley ruffian.
Just as he had when not long after his wedding ceremony with Cayden, Assad flung the door open without knocking. After entering the Crown Prince’s consort’s bedroom, he immediately locked the door.
Assad strode purposefully toward Cayden, who was half-turned toward the door where the noisy sound had come from. And soon, he reached Cayden.
Assad stood with his back to the rainy scene outside. As if abandoning his ruffian act, his face had softened compared to when he had opened the bedroom door.
“Cayden.”
With a face that seemed full of thoughts, Assad called his bride’s name.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
