- Words to Regret (1)
“…What?”
I blurted it out, but once the words left my mouth, embarrassment started washing over me.
If there was any consolation, it was that Jihan seemed momentarily flustered by my uncharacteristic statement.
“Yoon Seowoo, what did you just say…?”
“I can’t always be by your side only. Right?”
Don’t stutter. If you hesitate, you lose. This has to be completely natural.
The problem was that my actual personality was quite distant from being slick. At best, I was awkwardly imitating what I’d seen Hapil Jae do.
“To me, to me…”
Of course, it seemed like I’d failed.
“Don’t be so obsess—”
“Pfft.”
“Don’t laugh, Hapil Jae.”
“If you drop one syllable from my name and call me affectionately, I might consider it.”
“…”
“Pfft, ha, ahaha, haha, bwahaha!”
“You said you’d consider it!”
Hapil Jae was laughing so hard he was almost crying. Even when Joo Lee Seon patted his back hard enough to make a thudding sound while pretending to encourage him, it was no use.
“Ah. After seeing Jihan hyung make problematic statements a hundred times, we finally get to see Seowoo hyung make a bombshell declaration once. That was entertaining. But it doesn’t suit you, so don’t do it again, okay? Your innocence is your charm.”
“You, really…”
After glaring at Hapil Jae briefly, I turned to Jihan.
“Anyway, since you’d handle it well, I just went for a quick walk. It’s been a while since we’ve been here, so I thought I’d look around.”
Barely listening to my explanation that I hadn’t gone far, Jihan responded.
“What’s that in your hand? Who gave it to you?”
“Oh.”
I was still holding the Polaroid photo I’d received earlier. It was just an ordinary, common commemorative photo, nothing I couldn’t show, but somehow I felt petty.
‘He’s going to nag again.’
I was really tired of hearing questions like who I met or comments about being careless on my own.
“It’s nothing special.”
“Making secrets again…”
“I can’t just live in the palm of your hand.”
“Why not? No one’s as good to you as I am. Don’t you like me best?”
“That’s… never mind. If you’re done filming, hurry and pack up. I’ll wait in the van first.”
I quickly ran away, afraid he might try to stop me. It was only natural that I didn’t answer when I heard my name called from behind.
Thankfully, my reddened face wasn’t captured on camera.
How could I still like someone so annoying this much? Unrequited love was undoubtedly the most irrational emotion in the world.
* * *
“So, what was that earlier?”
As soon as Jihan got in the van, he started interrogating me. His furrowed brows were filled with determination not to back down.
Unfortunately, the car had already departed, so I had nowhere to escape. The problematic Polaroid photo was still in my hand, with the developed parts stuck together.
“Did someone give it to you? Who did you meet while wandering around without me? After getting burned so many times by accepting things from strangers…”
“It’s just a photo!”
I finally snapped. Ahn Haesol gave a slightly awkward smile, but probably assuming it was our usual bickering, he didn’t intervene.
“It’s a Polaroid photo. I met some foreign tourists, took pictures for them, and received this as a souvenir. Satisfied now?”
“…”
“I’m not an idiot, you know? I’ve been burned enough to know I need to be careful. But not everyone in the world knows Arcus. Those people didn’t even know I was an idol.”
“Really? Then show me.”
“…Huh?”
“You said it’s a souvenir. Let me see too, how pretty your face looks in it.”
I reflexively looked around. Naturally, there were no filming cameras in sight.
Didn’t we just have a fight that we haven’t even made up from yet? Why is he suddenly acting like this?
If I had to choose between liking it and not liking it, I obviously liked it, but still…
“…”
I finally surrendered the photo. With both hands, respectfully.
Jihan smirked as he waved one of the photos.
“You’re wearing the couple gat.”
“There’s no camera, Jihan.”
“This isn’t business, it’s sincere.”
He nodded casually.
“It’s definitely better you didn’t wear it during filming. You look like a little bridegroom in this.”
“What are you talking about.”
“These people must be tourists? The skirt on the person next to you is so colorful. Anyone would think they ripped off a roof and wrapped it—”
It was around then that Jihan’s cheerful voice suddenly stopped as he looked at the next photo.
“Yoon Seowoo. What is this?”
“What do you mean? That’s also a commemorative photo.”
In truth, I hadn’t properly looked at the photos while waiting for them to develop, as my interest had waned. After confirming they printed properly, I’d just been carrying them around.
When I glimpsed his very strange expression, I wondered what was wrong and took back the photo to look at it…
“If they didn’t recognize you as an Arcus member, then what’s this?”
While everyone was smiling brightly at the camera, just one person was looking to the side. It was the tall man who had asked if I had a social media account.
Jihan asked pointedly.
“Is this guy also just being friendly?”
“…”
“What’s the point of you not liking anyone? Clueless people won’t leave you alone. From their perspective, you don’t even realize they like you, let alone reject them…”
“So you’d rather I like you instead?”
There was a sound of heads turning sharply. The other members who had been sitting quietly looked at us in surprise.
This was very personal content, and not particularly good behavior, so I didn’t want to show it to others if possible.
But the roads were jammed with rush hour traffic, my anger was flaring up, and I didn’t have the patience to wait until we got out of the van. That was all.
“Because I’m so clueless, because you think I don’t even notice when others are attracted to me and hovering around. You want me to like you, and for that reason, you want to control me more? To simultaneously treat them as nuisances and chase them away for me?”
“…”
“Do you really think I’m an idiot?”
What’s the point of being nice and taking care of me when you fundamentally treat me as someone who needs looking after?
It’s not that I dislike being treated well. I know I’m naive about the ways of the world and lack finesse. More often than not, I was grateful for Jihan’s fussing, wanting to give me a little extra care, hoping I wouldn’t lose out on anything.
But at some point, I wanted him to trust me. To know that I don’t repeat the same mistakes, that I’m growing, and that I can walk alongside him as a friend, not as a much younger brother.
As much as I have my clumsy parts, I also have my strengths. I’ve been working hard to fill in what I don’t know. I have my own thoughts too.
“Before you two heat up any more, let me jump in and pour some cold water on this.”
Hapil Jae, who was sitting in front of me, turned around and said.
“When I went looking for Seowoo hyung earlier, he was talking with the foreign tourists. And yes, one of them did have feelings for him.”
“See? That’s what I—”
“But hyung rejected him.”
Jihan’s lips pressed tightly together.
“He rejected him firmly, and the person sincerely apologized. If Seowoo hyung had known it was a move, he would have avoided it from the start.”
“…”
“Seeing him with other people, I can understand why Jihan hyung has been so protective his whole life. I mean, with that face, it would be strange if he wasn’t popular.”
“Right? So you see why I had to—”
“But still, ‘you should like me instead’? If I were Seowoo hyung, I would have hit you at least three times. What kind of thing is that to say between friends? Right, Seowoo hyung?”
Jihan looked puzzled at the implication that Seowoo hyung was kind enough to let it slide.
“That made you feel bad?”
“Of course. Even though he’s an adult who can take care of himself, you treated him completely like a child, and treated emotions like tools that can be detached from one place and attached to another. Even if Seowoo hyung really did like Jihan hyung, that’s still wrong. In that case, you should be even more sorry.”
I looked at Hapil Jae with a slightly bewildered expression. I hadn’t expected him to so clearly organize the hurt feelings I had experienced.
Jihan looked at me and remained silent for a while. He seemed to want to confirm if what Hapil Jae said was true, and also seemed to need time to fully understand his words.
“You’re right. I didn’t say that because I didn’t trust you. And I definitely wasn’t trying to treat you like a child…”
I responded quietly.
“I’m not just being unreasonably sulky.”
“…I’m sorry.”
As the atmosphere eased a bit, the other members spoke up.
“From my perspective, I think this problem occurs because you two have no sense of boundaries.”
“I agree with Haesol hyung’s opinion.”
“Add my vote too. Especially Jihan hyung. You’re the main problem, you know? At first glance, it seems like Seowoo hyung would be lost without Jihan hyung, but it’s actually the complete opposite. It’s not like separation anxiety or something, but you try to stick together at every moment. Seowoo hyung is exactly right. A controlling guy has no charm.”
“No, that’s not…”
I was just joking! Because the camera was on!
Cutting off my attempted explanation, Hapil Jae’s question abruptly interjected.
“So, shall we ditch Jihan hyung and go get some fresh air?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
