#84. Commonalities of First Love (8)
“It’s exactly the meaning you’re thinking of.”
The one fortunate thing was that I could confess calmly. If I had trembled with nervousness, it would have felt somehow unfair.
“It’s not that it’s not friendship, but right now the feeling of liking you is bigger.”
“……Yoon Seowoo.”
When I glanced back, Na Jihan’s face was filled with bewilderment. He seemed completely unprepared for me to say such things.
Why didn’t he know? I’m not that difficult a person. You who know everything about me, who know me better than I know myself, yet you were the only one who didn’t know this one feeling I had about you – it felt somehow foolish.
“I’m going to sort it out.”
I quickly added before he could say anything.
“I just need a little time.”
“……”
“I’ve liked you for a long time. It’s not a feeling that started just a day or two ago. So……”
So I need time to get over it too. To organize these feelings bit by bit and return to the friendship you want will take quite a lot of effort.
“Please wait just a little.”
There were moments when I didn’t want to give up these feelings. Because liking you seemed so much better than liking someone else, I spent quite a long time pretending not to know while letting my heart swell.
But this is right. I wanted to believe I did well. As you said, and as I said, we are fate and forever. The feeling of liking you is certainly very big, but still, you’re the most important thing.
If this is the only compromise that allows me to promise a lifetime with you.
“I’ll stop.”
I said this while trying not to taste the bitterness of those words.
“I won’t like you anymore, from now on.”
When I looked at Na Jihan again, his expression was complicated. He seemed surprised, and also caught off guard. He opened his mouth as if wanting to say something, but eventually frowned and pressed his lips into a line.
I wasn’t hoping for any particular answer. This was both a confession and an outpouring, an outpouring and also a notification.
Fortunately, the others arrived. Bae Dojin and Lee Yuwon joined us saying the manager had something come up, and Na Hyeonjun sat in the driver’s seat, ending our conversation just like that.
But just because we weren’t talking didn’t mean we could hide the unnatural atmosphere completely. When I kept looking out the window instead of chatting warmly with Na Jihan, Na Hyeonjun glanced at me through the rearview mirror and asked.
“What’s with this atmosphere?”
“……”
“Did Na Jihan do something wrong again?”
Na Jihan asked bluntly.
“Am I someone who’s always doing wrong to Yoon Seowoo?”
“That’s not it, but when you two fight, the cause is usually……”
“It’s not like that.”
I answered quietly and just closed my eyes. I decided it would be better to pretend to sleep.
Fortunately, I seemed to have fallen asleep after we entered the highway. When I woke from a light sleep, the car had already stopped, and from the voices I could faintly hear, it seemed we had already entered Seoul.
“You must be tired from the long drive. Yuwon and I will get off here. Thank you for taking us to the company building.”
“Oh, not at all. It’s all part of the job I get paid for.”
“Thank you. We’ll see you next time.”
“I want to get off here too, hyung.”
“Jihan, why you?”
“I need to practice. I have to work on the choreography.”
“Then should I wake Seowoo too?”
After a brief silence, Na Jihan’s voice came again. It was clear he was speaking quietly so I wouldn’t wake up.
“No. Seowoo will be tired, so it’s better for him to rest. Take him to the dorm and you should go in and rest too, hyung.”
“You, Jihan.”
“I have a car parked in the company basement. And I’m not tired from this much.”
“True…… with his stamina, this much is him pushing himself. Still, I thought you’d practice together.”
“That would be nice, but.”
Suddenly, a tickling sensation brushed my forehead. He seemed to be tidying my hair.
“I don’t want to bother him, for a while.”
“You finally feel like being considerate?”
I suddenly became curious. Does Na Jihan know that I’m listening to his voice right now?
“Yeah.”
“……”
“He said he needs time.”
Is that why he’s speaking so tenderly?
The touch that felt like a gentle breeze moved away. Even though I wanted to grab it desperately in my longing, I had to suppress the urge because of what I had told him.
And so we waited a bit more and arrived at the Arcus dorm.
“It’s only been two days since we last saw each other.”
Hapil Jae, who had been reading a book on the second floor and ran down after seeing the CCTV, opened the door for us.
“Has it been 2 years? Seowoo hyung…… huh.”
As I trudged inside, Hapil Jae tilted his head and then started following me eagerly. He was like a curious cat.
“Why do you look like that?”
“What’s wrong with my expression?”
“Something…… like you’ve been rejected?”
My steps heading up the stairs stopped abruptly.
When I turned around slightly, a bit flustered, Hapil Jae shrugged and said in a nonchalant tone.
“I’m speaking metaphorically. Anyway, didn’t something happen?”
“……Yeah.”
“What about Jihan hyung? I thought he’d come up together.”
“He said he’ll practice and come. He got off at the company first.”
“Mm-hm. Get some rest.”
I went up to my room with slow steps and searched my phone for words that came to mind.
‘How to give up on someone you like’, ‘How to stop having a one-sided love’, ‘After confessing to a friend’, ‘It became awkward after confessing’, ‘How to quickly get over feelings’……
Reading all sorts of stories floating around the internet, I realized there were more people living with similar feelings to mine than I thought. Everyone was living while liking someone, worrying, and being concerned.
The sudden flutter of feelings for a longtime friend also existed occasionally, even if it wasn’t common. Like the story I heard on Bae Dojin’s radio show.
The fact that my love wasn’t actually that unusual gave me a strange comfort.
I fell asleep clutching my phone while eagerly browsing through other people’s stories.
That night, I dreamed of a gentle breeze staying by my side for a moment before leaving.
* * *
Giving up on a one-sided love was more difficult than I thought.
‘They say when bodies grow distant, hearts grow distant too.’
Then does being physically close mean hearts have no choice but to be close too?
As I had hoped, Na Jihan gave me time. He tried his best to pretend nothing happened and act as usual, not bringing up that day’s events first.
In that sense, it seemed like he was helping me successfully give up my one-sided love, but seeing him constantly being affectionate made me wonder if he really wanted to help.
Several more days passed like that, and the morning came when I had to go to an individual schedule.
“Seowoo hyung. Hyung. Wake up. You have to go to the shoot.”
Maybe because I practiced choreography until late dawn and slept, my body felt heavy as lead. When I made a groaning sound, Hapil Jae, who had quietly entered my room, gently shook my sprawled body.
“Eat breakfast and then go. I also have something to do nearby, so I need to go together.”
“I don’t want to eat breakfast……”
Lifting my heavy eyelids was no easy task. I wanted to save even one second of eating time to sleep more.
“You won’t eat? Then should I put it away? I heard they prepared easy-to-eat things. They even made fresh stew.”
Finding something strange in Hapil Jae’s words, I got up groggily.
Ahn Haesol went to his family home yesterday because something came up. He said he’d return this evening at the earliest, tomorrow at the latest.
Hapil Jae can’t control the heat and always burns food, and Joo Lee Seon says seasoning is difficult so he mainly makes Western food rather than Korean.
Na Hyeonjun hadn’t come by either, so the person who made fresh stew was……
“Huh? What? Why are you suddenly getting up?”
“……I’ll go downstairs.”
“Weren’t you going to sleep more without eating breakfast? I was going to let you sleep about 10 more minutes.”
“I changed my mind.”
When I went down to the first-floor dining room, sure enough, there was a meal modestly prepared for one person. Seeing the small portions of side dishes and the prettily rolled egg roll, I knew who had prepared it without even looking.
‘How can I not like you when you do things like this.’
I sat down with a small complaint to myself. Soon I picked up my spoon and started chewing the food Na Jihan had prepared for me.
Just until today. I moved my jaw diligently while making a resolution. I’ll like you just until today, and from tomorrow I’ll really give up.
No matter how affectionately tomorrow’s you acts……
“Hyung.”
Hapil Jae, sitting across from me with his elbows on the table and chin propped up, asked.
“Do you like Jihan hyung that much?”
My chopsticks, which had been moving diligently, stopped abruptly in mid-air.
“……What did you say?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
