#62. Size or Direction (2)
“What did you say?”
The words were so absurd that I lost even the will to argue back.
I stared at Na Jihan blankly, then grabbed and stretched his lips. Not playfully like before, but with a bit more force.
“Mmph. What? Why are you pinching me?”
“Because you keep saying things that deserve pinching.”
Liking me? What liking? Bae Dojin likes me?
“You know I hate these kinds of jokes, so why are you doing this?”
This wasn’t the first time Na Jihan had said something like this. There had been similar situations several times when we were in the same high school.
Just like now, when he was all worked up and I’d ask what was wrong, that’s all he would say. Things like “I think he likes you” or “He said he likes you.”
To my ears, it sounded just as ridiculous then as it does now.
“It’s not a joke.”
This time too, Na Jihan started stubbornly insisting.
“Do you think I haven’t seen this situation once or twice? Now I can roughly estimate just by looking at the way someone looks at you.”
“It’s not funny.”
“Hey, I wish it was just unfunny rather than true.”
Na Jihan answered while gradually tightening his grip on my wrist.
“Yoon Seowoo. You see people too kindly. People don’t live as straightforwardly as you do, without ulterior motives.”
Surely I’m not so naive about the ways of the world that I wouldn’t know that much. In Na Jihan’s eyes, I must still look like a seven-year-old child.
I know that the expression “likes” that Na Jihan is talking about doesn’t mean simple goodwill. That’s exactly why it’s even stranger and more surprising. Because Bae Dojin and I aren’t that kind of relationship.
The feeling of liking someone means thinking about them, and at its root is longing. Like how I want to eternally pull Na Jihan’s existence toward me.
But Bae Dojin doesn’t try to pull me toward him. More precisely, he has no reason to pull me toward him. Isn’t he someone who has everything he needs?
However, the reason Na Jihan misunderstands like this is probably…
“Dojin sunbae is…”
“Stop saying he’s kind.”
Na Jihan cut off my words with a snort.
“He’s not being kind or nice. He’s just treating you well because he likes you.”
“You’re the one who sees people too badly, Na Jihan. Do you think everyone treats people well because they have some ulterior motive?”
“Yeah, exactly. It’s not bad, it’s reality. They’re all hovering around trying to get in your good graces. Their eyes are impure from the start, so why don’t you realize that?”
“What…”
Both of us frowned without either going first. We felt frustrated by each other’s incompatible values.
“How embarrassing do you really want to make me?”
“No, you’re the one who needs to come to your senses. If you’re really curious, just ask the person directly.”
“…Ask directly? Bae Dojin sunbae? Are you crazy?”
Na Jihan said confidently.
“You’re wrong and I’m right.”
“…”
“Actually, whether he’s nice or not, whether he’s smitten with you or not doesn’t really matter. As long as you don’t look elsewhere and stay by my side.”
His body heat seeping through my captured wrist ran tingling all the way to my fingertips. It felt like what had been pooling hotly under my nails was spreading rapidly through my blood vessels again, flowing all the way to my heart.
You have no idea what those words mean to me. The truly impure one isn’t the just-kind people around me, but my mindset that can’t accept your friendship straightforwardly and takes it however I please.
“…”
I found his possessive attitude toward me endlessly welcome, yet it was disappointing that his reason for acting this way didn’t stem from the emotions I hoped for.
My gaze, having lost its destination, landed on Na Jihan’s lips. What would it be like if my fingers were drawn into those smooth, crimson lips? Would your tongue wrapping around my fingers be as warm as the embrace that penetrates my sleep?
They say people usually close their eyes when kissing, but somehow Na Jihan doesn’t seem like he would. Without allowing even a moment’s blink, he’d probably stare at me intensely just like now…
“…I, I have to go now.”
Coming to my senses with a start, I pulled my hand away. I even hurriedly ran out without listening to his response.
If I hadn’t done that, I felt like I’d be caught immediately. My crazily beating heart, my trembling fingertips, my face flushed bright red.
And even my pathetic unrequited love floundering in front of you.
* * *
“Are you sick somewhere, Seowoo-ssi?”
Bae Dojin was already in the studio I had rushed into like I was running away. Seeing my face, he approached and reached out his hand.
“Your face is red. Don’t you have signs of a cold?”
The staff nearby also chimed in one by one.
“That’s right. Seowoo-ssi has been incredibly busy lately. It’s understandable that you’d be tired.”
“Right? You should have some breathing room now. Other people at least get some rest periods, but how does Arcus keep running without ever resting?”
“This must be a tradition. Bae Dojin-ssi is exactly like that. My wife is in the variety department, and she’s said since then. She’s never seen Dojin-ssi rest. Are you passing on your workaholic fate to your junior because you have nothing else to give?”
“Ahaha. Does it work that way?”
During all this, Bae Dojin’s hand was still pressed against my forehead. It felt slightly cooler and smoother than Na Jihan’s hand, which made me feel a bit strange.
‘Na Jihan, that bastard saying unnecessary things…’
We’ve just gotten a bit closer so he’s being kind, but hearing those words makes me keep doubting.
When I frowned deeply, the worried expression on Bae Dojin’s face grew even more pronounced. He said he had gotten something from his manager, wrapped his handkerchief around a cold beverage can, and pressed it against my cheek.
“I want to tell you to rest if you’re sick, but… it’s the last broadcast, so just endure it well for one day. Should I ask them to bring you medicine?”
“No, it’s not that serious.”
Still, having something cool touch my face did make me feel much better. I didn’t want to unnecessarily trouble the other person, so I stayed still as Bae Dojin did what he was doing.
Then, when I glanced around with my peripheral vision, I discovered something strange on all the staff members’ faces. They looked surprised, or like they doubted their eyes…
‘Isn’t this an overreaction too?’
While I was briefly contemplating, Bae Dojin, who had also looked around like me, asked the people in a light tone.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh, nothing. We were just thinking you two are really close?”
“We are close. We’re like family.”
He smiled and put his arm around my shoulder.
“We make a good picture too, don’t we?”
“He doesn’t look like it but he can be cheeky sometimes. Come on, we need to start now. You two, please take your seats.”
“Understood.”
Just before the broadcast, I heard the familiar sound of loud applause and a cheerful voice.
“Let’s do our best today too!”
As usual, Bae Dojin spoke first. Greetings, today’s theme, sponsors and prizes, how to send in stories – everything flowed naturally and smoothly like water.
Even though I’d heard these words every week, thinking this was the last time made me feel strange somehow. I fiddled with the microphone stand while staring intently at Bae Dojin.
Feeling my gaze, Bae Dojin turned his head and smiled faintly at me.
“I mentioned this once before, didn’t I? Our Monday’s little guest, Yoon Seowoo-ssi, will be with Moonlit Night only until today.”
Still with a smiling face, he slightly gestured toward the microphone in front of me. I moistened my dry lips with my tongue tip and spoke.
“Hello, Dalchin everyone.”
I had been thinking a lot about what to say all the way to the broadcasting station. But once I actually opened my mouth, all my worries evaporated and my lips moved on their own.
“Thanks to Moonlit Night, Monday was the warmest day of the week for me.”
The reason I never missed my regular guest work even when I was busy, the reason I never even thought about wanting to skip it, was clear. It was because there was a warmth in life that could only be obtained through this schedule.
“Actually, I think I was a little afraid of people while dreaming only of standing in front of the public. It’s very embarrassing to say, but I guess I lacked confidence. Would people like me, would they welcome me, would they accept me? I would always do my best, but would that effort really be persuasive?”
I took a short breath and continued.
“While doing Moonlit Night radio, I gradually began to let go of such worries. Listening to the stories of Dalchin everyone’s lives, hearing the songs you recommended, and delivering the heart I had prepared, I felt like I had gotten a little closer to people.”
Bae Dojin’s gentle voice followed.
“There were people like that too. Those who waited for Seowoo-ssi to read their stories, counting only Mondays and submitting entries. People who start their week’s mornings with songs Seowoo-ssi recommended. And the support messages that arrive from time to time.”
“That’s right. Although I couldn’t mention it each time, I received them all well and am very grateful.”
I said with a small smile.
“I think I exist thanks to that affection.”
“If you felt people’s affection and support more completely thanks to Moonlit Night and Dalchin, then Seowoo-ssi won’t worry anymore. You won’t be scared either.”
“That’s right.”
I answered with a bright smile.
“Now I’m not afraid of coming out into the world.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
