#51. The Duration of Affection (6)
Who is that? It’s an unfamiliar voice.
Since the topic was what it was, I couldn’t just go in, so I had no choice but to stand there blankly, gripping the door handle and listening to their conversation.
“Right. This is actually the first time I’m seeing him in person. On screen, his face looked really small and pale, but I wonder if he’s like that in real life too.”
“In real life, my ass. It’s not like it’s been a day or two since faces turn all white under the lights.”
“Right. And honestly, he probably got work done, didn’t he? Then at least he should look good on camera.”
Listening to a few more exchanges, I thought to myself:
‘About three people?’
One person showing a particularly hostile attitude was leading the atmosphere, another was enthusiastically chiming in, and from the third person I occasionally heard, I could sense some discomfort.
“Ah. It’s already fucking annoying to see that bastard Hapil’s face, and now there’s one more added.”
“Jong, Jonghwi-ya. What if someone hears us talking like this?”
“Who’s going to hear? What, would Arcus, who has to go on stage soon, even be listening?”
“……”
“And Yoon Seowoo deserves to get cursed at. Isn’t he someone who blocked others’ paths?”
Coincidentally, I was exactly that Arcus member. And I was the person in question on the chopping block.
Naturally, I didn’t feel good about it. The spot where the unreasonable criticism had scratched seemed to sting.
But I thought it was something that couldn’t be helped. You can’t receive love from everyone in the world. I had this kind of conversation with Hapil Jae before.
‘Don’t mind what others say, Seowoo hyung. Hyung thinks that if you work hard at anything, you can solve it because you’re diligent… but there’s nothing you can do about people who hate you without reason.’
‘Is that so……’
‘To be honest, hyung. Even Buddha has antis. Are you confident you’re kinder than Guanyin Bodhisattva?’
‘……No?’
‘Then just live as you are. Hyung can be a bit selfish too. Just ignore people who dislike you for no reason.’
‘I don’t understand. How can anyone dislike Yoon Seowoo? Isn’t there something wrong with them?’
‘Jihan hyung, really…… No, never mind. Go away.’
After having similar conversations several times, I accepted the reality that there are things in the world that cannot be solved through effort.
It couldn’t be helped. From what I heard, they seemed to be trainees who probably thought they might get a chance when they heard there was a vacancy in the Arcus project.
If an outsider who wasn’t even a colleague practicing and being evaluated together, and who had a very close relationship with a specific member, had taken that position, it would be understandable to feel bitter about it.
But it was a bit unfair for them to talk as if I had ruined something.
When Maki left the debut group, Han Seonggyeong would have already considered filling the position from within the company. If those people had been more suitable for this position than me, the opportunity wouldn’t have come to me, someone from another agency.
Even if that wasn’t the case, getting worked up over something that had already happened and couldn’t be changed anymore was meaningless.
‘If they knew, they probably wouldn’t be doing this either.’
It would just be awkward for both sides if we ran into each other, so I should just go back. Just as I was thinking that and turning around.
Creak.
The door I had been holding onto opened, and soon three men around my age appeared. It happened before I could even try to avoid them.
While I stood frozen in embarrassment, the person standing in front recognized me and made an uncomfortable expression.
“Yu, Yoon Seowoo-ssi, um… I mean, we didn’t mean it like that……”
“What do you mean you didn’t mean it like that?”
I heard a snorting sound, and the man who had been standing in the back came forward. He was quite tall and big, looking exactly like an athlete, but his face was strangely familiar.
“Does denying it make it like it never happened?”
I don’t know this person. He’s a complete stranger I can’t even guess about, but why do I feel like someone is coming to mind from this rude man?
“Even after hearing us talk shit, you didn’t come in and just stood there creepily. What were you doing? Were you recording or something?”
This was exactly the person who had been criticizing me most harshly in the bathroom earlier.
“Why don’t you go tattle? Hold onto that person Na Jihan or whatever, who you’re sucking up to trying to promote yourself, and squeeze some juice out of him.”
Since I still didn’t say anything, he seemed to think I was intimidated and became even more arrogant.
“It’s not even the fucking 80s. Who the hell pretends to be family and sells sob stories in today’s world? If they say they’ll let you debut, would you offer up your ass too?”
So, he seemed to think that he couldn’t debut with Arcus because of me. He probably wanted to return the humiliation he felt from that by hurting me.
Why do people want their hatred for someone to be effective against that person? I was curious because I couldn’t understand it, but at the same time, I didn’t really want to know. Because I don’t want to live like that.
I looked calmly at the three people’s faces and turned on my phone to check the time.
“It’s not that I don’t have anything to say… but that doesn’t seem to be the important thing.”
“……”
“I’ll see you later.”
I would find out who they were soon anyway. Whether I liked it or not, we were people who would be bumping into each other in the same building.
When I returned to the waiting area, Na Jihan, who had been standing askew waiting for me, approached immediately.
“Why did it take so long… did something happen to you?”
Even if I said no, it was obvious he wouldn’t believe me. I shrugged my shoulders and replied quietly.
“It’s nothing.”
“……”
“I think my heart would be more at ease if you pretended to believe this, Jihan-ah.”
He frowned slightly and tapped my cheek with the back of his hand. It seemed like he wanted to touch my face or stroke my head, but couldn’t because he was set up for the stage.
“I’m only letting it slide during the evaluation. When we get home, you have to spill everything.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s go. Everyone’s waiting.”
I unconsciously called out to Na Jihan, who was turning around first.
“Jihan-ah.”
“Yeah, tell me.”
“Will I… be able to do well?”
Just because you work hard and always make an effort with the same heart doesn’t mean only good results will come back. Effort sometimes gets betrayed, and bad things often happen. The world is naturally shaky.
In such reality…….
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan, with his back to the darkness, gripped both my shoulders tightly with his hands.
“You’ve always done well.”
His words sounded like some kind of spell beyond conviction.
“Your greatest strength is that you endure everything in the end. I believe in you like that.”
“……”
“But you can’t believe in yourself every moment. That’s your personality.”
“What should I do at times like that?”
“Believe in me.”
From shoulder to elbow, from elbow to wrist. Coming down further like that, Na Jihan’s hand tightly grasped my cold, stiff hand.
“You have me, don’t you? Right?”
“……”
“Just look at me. Just believe in me, who believes in you.”
It was as he said.
I had you. You always existed in the closest place and in the most visible place. The best spot in my heart was always Na Jihan’s.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I slowly exhaled the air that had filled my lungs tightly, as if dividing it into very small pieces.
Then the bad things lurking inside me mixed with that exhaled breath and escaped.
Having finished our preparations, we walked from darkness into light.
As the thin and elegant melody of the haegeum flowed out, Na Jihan, who stood at the front of the formation, raised his hand. Sparkling light descended and gathered drop by drop on his fingertips that traced a soft trajectory.
The guiding star opened its mouth.
– Remember the day we first met
The world that sparkled with your pure white smile
I wandered around, hovering by your side
That tingling feeling when our fingertips touched
All useless things disappeared. Only what I had to do, what I wanted to do, was clear.
– Sometimes it’s okay to stumble
Hold my hand, let’s go together
You are my clear dream
Taking a step back, I smiled toward the filming camera and took out what was inside my sleeve and unfolded it.
Covering my nose and mouth with the fan and moving to change the formation, Ahn Haesol soon came forward with clean movements. The hem of the light green durumagi that many people had admired swayed gracefully.
At first it was unfamiliar, but after countless practices, the lyrics that had become as familiar as the original version continued.
– My first love, my primordial dream
Following behind you like a shadow
Whispering the words I waited for like the wind
This first time is also you
‘Primordial dream’.
This was the Korean-style arranged version of Arcus’s debut song ‘First Dream’, a special track that would be included in our first mini-album.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
