#60. Memory and Recollections (7)
“It’s okay.”
I declined with all sincerity.
“Did your manager come to pick you up?”
“No. Today he’s picking up the other members.”
“Then you’re planning to take a taxi?”
“No. At this hour there’s a night surcharge…”
“Do you like public transportation? The last train must have stopped running.”
“…No?”
Bae Dojin tilted his head and asked.
“Then wouldn’t it be best if I take you home?”
“It’s really okay.”
Before falling into another cycle of meaningless questions, I quickly answered.
“Jihan came to pick me up.”
“He’s already here? How did he know when you didn’t even contact him?”
“Uh…”
It’s not a big secret, so it should be fine to just say it. After briefly contemplating, I shrugged and answered.
“He came with me earlier. He’ll be waiting in the parking garage.”
“For 2 hours? What was he doing during that time?”
“…Listening to the radio?”
“Huh.”
Still, since someone was waiting, he didn’t insist on taking me home. I got on the elevator with him to go down to the parking garage.
When the elevator doors closed and only the two of us remained, Bae Dojin said in an admiring voice.
“This is why you like Jihan-ssi.”
Startled, I whipped around to look at him. Bae Dojin smiled and asked.
“Since when have you liked him?”
“…”
“It’s just personal curiosity, so if you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to answer. I won’t tell anyone else, so don’t worry.”
It didn’t seem like a lie. Actually, if he was going to spread rumors, he would have done so long ago, but Bae Dojin hadn’t even acknowledged knowing anything to me.
He’s someone who consistently shows goodwill, so it should be okay to trust him, right? With my feelings somewhat softened, I looked away and answered.
“I’m not sure. I just came to my senses and found myself liking him.”
I liked Na Jihan before I understood the meaning of love. So my awareness of love came about in a somewhat unusual way. I should say that I only gave a name to the feelings I had for Na Jihan after learning what love was.
“Don’t you have any intention of confessing?”
“No.”
A clear sound rang out and the elevator doors opened.
“I think it’s better to be anxious about hiding my feelings than to worry about things becoming awkward with Jihan.”
“But it might work out well if you confess?”
“Accepting a confession isn’t everything about dating.”
Even if we matched hearts and started dating, I didn’t think the worries would disappear. No, the size of the worries would actually grow. I heard that if you break up badly, you end up worse than strangers.
Na Jihan and I becoming worse than strangers. Even imagining it made me feel miserable.
“Unrequited love becomes manageable once it’s been going on for a while. I think it’s okay to continue like this for now.”
“Interesting…”
Bae Dojin, who I thought would go find his own car, followed me.
“Have you ever liked anyone else?”
“No. It was only Jihan.”
“Then how are you certain those are romantic feelings? It might not be.”
It might not be. Did I never think that myself? I tempered it with countless question marks, and the conclusion was always the same.
I didn’t love knowing it was love. I called it love because I couldn’t express it with any other word. At least that’s how my feelings for Na Jihan were.
Since it was an emotion I’d held for a long time, I thought about it sufficiently and reached my own conclusion, but I didn’t feel the need to explain that thought process to Bae Dojin.
Since he said it was personal curiosity anyway, it seemed fine to brush it off appropriately.
“You have a lot of questions for me today…”
When I changed the subject, Bae Dojin burst into a small laugh.
“That’s right. I guess it’s because I’m curious about Seowoo-ssi.”
I started looking around for Na Jihan’s car. One of the disadvantages of this broadcasting station was that the underground parking garage’s structure was unfriendly. Even though I’d come down to get cars several times, I got lost anew each time.
Bae Dojin followed behind me like a duckling.
“Why are you following me, sunbae-nim?”
“I parked nearby.”
“You don’t seem very good at lying.”
“Haha.”
He didn’t even deny it.
“I’ll just watch you get in and then leave.”
In the end, Bae Dojin followed me all the way to Na Jihan’s car. The hand that had been waving naturally toward the driver’s seat gently tousled my hair.
“Get in safely, and I’ll see you next week.”
“Yes. See you next week.”
This greeting that had felt unfamiliar at first became familiar to my ears and stuck to my tongue after doing it several times.
As expected, Bae Dojin went over to the opposite side of the parking garage. It proved once again that his claim about parking nearby was a ridiculous joke.
‘He really is interesting when you see him like this.’
Thinking that as I was about to get in the car, Na Jihan’s grumbling immediately flew my way.
“What’s that about?”
“What?”
“Why did Bae Dojin follow you?”
“Bae Dojin sunbae, not Bae Dojin. Get in the habit of calling him that or you’ll make a mistake.”
“Do you think I’m an idiot like that guy’s cousin? So why did he follow you?”
“He said he’d just watch me get in and then leave.”
“When I’m here, why is he seeing you off?”
It sounded exactly like jealousy, making my insides tickle for no reason. I cleared my throat briefly and fastened my seatbelt.
“So, did you listen to the radio while waiting?”
“Yeah. Yoon Seowoo was pretty good? You even made touching comments. You were good at hosting too, and it was more interesting than I thought so I listened without realizing how time passed. If I’d known it would be like this, I’d listen every week.”
It was high praise. My chest swelled with pride.
While I was pressing down the corners of my mouth that kept rising with my hand, Na Jihan, who glanced at my face, smiled mischievously.
“But the recommended song, that one. Did you choose it knowing I was listening?”
“I didn’t. I chose it a few days ago.”
It wasn’t an excuse. As soon as I heard that today’s theme was comfort, I thought I definitely had to recommend this song. I wanted listeners who needed comfort to share the deep emotion and warmth I felt when I heard that song.
“Dojin sunbae said he likes that singer too. He’s been a fan since he was very young.”
“There was no such talk on the radio.”
Na Jihan’s voice, which had brightened momentarily, became gloomy again. It seemed like his petulance was sprouting sharp spikes.
“There wouldn’t be since we turned off the mic. It was a conversation after the broadcast ended.”
“If the program ended, you should come down promptly. Why are you chatting with some random person?”
“Then I shouldn’t make small talk with industry seniors?”
After thinking briefly, I added.
“Dojin sunbae is kind. He always takes care of this and that… Oh, Days is appearing as a headliner at the Busan Festival this time. In August.”
“The one Hapil liked?”
“Yeah. He’s giving me invitation tickets.”
“He’ll be happy. He was chirping about wanting to go so much, so his wish is coming true.”
He paused while turning the steering wheel and looked back.
“Don’t tell me you have to go too?”
“He seemed to want me to come if I could…”
“That week is your birthday.”
“Oh.”
Then I can’t go. I was curious and thought about going if the schedule worked out, but it wasn’t important enough to skip Na Jihan’s birthday for.
“Then let’s just send Hapil and I’ll stay with you. You’re going to your family home, right?”
“Going twice is a bit much, let’s go for your birthday. Your birthday is on a weekend so that’s better. Noona and her husband can only move on weekends too.”
After my mother passed away, my birthday was always taken care of by Na Jihan’s family. The seaweed soup in the morning and the birthday cake cut in the evening never missed.
While making all that fuss on my actual birthday, Na Jihan’s birthday, which was four days earlier, would often pass quietly. I suggested we take turns celebrating each year, but Na Jihan always refused curtly with the same words.
‘The day you were born is more important to me.’
Instead, the suggestion that he spend his birthday with just the two of us somehow sounded good to hear, so I would pretend to give in and monopolize that guy’s birthday.
“I’m wondering what to do for this year’s birthday. Is there anything you want?”
Na Jihan’s voice asking that had brightened again. The reason for his emotional ups and downs was so clear that it made me laugh.
“If there is, you’ll buy it for me? What if it’s really expensive?”
“When the great Yoon Seowoo is showing desire first, is the price important now? I’d have to go up there and pluck a star or something.”
“Don’t say impossible things.”
“So what is it? The thing you want.”
When I couldn’t answer right away, he seemed to think it was just something he said casually and laughed briefly.
Na Jihan stroked my hair with his rough touch and said.
“It’s homework. Think about it within three months. It can be expensive or hard to find, but I want to give it to you not too late, so it would be better if you tell me as soon as possible.”
“Okay.”
I glossed over it appropriately, but actually it was a question with a predetermined answer. At the same time, it was also a question I couldn’t answer. To the point where I thought it would be better if it were an expensive and hard-to-find object.
What I want is you, Na Jihan.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
