#13. One-Sided Love Red Flag (7)
“Make yourself comfortable, Seowoo.”
I’m not comfortable. There’s absolutely no way I can be comfortable.
After practice ended in the evening, I followed Na Jihan into the Arcus dorm and went to my room with a thread of hope, but……
‘Somehow it seems even colder?’
‘Well, of course, they left the windows open so dust wouldn’t fly around.’
‘Would it be okay if I kept my coat on……’
‘Yoon Seowoo. Stop being clever and just follow me.’
‘……Yes sir.’
In the end, I entered Ahn Haesol and Na Jihan’s room and plopped down on the floor. Ahn Haesol, who was packing his bag, looked at me and smiled softly.
“I got a call from Jihan. Someone followed you all the way to your house? You must have been really scared. I’ll talk to the company about it, so let’s move together from the dorm from now on.”
He also lightly waved the phone in his hand, saying he’d try to push up the construction and interior schedule as much as possible.
‘Just like on the broadcast.’
It was the same during ‘For Stadium.’ Even in the sensitive environment of a survival audition, he showed that he valued cooperation between groups above all else.
There were opinions like: won’t he lose out and not get proper parts while taking care of others first like that, that’s not kindness but foolishness, even if he gets eliminated like that, who would appreciate it.
But Ahn Haesol proved it. That the world doesn’t run on competition alone. That although he focused on this opportunity and did his best in his current position, he was looking further ahead.
So while Ahn Haesol wasn’t selected for ‘Starium,’ the debut group from the ‘For Stadium’ rankings, he became the leader of Arcus and is here now.
His natural way of taking care of others seemed to remain the same even when the cameras were off.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“No, just…… it feels refreshing somehow?”
“You seemed calm the whole time, but I guess it’s finally hitting you now. Seowoo is our member now too.”
Ahn Haesol continued with a bright smile.
“We’ll live here together, debut together, and promote together.”
“……”
“Oh, and feel free to use the room. Coincidentally, I’ll be sleeping somewhere else until the weekend.”
Na Jihan turned his head sharply as if this was the first time he’d heard this too.
“Haesol hyung, you’re staying out overnight?”
Judging by how surprised he seemed, this rarely happened. Well, ‘Ahn Haesol’ and ‘staying out overnight’ was indeed an incompatible combination.
“My cousin asked me to take care of his cat. They’re going on a family trip but couldn’t take the animal with them. I agreed to stay at his place for about two days to look after it.”
“Are you close?”
“We practically grew up together. So you can use my bed, Seowoo. Don’t sleep on the floor for no reason.”
“Yes, I’ll do that.”
I looked at Ahn Haesol leaving the room with somewhat unfamiliar eyes.
He’s close with his cousin. Well, being close to relatives was common. Na Jihan’s cousins would gather at his house during holidays too, and he’d be completely busy playing with his younger siblings and nephews. Na Hyeonjun being the manager was just an extension of that kind of connection.
On the other hand, I wasn’t like that. After my father’s business failed and they divorced, we cut ties with his family, and my mother’s family treated me like an unwanted burden.
I don’t simply envy what I don’t have but others do. There’s no meaning in that. But I couldn’t help feeling a corner of my heart grow lonely.
“It’s not your fault.”
At the low voice, I looked up. Na Jihan, gripping both my shoulders with his hands, had lowered his head to meet my gaze.
“What do you mean it’s not my fault when you know what I’m thinking?”
“How could I not know?”
“……”
“Your family members are irresponsible. They know how you and your aunt lived together, but leaving you alone just to get some property doesn’t make sense from the start. Those people……”
“……”
“Still, they’re your blood relatives so I won’t say anything worse. But they’re people you don’t need to have, Seowoo. It’s not because you’re a bad person that you can’t get along with those people.”
Na Jihan’s voice continued softly.
“You have me.”
“……Jihan.”
“Even if you put all those people together, they’re not as good as me. I do better than them. Am I wrong?”
No, he wasn’t wrong. It was just as he said. Na Jihan occupied a large portion within me. As he put it, even if you combined all those people, they couldn’t be as significant as Na Jihan.
“It’s late. Let’s sleep now.”
Since we had dinner at the company building and came back, there wasn’t much to do. I gathered my pajamas and family photo from the suitcase and hesitantly approached the bed.
He said the upper bunk was where Ahn Haesol slept, so I should climb the ladder.
But the moment I put my foot on the ladder, Na Jihan grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me back.
“Not there, sleep on the bottom bunk.”
The bottom bunk was the bed Na Jihan used.
“Why?”
“You can’t sleep when you change places. I thought my bed would be a bit better than hyung’s bed.”
“……”
“And you might get hurt if you fall in your sleep.”
“There’s a railing there……”
Na Jihan didn’t even pretend to listen and pushed me onto his bed. After I fell backward and lay down flat, Na Jihan covered me with a blanket and lowered his body while gripping the bed frame, smiling.
“Sleep quietly there. I’ll come down tomorrow morning to wake you up.”
While he turned off the lights and went up to the upper bunk, I deliberately kicked the blanket with my feet and made loud rustling noises. If I didn’t, it felt like he’d clearly hear the sound of my heart beating so fast it was overwhelming.
‘Fool.’
Fool Na Jihan. Na Jihan who doesn’t know people’s hearts. Na Jihan who’s carelessly affectionate. Na Jihan who knows everything about me, but absolutely doesn’t know about my feelings that grow bigger every single day.
“You really……”
“What about me?”
“Just go to sleep.”
“I can only sleep after you sleep. Don’t rustle around and just close your eyes obediently.”
“Nagging……”
Na Jihan chuckled and replied.
“I only do it for you.”
“I know.”
If only you were a person who was affectionate to everyone, would I have given up on these feelings? Could I have calmed down by pouring cold water on my obliviously excited emotions, saying you’re originally that kind of person so there’s nothing to be excited about?
But it’s still okay for now. Liking you isn’t that difficult for me, and I’m the most important to you. If only I could be the only one who’s unique and special to you, I think I could be somewhat satisfied even if these feelings are one-sided.
But how long can we continue like this?
‘Wasn’t it hard for mom when she broke up with dad?’
‘Hmm, it was hard. But at one time, he was incredibly special.’
‘Then what do you do?’
‘It’s still okay though.’
‘Okay?’
‘Yeah. In this world, there are things that are eternal and things that aren’t eternal…… Dad was something that wasn’t eternal for mom.’
‘Then what’s eternal for mom?’
‘What’s eternal for mom is our Seowoo, right?’
Na Jihan seems like he’ll be eternal for Yoon Seowoo, but what if Yoon Seowoo isn’t eternal for Na Jihan?
My chest suddenly felt stuffy because of that worry. But I couldn’t toss and turn freely either. That sharp-eared someone upstairs would come rushing down asking what was wrong.
How could I tell him? That my heart beats to death because of you, then becomes stuffy to death again?
While having such worries and moving carefully, I fell asleep at some point without knowing when.
“……”
A pale light flashed before my eyes. Loud white light, hurried footsteps, shouting sounds and sharp crying.
“Jihan.”
I heard a familiar name. The voice was familiar too. When I quickly turned my head, I saw Na Jihan’s mother. She looked somewhat frantic, as if she had come out in a hurry.
Where was Na Jihan? I turned my head following where her gaze was directed, but I couldn’t find him right away. It was just empty space, and beyond that, only medical staff in blue scrubs were moving with urgent steps.
“Jihan, stop Seowoo.”
“……Mom.”
“Don’t let him go in no matter what. You understand? Hold on tight.”
“Yes…… But, mom. Why……”
I could only find Na Jihan after I lowered my head. Na Jihan, who was always a little bigger than me, was sitting on the floor and looked very small and young.
Just like a 10-year-old kid.
“Why do I have to hold him? Seowoo is crying so much……”
“……”
“Seowoo says he wants to see mom. He’s asking why he can’t go in…… Seowoo’s uncle and grandmother went in…… Why can’t Seowoo go in?”
“No matter how much he cries, he can’t.”
Ah, I see. I immediately understood what situation this was. It was because I’d had this dream several times before.
Young Na Jihan was patting me frantically as he held me in his arms. Despite being equally young, he had a troubled expression as if he didn’t know what to do with this small, young thing.
He held onto me as I sat collapsed and kept whispering apologetically. Seowoo, they say you can’t. Let’s wait a little. Mom says we have to stay here. Right, I know too. Everyone else is going in but it’s too unfair that only you, Seowoo, can’t go in…….
Na Jihan, who had been saying something, looked up at his mother as if begging for help. Though he didn’t understand the situation well, his black eyes were brimming with tears as if the sadness had transferred to him.
“If he goes in now, Seowoo will live remembering that moment for the rest of his life.”
“……”
“It’s better for him to hate his aunt instead.”
It was the day of separation that came like a lightning strike. Unlike us who didn’t know the weight of death, Na Jihan’s mother alone worried about my heart that would be left behind.
Thanks to that final image I never saw forever, I could waver but not collapse even when having dreams like this. Just like now.
“When Seowoo cries, Jihan will comfort him. You can do that, right?”
I don’t remember exactly what Na Jihan answered to that, but.
“……”
“……Yoon Seowoo.”
“……”
“Yoon Seowoo, wake up.”
‘Stay by his side. So Seowoo won’t be left alone.’
“I’m here.”
“……”
“Yoon Seowoo. I’m here.”
The fact that Na Jihan had kept that promise all this time was too clear.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
