- Words to Regret (8)
“It’s a meaningless hypothesis.”
I shrugged my shoulders.
“All hypotheticals are meaningless. If you wanted something realistic, you’d make a plan, not a hypothesis.”
Na Jihan began to contemplate with a rather serious attitude. At times he frowned as if trying to hold back rising dissatisfaction, seeming cautious since we had argued about similar topics before.
“I don’t really understand.”
After a long silence, Jihan said.
“Or rather, I can’t imagine it. What you’re talking about is being lovers, right? Being in the closest relationship.”
“Yes.”
“I wonder if there’s any reason to do that, and it doesn’t seem likely. I thought you felt the same way I do—that dating or marriage has no merit.”
My startled face was reflected in Jihan’s dark, clear eyes.
“You said I was all you needed. Isn’t that right?”
“…”
“I only need you.”
That was actually true. You alone are enough for me. That had been my habit of speech for a long time, and Jihan had heard it more than a hundred times.
Even with these hypotheticals, I never really intended to meet someone else. All the remaining space in my heart belonged to Jihan.
But that’s just my story. I like you so I only need you, but why do you only need me?
Maybe you too…
“You’re curious about other people, huh.”
Jihan, who had been thinking deeply again, asked.
“I guess so. No matter how quiet you are, you’re still human. You could be curious.”
“…What?”
He spoke to me as I blinked blankly.
“If you’re not the type to seek romance, there’s only one thing left.”
“…”
“Is that why you listened so intently when the others were talking about it?”
I was curious, that’s true. But not because I wanted to do it with someone else—I was curious about what it would feel like to kiss Jihan.
As I hesitated without speaking honestly, his face drew closer. It was now so close that I couldn’t even measure my own face in his eyes.
The moment I realized there was no sense of distance between us, a breath like a soft breeze tickled around my lips.
“Then we can just try it and solve this.”
Before I could say anything, a soft sensation settled on my lips.
It felt like my mind went completely blank. The tumult inside me seemed to freeze instantly.
“Don’t like it?”
His question seeped through our touching lips. I couldn’t give any answer to this hot, moist question mark, silently opening and closing my mouth.
I was bewildered. This wasn’t what I had wished for. But I didn’t dislike it. No, rather, I liked it. My heart, mixed with numerous emotions and thoughts, began to cause a commotion, beating wildly.
Jihan tilted his head. I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or not because I had tightly closed my eyes, unable to bear the confusion.
As our lips interlocked more deeply, my body’s center fell backward. I heard something heavy drop with a thud as my body sank into the bed.
After bumping lips several times and sucking in my lower lip as if gauging something, Jihan whispered.
“For a kiss, you need to use your tongue.”
As if those words were a spell, strength completely drained from my body. I accepted and swallowed the invader that filled my mouth.
The first kiss was different from what I had heard, and even more different from what I had imagined. It was far from the expressions my peers had exaggerated about, like tasting lemons or hearing bells ringing.
It was hot, wet, and overwhelming. The wet sounds gathering inside my ears were embarrassing, and not knowing how to breathe made me wander, causing my vision to spin. I was even afraid that my feelings might flow uncontrollably through our bodies pressed together without any gap.
“Jiha—mm, Jihan…”
Every time our saliva-glossed lips entangled and separated, it felt like my body temperature rose. I called out to him urgently, panting.
“…Jihan, hh, I can’t breathe.”
“Just breathe through your nose.”
He whispered, pressing his forehead against mine as if pushing down.
“How is it?”
I looked at him with dazed eyes and answered.
“…It’s strange.”
“Did you dislike it?”
“It’s not that I disliked it…”
I don’t know how to express it. It felt like I had been dropped into a completely unknown world, and also like adding color, scent, and taste to a vague imagination. A bewildered joy and an unknown pain sparked like static electricity.
Is this what it feels like to dream with your eyes open?
“What about you?”
I asked, trying not to show too much expectation.
“Jihan, how was it for you?”
“Well…”
He said, moving his head slightly away.
“I think this much is okay.”
He slowly rubbed his lower lip with his thumb and nodded.
“Maybe it’s because it’s you, but it’s fine.”
Swallowing those words, a ticklish wave rose in my chest. The expectation I had suppressed for so long began to cry out.
He didn’t dislike it? It was okay because it was me? Wasn’t his tone suggesting there could be a next time if I wanted?
“If you say you’re curious about other people… I’d want to stop you. Even if you weren’t an idol.”
I stared at him intently, forgetting even to breathe.
“Jihan.”
I was about to say that might be jealousy, or perhaps love.
“Love isn’t something worth expecting from you.”
The moment his calm face was captured in my eyes, which had been excited with heat and anticipation, I was dragged back to reality with the sensation of cold water being thrown on me.
“You said you dislike things that have an end. You said it was strange how people who were once madly in love could become worse than strangers just because they no longer loved each other.”
…That was true. Looking at my father who was still alive somewhere, yet treated worse than a dead person. Watching my mother who constantly worried and struggled because of him, I had thought that way.
Jihan had always been by my side. That meant he had also seen me getting hurt by my parents’ misaligned and damaged love.
“So I think I’d be anxious if you said you loved someone. I’d worry that you were deliberately seeking out ways to get hurt.”
Jihan wiped my lips with his fingertips. Unlike his affectionate touch, his words dug mercilessly into me.
“You said you didn’t dislike it either. So if you’re curious about something, just use me.”
“…Jihan.”
“If it’s okay with me, there’s no need for it to be someone else, right?”
“…”
“I’ll be with you for life, but love is just a season.”
I wasn’t angry. After all, this was Jihan’s best conclusion and solution after much deliberation. I knew well that his actions stemmed from concern for me, and were the result of his struggle to give me whatever I wanted.
Even knowing that, it wasn’t okay. This subtle despair, which I couldn’t blame him for, kept painfully pricking my insides. I felt good during the kiss, but after our lips parted, I wanted to cry. It was much better than I had imagined, and simultaneously much worse.
If I had known that first love would be such a mess, I wouldn’t have started it at all. I grew to despise this endless fever that I had never chosen.
“Love is just a season…”
That’s correct. Nothing in this world is eternal, and even love will wither when its season passes.
If that’s the case, Jihan, when will my season of liking you ever end?
“What? Where are you going?”
When I suddenly got up and left the bed, a startled Jihan grabbed my wrist.
“I’m going to sleep in the guest room.”
I don’t know what expression I had, but instead of saying anything, Jihan let go of my hand. He seemed a bit surprised and perhaps confused.
“Are you angry?”
“No.”
“Thinking about it again, did you dislike it?”
“Not that either.”
“Then it’s fine, right?”
“…I don’t think so.”
It felt miserable—I was still in love, but you weren’t.
“Now that we’ve tried it, my curiosity is satisfied.”
I forced my voice out, squeezing my throat.
“So I don’t think we need to do it a second time. That’s good, right?”
I left the room without waiting for his answer. Even until I entered the guest room as if escaping, my heart was beating so hard it hurt my chest.
“Jihan.”
I mumbled in the darkness.
“…Jihan.”
For me, love wasn’t an emotion worth expecting. As you said, it was deliberately seeking ways to get hurt. Nevertheless, it had already begun, and love was what made me endlessly do foolish things with you.
So in the end, my love changed and eventually became you.
Then, what about you?
The question that had been circling the tip of my tongue, which I never could ask, leaked out.
“…What am I to you?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
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