#34. Temperature of the Heart (4)
On my way back to the dorm, I discovered a procession of flower wreaths stretching along the main road by the company building’s front gate.
Just like I’d seen several times before, on one side were colorful congratulatory wreaths, while on the opposite side were funeral wreaths made only of white chrysanthemums, facing each other competitively in an endless line.
It wasn’t hard to figure out. The colorful side welcomed my joining. The all-white side didn’t welcome my joining and was waiting for Maki.
“It’s not like anything will change because of this…”
The agency had decided to consistently maintain no response. The idea was that this kind of controversy would sink below the surface once we actually debuted and established ourselves. So the only message conveyed was to pretend not to see it and not to scratch at scabs.
In fact, while it grew and shrank somewhat, the overall quantity was trending downward.
‘Let’s not read it.’
I kept my gaze politely downcast and quickened my pace. Now that I thought of it as no longer someone else’s problem, I couldn’t bring myself to read it at all.
‘That’s just a small part, hyung. That kind of opinion will become smaller and more trivial as time passes. Eventually it’ll become nothing at all.’
Would it really be like that? I hoped so. I slowly chewed over the comforting words Hapil had said to me.
‘People’s hearts change, Seowoo. So don’t get buried in the hearts of people who want to see you badly without reason. You’re the only one who can create an opportunity for change.’
I also recalled the advice from Haesol, who was more resolute than anyone else in this regard. His strictness in telling me that when I needed to be strong, I had to overcome it like that was reassuring.
What if I failed to convince those people? What if in the end, no matter what I did, I’d only be hated?
It’s not like I never thought about it. When I did, I recalled the advice that Lee Seon had casually left behind with his characteristically indifferent tone.
‘You can’t be loved by everyone. Nobody can. Even if someone hates you, hyung, that’s not something you have to digest either. I think you can abandon the idea that you have to interact… mm, yes. Interact with all other people’s emotions.’
Even so, when I couldn’t calm down, I’d think of the words from the one person who would be on my side no matter what happened.
‘You’ll eventually prove it in the way you want.’
When I think of Na Jihan, my anxiously stirring heart gradually settles. I also felt like the path ahead that had been invisible in the darkness was becoming bright.
That’s what liking Na Jihan meant to me. Being able to see my emotions, and you and me, and the world a little more clearly. The power to make me want to live in a better way so I could become someone worthy of staying by your side.
“…Good.”
I took a deep breath and steeled my resolve.
Even if the noise persisted, being able to debut like this was definitely good fortune. So I had to cheer up. The only thing I could do was give my best in this position.
Besides, not everyone hated me. The person who had approached me in Jeju Island asking for an autograph and holding out their diary came vividly to mind.
The face that had shone so brightly while smiling and saying thank you for the letter written with pressed-down strokes made me desperately want to answer that I was even happier that they were happy for me.
“Seowoo.”
Before going to catch a taxi, someone called out to me. Unlike the other people gathered in small groups, it was a girl around my age standing alone, and from the way she recognized me immediately, she seemed to be a fan.
“Hello.”
Let’s be kind first to people who recognize me. Recalling the resolution I’d etched into my mind countless times, I smiled brightly for now.
“What can I do for you?”
“Ah, you really are Seowoo. You’re alone again today?”
I tilted my head at the strangely felt nuance and answered.
“It’s the holidays, so everyone was a bit busy.”
“I see. Then I guess I’ll have to take care of just Seowoo.”
She smiled as if she had no choice and held something out to me.
“It’s apple jam cookies, and I made them myself so they’re not very sweet.”
I don’t eat desserts very often, so I was about to decline, but the phrase “made them myself” bothered me.
‘Would she be disappointed if I don’t accept?’
From the way she had been looking around and asking if I was alone again today, it seemed like she had been waiting more for the other members. I felt like I’d be too sorry if I showed a disappointing reaction to her action of thinking she should take care of me instead.
“Thank you. I’ll enjoy them.”
I carefully put the cookies in my pocket and bowed my head.
The other person must have been a little disappointed to only give this to me, but I was happy. I could still feel that there was someone who recognized me and cheered for me. So my insides felt ticklish.
‘I hope I can meet that person again later.’
Would there be a day when we’d run into each other on the way to and from work or at fan signings? It was the first time I’d felt so regretful about being bad at remembering faces. How nice it would be if things like observational skills could be improved through training.
Lost in various thoughts, when I arrived at the dorm, a text from Na Jihan arrived.
[Traffic’s a bit backed up. I think we’ll be an hour or two late, so if you’re hungry, eat a snack or something.]
[Haesol hyung is coming back with us on the way.]
This was welcome news. I put down the book I’d been reading and hurriedly replied.
[I’m not really hungry. I’ll wait.]
Wanting to welcome them back right away, I even came down to the first floor living room with my book.
‘Come to think of it, he said he’d bring some books.’
I recalled that one of Haesol’s cousins ran a bookstore, and when he heard I liked books, he said he’d bring some good ones for me to read. Na Hyeonjun’s insistence on picking up Haesol on the way was probably because of that too.
Thinking I might need to help move luggage, I even brought the coat I’d worn when I went to practice earlier and put it beside me.
With all the lights on the first floor brightly lit, I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. I was flipping through pages half-heartedly when my phone rang and I grabbed it immediately.
“Oh, Jihan.”
– Traffic is worse than I thought. Are you hungry by any chance?
I thought he was calling to ask for help moving luggage. I cleared my throat so as not to show my disappointment.
“I’m fine.”
– Haesol hyung next to me says he has a convenience store gift card and is asking if you want it. Want to go out? I know you don’t usually snack much, but I thought you might be hungry.
“No.”
That’s when I remembered something. I took out the cookies from the coat pocket beside me.
“I have some snacks I got as a gift. I’ll eat those.”
– A gift?
“Yeah. I got them on the way back from the company. So don’t worry and come back safely. Don’t pester Hyeonjun hyung to go faster.”
Of course, I knew he wasn’t the type to get impatient just because someone nagged him a bit, but when it came to driving, you could never be too careful.
– I know.
Na Jihan answered in a gentle voice.
– I’ll make sure you don’t have to worry.
“…Yeah.”
– Are you looking at poetry books again today?
“No. Prose today.”
Of course, whether it was poetry, prose, or novels, there was no real difference in that I wouldn’t be able to concentrate. My attention was completely focused on Na Jihan, whom I’d be seeing for the first time in days.
As expected, even an hour after hanging up, I’d barely turned five or six pages. Even then, none of the content registered in my eyes, so I’d probably have to reread it anyway.
“Since we’ll probably eat dinner as soon as they arrive, I’ll just eat half of this.”
The cookies I’d left on the table were still there. They were bigger than I thought, so if I ate the whole palm-sized thing, I’d be full, so I figured I should break it in half.
I completely closed my book and rustled around to take out the cookies, holding them in both hands. I was struggling to somehow break the surprisingly hard cookie in half when—
“You can tell Yoon Seowoo is downstairs from the lights being on on the first floor. Definitely.”
“Well, that does seem likely. Seowoo, we’re back. I thought traffic was backed up, but it was because of an accident. After that, it was completely clear…”
The moment my eyes met Na Jihan’s as he opened the door and came in, snap—the cookie broke in half.
And.
“Yoon Seowoo!”
A sharp shout and something even sharper…
“…Huh?”
I suddenly looked down to see my palm stained red.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
i fxcking knew it.. damn saesangs