#65. Size or Direction (5)
For a moment, it felt like my mind had stopped.
What did I just hear? Is that the meaning I’m thinking of? Do you know how this sounds when you say it? It felt like the thoughts that had instantly multiplied couldn’t find their place and were rolling around creakily.
What was really ridiculous was that for just a brief moment, those words sounded happy to me. Because they sounded like “I want you to like me.” Because it felt like “I wish you would like me.”
But.
“Then troublesome problems wouldn’t arise.”
At his words spoken with a click of his tongue, I froze solid. It felt like ice-cold water was pouring over my head.
“Why… wouldn’t problems arise?”
In that short time, a voice that sounded squeezed came from my tightly constricted throat.
Unlike my insides that had become tangled in an instant, Na Jihan seemed clear and coolly organized. His relieved expression as if he had found the perfect answer was proof of that.
“Then it would be convenient to control you, wouldn’t it? In many ways.”
I didn’t need to ask if he was being serious. Na Jihan’s expression looked serious to the point of being grave. It meant it wasn’t empty words or a joke.
“Are my feelings just something to be managed to you? Monitoring so they don’t go astray… something like that?”
I couldn’t understand Na Jihan treating emotions as if they were just tools to be used, kept in hand and controlled.
Of course, Na Jihan seemed equally unable to understand me like this. Frowning deeply, he spoke to me as if scolding.
“Then what should I say? Should I tell you to go grab any random person you’re attracted to and play with fire? Get a grip, Yoon Seowoo. You’re an idol.”
“I know. Who doesn’t? I don’t plan to ruin my life like that either. But that’s completely different from liking you.”
“Even if it’s different, this way is more convenient and efficient.”
Why does Na Jihan’s nonchalant voice sound so cold and hateful today?
“Yoon Seowoo. Romance is originally a mess. Why do you think they say love is war? You especially don’t know much about the world and get easily fooled by people. Rather than getting entangled with some weird guy and getting into trouble, staying by my side is much safer.”
“So you’re telling me to like you?”
“I’ll always be by your side. And I won’t do anything bad to you.”
It was a strange feeling. What should I call this emotion? I felt like I wouldn’t be able to find an answer to explain it anywhere in all the countless books I had read.
The elegant word I chose after a long time was disappointment.
“……Are you done talking?”
Na Jihan’s words sounded reasonable and right at first glance. Even if I met other people, I’d only experience a lot of heartburn and be disgusted by the emptiness of relationships. In that sense, he who remained kind and natural above all others had to be my best option.
That’s why I liked you, and only liked you.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to hear words like this. It was miserable to receive affection handed over like charity, saying this was better than coming back after causing trouble. The feeling that I liked you because you were you, not because it was convenient, surged up to my throat.
“I don’t like Bae Dojin sunbae.”
I quickly continued before he could open his mouth.
“Same with other people. Whether they’re men or women, seniors or juniors, it doesn’t matter. I have no intention of liking anyone, and even if someone likes me, I have no intention of dating. Not at all.”
“……”
“So don’t act like my feelings are some burden you have to take responsibility for.”
A long silence followed. Na Jihan looked at me with a still displeased expression for a long time, then roughly ran his hand through his hair.
“I find it frustrating whenever you’re like this. I really don’t understand the reason.”
I’m frustrating? Why? What I said about not liking anyone wasn’t a lie. Na Jihan should know that.
“What’s there not to understand? I just explained everything.”
“I still don’t get it. I’m still frustrated.”
“So that’s why you acted like that toward Bae Dojin sunbae?”
“That’s separate. How could I just let it slide when he was making moves on you?”
“That’s not what it was, and even if it were, it wouldn’t matter……”
“How wouldn’t it matter?”
The conversation seemed to progress but kept going in circles.
The one who shouldn’t understand the reason wasn’t Na Jihan, but me. What was the reason for wanting to control me this much when he didn’t even like me? Because we’ve been friends since birth?
Because we’ve always been together and will always be together, so if necessary, we could even date?
What exactly is love to you?
“Does it upset you that I said it would be better to date me than cause problems?”
“Of course……”
What had been precariously rising suddenly overflowed.
“Of course it’s upsetting, isn’t it?”
My feelings for you aren’t a second choice or a backup plan. They weren’t a decision or a plan.
I had been keeping those feelings to myself all this time because I didn’t want to receive that kind of love. I was angry because instead of understanding that heart, it felt like you were only making it shameful.
I, who had been fidgeting with the bouquet, finally opened the door. As soon as the click sounded, Na Jihan’s sharp voice flew in.
“Where are you going, Yoon Seowoo?”
“I don’t want to fight with you. I’ll take a taxi, so let’s go back separately.”
“We’re not done talking yet.”
“I’m done.”
Looking down at Na Jihan who was looking up at me with an incredulous expression, I said.
“If I talk with you now, I think I’ll just get angrier.”
Anger is a futile emotion. You feel like you have to pour it out immediately, but once you actually vomit it out, it’s not that refreshing. Instead, only uncomfortable regret follows, as if you’ve tormented someone with your own shame. At least that’s how it was for me.
“So you’re going to leave me here now?”
“……”
“Yoon Seowoo!”
Instead of answering, I slammed the door shut.
Surprisingly, whether Na Jihan took my attitude seriously or he was also angry, I couldn’t tell.
After taking a taxi and arriving at the dorm first, I went up to the second floor and locked my room door. Then I pulled the blanket over my head and fell asleep.
It was the beginning of a prolonged and childish fight.
* * *
The cold war between Na Jihan and me lasted surprisingly long. It was quite an unusual situation compared to our usual pattern of rarely having big fights and making up within a day even when we did fight.
The perceptive members noticed our discord from the day we came in separately. However, because neither of us seemed willing to explain what had happened, they seemed to be leaving us alone for now. It was very appreciated.
“I’d like to wait longer if I could.”
Ahn Haesol said while serving me freshly made pasta.
“But you can’t be this awkward in front of cameras, Seowoo. You know that, right?”
“Yes, hyung. I’m sorry for making you worry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry to me, so it’s fine.”
As he said, today was the day for filming original content. It was one of the plans Hapil Jae had been eager about – wearing hanbok, going to an ancient palace, and performing an acoustic version of this time’s title track ‘Hitchhiking.’
Since they planned to film not only the live performance but also behind-the-scenes videos to upload, it was natural that the members’ relationships shouldn’t appear awkward.
“I vote that Jihan hyung caused this. There must be a good reason for gentle Seowoo hyung to be sulking.”
Hapil Jae settled down in the seat next to me and chimed in.
“Maybe he nagged so much that he got sick of it. That hyung doesn’t do that to us but only picks on Seowoo hyung like that. Isn’t that right, hyung?”
“Mmm……”
Then Na Jihan, who had just finished washing up, said bluntly.
“I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s just sulking on his own.”
I didn’t think Na Jihan had done anything terribly wrong, but I didn’t want to agree with those words. Most importantly, Na Jihan had made the mistake and misspoken first. Yet he was making it seem like only I was being a childish kid, which was absurd.
I poked at the olive pieces in my pasta with my fork and retorted.
“Right, you’re so great. So great that you have no respect for anyone?”
Last night, I brought up again that he should apologize directly to Bae Dojin, but was refused. What he said then was truly outrageous. That he would act the same way if the same situation came up again? The rather shameless remark that when you think about it, wasn’t the side making a fuss while preparing bouquets stranger and more excessive was a bonus.
‘I guess what he gave wasn’t flowers then.’
Bae Dojin had subtly called him over to give it privately, but he had given gifts conspicuously in front of everyone.
Fortunately, Bae Dojin had passed it off as nothing, so it stayed quiet, but it could have easily led to attitude controversies. But no matter how much I tried to talk to him, Na Jihan’s attitude remained shameless.
‘That idiot.’
Hapil Jae, who had been nagging me to eat more when I sulked again, suddenly turned his head and asked Na Jihan.
“Hyung. Do you like Seowoo hyung?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
