-38-
East Wind
From the day he had left until the three months it took to reach Qing, he had thought about the man every day. Of course, after arriving in Qing, he was so busy adjusting that he often forgot about the man, but during his moments alone, the man invariably came to mind. That beautiful face and gentle voice. Those eyes that looked at him with such deep affection.
“…Young Mas—”
However, the man he confronted after about three years had changed considerably from before. His beautiful face remained, but he somehow looked very tired, and his eyes were filled not with love but with resentment and confusion. Naturally, he couldn’t help but resent the lover who had suddenly disappeared. Knowing this, Jeonggwan felt a lump in his throat.
Was it because he hated the man for resenting him? No. It was because he wondered why, even after three years, the man still resented him so much. That a married man would look at him—someone who had been merely a lowly servant—with such resentful eyes, as if he had missed him terribly. And why his face looked so haggard.
“…Your Majesty.”
“…!”
When Jeonggwan addressed him, the man’s eyes, full of resentment and confusion, wavered greatly. As if to say, how do you know that?
“…How did you know?”
“…Have you been well?”
“I asked how you knew.”
In response to Jeonggwan’s greeting, the man’s voice trembled. His eyes demanded to know how Jeonggwan had known his true identity. And why, knowing this, he had not come to find him—a seemingly unforgivable act.
“Did you not hear me ask how you knew?!”
All the people in the marketplace stopped in their tracks at the man’s shout and looked at the two of them. Then, the royal guards in plain clothes who were protecting the man surrounded them, turning their backs to hide the sight of Jeonggwan and the man. Seeing this, Jeonggwan was again reminded of the man’s position in this country. Someone who should not disappoint the people by showing such a side of himself.
“…I’ve known since that day.”
“Which day?”
“Since the day I disappeared.”
“…”
The man had thought all sorts of things over the three years. Whether Jeonggwan had truly died, or if he had left him of his own accord. When he had asked Jung Taekun, he said he hadn’t revealed that he was the Crown Prince. That meant Jeonggwan had disappeared still believing he was a eunuch, which led the man to wonder most often if Jeonggwan had run away because he disliked the fact that he was a eunuch.
“I thought you…”
But Jeonggwan had known who he was. He knew that he wasn’t a eunuch of the Donggung Palace, but its master. And knowing this, he had left. Even though he knew that he would soon become the ruler of this country, and that as his lover, he could have lived comfortably with the world at his fingertips, he had still left.
This shouldn’t have been the case. The man had consoled himself by thinking that if Jeonggwan had truly left, he had done so without knowing anything. That he had left because he was tired of and disliked being with a eunuch who couldn’t receive or give deep love. So he had resolved that if they ever met again, he would tell him. That he was actually the master of the palace, the king of this country, a man who could give him anything he wanted. He had planned to hold him back with such words.
So Jeonggwan shouldn’t have known and still left him. The man’s reason seemed to be crumbling after holding on for so long. Why would he reject the possibility of having the world at his feet and still leave? Could it be that there was someone else besides him? The man’s eyes reddened intensely.
“…No. It’s enough. You’re alive, that’s enough.”
The man grabbed Jeonggwan’s wrist and pulled him. Whatever the case, he was alive, and that was enough. He couldn’t leave again now. The man planned to take him to the palace and keep him by his side for life, where he couldn’t go anywhere. The man’s mind had crumbled to the point where he couldn’t think rationally.
“…Your Majesty.”
“Come. I’ll give you the position of Noble Consort or Royal Consort, whatever you want, so come.”
“Your Majesty.”
But Jeonggwan stood firm. As if he had something to say. No, as if he wouldn’t follow the man.
“I liked the kind eunuch who treated me well.”
“…”
“No, even if he wasn’t a eunuch, I would have liked anyone who treated me well, regardless of who they were. If I had known that Young Master… was the Crown Prince, I wouldn’t have given my heart to you from the beginning.”
During the past three years, he had thought about this many times. If he ever encountered the man again, he would burst into tears and be unable to say anything. But Jeonggwan was surprised at how calmly he could speak. Maybe it was because he was angry now. Seeing the man who still couldn’t forget him made him sad, pitiful, and angry.
“…What are you saying now?”
“I’m a lowly person who has liked looking after my own interests since childhood, so I just liked the seemingly wealthy eunuch who made my life a little more luxurious.”
“…”
“I’m saying that if it meant becoming a royal concubine who would be a target for everyone, never knowing when I might be used and killed, trapped in the stifling palace—if that was the position I’d have to take, I wouldn’t have given my heart to Your Majesty from the beginning.”
And because he couldn’t disgrace the man who was now the hope of this country, called a virtuous king, just to satisfy his own greed. Although they had missed each other so much, he didn’t want to tarnish the man by having to hide their relationship for fear of being seen or heard, all for the sake of a lowly servant like himself trying to advance in life. Moreover, the man had Juhwan as his Queen—from a noble background and good family, someone whose lineage no one could criticize. He didn’t want to stain that name either.
“…Jeonggwan.”
“So while I gave you my heart, I didn’t love Your Majesty enough to bear that position.”
“…”
“If you’re going to drag me away, then please just kill me here and now.”
Jeonggwan shook off the man’s hand, closed his eyes tight, and knelt down. In truth, he really didn’t want to die. He wanted to shout “Why should I care?” and throw himself into the man’s arms, becoming a legendary seducer. He wanted to be embraced by the man and eat all the rare Tamna tangerines by himself, to ride the man’s horse like a carefree nobleman and shout that he was the Noble Consort while parading through the marketplace. He wanted to give his parents a good house with fine clothes, to let them eat delicious food and live with servants at their command. Who in the world would refuse such things?
But he loved the man’s kindness enough to give all that up. He loved that kindness that had given him affection and treated him warmly, despite knowing he was of lowly birth.
“…You’re saying you’d rather die than follow me?”
“Yes, that’s correct.”
“…”
The people would love such a man too. The man who had removed the worry from their faces by ensuring they wouldn’t starve to death. The man who had made it possible to easily buy and sell honey rice cakes, something they wouldn’t have dared to dream of before. The man who had allowed them to walk around on cold nights without worrying about having their clothes stolen.
“So please kill me now—”
“…That’s enough.”
“…”
“I said that’s enough.”
“…”
Such a man who, knowing the preciousness of human life, wouldn’t kill anyone carelessly, even those of low birth. Everyone would love him.
“…Go.”
Therefore, a lowly person like himself would only be a nuisance to the man. If not now, his existence would surely become a problem in the future. By then, he too would have grown more greedy, able to have anything he wanted. And that would consume the man. Although his departure three years ago had been a decision made entirely for Juhwan’s and the man’s sake, now there were many more people who shouldn’t be disappointed.
“…Since you’ve spared my life, this lowly one will cherish it and live on.”
“…”
“May you be well… and in good health.”
Jeonggwan didn’t look up at the man. With his head bowed, he rose and backed away. The royal guards who had made way for Jeonggwan blocked the view again as soon as he passed through, preventing him from seeing the man.
He didn’t make any gesture of trying to look for the man inside, like someone with lingering attachments. He simply pretended to run away like someone grateful for having his life spared. So that the man would see this behavior, hear his words, and be disappointed. So that he could forget him immediately.
“…”
Despite speaking so arrogantly in front of the man, whether it was the cold spring breeze or something else, the tip of his nose kept stinging. His lips kept trying to collapse, so he forced them up. It was a distorted face that anyone might call grotesque. If he returned to his quarters with such a face, the sleeping Jihoon might have a fit, so Jeonggwan headed to a nearby deserted pond, thinking he should calm down a bit before going back.
The place he thought was a pond was shallower than expected—just a stream. Squatting there, Jeonggwan looked at his reflection in the water to wash his face, only to find that he had been crying for who knows how long, his entire face wet with tears, his shoulders heaving greatly.
Thinking it was truly over, regrets kept surfacing. Despite pretending to be so noble, sacrificing himself for the people’s regard for the man… Now that he thought the man might really be disappointed in him, that he might truly no longer miss him, he kept wanting to turn back and run to the man again. In truth, he wanted to shout that he didn’t care about the people or anything else—just keep loving me. It seemed absurd how contradictory the human heart could be.
Both he and the man were quite amusing when he thought about it. Without ever having shared a bed, how could they pine for each other so much after seeing each other for such a short time? The man was even more ridiculous. Having had everything from birth, what lack drove him to love a lowly person like himself? Even going so far as to hide his status for fear that he might feel burdened…
“What am I, why would he love someone as lowly as me…”
He put his hand in the pond to wash away his tears. Perhaps because it was still spring, the water was ice-cold. The water of the river he had entered three years ago when he last saw the man was colder than this, yet somehow this felt colder now. It was so cold that his body felt like it would freeze at any moment.
Whether Jihoon would be shocked or not, he just wanted to wrap himself in a blanket and sleep all day. As the shivering Jeonggwan stood up from his squatting position to return to the inn—
“Making you not think that way.”
“…!”
Behind him, who knows since when, the man was standing alone, without the royal guards who had surrounded him.
“That’s the country I’m trying to create.”
The man approached with firm steps toward Jeonggwan, who was frozen in surprise looking up at him, with warm eyes full of the same tenderness as before, but with a somewhat resolute expression.
“Even if I can’t do it right away, I will ensure that no one disgraces you.”
“…I don’t mind being disgraced—”
“And I…!”
“…”
“Why don’t you understand that I feel the same way?”
And he embraced fully the person he had longed for over several years, whom he couldn’t even hold in his dreams.
“So don’t tell me ‘Have you been well’ or ‘Be well.'”
“…”
As if unconcerned about who might see. He held that body tightly, conveying his longing.
“…Please, don’t leave me again.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
