#92. Red Flag in a Relationship (7)
“Do we really have to do this?”
No answer came to the quietly voiced question that carried a hint of complaint. I fidgeted with my fingertips and opened my mouth again.
“Jihan…”
He was still absorbed in his task. After sitting me on the bed, he dried my hair with a fluffy new towel and removed the plastic wrap that had been tightly bound to keep water from getting on my leg again.
Kneeling on one knee on the floor, he worked busily with his hands the entire time without saying a word. So I wondered if maybe he hadn’t heard me.
‘There’s no way that’s it.’
This is Na Jihan we’re talking about – as if he’d miss what I said. This guy is just deliberately not answering and holding out.
Not wanting to back down, I gathered courage once more.
“There’s still time before the makeup appointment. Right? So if we just stop by the hospital briefly in the morning…”
“No.”
Only then did Na Jihan break his silence and cut off my words.
“Don’t make me repeat the same thing, Yoon Seowoo.”
He added like he was scolding me, then gripped my ankle and pressed firmly behind the ankle bone. When I let out pained sounds at the sharp spreading pain, Na Jihan looked up at me quietly.
“See this. Even the side without the cast still hurts.”
“Hey, that’s because you’re pressing on it.”
“I was being gentle.”
Apparently bothered that I said it hurt anyway, his grip loosened a bit.
“Your muscles have all deteriorated too, so today won’t work. It won’t be too late to remove it after you’re completely healed.”
I couldn’t deny that half-healed injuries tend to become chronic problems. That’s actually how idols’ lives get consumed. No matter how much you manage it, there’s no way to avoid muscles getting twisted and joints wearing down.
“And I need to keep you tied up so you won’t do anything reckless.”
Na Jihan’s hand wrapped around my entire sole as if supporting it, then fell away.
“It’s because of the stage, isn’t it? The reason you’re being stubborn.”
It was true.
Today there was a fan signing in the afternoon, and a fan meeting scheduled for the evening. Since there were not only face-to-face events but also a performance afterward, it was a situation where I couldn’t help but feel greedy.
I already couldn’t properly promote this album due to my injury. So at least to ease the fans’ disappointment and worry…
“No.”
“…”
“Rehabilitation first, not activities, and treatment before rehabilitation. Everything has an order and procedure, Yoon Seowoo-shi.”
“…Okay.”
“Good boy.”
Though disappointed, I wasn’t upset. It was because I knew he was nagging like this because he didn’t want me to sparkle brightly only to shatter into pieces, because he wanted to take care of me.
Seeing that my expression looked dejected, Na Jihan playfully tickled the hollow part of my sole. When I finally burst out laughing, he smiled brightly too.
But that gentle peace didn’t last long. Na Jihan’s attitude, which had been close to me, became a bit awkward. As if he had suddenly become aware of the intimate distance between us.
“…Let’s go once your hair is completely dry.”
Na Jihan turned his head while rubbing the back of his neck. It was a habit he often showed when feeling embarrassed and awkward.
‘And he was chattering away just fine a moment ago.’
Idiot. I muttered inwardly and pouted.
Na Jihan, who had been intimately close to a degree harmful to my heart, had at some point started creaking like this bit by bit. It meant we had become a puzzling relationship where he seemed to act normally but then avoided me, seemed to get along well but then felt awkward.
At the beginning of that change was my confession. After I poured out my long-held feelings to him on the way back from filming ‘One Night Away’, a crack of exactly that size appeared between us.
Of course, that didn’t mean discord between us. Yoon Seowoo and Na Jihan were still friends, members, and family. He still cherished me and took special care of me.
But because we had been seamlessly close, I could see the very subtle and personal changes that only I would notice.
For example, things like this. The guy who used to barge into my room asking to sleep together now returns to his own room every night without fail.
It’s not that he doesn’t come to my room at all. Instead of being my arm pillow, he sits by my bedside and waits until I fall asleep before leaving.
I was sometimes curious. What exactly was the reason for this awkwardness wrapped around his still-affectionate behavior? Did he want to keep distance because my feelings were impure? Or was it to reflect on our relationship anew because he had become conscious of my feelings?
If not that, was he waiting until the promise to give up on him was kept?
“…Yoon Seowoo.”
“…”
“Seowoo-ya.”
A snapping sound came from right in front of me. Na Jihan, who had snapped his fingers to wake me up, frowned slightly.
“What are you thinking about so hard?”
While I was fumbling for words, Na Jihan’s hand approached. He quickly lifted my shirt to take it off and pushed a sweater over my head.
After being dark for a moment, my vision brightened and his smiling face filled it completely.
“Get ready. We need to go now. It’s the schedule you’ve been waiting for.”
“…Yeah.”
Even though my leg wasn’t fully healed so I couldn’t dance, I was still going to perform on stage. It was even my first time seeing fans up close.
When my face brightened with anticipation and I reached out my arms, Na Jihan lifted me up as if it were natural.
Leaning slightly into his embrace, I secretly made excuses.
‘I couldn’t help it.’
My unrequited love remained.
To make excuses, it’s because it’s an old feeling. Because it’s a feeling that put down roots too deep, it needs time to be removed. Just because it’s an impossible first love doesn’t mean it has to be trivial.
So I’ll like you just until today, and starting tomorrow I’ll really give up.
Like that, I repeated the resolution I made and failed at every day, again today.
* * *
Fiddling with my pen, I looked at my very nervous companion.
‘I know this face.’
It was a familiar face.
Living as an idol, you get to know fans like this. It’s close to memorizing faces one by one, mainly people who come to greet us in front of the company building or on our way to and from work, and those we encounter during schedules.
Of course, I don’t express the internal intimacy I’ve built up on my own. It’s because I know that personal relationships I build aren’t particularly helpful for either me or the other person.
But…
“…Why, why are you looking at me like that?”
Ah, I guess I was staring too intently. I smiled slightly and moved my hand. My signature, which I now drew quite familiarly, glided across the album surface.
It was hard not to acknowledge knowing this face. I asked indirectly.
“Is this your first time coming to our schedule?”
It was exactly that fan. The one who received my letter in Jeju Island, who then came to the music broadcast with a personal slogan. The fan who ultimately made me sing while crying.
If I just acknowledged knowing her, I could tell her. That I remember too. That I was grateful she came to see me again. That I was really happy then.
But she turned bright red and subtly avoided eye contact.
“It’s, it’s my first time.”
“Oh…”
“…Why? Is there some problem?”
“No. It’s not that.”
She wants me to pretend not to know. Well, it’s not like there aren’t people listening. I smiled brightly and answered.
“You look a bit like someone I met before.”
Then she raised her head with a jerk. Undeniable expectation rippled in her black eyes.
I knew it was right. I felt proud to have gotten confirmation from her too.
“What kind of… person was it?”
“Someone meaningful to me.”
I answered calmly and honestly.
“Someone very grateful who made me think I had done well in my efforts.”
After writing a short one-line letter below my signature, I held out the album and asked.
“Is there anything else you’d like to see?”
The time allotted to individuals at fan signings is strictly limited. I wanted to take good care of her in those few short minutes.
Hapil Jae had grabbed the clumsy me and repeatedly explained that I was responsible for all that time.
‘Just because fans are spacing out doesn’t mean hyung should too. These are people who spent money and time to come all the way here. If they’re flustered or shy and can’t speak, hyung should speak first. Hold their hand, smile, ask about this and that.’
‘Got it. You said to answer properly too, right?’
‘Yes. No matter how simple the question, you can’t just answer and end it there. Soulless responses, that kind of thing is absolutely not allowed. We have a duty not to waste even one second of the fans’ time. You understand what I mean, right?’
‘Yeah. I’ll keep it in mind.’
Recalling that conversation, I cheerfully spoke first.
“There’s also the 4-piece aegyo set. Oh, the flower crown you gave me as a gift. I’ll wear it right now, so shall we take a picture?”
But no matter how much I chattered away, she only looked at the album I had given her. More precisely, her gaze was fixed on the one line I had written and wouldn’t move away.
The moment I saw her eyes glistening as if about to cry, I couldn’t help but burst into laughter.
“Sorry I couldn’t pretend not to know.”
“…Seowoo-ya.”
“But I was happy. I wanted to say thank you.”
“…”
“For making a wish that was just my own resolution come true, I was grateful for that… Oh my, why are you crying?”
I quickly pulled out tissues from my bag and gave them to her.
“I didn’t make some mistake, did I?”
“No. It’s absolutely not that…”
She ended up crying and laughing at the same time, still holding the album in her hands.
The one-line letter I had written as neatly as possible sparkled.
「Thank you for coming to see me again.」
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
