#36. Temperature of the Heart (6)
I know.
It’s childish whining. I also know well that being stubborn like this doesn’t help anyone, not even myself.
Even though I know in my head that I need to talk things through properly with Na Jihan and Haesol, who must have been shocked because of me…
“Seowoo!”
I ran up to the second floor like I was fleeing and closed the door. I pressed my forehead against the door and slid down to sit.
Once I was separated from all the commotion, the surrounding silence felt even more starkly apparent. Who knew the sound of my heart beating busily could be so irritating? It was a different kind of overwhelming feeling than when I was with Na Jihan.
‘I need time.’
How long was I there with that excuse?
Thump. I looked up, startled by the rough knocking.
“Open the door.”
It was Na Jihan. I hesitated without answering right away, still having some lingering resentment in my heart, when I heard the sound of knocking on the door again.
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan didn’t wait long. With a rattling sound, my body was pushed aside in an instant. I must have forgotten to lock the door in the midst of everything.
Looking up at Na Jihan’s face while sitting slumped on the floor, I could see faint irritation shadowing it.
“You got your feelings hurt so you won’t eat and you go upstairs and close your door? Are you a child?”
I kept my mouth tightly shut and avoided his gaze.
“I set some food aside. Come downstairs and eat.”
“…”
“Or should I bring it up?”
“…”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
As the silence continued, he let out a deep sigh.
“If you won’t eat, let’s at least talk.”
He looked ready to walk past me and enter the room completely. I replied defensively.
“…There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Fine. Then let’s not have a conversation, let’s just sit.”
Even though he wasn’t particularly sensitive when it came to emotions, how could he not understand when I was telling him to just leave me alone?
‘No, he’s probably just pretending not to know.’
As proof, Na Jihan stubbornly stepped over me and plopped down on the edge of the bed. The way he leaned his upper body forward slightly, resting his elbows on his thighs while silently looking down at me felt annoying in a way that was different from usual.
“I want to be alone.”
“Too bad. I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“…”
“I’m trying to keep you company. You’re a scaredy-cat.”
He added in a calm voice.
“You’re afraid of seeing blood and getting hurt, so it takes you a long time to calm down.”
It was a gaze that knew me to an excessive degree.
“Is something scarier than being with me better?”
“I don’t want to get scolded by you.”
I said while looking down at my innocent toes. After saying it, it felt like an even more pathetic excuse.
“I told you I know I did something wrong too.”
“I didn’t come in to scold you. Earlier too…”
Na Jihan, who had been about to say something, ruffled his own hair and sighed again.
“I wasn’t trying to scold you. The words just came out that way.”
Just as Na Hyeonjun had explained, he had also been surprised. I understood. Being indifferent to his own matters but not to mine was one of the many reasons I liked Na Jihan.
“Even if you didn’t come up to do that, you’ll still scold me. What did you say as soon as you came in earlier?”
Even though I knew this wasn’t the right timing to voice my hurt feelings, the words came out on their own.
“I’m not asking you to do anything. I know that saying this after getting hurt has no credibility. But I’m not a child. I can do things even when you’re not around.”
This was what I didn’t want to say. That expression Na Jihan was making, and words that felt somehow sharp – I didn’t like them. I just didn’t like this harshness that made me swallow everything with rough edges when I could accept them just fine with a little leeway…
“Get out. I don’t want to talk to you.”
Na Jihan didn’t get up. I fumbled to get up from my spot. My legs were shaky, probably from crouching for too long.
“…If you won’t leave, then I’ll leave.”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Before he could say anything, I quickly escaped from the room and slammed the door shut. I felt a throbbing sensation in the palm gripping the door handle. It seemed like the delayed pain was finally hitting me as the tension was released.
I came down to the first floor like I was fleeing and encountered Na Hyeonjun, who was getting ready to leave. Since I didn’t want to have a conversation with him either, I just bowed slightly in greeting and went outside.
I had stormed out in anger, but I hadn’t intended to go very far. After wandering around the garden, I eventually sat down on a bench set up in the corner.
“…Sigh.”
My body started shivering, probably because I hadn’t brought a proper coat. It meant I shouldn’t keep up this stupid act for too long.
As Na Hyeonjun had said, my well-being wasn’t mine alone. Condition management was one of the most important duties of an idol.
To lose as little body heat as possible to the cold wind, I brought my legs up onto the bench, hugged my knees tightly, and curled up my body. No matter how much I tried to ignore it, the pain in my palm gradually became clearer, making me feel somehow pitiful.
I really didn’t know. I was out of it. I thought she was my fan… no, I hoped she was my fan.
The other person had given me that thing with malicious intent while pretending otherwise with a smile, but I alone had been thinking it would be nice to meet her again, which was absurd.
‘Idiot.’
Was Na Jihan still in my room? Since he knew me better than I knew myself sometimes, maybe he was staying put, thinking I’d quickly surrender and come back up.
It was around the time when my childish desire to be contrary was fighting with my desire to agree with his prediction.
A light touch tapped my hand.
“Seowoo.”
When I looked up, Haesol was looking down at me. It was a gently smiling face.
He wrapped a blanket he had brought around me and asked.
“Haesol hyung.”
“Are you going to stay out here longer?”
“No, I was about to go in.”
“You don’t look very eager to.”
“Na Jihan is in my room…”
“Haha.”
Following the bland laugh, my hair was thoroughly messed up.
“He’s not there now. I told him to go back to his room.”
“That stubborn guy listened to you, hyung?”
“He doesn’t listen to me either.”
“Then why did you say he’s not there…”
“But when I threatened that he might be hated by you, his cheeks puffed up and he went back.”
Haesol moved his hand from stroking my head down to slowly rub my cheek with the back of his hand. His warm body heat soaked through, probably because my body had gotten cold.
“You don’t need to have a separate talk with Jihan when you go in. I think it would be better for both of you to calm down first and have a conversation after your condition improves.”
“…”
“That’s why you came out, right?”
At his words saying I must have been very shocked so I should do whatever felt comfortable, I nodded. Words of gratitude were hanging at the tip of my lips, but since it seemed like he wasn’t done talking, I waited quietly.
“Still, you should go into your room. Jihan was worried the whole time. He didn’t know what to do from dinner time. Right now he’s just staring out the window.”
After hesitating for a moment, I apologized.
“…I’m sorry.”
“You’re not the only one at fault.”
Haesol said gently.
“Come to think of it, we were also letting our guard down. We even installed CCTV in the dorm to prepare for any possible situations, but I guess we were a bit unclear about needing to inform you about these aspects.”
“Still, I was complacent.”
“I can’t say you weren’t. But I won’t nag you. Manager-nim probably took care of that.”
His hand that had been gently stroking with the back of his hand lightly pinched my cheek. It was just a gesture, so it didn’t hurt at all.
“And you won’t do it again from now on, so it’s okay. We just need to fix things one by one and move forward.”
When I nodded, laughter mixed into his voice.
“That’s enough.”
“You don’t want anything more?”
“Mm.”
I thought he would say no, but surprisingly, Haesol thought for a moment and then said.
“There’s one thing.”
“What is it?”
The face of Haesol that I looked up at was full of an awkward smile.
“I hope you won’t regret your decision to be with us because of these bad memories.”
“…”
“Since we’re going our separate ways anyway, I didn’t want to speak badly about it, but the atmosphere when Maki was here and when Seowoo is here is very different.”
Well, that would be natural. They said Maki didn’t show much enthusiasm for group activities. Whatever the reason, it didn’t seem like he would have had a good influence on the other members.
“Not just me, but the others have also become much more attached to the group after you joined. It might be a bit selfish of me to say this to you, who experienced a debut cancellation, but… I think it worked out well that we got to meet you, Seowoo, because of it.”
This was the first time Haesol had opened up with such honest feelings.
“You’re good fortune for us, but if we’re bad fortune for you, that would be too sorry.”
“I’m…”
I was flustered and tried to grab him, but my injured palm stung and I made a pained sound. Haesol immediately frowned.
“You need to be careful.”
But what was important wasn’t this pain that would heal anytime, but something else. I curved my fingers and firmly gripped his collar.
“I feel the same way.”
I wanted to be as honest as he had been with me. That’s why I wanted to answer now.
“For me too… Arcus is good fortune.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
