#56. Memory and Recollections (3)
“…You like him, right?”
Of course, friends say they’re close, but they don’t usually say they like each other.
I added, recalling the conversation we had on Jeju Island the day I first met Bae Dojin.
“Since we’ve known each other since birth. It wouldn’t be ordinary friendship, would it?”
“Hmm, that’s true, but…”
The music was coming to an end. The staff waiting beyond the glass wall gestured for us to put our headphones back on.
The mic would go live soon, so we had to wrap up our small talk. I was thinking it was fortunate as I put on my headset.
“That’s not what I meant by that.”
The moment I fully understood those words, the mic went live.
While I froze in confusion, Bae Dojin continued his commentary as if nothing had happened.
“Welcome back to part 4 of ‘Bae Dojin’s Moonlit Night’. We’ve received quite a few listener stories while the music was playing. If we had time, I would have read them all, but it’s such a shame. Today’s themes were ‘time’ and ‘heart’. Shall we read the first story?”
I tried my best to calm my churning insides while glaring at the innocent microphone.
So maybe Bae Dojin just wanted to say that we seemed special. As I said earlier, we’ve been lifelong…
“Me, trying to break a friendship that could last a lifetime. Am I normal?”
Startled, I whipped around to look at Bae Dojin, but couldn’t meet his eyes. He was keeping his gaze fixed on the story on the screen.
“I have a friend who was with me through middle school, high school, college, and even became my colleague at work. We meet more often than my parents back home. My life’s greatest ally who shares all of life’s joys and sorrows without exception. Our friendship is about to reach exactly 10 years in just a few months, but it seems like a problem has arisen.”
I swallowed dryly without realizing it. I was already completely focused on Bae Dojin, just waiting for him to continue reading the story.
The writer of the story, whose trivial jealousy had developed into subtle greed and then one-sided affection, also said this:
“At first, I tried to give up. Our relationship where I can’t avoid seeing him even if I don’t want to. Isn’t the weight of time we’ve built up too heavy to mess up over a momentary whim?”
Bae Dojin’s calm voice continued.
“The problem is this. Once you become aware of it, it becomes difficult to give up. Sometimes I think if I just confess once, I could shake it off with relief, but then I worry it might become awkward. Actually, becoming awkward would be okay. But if we can never go back to how we were before. Then what would happen to us? Would that ultimately be my fault for not being able to contain my greed?”
I was captivated by a subtle feeling as I watched the story, and Bae Dojin who was contemplating his answer after reading it all.
“Hmm, this is what I think.”
Bae Dojin said, tapping the desk with his fingertips.
“The thought that if you could have given up, you would have done so long ago. Despite all these concerns, the fact that feelings remain means it’s ultimately one of two things. Either you couldn’t give up, or you didn’t want to give up.”
Maybe because the story was similar to mine. Somehow it sounded like he was speaking to me.
“If it were me, I think I’d choose to talk about it. For two reasons. One is that there are no eternal secrets in the world, and the other is that it’s ultimately a matter between two people.”
“…”
“Even if it makes things awkward for a while because of that, wouldn’t it be difficult to say it’s impossible to put things back in their place?”
I made eye contact with Bae Dojin who had been looking around briefly. He smiled with his eyes slightly narrowed. It seemed like a simple habit, but perhaps because something was bothering me, I unconsciously tried to gauge the hidden meaning in that smile.
“I think I understand why you’re worried. You’d be more scared because it’s a relationship you’ve carefully built over a long time. But I’d like to recommend having courage. Regardless of whether the result is good or bad.”
Bae Dojin played a cheerful recommended song with an encouraging message, the requested song written by the story sender, and a listener’s recommended song in succession. During that time, I calmly mulled over what he had said.
Even if it’s feelings one person selfishly harbored, the fact that it ultimately becomes a matter between two people might be somewhat unfair to the person who unknowingly became the object of unrequited love.
‘Na Jihan… shouldn’t feel wronged though.’
Even just looking back a little at how he treated me… ah, am I thinking about this too much from only my perspective?
Maybe Bae Dojin was right. Even if you confess feelings you’ve nurtured one-sidedly, since it’s a long relationship, it might not be completely ruined. One of the reasons time is great is precisely because it has the power to heal. Even if things become awkward immediately, if you don’t give up, an opportunity to make up for it might come around.
But if I were the person in that story, I think I ultimately wouldn’t be able to muster the courage. If there was even a 1% risk that the confession could ruin the relationship, it would be natural to worry about that.
At least I was like that. Since I couldn’t imagine living without Na Jihan, I didn’t want to do anything that might ruin my relationship with him.
It would be a lie to say that loving alone isn’t lonely. But you get used to it after a while. This is also love, and there were times when just cherishing it alone made me feel ticklish and excited.
I read the next story. It was about a listener caring for a sick pet. Time flew by as we talked about sharing unconditional love with a small life that couldn’t communicate in the time allowed.
Bae Dojin skillfully wrapped up the broadcast. He smiled gently at me, saying it was really fun today and asking me to come as a guest again next time.
“It would be an honor for me to be with you anytime, sunbae-nim. I really hope there’s another day when I can greet the ‘Dalchin’ listeners too. Please invite me again next time.”
Only after we finished our final greetings did the mic light go off. It meant the broadcast was over.
It was hectic but such a good experience. Bae Dojin said this was like compensation for his cousin’s rudeness, but actually I should be the one thanking him for giving me such a good opportunity.
‘Should I treat him to a meal later…’
Lost in such thoughts, I looked outside the recording booth and was so startled that my mouth fell open.
“Na Jihan!”
Na Jihan was here. He smiled broadly as if he had been waiting just to make eye contact, and gestured to me.
I quickly ran out and stood in front of him.
“What brings you here? At such a late hour… it’s almost midnight.”
“It’s almost midnight.”
Na Jihan said, looking at me.
“Since it’s such a late hour, I came to pick you up.”
Stay calm. I need to stay calm. It would be weird to be too happy about this.
I quickly tensed the corners of my mouth that were about to rise in an instant. When I stared up at him with my lips thinned from the effort, Na Jihan smiled gently.
“There’s only me, right?”
I stared at him for a moment before asking.
“About giving gifts to people. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I thought you’d say I was being excessive and try to stop me.”
“I would have said it was excessive, but…”
Still, I would have thought it was a good idea so I wouldn’t have stopped him. Instead, I would have insisted on doing it myself rather than borrowing his hands, or at least helping.
“I also wanted to see your reaction.”
Na Jihan glanced at the bouquet in my arms.
“I thought you’d like it. Aren’t I right?”
Of course I liked it. Who wouldn’t be happy to receive flowers from someone they like?
However, there was something bothering me that prevented me from being completely carefree and happy.
“Would it seem strange?”
“What would?”
“To other people…”
Sometimes it bothers me. How does our relationship look to other people’s eyes? Giving out gifts asking people to look favorably on us, giving me a bouquet so big it’s hard to embrace with both arms, and readily coming to pick me up just because it’s late at night – wouldn’t that look strange?
Actually, I know. What’s strange is my heart. Because I keep getting excited alone by Na Jihan’s meaningless kindness, so I worry that the way I treat you might not seem very friend-like.
What if the affection beating rapidly leaks out through the mask of friendship I’ve desperately put on?
“What does other people’s attention matter?”
He thought I was worrying unnecessarily and smiled mischievously.
“What’s important to you is me, isn’t it?”
“That’s…”
Of course you’re important to me. I was about to say that.
Holding the bouquet, I suddenly turned around. No one had called me, but somehow I felt like I should.
And the moment I made eye contact with Bae Dojin who had been watching this way the whole time.
‘Seowoo-ssi likes Jihan-ssi, doesn’t he?’
‘It wouldn’t be ordinary friendship, would it?’
‘That’s not what I meant by that.’
I couldn’t help but realize that my unrequited love had been discovered.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
