#58. Memory and Recollections (5)
Na Jihan looked at my face and then at the phone in my hand in turn. Soon his eyes narrowed and took on a displeased expression. It was a look that meant what’s the point of constantly monitoring when it just makes you worry about others’ opinions.
When I pretended not to notice and avoided his eyes, Na Jihan sighed.
“Hyeonjun hyung is here. Let’s eat dinner.”
I checked the time and was briefly caught in contemplation. The timing was awkward.
The remaining schedule was to move to the broadcasting station after a late dinner. The distance from the company building to the broadcasting station was considerable, and since we had to cross through the city center, sometimes traffic would get backed up. I was worried that if we finished eating here and then moved, we might arrive just barely on time.
Seeing me hesitate, Na Jihan suddenly reached out his hand. He wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me up, then looked toward where the members were.
“Hyeonjun hyung. Do you have any lunch boxes set aside separately?”
“I made porridge separately for Seowoo. He seemed to have no appetite.”
“That’s good. I’ll take that.”
Na Jihan, who had grabbed the thermos lunch box, took my hand.
“Let’s go. I’ll take you there. You can eat in the car.”
“What about you?”
“I can eat when I come back. There’s leftovers over there.”
Na Hyeonjun waved at us.
“Yeah. That’s better. I was going to watch you guys eat and then go up to the president’s office for a bit. Rather than waiting for that, it’s better to move with Jihan.”
“…Okay.”
In the end, I ended up riding in Na Jihan’s car to the broadcasting station. We both hadn’t eaten anything since lunch, but to eat alone while he was driving next to me…
“Hurry up and open the lid.”
As soon as I fastened my seatbelt, I gave in to Na Jihan’s nagging and opened the lunch box. The shrimp porridge cooked with eggs gave off a savory smell.
“Don’t worry about me and eat. It’s really okay.”
“…”
“If you hadn’t become a regular radio guest, you could have eaten leisurely. You’re not really being blackmailed by that sunbae, are you?”
“I’m not.”
“No, but why would he specifically ask only you from Arcus, leaving his own members aside… mmph.”
Sensing the displeasure in his voice, I quickly scooped up a spoonful of porridge. Then I slipped it into Na Jihan’s mouth just as he stopped the car at a traffic light.
“It’s all cooled down. You can eat comfortably.”
“Mm.”
I started eating the porridge as energetically as possible.
Actually, Na Jihan’s words made sense too. The schedule was already busy, but doing regular radio guest work every Monday made things twice as hectic.
When the offer to be a regular guest on ‘Bae Dojin’s Moonlit Night’ came through, Na Jihan openly opposed it. His reason was that my health might deteriorate with the comeback approaching. His opinion was that if I really wanted to do activities, how about participating once or twice as an event after finishing album preparations, like last time.
But I accepted Bae Dojin’s offer.
It wasn’t because Bae Dojin forced me. Rather, he maintained a pleasant attitude, saying he felt sorry for making an unreasonable request during a busy time, and that I should think about it comfortably and it would be fine to refuse if it was difficult. He did add that listeners often asked for me and wanted to see me, so it would be good if I could consider it positively.
‘If you really think about it, I did get… blackmailed, didn’t I?’
Given the circumstances, he definitely seemed to have noticed my unrequited love, but surprisingly, Bae Dojin didn’t bring up that topic again. Even recently when Na Jihan often arranged gifts for the staff.
The reason I accepted the proposal that no one forced was simple. It was purely because I liked that work. I could catch my breath for a while doing radio, and I enjoyed communicating by listening to other people’s stories.
Especially after I became the Monday regular guest, fans would often send messages through private message apps saying they listened well to the radio. The broadcasting station also often received messages supporting me, and sometimes they would bundle them up and send them to me.
Because I liked the work of inserting those fragments of hearts into myself. So…
“Oh my.”
There was a thud, and a large hand supported my forehead. Na Jihan caught my head that had tilted forward because I was nodding off while holding a spoon.
“This won’t do. Traffic isn’t backed up so we’ll probably arrive about 20 minutes early? Let’s get some sleep in the parking lot.”
When I straightened my head, he moved his hand to gently stroke my cheek.
“Even just 10 minutes. Okay? I think I’d worry less if I let you sleep. I can wake you up.”
In the end, I pushed away the porridge I’d been half-eating and closed my eyes. Even that short nap was sleep, and it was amazing how the fatigue that had been piling up layer by layer became a little lighter.
“…”
When I opened my eyes, the inside of the car was submerged in deep darkness. It seemed like the car was parked in a corner of the parking lot where the lighting didn’t reach well.
When I rubbed my dry eyes and turned my head, I immediately made eye contact with Na Jihan, who had been resting his arm on the steering wheel with his head leaning against it.
Had he been watching me like that the entire time I was asleep? So silently and tenderly.
The human heart is truly devious. Just moments ago I was proud that I had slept quite well in such a short time, but just seeing the warmth in that single gaze made me regret having slept.
“You…”
Na Jihan said, staring at me.
“Don’t do solo activities later.”
“Why? It’s not like we can do group activities for a thousand or ten thousand years.”
Of course, I also prefer doing activities together. But human affairs are unpredictable.
“Let’s do group activities for a thousand or ten thousand years. What’s the big deal, we can just do it.”
“I’m the one who slept, so why are you talking nonsense like sleep talk?”
When I laughed playfully, Na Jihan made a groaning sound.
“I can’t feel at ease letting you out of my sight.”
“Hey, my age this year is…”
“Even if you were thirty-two instead of twenty-two, my worrying would still be the same.”
His sulky voice sounded somehow like a sulking child.
“I hate that the sides of you I don’t know keep increasing.”
“…”
“Are you close with Bae Dojin sunbae? Close enough to go to the broadcasting station every week to see his face even when you’re this tired?”
“Hey, I’m going there to work, not to see sunbae’s face.”
“…”
“Don’t I work?”
I reached out and poked his cheek with my index finger. I thought the little kid I used to see every day in childhood had disappeared because he had grown up so much, but I guess I do still see glimpses of him like this.
“I wish Seowoo was only palm-sized.”
That was Na Jihan’s childhood habit of speaking.
‘I wish Yoon Seowoo wouldn’t grow up.’
‘…Why? I want to grow tall like you. I hate being short too. When we line up in order of height, I’m always first in the front.’
‘Don’t grow. Just stay little forever.’
‘So why exactly?’
‘Because then it feels like you’d only stay by my side…’
Perhaps because he was the first person outside family I felt intimacy with, Na Jihan, who didn’t often let people into his heart, was particularly fond of me. When such feelings overflowed, he would sometimes show that kind of possessiveness.
After growing up a little, there were times when I was secretly happy because that jealousy felt exactly like romantic feelings for me.
But.
“My world can’t consist only of you, Jihan.”
I couldn’t let myself become intoxicated by the sweet taste of monopoly and ruin the relationship itself.
I was liking Na Jihan more and more each day, and I was gradually feeling a sense of crisis about my heart growing deeper with the weight of time. I was afraid that my world might really become completely filled with just Na Jihan. That I might become a fool who couldn’t stand alone without you.
You are my home, my guiding star, and the person I like most. But still, I wanted to be someone who could rely on you while also being someone you could rely on.
In that sense, I accepted this regular radio guest offer. Apart from liking Na Jihan, I wanted to become someone who could stand alone even without him.
“We should get going soon. Drive carefully, and make sure to eat as soon as you get back.”
“…Mm.”
Instead of answering, Na Jihan slowly blinked his eyes a couple of times. He didn’t seem to have any intention of starting the engine again.
“I’m thinking of waiting for you here.”
I looked back at him while gripping the door handle and asked blankly.
“Huh?”
“It ends in two hours. So I’ll wait for you and then take you home.”
“What about food?”
“I can eat the porridge you left.”
His eyes curved gently.
“Let me listen too. The radio with Yoon Seowoo on it.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
