#14. One-Sided Love Red Flag (8)
The inside of my eyelids burned with a stinging heat, and soon lukewarm liquid flowed down along the corners of my eyes.
I knew it was a dream. I also knew that when I woke up, it would disappear without a trace. Even so, I did nothing and just watched as this old memory fragment pierced through me.
It wasn’t because it didn’t hurt, or because I didn’t know it was painful. Thanks to Na Jihan’s mother’s consideration, it might have been a less painful farewell, but it wasn’t a painless one.
Still, the reason I foolishly held onto it was because I wanted to have at least that much. The time we spent together was too short, too insufficient, and I was sad that even that was being forgotten and lost little by little.
There was a thud. I couldn’t immediately distinguish whether it was from reality or fantasy. But there was no need to worry. The answer came quickly.
I felt a light and cozy cypress scent wrapping around me densely.
“Yoon Seowoo.”
Na Jihan rescued me from the nightmare again this time. His large hand wrapped around the back of my neck and pulled me into his embrace.
“I knew this would happen.”
“Hng…”
“Yoon Seowoo, open your eyes. Open them properly and look at me.”
I tried to shake my head, but I couldn’t because my cheeks were being held. He put gentle pressure into the hands gripping my jaw and cheeks, making me open my closed mouth.
“Breathe.”
“…”
“Again, slowly.”
Only then did I realize that I had been panting so hard that my lungs were throbbing. My rapid breathing gradually subsided, and my blurred vision also cleared a little.
“…Jihan.”
“What dream did you have?”
Na Jihan asked while patting my back.
“About aunt?”
“Yeah.”
I asked in a voice that was still trembling because I hadn’t calmed down yet.
“How did you know?”
“You always have it once when you have a lot on your mind or when you change sleeping places.”
Na Jihan answered quietly and rubbed around my eyes with his thumb. The teardrops that had formed but hadn’t fallen were wiped away by his touch.
“You did that during the retreat too.”
“That was so long ago, how do you still remember…”
“How could I not remember? I put you to sleep then too.”
That was right. When I was scared of sleeping outside the house for the first time and didn’t know what to do while huddled in the closet, Na Jihan risked getting in trouble and came over from his class to hold me tight and sleep with me.
I liked that indescribable scent I could always smell when I buried my head in Na Jihan’s embrace. That cozy smell that was like trees, like earth, and also like unknown wildflowers.
It was only after growing up a little that I learned people often called that the scent of home.
For me, Na Jihan was home.
“Can you sleep again?”
He slowly patted my back.
“I’ll stay on the first floor until you fall asleep.”
The way he made such a fuss about my matters was really comforting at times like this. I just had to pretend to give in and nod my head.
When I closed my eyes tightly, Na Jihan stroked my hair with gentle touches. He brushed from the crown of my head down to the nape of my neck in flowing motions, patted my shoulder, then stroked my head again and patted my shoulder. Just like mothers used to do for us.
I spread out the pitch-black darkness like drawing paper and began to draw Na Jihan’s figure.
I started with his face, which was the first thing visible and what anyone could easily draw. His well-defined features that had a straight yet clear presence. Thick eyebrows, black eyes, the thin double eyelid only on the left side. Even the clearly defined jawline below his ears.
As I recalled his movie-scene-like smile, I spoke to Na Jihan in my mind. I know this isn’t all of you.
I knew parts that others didn’t know well. I knew them so well that I could clearly draw them anytime, anywhere. The faint, small scar on the inside of his left ring finger, the two dots lined up along the line from below his right ear to the nape of his neck. Even the dimple that only appeared like a mirage when he smiled very broadly, then disappeared.
And even the vertical lettering tattoo carved along his back. Dum spiro spero. The meaning is…
‘As long as you’re alive, there’s hope, Seowoo.’
When Na Jihan stretched out his large hand, my vision soon turned black.
I was no longer afraid of nightmares or darkness.
* * *
When I woke up to the alarm sound, I was alone.
I fumbled around my bedside looking for my phone. The noise pouring down like cold water on my half-asleep mind made me frown automatically.
“Why is this sound like this…”
It was completely different from the sound I usually had set. Why is this happening, I muttered while rummaging through the sheets and grabbing the phone.
“Huh?”
The texture in my hand was even stranger.
It wasn’t my phone. Only then did I realize why the sound was different. It was Na Jihan’s.
Where did mine go and why is this here? I thought that while reading the numbers displayed plainly on the screen… the really strange thing was here.
“Why is the time like this too?”
The alarm I had definitely set before sleeping was 7:30. But now it was exactly 9 o’clock.
I was late.
My drowsy eyes snapped open in panic. As I tried to get up urgently, a calm voice came from the doorway.
“Don’t move hastily. A kid with low blood pressure has no fear.”
“…Na Jihan!”
“If you’re up, wash your face and come down to the first floor. I’ll make you breakfast.”
What breakfast? What time is it now!
“We’re late.”
“You’re not late.”
“How am I not late? Vocal lessons are at 9.”
It was ridiculous. Even if I teleported to the company building right now, I’d be late.
I, who always went early if I went early but never was late, was flustered by this situation and my heart was pounding wildly, but Na Jihan, holding my phone in his hand, was just calm.
“I asked to skip vocal lessons for just one day. I sent the members ahead and let you sleep more.”
I stared up at him blankly and asked.
“Is that okay?”
“When I said you needed to manage your condition while adapting to the dorm, they gave permission. The trainer teacher also said it was okay to miss one day.”
“Then what about you? Aren’t you late too?”
Then Na Jihan burst out laughing.
“I got permission saying I’d stay and look after you.”
He tossed my phone to me and said.
“Now get yourself together and come down?”
“Yeah…”
I was still a bit dazed, but I was definitely awake. After washing up diligently and going down to the first floor, Na Jihan had prepared a meal for just one person at the dining table and was waiting for me.
“What about you?”
“I ate after my morning run earlier. A shake.”
Does that count as a meal? Since I knew he ate well because of his high activity level, I was looking at him with a puzzled gaze when Na Jihan put a spoon in my hand and said.
“I’m managing in advance. If I gain too much weight or my lines get too thick, I’ll look puffy on screen.”
“Then I…”
“You need to eat more.”
When I took a spoonful of rice, Na Jihan picked up the chopsticks in front of him and put a side dish on top of the rice I had just scooped.
Even though he always took care of me attentively, he’d never done something like this. Apart from being happy, it was awkward, so I was just watching when Na Jihan naturally gestured toward the spoon.
“What are you doing? Hurry up and eat.”
When I put the stir-fried kimchi he had prepared into my mouth and scooped rice again, this time braised beef was placed on top.
“Eating is what remains.”
The nagging that flew at me as if he’d been waiting was a bonus.
“After debut, we won’t be able to adjust our schedule. We might have to live seeing all kinds of sights, good and bad. You need to build up your stamina to endure even a little…”
Next came seasoned black beans, stir-fried bracken stems, and seasoned squid.
“Once you adapt, I’m going to make you do morning workouts too, so keep that in mind.”
The speed at which he was putting side dishes on my rice was too fast, so when I hesitated for a moment, he even made a stern expression telling me not to be picky.
Finally, I asked in a sulky voice.
“Hey. Do you think I’m a little kid?”
“It would be easier if you were a little kid. I could just sit you on my knee and take care of you one by one.”
“Even aunt doesn’t say things like that…”
“Our mom doesn’t nag because she thinks you’re so cute she could die.”
He talks as if he doesn’t find me cute. I pouted and briefly recalled a conversation I had with him, then pulled out one word that stuck like a thorn.
Unsightly things.
His words were right. Debuting as an idol wasn’t an ordinary thing. In my case, joining in an exceptional way, it was even more of a thorny path. Just the fact that sasaengs had come to my house was proof of that.
I couldn’t let the group have problems because of me. I didn’t want to hold back the members who were kind to me either… and most of all, I wanted to debut safely from here.
As Arcus, and all five of us together.
“Jihan.”
“What?”
Na Jihan, who had been cutting the rolled omelet into small pieces convenient for putting on my spoon, looked up.
“…Let’s do that.”
Right. It was just a matter of me changing my mind.
“Roleplay.”
“…”
“Let’s do it with me, pretending to date.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
