- Words to Regret (3)
“Don’t need it?”
“That.”
Na Jihan nodded toward the Dorothynavarro.
“You can throw it away now, right? I gave it to you.”
After staring blankly at him for a moment at this absurd logic, I frowned.
“That and this are different.”
“How are they different?”
“What could possibly be the same?”
“Flowers are just flowers.”
But unlike me who thought that way, Jihan seemed to have an issue with the flowers, and the fact that I was keeping them instead of throwing them away.
“You… don’t tell me you still think Bae Dojin sunbae likes me?”
Jihan didn’t answer right away. A silent affirmation.
I couldn’t understand. I’d already left ‘Bae Dojin’s Moonlit Night.’ Though we still contact each other personally, it’s not that frequent. He suggested we become close hyung and dongsaeng, but given my personality that takes time to warm up to people, his wish wasn’t going to be fulfilled instantly.
Besides occasional encounters at the company building, we hardly have any points of contact. I even declared I wouldn’t like anyone.
Yet for him to still say this…
“It’s not that I don’t trust you.”
Jihan said, as if making an excuse.
“It’s that I don’t trust him.”
“No.”
I cut off his words firmly.
“You don’t trust me.”
“…”
“You think I don’t know how to reject other people’s feelings, that I’ll be swayed to do whatever they want. You believe that if something happens, I won’t be able to handle it on my own and will have no choice but to seek your help.”
It had actually been like that before. When I was a naive kid with a soft heart and body. When I lost my mother and suffered countless hardships being tossed around between relatives—Jihan had witnessed it all from the closest position.
But.
“Don’t say you weren’t trying to treat me like a child.”
I was ten years old then, and now I’m twenty-two. It would be a lie to say I’m completely steady and capable in everything, but still.
“You don’t think at all that I’ve improved. You still see me exactly as I was when I was ten.”
I glanced at the pink bouquet of roses beside me. I was so happy when I received it, but now, perhaps due to the cold disappointment, that joy wasn’t fully felt.
“…It was a gift with an agenda.”
“That’s not why I bought it.”
Jihan responded in an irritated voice.
“I just made that up. Why are you saying that?”
“If giving it was enough, you wouldn’t have. But you gave me this hoping I would throw away those flowers. Right?”
Jihan, who had been opening and closing his mouth, suddenly twisted his face.
“They’re separate issues. Giving flowers is just that, and even if I hadn’t bought you this… I still would have thought it would be nice if you threw them away.”
Suddenly, I wanted to grab him and demand answers. Why is he jealous when he doesn’t even like me? Is he actually worried I might like Bae Dojin? Is it not that he’d find it convenient if I liked him, but that he actually wants me to like him?
I couldn’t bring myself to spit out those questions that filled not only my insides but also clogged my throat. I didn’t want to destroy our relationship with a few explosive words.
“Then give me that. You already have the flowers Bae Dojin gave you anyway.”
“…Are you sulking right now?”
“Why? Do I need your permission to sulk now too? Is this also an emotion that came from not trusting you?”
“Na Jihan!”
As the argument dragged on, Hapil Jae came trudging down from the second floor. His hair was disheveled, as if he’d been dozing off.
“I was wondering why it was so noisy downstairs, and it’s because Seowoo hyung is here. But why are you two… And what’s with these flowers?”
Jihan pouted and said, “It’s nothing. I’m going to throw it away.”
“Why are you throwing away a gift I received!”
“Why? Then should I make a bookmark with what I gave you too? Press it alongside what Bae Dojin gave you? I have no intention of sharing a table with that guy.”
The childish back-and-forth finally caught fire. Failing to calm my boiling insides, I turned sharply to Hapil Jae.
“Let’s go.”
“Huh?”
Hapil Jae tilted his head.
“Where? Now? With me? Suddenly?”
“Let’s go, to that festival you mentioned.”
Jihan crossed his arms and raised his eyebrow crookedly, as if daring me to go further. Provoked by his attitude, I made a bold move to show him.
“You’re right. He and I are unnecessarily close. We need some distance. Don’t you think?”
So stop being jealous when you don’t even like me.
Just as the members said, the boundaries between us are too blurred. It’s too natural for Jihan’s world to be filled with Yoon Seowoo, and it’s all too obvious that Jihan is everything to Yoon Seowoo. That’s why it feels so dramatic when someone else tries to come between us.
“Fine. Go ahead, Yoon Seowoo.”
I laughed mockingly and glared at him with a pointed gaze. Think I can’t do it? My eyes were full of that sentiment.
“It’s a kindness offered by Bae Dojin sunbaenim, it would be rude for a close junior not to go.”
“…”
“You said there’s a hotel booked, right? Let’s stay overnight then. Hyeonjun hyung deserves some rest time too.”
“Whaaaat?”
Hapil Jae looked back and forth between me and Jihan, then waved his hand in front of my face.
“Seowoo hyung, is this really okay? Even though you two fought… Jihan hyung’s face doesn’t look like it’s giving permission?”
“Why? Do I need Jihan’s permission to go have fun? At twenty-two years old?”
“Well, that’s true, but…”
Hapil Jae, who had been reading the atmosphere, sighed deeply.
“Since we decided to go with what Seowoo hyung wants, let’s do that. But if you regret it later, don’t blame me.”
I spoke rather boldly.
“I won’t regret it.”
* * *
For someone who said that, it was a continuous series of regrets.
That Friday, I finally got in the car heading to Busan. After the decision was made, Jihan maintained a sullen attitude and wouldn’t even speak to me.
A relationship that missed the timing for reconciliation quickly became awkward. With no chance of camera exposure, we had no excuse to pretend to be on good terms, and we were still engaged in a childish battle of pride.
The problem was me. I belatedly realized that Jihan’s birthday fell during the Busan trip I had decided on in the heat of the moment. And since the hotel reservation information had already reached Bae Dojin, it felt awkward to cancel now saying I wanted to celebrate Jihan’s birthday.
“Aish.”
Seeing my somewhat dejected face, Na Hyeonjun clicked his tongue.
“I can understand Jihan being immature, but you too?”
“…”
“What now? Should I turn the car around?”
“No. We have to go to Busan. I’ve already said I would…”
But maybe it would be okay to say something came up and come back early? Driving back and forth would be tough, but if Hyeonjun could endure the trouble for just one day, it seemed doable. Above all, since he knew our situation, he would probably understand.
So I was about to say let’s move up the schedule, I should return to the dorm today, when:
“Then should I pick up your cake tomorrow?”
I asked back in confusion.
“What do you mean? I told you to postpone it. Did you not change the reservation?”
“Well, about that.”
Being a popular shop, they normally required reservations two weeks in advance, and date changes were difficult. But since Jihan and I had been regular customers for 10 years, the owner would sometimes accommodate us.
That’s why I had asked Hyeonjun to postpone the cake pickup by one day, but…
“I apologized to the owner and reserved both days. I ordered two cakes so you could use one, and the agency staff and I could share the other.”
I was about to ask why he made such an inconvenient reservation when:
“Jihan asked if it might be better not to change the cake reservation. He said you would definitely cancel your overnight stay and come back. But I felt bad not listening to you, and you never know how things will turn out.”
“…”
“Since he’s not even going to his family home this time, if there’s no cake, you’d feel bad…”
“Huh.”
He didn’t apologize and ask me to come back early, but instead said Yoon Seowoo would obviously do that, so don’t change the reservation?
‘That annoying kid.’
Hapil Jae, who glimpsed my expression, said to Hyeonjun:
“Seems like losing points by doing unnecessary things runs in the Na family.”
“…”
“Please tell him not to take it too hard. We may not be able to celebrate at midnight, but we’ll be back before his birthday is over, right?”
Hyeonjun replied with a voice mixed with a sigh.
“…Sorry.”
That was the moment the Busan trip extended to include an overnight stay.
Even though I knew full well I would regret it.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
