- Words to Regret (4)
“Hyung, you’re too soft for your own good.”
Hapil Jae said to me as I was lying listlessly.
“I keep telling you, it’s not such a terrible mistake that you need to worry this much. Look, Seowoo hyung. Jihan hyung’s birthday is tomorrow, right? And we’re going back to Seoul tomorrow.”
“…”
“August 26th doesn’t end at the stroke of midnight; it continues for 24 hours until the next day. You can go back within that time, wish him happy birthday, and give him his present, can’t you?”
I didn’t answer. Everything he said was completely right, so I had nothing to refute.
“It’s not like he’ll die if you’re not by his side when the clock strikes midnight!”
“I know…”
I mumbled with my face buried in the pillow.
“I just regret doing something I don’t normally do.”
Looking back, that’s how it was. Thinking about it now, I wondered if it was really worth getting so angry over. It was something we could have resolved well enough, but our childish bickering had piled up and led to this.
I’d stood on my pride and stubbornness, only to miss what was truly important. An argument is just an argument, while birthdays only come once a year.
“You’ve been busy.”
At Hapil Jae’s slightly softer voice, I turned my head slightly.
“There’s been a lot of work, and it’s been a sensitive time. Especially for you, more than any of us. You’ve had almost no room to breathe.”
I couldn’t help but smile at his comment that he’d been worried because I rarely complained about feeling unwell.
“I’m not the only busy one, how can you say that? And saying I have no room to breathe is just an excuse.”
“That might be true… but your case is different, Seowoo hyung. Honestly, you should get angry at least that much. Jihan hyung acts so unreasonable because you accept all his demands. I wonder how many times he’s called, even though he knows perfectly well we’re just having fun.”
“Jihan called you?”
He flopped down next to me and snickered.
“About five times? Of course, I ignored them all.”
“…”
“Let Na Jihan in Seoul stew a bit. I admit he knows more about Seowoo hyung than you know about yourself, but knowing someone well and acting however you want are two different things.”
Hapil Jae poked my side with his elbow and continued.
“And honestly, after having fun, we can’t go back right away, can we?”
I couldn’t answer. Like his previous statements, this question also contained an irrefutable truth.
The festival I attended for the first time was much more enjoyable than I had vaguely expected. It was hot, noisy, and crowded, but it was also filled with vibrant, lively energy.
At first, I just followed Hapil Jae around aimlessly, but that changed midway through. Later, I even grabbed him to ask questions whenever I was curious about something.
After spending a chaotic day and returning to our accommodation, my energy completely drained. I was so tired that I just wanted to sleep for ten hours straight.
“You might feel like passing out right now, but you can’t. Eat dinner first, then sleep.”
Hapil Jae gently shook my body. I made a groaning sound to express my annoyance, but he did his best to prevent me from sleeping.
“The Days sunbaenims are supposed to come, so we have no choice.”
“If it’s going to be like this, I want to go home. I’m an indoor person.”
“You were so energetic earlier, but now you’re all sullen again.”
“I used up my social energy quota for the day.”
“Is there a fixed amount?”
“There’s a delicate world of true introverts that extroverts like you wouldn’t understand.”
“Then try to draw on tomorrow’s quota too. Come on? The sunbaenims should be coming to get us soon.”
No sooner had he finished speaking than the doorbell rang. Hapil Jae practically lifted me up.
“Let’s go!”
I should have just gone back to Seoul right after the festival ended. I don’t know why my stubbornness had to complicate things so much.
I sighed deeply and trudged after Hapil Jae.
It seemed like I would need to draw on my social energy quota for the next week.
* * *
I should probably call him first.
There were quite a few knots to untie. Quite a lot had gotten tangled up during our bickering. The awkward passage of time even made going back through past events feel strange.
Of course, that didn’t mean I could just let things fizzle out. Above all, it would be Na Jihan’s birthday in 10 minutes.
Let’s not put it off any longer. After making this resolution, I took a deep breath and firmly pressed Na Jihan’s name that appeared on my phone screen.
Jihan answered before the dial tone could even ring properly once.
“Hello.”
His voice sounded strangely gruff, yet also unable to hide his excitement. It seemed he had been eagerly waiting for my call.
“Now you remember me?”
It was strange. I was going through all this trouble because Na Jihan’s spiteful behavior was so annoying, but just because his voice sounded somewhat sad, my childish anger seemed to melt away.
When I remained silent, Jihan spoke after a brief pause.
“I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“For making judgments on my own because I thought I knew you well. For interrogating you without properly listening to what you had to say or considering your position. For presuming your choices based on my own feelings.”
The last part probably referred to the cake incident.
“Can I make just one excuse?”
“Go ahead.”
“I wasn’t treating you like a child.”
It was a puzzling statement. I still felt like I had been treated that way. If he wasn’t seeing me as a child, why did he treat the 10-year-old Yoon Seowoo and the 22-year-old Yoon Seowoo the same way?
Jihan’s quiet voice continued.
“I did it because I cherish you.”
“…”
“You always believe that other people will be as kind as you are. No matter who it is, you try to see the good in them first, and you try your best to be good to them in any situation.”
Isn’t that how most people live? That’s what I thought as I listened to him.
“But the world isn’t as good a place as you think it is. So there are often people who take advantage of your kindness or misunderstand it. I hated seeing you being swayed by such people.”
“So, because I’m not a child…”
“Even though you’re not a child, you’re still kind.”
Strangely, Jihan sounded like he was sulking.
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s not that I disapprove. I just hated seeing you being good to people who don’t deserve it.”
That’s a bit different. Jihan added emphatically.
“It’s not that I didn’t trust you, but that I didn’t trust those people…”
“…”
“I didn’t think you were lacking; I just cherished you too much.”
“Jihan.”
“Still, I’m sorry.”
It was a moment when the small resentment that had built up in my heart melted away like snow.
“I won’t take out my frustration on sunbaenim or his gift anymore. But in return…”
“In return?”
“Don’t be as good to other people as you are to me.”
That request to be a little less kind to others, to not see only the good in everyone, sounded exactly like a plea to like him the most.
“You can get angry, you can get irritated… all that is fine, but don’t leave like this.”
In the end, I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. I couldn’t stay angry even if I tried.
“Jihan. Go to my room.”
After a moment, he said.
“I’m here.”
“I left a present on the desk before I left. Do you see the box?”
“…I see it.”
The rustling sound continued for quite a while.
Though I couldn’t see him, I could clearly imagine what Na Jihan was doing right now. He would have the phone wedged between his cheek and shoulder, his head tilted to the side, while his large hands busily unwrapped the birthday gift I had left behind.
When he untied the dark green ribbon—his favorite color—and opened the box, he would discover the items I had carefully packed inside.
“It’s a terrarium.”
“You like taking care of things.”
Na Jihan liked keeping things nearby to look after and observe. He would even insist on taking his childhood dog for walks himself.
Given the nature of dorm life, keeping pets would be difficult, but I thought a small plant might be okay.
“It says it’s a cypress terrarium.”
“It’s pretty.”
Jihan exclaimed softly.
“It looks like Yoon Seowoo.”
I had no idea how a person could resemble moss, but it was his habit to insist that anything pretty resembled me, so I decided to let it go.
“The thing underneath is a department store gift card, so you can buy whatever you want with it.”
“What’s this? A frame?”
“They were selling cypress frames at the terrarium shop, so I bought one. Open it.”
I had already inserted photos. In the left side of the double-opening frame, I had placed a family photo of Jihan, and on the right side, a photo of Jihan and me standing side by side.
I moved the phone away from my cheek slightly and checked the time. It was exactly midnight.
“Happy birthday, Na Jihan.”
He didn’t answer right away. I checked my screen again. The call was still connected.
It was strange that there wasn’t even a rustling sound, so I called out to him cautiously.
“Jihan?”
“…Yeah.”
“I said happy birthday. Didn’t you hear me?”
“I heard you.”
“Then why didn’t you answer? What are you thinking about so hard?”
“I’m wondering if it’s too late to go to Busan right now.”
Jihan’s low voice tickled my ear.
“I miss you.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
