- Commonalities of First Love (3)
What is Yoon Seowoo to Na Jihan? What meaning could he possibly hold that makes me feel so happy, sad, hopeful, and confused all at once?
“You’re just you.”
“……”
“I’m not trying to be evasive, it’s just hard to explain. It’s not a relationship that can be neatly summarized in a few words, and there’s no one similar to compare you to…”
Na Jihan frowned as he studied my expression. He seemed to realize his answer wasn’t sufficient.
But even with more contemplation, he couldn’t come up with anything more to explain. His face crumpled like someone who had swallowed something bitter, yet he didn’t add anything more pointed.
Is your mind as chaotic as mine?
“I feel like it won’t change no matter what happens. No, that’s not it. I think I don’t want it to change. That’s probably why I worry about it.”
Is that why he said it shouldn’t be love? To me, love was a change that came naturally as I matured, but to him, love was nothing more than a troublesome variable that could ruin our relationship.
“What about you? What am I to you?”
“I…”
Of course, my answer wasn’t much different from Na Jihan’s. To me, Na Jihan is just Na Jihan. Your name was practically a proper noun that expressed our relationship.
But.
I swallowed the words that had risen to my throat along with a dry gulp.
But, Jihan. I like you. Sometimes I don’t want to give up these feelings that grew without warning, and other times I think I should abandon them quickly.
Sometimes I hope nothing changes no matter what happens, but truthfully, I selfishly wish everything would be shaken up completely and reborn into something new. I want to sort out all these feelings, yet at the same time, I don’t.
My stomach churned. The unsettled emotions mixed chaotically inside me, threatening to boil over.
“Yoon Seowoo?”
When I just stood there silently with a troubled expression, Na Jihan bent his head slightly, seemingly worried.
As his face drew closer, a memory naturally surfaced. The moment we kissed at his house on my last birthday seemed to flash brilliantly in my mind.
Was that why?
“…Sorry.”
Just as his hand was about to cup my face, I pushed Na Jihan’s touch away. I only meant to gently create some distance between us, but in my urgency, I ended up swinging my hand and hitting him.
“I’m sorry.”
The corner of the notebook I’d been clutching brushed against Na Jihan’s cheek. As he touched his cheek with a dazed expression, faint red droplets of blood appeared from the thin scratch.
“Yoon Seowoo. I’m fine.”
He said it was just a scratch, that it didn’t hurt, but my heart wasn’t fine. He was the one who got hurt, yet my heart was racing madly.
Na Jihan grabbed my wrist, perhaps wanting to calm me down, but his body heat only made me feel like crying.
For an idol, their face is their livelihood. Even if it wasn’t during promotions, and even if it wasn’t intentional…
‘This is the worst.’
Self-loathing washed over me the moment I realized I had hurt Na Jihan.
With my lips tightly bitten, I muttered:
“I’ll calm down. I’ll calm down… please let go.”
A stinging pain radiated from the wrist he had just been holding. It wasn’t because he had gripped me painfully. It seemed more like I was painfully aware of his existence.
Like lyrics I had thought about, written, and rewritten multiple times while thinking of him.
– You grew up and disappeared at once
Only the pain of your absence remains clear
That’s my secret that you’ll never know
My pathetic first love that you never saw
My eyes burned hot. At this rate, I was going to cry pathetically in front of Na Jihan.
“I’m sorry. I just need to… get some air…”
I spoke incoherently.
“The café on the first floor, I’ll just go to the café. I feel like I need to drink something. And get some bandages… ointment…”
I hurriedly left the practice room. Contrary to my worry, Na Jihan didn’t call me back. Still, I bounded down the stairs two, three steps at a time as if he might chase after me.
I remembered what the members had said about there being too little distance between us. It was truly an accurate assessment. Na Jihan doesn’t know how to let me out of his embrace, and I’m drawn to him, constantly revealing what’s inside me.
This is exactly why I had insisted on not debuting in the same group.
I was out of breath. Or perhaps what was rising was my emotions. This suffocating, dry feeling that I couldn’t spit out nor swallow down was pooling in my chest, spreading a dull pain.
Walking mindlessly, I nearly collided with someone coming around the corner. Fortunately, they reached out and grabbed my shoulder.
“Seowoo-ssi. What’s wrong?”
It was Bae Dojin. He had mentioned going to buy snacks for his group members, and his hands were full.
I poured out what was overflowing inside me to the slightly startled Dojin. My voice came out pathetically, sounding like I was both lashing out and begging for help.
“You said you’d been in a one-sided love before, Dojin hyung.”
Bae Dojin’s eyes grew round.
“Were you… were you this much of a mess too?”
Sordid, pathetic, and childish beyond words. Doing things I wouldn’t normally do, unable to sort out my own feelings, making embarrassing mistakes, sometimes wanting my feelings to be discovered while also dreading the possibility—did you also have times like these?
Bae Dojin, who had been looking at me with a surprised expression, soon smiled with a slight grimace and answered:
“Words can’t describe it all.”
Having caught the signal I sent in my anger, he spoke in a gentle, soothing voice.
“I was going to give you something anyway. Want to wait in the meeting room? It’ll only take a minute.”
I nodded. Even as I followed his directions to the meeting room upstairs, I was so out of it that I barely understood what I was doing.
While I sat on the edge of a chair trying to catch my breath, Bae Dojin returned and handed me what he had brought. A warm drink and a binder of documents.
“You don’t look good. Sounds like the talk with junior Jihan didn’t go well.”
The drink I hesitantly accepted had a sweet aroma. A chocolate latte, he said. Normally I wouldn’t have touched it, but I couldn’t refuse Bae Dojin’s urging to at least take a sip, so I gradually drank it.
As I drank the sweet, rich, warm beverage that was almost cloyingly sweet, I surprisingly felt a bit calmer.
I fiddled with the takeout cup and parted my lips.
“I really like Jihan.”
I spoke as if sighing.
“When I’m with him, I keep doing stupid things. I don’t want to, but my heart doesn’t listen. It was never easy, but lately it’s worse. I wonder if it might be better not to be together at all…”
“But given the situation, that’s not easy either.”
Bae Dojin opened the binder in front of me as he spoke.
“We got an offer for a variety show. Have you heard of ‘One Day Sleepover’?”
Of course I knew it. Though its popularity has waned slightly now, it used to be called a national variety show because of how popular it was.
‘One Day Sleepover’ is a travel variety show where panels and guests travel around the country for overnight trips. Because the program aims to introduce beautiful parts of Korea that we might not know about, they often go to mountains, fields, and the sea.
“It seems they want you and Na Jihan from Arcus to appear. They want to highlight the close relationship between you two.”
“Is refusing…”
Obviously difficult. With only two months left until our comeback, we needed all the promotion we could get for our first full album.
“Difficult, yes. And this time, we can’t switch members.”
“…”
“Since we’re going as a group, the meetings and filming shouldn’t be too difficult.”
I became puzzled by his comforting words and asked:
“As a group?”
I was thinking about why it would be a group when Jihan and I were going.
“It’s a Midnight Entertainment seniors and juniors special. So Yuwon and I will be there too.”
“…What?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
