- Words to Regret (5)
Speechless, I remained silent for a moment.
Don’t get your hopes up. You shouldn’t expect anything. There’s no way it could be the meaning or feeling I’m thinking of.
The excitement I had pressed down firmly—through declarations, acceptance, and sometimes even rebukes—screamed and raised its head once again.
Na Jihan, how can you be so affectionate? I like you, so I want to say things you’ll like, even if I have to steal someone else’s role, but why do you keep saying things to please me when it’s not even love?
I want to know, yet I don’t want to know. I want to measure exactly how similar your feelings are to mine, but when I’m gripped by the thought that all this might just be a benefit bestowed by ignorance, I lose the courage to open Pandora’s box.
“It’s late now…”
My throat tightened and a strange thirst arose.
I can’t be sure what expression I’m making right now, but it’s probably idiotic. Thankfully, there was no one around.
“I’ll leave first thing in the morning. See you at the dorm.”
– What about leaving now?
“Hyeonjun hyung needs rest too, dummy.”
– Hmm…
“About the terrarium you gave me for my birthday. Give it a name or something.”
I’d heard that some people name their plants like they name dogs or cats, and I figured there was no reason you couldn’t name moss.
As if he already had something in mind, Jihan laughed cheerfully.
– I’ll tell you what I named it when you get back.
“Okay.”
– Let’s go to my house next weekend. Clear both days.
Before I could respond with “okay,” Jihan spoke faster.
– I can’t yield on your birthday. I’m number one that day.
“You…”
You’re always number one, on my birthday and on days that aren’t my birthday. You always are to me.
The unspoken words lingered on the tip of my tongue for a while before dissolving with a tingling sensation.
“Alright. Let’s be together this weekend.”
– How was today? Did you have fun?
“It was fascinating.”
Holding my phone, I flopped down and told him about what happened today. I was rambling without structure due to my excitement, but Jihan listened quietly as if he didn’t mind.
– Next time, go with me too.
“Do you like going to festivals too?”
– I like going with you.
He said decisively.
– I worry about sending you alone to crowded places, and I’m curious about how you enjoy yourself.
“I wasn’t alone today either…”
It was fortunate Hapil Jae couldn’t hear this. He would have thrown a fit, asking if we thought he was invisible.
– Also, I want to see that sunbae.
“Sunbae? Bae Dojin sunbaenim?”
Jihan replied in a slightly terse voice.
– To apologize.
“…”
– I’ll apologize. But come with me.
Instead of answering, I burst into laughter.
* * *
“Oh my, our little son!”
As soon as the door opened, a cheerful voice rang out clearly, and someone hugged me tightly.
“It’s too difficult to see your face these days. You’re so busy you barely keep in touch, auntie is hurt. Should I have to learn about my two sons’ lives from entertainment news?”
“Ahaha. I’m sorry, auntie.”
When I started coughing from being hugged too tightly, the arms that had been squeezing me loosened.
“Let’s go in. Everyone arrived just in time.”
Jihan’s mother didn’t look much like him. But the dimples that appeared briefly when she smiled widely or the gently curved eyes were exactly like his, making the saying “blood is thicker than water” seem true.
“Seowoo’s face has become half its size.”
She sighed deeply and said.
“If something’s hard, make Jihan do it. That’s why I bore him with strong bones. Even though managing your appearance is part of being an idol, how can you have any energy when you’ve lost so much weight?”
“I’m fine…”
“Come on. Let’s talk while we eat, okay?”
Following her guidance, we arrived at a dining room with a truly lavish feast laid out. There was not only cake and seaweed soup, essential for a birthday table, but also ribs, ginseng chicken soup, japchae, salad, and roasted vegetables…
“Whew. Good thing we arrived before the table collapsed.”
Na Jia, Jihan’s sister who had arrived earlier, waved cheerfully.
“I was using all my strength to stop them from ordering pizza too, saying there should be some Western food. Hello, kids.”
“Jia noona.”
Na Jia nudged the quiet man sitting next to her with her shoulder and chided him.
“Be a bit more friendly with your greeting. This brother-in-law is the real power here.”
“Power?”
“Jihan’s attitude is determined by how well you treat Seowoo. Right?”
Unlike me, who quickly waved off the man’s questioning gaze, Jihan responded in an unabashed voice.
“Of course. I don’t need to see people who don’t treat Seowoo well.”
Jihan, who had taken his seat, pulled me to sit beside him and nodded toward the food.
“Let’s eat quickly.”
“Yes. Auntie prepared this food from the crack of dawn, so eating as much as possible is helping her.”
Once Na Hyeonjun, who had just finished a call, sat down, a lively and harmonious meal began.
There was a time when this gathering felt awkward. The first birthday after my mother passed away, Jihan’s mother said she would celebrate my birthday from that year on and prepared a table full of food like this.
The picture-perfect harmonious atmosphere, kind people, delicious food, and a colorfully decorated birthday cake.
It all felt so good that I felt like a puzzle piece that didn’t fit in. Like it wasn’t my share, like I shouldn’t be enjoying it. The awkwardness and fear that it would leave me too quickly the moment it became mine dominated my young self.
Of course, it’s not like that now. Gathering like this every year for birthdays is one of the annual events I look forward to the most. The Na family members are my real family, more precious than blood relatives.
“Have you adjusted to dorm life? I sent some side dishes through Hyeonjun a few times, but I’m not sure if they suited your taste.”
“The members really enjoyed them. Thank you always.”
“Oh, that’s a relief. If you want something specific, tell auntie. Store-bought food is too salty and sweet, right? You need something less stimulating so you’ll eat a little more, Seowoo.”
“I noticed he ate vegetables well last time.”
“Really?”
As we chatted, the plate in front of me was endlessly filled with food. First a piece of rib, then vegetables, raw fish, jeon, muchim…
“Stop.”
I tapped Jihan’s extremely busy chopsticks with mine and said.
“I’ll eat on my own, so you eat your food.”
“What do you mean ‘on your own’? Even when you’re fed, you always say you’re full and leave food. Even now, you’re taking one bite while others take three.”
Not satisfied with just putting food on my plate, he even put small cut pieces of side dishes directly into my mouth. I gave him an incredulous look but diligently chewed and swallowed what was in my mouth.
“Let’s put on some weight before the first regular album. You won’t be wearing shorts like this time, and the uniform fit won’t be so tight on your body, so it’s okay. You need to eat to build muscle through exercise.”
The topic naturally shifted to health. There was talk about recent health checkup results showing slightly low anemia levels and stomach inflammation.
Jihan knew the checkup results I had heard once and forgotten in complete detail. He was so specific and accurate that I suspected he had the result sheet in his hand.
“Anyone watching would think you’re his manager. You really become a different person when it comes to Seowoo.”
Despite Na Jia’s teasing gestures, Jihan maintained an attitude of indifference and put a small cut piece of peach in my mouth. Perhaps because it was in season, the flesh was sweet and soft.
“You eat this well. Let’s take some peaches too.”
“Let’s leave them for auntie to eat, and we can get our own separately…”
“I bought plenty knowing Jihan would be like this. It’s fine.”
“Oh my.”
Na Jia shook her head.
“Honey, look at that. Aren’t they excessive? Year after year, it only gets worse, never better.”
“They’re lifelong friends, he says. He’s taking care of his brother-in-law just like you take care of Jihan.”
“I don’t take care of him in such a cringeworthy way. Sometimes they seem even more intense than us. Are you two dating?”
Na Jia added with a bright laugh.
“If Seowoo’s marriage prospects are blocked, it’s definitely Na Jihan’s fault.”
“If marriage prospects could be blocked by this, they should have been blocked long ago.”
Jihan replied dryly as he wiped fruit juice from the corner of my mouth with his thumb.
“I can’t accept anyone who treats him worse than I do. That’s why I’ve decided to take responsibility if Yoon Seowoo can’t date.”
Na Hyeonjun smiled playfully and said to Na Jia.
“That’s why the company CEO suggested they stick together. It wasn’t a suggestion made for no reason.”
“Stick together? What? Did they say to date? The company CEO? In the same group?”
“No, no. Not actually dating, but pretending to date… or rather than pretending, it’s… fanservice?”
“What are you talking about…”
Na Jia, who knew nothing about the entertainment industry, opened her eyes wide. Na Hyeonjun clarified the situation for the confused Na Jia.
“Ah, I understand now. They’re pretending to be exceptionally close? Jihan and Seowoo. For show in front of others?”
“Yes.”
Na Jia tilted her head and looked at Jihan.
“But there are no cameras here, right?”
“Um…”
“Then there’s no need to pretend now, is there?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
