#23. Guiding Star (1)
“Good evening.”
A clicking sound rang out again. A fire flared up small in the darkness and then went out again. He must have come down to smoke.
There were many smokers in the industry. People went in and out of the company building’s smoking booth day and night. Artists were no exception, with the caution being not to show themselves to people outside the company. Anyway, since it was a common occurrence, there were no particular feelings about it.
However, it would be troublesome if the smell lingered. Yoon Seowoo tended to react sensitively to smoke and odors.
So he had skillfully stepped back, but surprisingly no acrid smoke came out. It meant it was meaningless fidgeting. Even though he had put a cigarette in his mouth.
“‘Good evening’ is a greeting. Not an answer.”
Na Jihan replied curtly.
“I came out to get some air.”
“To smoke one?”
“I don’t smoke.”
A firm voice followed.
“I have no intention of doing so in the future either.”
“Good thinking. It’s best not to start at all.”
Click, click. After that, Bae Dojin only fidgeted several times but didn’t light up. Then he snapped the cigarette he had been holding in his mouth and put it in a portable ashtray.
Na Jihan, who had missed the timing to pass by and was staring blankly at this scene, asked.
“You don’t smoke?”
“I’m quitting.”
Bae Dojin said in a gentle voice.
“I started smoking a little after sending the kids to the military, but habits are scary indeed. When Yuwon came out on leave and saw me, he scolded me terribly, saying I was doing something bad for my throat.”
“……”
“It’s not a good look to show others either. You have to quit when you can quit.”
Na Jihan just said “I see” with an unimpressed expression.
“Anyway, since I’m not smoking, you don’t have to stay so far away.”
“I was just passing by.”
Bae Dojin laughed at Na Jihan’s consistently indifferent attitude. He looked as if he found the greenhorn junior, who couldn’t hide his dislike at all, cute.
“Since we’re both out getting air anyway, let’s talk a bit.”
“……”
“Jihan, you’re not very interested in social life?”
“I do as much as others do.”
It was a roundabout way of saying he was pretending to be a senior while making useless suggestions. Even though Bae Dojin understood the negative nuance, he didn’t show any displeasure.
“I have something I’m curious about.”
“……”
“Are you close with Seowoo?”
As soon as he heard that question, Na Jihan’s atmosphere completely changed. The indifference that seemed like he would listen with one ear and let it out the other was gone, and a gaze full of wariness shot at Bae Dojin like an arrow.
“We are close.”
“How much?”
“Why should I answer that?”
“Just, I’m curious. Do you know that you two have a subtly different atmosphere? It doesn’t seem ordinary.”
“Wouldn’t it be stranger if it were ordinary? We’ve known each other since we were in the womb.”
Bae Dojin shrugged his shoulders.
“Do meetings from times you can’t even remember have weight?”
“If you fasten the first button then and are together in all memories, it has weight.”
He asked in a voice tinged with laughter.
“Do you like him?”
Na Jihan, who let out a hollow laugh, retorted.
“How can you be friends if you don’t like someone?”
“Aha, friends here too…… Interesting. It feels different from all the friendships I’ve seen and experienced in my life, but I don’t really know what other answer there could be.”
The lighter made a clicking sound again. His fingertip lit up a small flame, and soon the darkness retreated a few spans before rushing back.
“Admiration? That’s definitely not it. It’s too exceptional to be friendship, but if you ask if it’s life-or-death love, that doesn’t seem right either.”
“……”
“……Ah, sorry. I have a personality that must poke and examine anything I’m curious about until I’m satisfied. I’ll apologize if I was rude.”
“Think whatever you’re comfortable with. Nothing particularly matters.”
“Then what does matter to junior Jihan?”
The answer came immediately.
“The reason you’re doing this, sunbae.”
“……”
“Your honorifics are quite informal, and you kept talking to him throughout dinner. Are you close with Seowoo?”
Bae Dojin still spoke in a relaxed voice.
“Not yet. I plan to hover around wanting to become close in the future, and in doing so, I’ll inevitably run into you often. Since you two go around together like a set.”
“Why?”
A low voice rang out interrogatively.
“Admiration? Of course not. It’s too sudden to call friendship, but if you ask if it’s life-or-death love, that probably isn’t it either.”
“Mm.”
Bae Dojin, who shoved the lighter into his pocket, answered with a quite innocent attitude, folding his fingers one by one.
“There are quite a few candidates, right? Curiosity, goodwill, interest…… Think whatever you’re comfortable with. Nothing particularly matters.”
Bae Dojin, who returned exactly the words he had heard, smiled slyly.
“The ‘star I definitely want to catch’ you mentioned before must have been Seowoo. But what if you get hated for being too exceptionally prickly?”
“……”
“I’ll keep it secret from Seowoo.”
Bae Dojin, who waved his hand saying he’d go in first so finish getting air, went into the building.
Na Jihan stood askew watching his retreating figure, then looked up at the considerably darkened sky. Perhaps because the lights around the pension were still brightly lit, the stars weren’t clearly visible, but since he didn’t particularly want to see them anyway, it didn’t matter.
A star I definitely want to catch.
He had said that during the Midnight open audition. After showing his special skill, when asked if he had anything else to say in front of the judges, at the moment he bowed his head and answered that he would work hard at anything.
One of the judges sitting at the doorway opened his mouth and asked a question.
‘Why do you work hard?’
‘……’
‘I’m curious. The reason you want to become an idol.’
‘Because I’m good at it. I want to keep being good, want to be better, and want to be good only at this.’
An answer he had never prepared flowed out naturally.
‘Because there’s a star I definitely want to catch.’
Bae Dojin must have seen countless audition participants while observing open auditions all this time. He didn’t expect him to remember a specific person, and a specific expression, among them.
Moreover, it was a vague metaphor. It wouldn’t be easy to be certain that it specifically pointed to the person beside him.
“It’s not really much of a secret anyway.”
A star I definitely want to catch. And a guiding star. To Na Jihan, Yoon Seowoo was that kind of existence.
‘If you get lost, you can look at the sky. Find the North Star there.’
‘Why find the North Star when you’re lost?’
‘Because it’s the guiding star. It’s the brightest and always there, so it will tell you the direction no matter where you get lost.’
While Yoon Seowoo found the North Star in that vast sky, Na Jihan just stared intently at Yoon Seowoo’s face.
Is there a need to count stars that are tens of thousands of light-years away? When something blindingly bright is right here.
Still, it wasn’t that he couldn’t understand the heart that seeks stars. It was common romance. Like the melancholy protagonist in some novel who greeted and kissed one star thousands of times when leaving and entering the house, like the poet who counted numerous stars one by one, filling them with memories, love, loneliness, and yearning.
Everyone needs a star. For me, that was just you.
When he went up to the room, he heard rustling sounds. It seemed like someone had briefly woken up from the corridor light pouring through the door crack and the presence.
“What, Naji…… Where are you?”
“I’m here.”
When he quickly felt for the head of the bed, a hand that had been wriggling out from under the blanket groped around his knuckles.
“Cold…… Did you go out?”
“Briefly.”
“We have to move from tomorrow morning. Stop wandering around and sleep……”
“Yeah.”
Even though he said it would be awkward to use one bed when there are cameras, in his sleep he comes close and clings well enough. The body temperature of this person, who had become a little warm from sleeping, seeped in welcomingly.
Na Jihan thought while curling up his large body as if huddling.
“Seowoo.”
“……”
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Yoon Seowoo. You, like the first and greatest tenderness arranged in my life. You, as if prepared in advance so that loneliness couldn’t devour me.
With just your warmth, I was confident I wouldn’t want anything else in the world.
So.
“……Don’t fall away.”
Because it’s better to be frustrated when you’re here than to be frustrated when you’re not here. Whatever happens, it will be okay if we’re together.
I believed that without a doubt.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
