#52
I had quite a vivid dream. It was very detailed, as if I had actually experienced it, yet at the same time, it was unclear. It was a hazy dream, like seeing an aurora with shimmering rainbow colors.
Waking up with such a clear fantasy, I had to lie in bed for a long time, staring blankly into space. The quietness of dawn visible through the curtains added to the surreal, dreamlike atmosphere.
The bed smelling of soft fabric softener, the unique scent of sunlight and diffuser in hyung’s house, the warm and sleepy air, the faint ticking of the clock. The stable and static solitude made it even harder to distinguish whether this moment was a dream or reality.
As I traced the plump line of my lower lip with my fingertip in a dazed state, the memory of the dream became even more vivid. I had to lie in bed until the set alarm went off.
Even after leaving the bed, nothing changed. I mechanically prepared for school with a blank face, habitually looked at Saheon hyung’s door with a blank face, took the bus with a blank face, conversed with Choi Hyun-oh with a blank face, and listened to the lecture with a blank face, all while constantly ruminating on last night’s sweet dream.
As I sat in the back, staring blankly at the professor’s face, I didn’t even notice Choi Hyun-oh doodling in my book. Hyun-oh, who poked my dazed side, frowned and gestured with his eyes to look down when I turned my head.
‘Is something wrong?’
After reading the Korean text several times as if it were a foreign language, I slowly shook my head. Only then did I realize that my mouth had been slightly open, and I belatedly closed it.
Hyun-oh, who had been looking at me suspiciously with an observant face, continued to move his pen. He drew a picture of a crying rabbit and wrote in elegant handwriting next to it:
‘You’ve looked unwell all day.’
As I stared at the rabbit drawing that was almost like a habit of Hyun-oh’s, I absentmindedly took the pen that was thrust in front of me. My hand holding the pen felt numb, as if anesthetized, like when skin sensation is dulled right after waking up.
‘It’s nothing.’
I stared down at the sentence I had written, still with a period at the end. Compared to Hyun-oh’s fluid handwriting, my handwriting looked clumped together. As my face turned blank again, Hyun-oh lightly patted my shoulder. I startled and handed the pen back.
‘Is it because of that story about someone you know that you were trying to tell yesterday?’
As I absentmindedly watched Hyun-oh scribbling, I had to read it several times like someone reading a foreign language. Finally, I got a sense of what Hyun-oh was trying to say.
I vaguely remembered trying to tell Hyun-oh about my worries regarding what kind of relationship Saheon hyung and I had. As I quietly looked down at the sentence Hyun-oh had written, my mind was once again consumed by thoughts of Saheon hyung. As I ended up staring blankly at the writing, Hyun-oh quickly wrote more content with a slightly more urgent expression.
‘What kind of story is it that you’re so concerned about?’
The ink clumped a bit at the end of the sentence. Hyun-oh, who had drawn a long line to end the writing, looked at me as if expecting an answer. My cheeks heated up a bit.
Only then did I realize that Hyun-oh had taken my reaction as affirmative. I quickly shook my head almost imperceptibly. Hyun-oh’s suspicious gaze followed, but I had already fallen into other thoughts.
Clearly, until I was about to speak indirectly about Saheon hyung to Hyun-oh, hyung had been an irredeemable piece of trash. He acted as if he only wanted my body, and even made me anxious that I might be discarded after giving him everything he wanted.
But was it because of that strange dream yesterday? My selfish and foolish heart couldn’t easily conclude that ‘Saheon hyung is trash’ even with hyung’s image from the dream.
My lips quivered. The faint heat I felt on my flushed cheeks made my head dizzy. After exhaling a deep, inaudible breath, I continued to chew over the dream again.
I had tried so hard to engrave it in my memory that now I could see it as vividly as a movie, as if I had actually experienced it.
The dream started from when I fell asleep after drinking beer. Me sleeping, me talking with Saheon hyung. It was a dream I watched with a strange sensation as if I had become two people.
‘I like you… Hyung, I like… I like you…’
‘This is your fourth confession now.’
A gentle voice full of laughter tickled my ear. Perhaps due to the hazy sensation as if floating on water, my head was spinning.
‘Hyung fell after three attempts, but Mungmung seems determined to completely crush hyung’s heart.’
The Saheon hyung in my dream seemed to say only what I wanted to hear. The warm and sweet words made my heart ache deep inside.
Saheon hyung seemed to be saying that he had liked me all along. The sweet words that seemed to whisper that he liked me, that he had feelings for me, made me feel so good that I thought I might cry.
Soft lips touched my crown. Hyung smelled of winter wind and skin-scented cologne. As I nuzzled my cheek against the hot body temperature that could be felt even through the shirt, I suddenly caught that Saheon hyung had mentioned a “fourth confession.”
Fourth? I tried to recall when I had confessed four times, but all I could remember was the cold winter between my sixteenth and seventeenth year.
It must have been because it was a dream. I bitterly swallowed hyung’s words that reinforced the assumption that it was a dream.
But still, because it was a dream. Because it was a dream where I could do as I pleased. I decided to indulge in whining that I wouldn’t normally do.
‘…Do you like me?’
‘Yes. I like you.’
‘Why do you like me?’
Even in the dream, my dulled tongue produced a slurred pronunciation. I heard Saheon hyung chuckling softly. In the dream, I lifted my head and met hyung’s eyes. The corners of Saheon hyung’s mouth were gently curved. I felt like I might cry again at the affectionate, gentle gaze.
‘Why does Cheongmyeong like hyung?’
‘…I like you because I like you.’
‘Then hyung likes you because he likes you too.’
I really felt like I might cry. For twenty years, I had only looked at one person, and now that person was saying he liked me. Even though it was a dream, a hot sensation gathered around my eyes, and I had to narrow them as if smiling.
Butterflies fluttered in my chest. My heart area was turbulent, and an inexplicable sense of fulfillment welled up in my stomach. The question that filled my mouth was unbearable if I didn’t spit it out.
‘…If you like me… are we dating?’
The Saheon hyung in my dream laughed. It was a laugh that seemed to contain a hint of incredulity. Since the Saheon hyung in my dream had been saying what I wanted, I naturally expected a positive answer, but when he just laughed without saying anything, my heart sank.
Hyung’s large, warm hand stroked my hair. His soft, hot lips touched my forehead, leaving a definite mark.
‘Weren’t we already dating?’
What a relief. It seemed that even in dreams, I could only hear what I wanted to hear. A happy, ticklish sensation spread from my head to my toes.
Having gained confidence that the hyung in my dream would say everything I wanted, I couldn’t resist the ticklish feeling and continued to open my mouth.
‘Then are you mine…?’
Again, I heard laughter. But this time, there was a corner I could firmly believe in. The silence brought by the laughter was no longer frightening. And, as I expected, hyung whispered:
‘Yes.’
The overwhelming emotion turned into tears. I quickly buried my face in hyung’s chest area. I felt so happy that I thought I could die right then and there. The heat that rushed to my eyes finally couldn’t be held back and turned into water. I could feel through my cheek that hyung’s shirt was getting damp.
‘Why are you crying?’
I still heard a gentle voice mixed with laughter. I shook my head as if to deny it, wiping away the remaining moisture. When I lifted my head to look at hyung again, I saw a face that had become a hundred times more handsome.
‘Give me a kiss.’
The bold request was, of course, granted. The warm sensation that settled on my lips entered through the slightly parted gap. The dream scene ended hazily with the intoxicating sensation of gently biting and sucking my lips and mouth as if I were precious.
Although I had replayed the scene many times, my flushed cheeks showed no signs of cooling down. Rather, the more I thought about it, the more vivid it seemed to become, as if I had actually experienced it.
I was intoxicated by the sweet dream until the end of class, and only half emerged from my reverie when Choi Hyun-oh tapped me, saying it was time to go. Hyun-oh, who was examining my still dreamy face, asked worriedly:
“Do you have a fever? You’ve been off since yesterday.”
Hyun-oh’s hand touched my forehead. Hyun-oh, who was looking at me with a serious face as if checking for fever, removed his hand.
“You seem to have a slight fever. Did you take any medicine?”
“Not medicine…”
I trailed off, mumbling. Hyun-oh, still looking worried, swung his bag around to his back. As we naturally left the building and headed towards the bus stop, Hyun-oh’s nagging, or something like it, was added.
“You should take medicine right away when you show signs of being sick. You might go down hard all at once like that.”
“Okay.”
“Don’t just say okay with words. Look, there’s a pharmacy. We have some time before the bus, let’s quickly buy some.”
Hyun-oh pushed my back. Even though I didn’t have anything like a fever, I had to swallow the medicine under Hyun-oh’s sharp gaze. I briefly worried if it was okay to take medicine when I wasn’t sick, but that concern flew away after I almost missed the bus while throwing away the receipt.
Hyun-oh, who had first taken a seat near the exit door, swung his bag to the front to make it easier for me to sit. I also swung my bag to the front and sat down. As I was putting the purchased medicine in the front pocket of my bag, I heard Hyun-oh’s voice from beside me.
“So what exactly is this story about someone you know? I was so curious I couldn’t sleep last night.”
The bus jolted up and down as it hit a speed bump. I bit the soft flesh inside my mouth. It was because dream and reality had collided once again. The words stuck in my throat below my chin showed no signs of coming out easily.
“Just…”
“Just?”
“…A friend I know and someone they like…”
“Someone they like?”
But the boundaries crumbled in an instant. I, who had opened my mouth unable to resist Hyun-oh’s persistent gaze, mumbled words in response to his attentive posture.
“…They’ve gone all the way… but haven’t heard the words ‘let’s date’…”
“What? What kind of trash person does that?”
I, who was hesitantly trying to finish my sentence, opened my eyes wide in surprise at Hyun-oh’s shout. Hyun-oh immediately lowered his voice, seemingly realizing he was in a public place, but his face was still distorted with anger.
“Is that why you were so worried?”
“Ah, no…”
I noticed that Hyun-oh was thinking of the subject of the curse as a ‘woman,’ but I didn’t say anything. As I averted my gaze, mumbling, Hyun-oh messed up his brightly bleached hair.
“Break up immediately.”
The rapid-fire words stuck in my ears without missing a single one. As I moved my lips, trying to find something to say, Hyun-oh slightly changed his words.
“No, I think it would be good to tell that friend that breaking up seems like a good idea.”
“But… they’re kind and affectionate…”
I unconsciously mumbled excuses about Saheon hyung. Hyun-oh exaggeratedly furrowed his brow and spoke as if admonishing:
“Does a kind and affectionate person just go all the way and run?”
That was true. I was left speechless by Hyun-oh’s words that aligned with my beliefs. Hyun-oh, who had gained the momentum of victory, whispered almost like he was rapping:
“Do those kinds of people always say we’re just friends and then completely bail? Shit, it’s so fucked up…”
Hyun-oh’s curses, which seemed to be muttered, were lost in the bus noise.
“But still…”
As I was about to make a desperate excuse, I realized that until yesterday, I had been thinking similarly to Hyun-oh. I rolled my lips inward and pressed them tightly.
Even though I had such a dream, I was passionately making excuses for hyung. As I became quiet, Hyun-oh belatedly added:
“It’s your friend’s story, right?”
“…Right.”
“You, no. That person would be better off meeting someone else good.”
After finishing his words, Hyun-oh didn’t open his mouth again. He seemed somewhat angry. After awkwardly seeing Hyun-oh off and getting off at the next stop, I kept recalling what he had said as I climbed the now-familiar road.
It was indeed strange to others that they had gone all the way, but there was no talk of dating. I hurried my steps with a gloomy heart, tightly gripping my bag strap.
Even after returning home, eating the doenjang jjigae Saheon hyung had made, and taking a quick shower, my gloomy mood didn’t disappear.
Usually, taking a shower with warm water would make me feel better, but this time it didn’t apply. It was because the sweet dream and the reality Hyun-oh spoke of kept colliding.
Deep sighs kept escaping. I roughly dried my hair with a towel and came out of the bathroom. As I carried out the laundry, I discovered clothes carelessly thrown about in Saheon hyung’s room.
I might as well deal with those too while taking them to the laundry basket. I moved with heavy steps. Saheon hyung wasn’t in the room.
I put down the clothes I was holding and sat down completely on the floor. A cold sensation rose gently. I picked up hyung’s shirt.
In the dream, I seemed to have cried on this shirt. As I looked for tear stains, finding none on the spotlessly clean shirt, I sighed again. It was funny how I hoped for reality even while knowing it was a dream.
If it had really been reality, I could have brushed off Hyun-oh’s words, but the reason I couldn’t was that I, too, vaguely knew the truth. A heavy sigh burst out.
As I blankly stared at the shirt I had lifted with both hands, I brought hyung’s shirt to my nose. The stiff decoration near the three gold stripes crumpled. The shirt collar smelled of hyung’s cologne, and the fabric smelled of fabric softener. There was also hyung’s subtle body scent mixed in.
I slowly closed my eyes. With my shoulders slightly hunched, I deeply inhaled hyung’s scent into my lungs, but I was startled by a voice from behind.
“What are you doing?”
Saheon hyung was looking down at me with a slightly puzzled expression. My cheeks heated up as I realized how strange it must look to have my face buried in hyung’s shirt. I hurriedly made an excuse.
“Ah, that… I was just… Oh right, when’s your flight?”
“I need to leave around 4 tomorrow.”
“I see… There’s time to wash… I mean, launder it then.”
I was about to naturally say “wash” but recalled a suggestive memory and quickly changed my words. I looked at Saheon hyung, wondering if he had noticed my flustering, but he had clearly already noticed. The corners of hyung’s mouth were curved mischievously.
“Just leave it. I’ll wear it as is.”
“But it’s wrinkled. I’ll wash… launder it once.”
“Well. It’s bound to be wrinkled since Cheongmyeong was holding hyung’s shirt so tightly, right?”
I glared at hyung with sulky eyes. The clothes were wrinkled because of Saheon hyung’s bad habit of carelessly
I glared at hyung with sulky eyes. The clothes were wrinkled because of Saheon hyung’s bad habit of carelessly throwing them around. But since I was the one holding the clothes and sniffing them like a pervert, I couldn’t say anything.
“Did you want to wear it?”
“Huh?”
“That shirt. I’m asking if you were holding it because you wanted to wear it.”
“Ah, uh?”
“Want to try it on?”
Saheon hyung gently took the shirt from me before I could answer. The fluttering shirt settled over my top. As I stared blankly at hyung, Saheon hyung held up the arm parts to make it easier to put on.
I put on the shirt as hyung instructed. Thanks to the white short-sleeved t-shirt I was wearing, the parts showing outside the shirt didn’t look too bad.
Saheon hyung kindly buttoned up each button. The buttons were fastened meticulously from the neck to the bottom, and hyung even tucked the shirt into the pants I was wearing with a light gesture.
Perhaps because of the plain black training pants, it wasn’t strange to the point of being odd. From a distance, wouldn’t it look similar to the fit hyung was wearing? I pushed back the slightly long shirt sleeves, pulling my hands forward.
“It suits you well.”
Saheon hyung went ahead and picked up the light purple necktie that was nearby. With just a few quick hand movements, the tie was neatly knotted. The tightly constricting pressure felt like the weight of responsibility.
“…It seems weird.”
“No, it really suits you well. Stand up and look.”
Saheon hyung grabbed my wrist and pulled me up. As soon as I stood up, I saw my reflection in the dresser mirror. Hyung led me a bit closer to the dresser. Even though I wondered what he was up to, I followed along dumbfoundedly.
“You look like a flight attendant. Our Cheongmyeong. You could go on a flight with hyung like this, couldn’t you?”
Hyung’s hand moved to my hair, which still had a slight dampness. When he swept my hair back with a part, like he did when leaving for work, I looked like a kid pretending to be an adult. Feeling awkward about the hairstyle, I stepped back with an embarrassed face. However, my back only met Saheon hyung’s body.
“I don’t think it suits me…”
“I’m telling you it suits you well?”
Saheon hyung sincerely offered words of praise. My cheeks turned slightly red. In the mirror, I was at a loss in my awkward attire. Saheon hyung put his hand on my shoulder. His widely curved lips seemed to look pleased. I pretended to give in to his subtle compliment and opened my mouth.
“…Really?”
“Yes. You’re really pretty. Now let’s do some role-playing.”
