#31
Several intermittent coughs burst out. Blood from her mouth splattered directly onto his face.
An unreal sensation. He blinked blankly and wiped his cheek. As he stared helplessly at his palm, now stained red, she began vomiting blood uncontrollably.
“Mom… just hold on a little longer. Dad… Dad, wake up… Dad…”
No matter how many times he called, his father wouldn’t wake up. “Hajun…” After sobbing as if his breath would be cut off, he listened to his mother’s call. It was a tiny voice that seemed about to fade away.
“…Hajun, you must live strongly, firmly. Can you do that?”
“What are you saying, no… Don’t say things like that!”
“I love you, Hajun.”
“Mom, I love you too. I love you too. Mom… Mom…!”
After a few more coughs, his mother’s head dropped. No, no! He needed someone, anyone, to help. Instinctively, he tried to open the car door and get out, but as if it were broken somewhere, the door wouldn’t budge at all.
“Is anyone there?! Help! Someone… please…”
For several minutes, he desperately shouted while knocking on the window and kicking the car door. His urgent movements gradually slowed as time passed.
There was no way anyone would be around to help in the mountains. Even if he got out, he didn’t know what to do.
“Mom… Dad…”
He called his parents with a final hope. No miracle happened. He felt his consciousness fading as he listened to the sound of rain pouring through the broken windshield.
***
“…It was an accident that could happen to anyone. I just… never thought it would be my story.”
He finished calmly and smiled faintly. Though the story wasn’t particularly long, swallowing the emotions that surged while recalling the memories had taken more time than expected.
“After being discharged from the hospital and returning home, I couldn’t stand living there because it reminded me of my parents. I couldn’t even walk the streets of the neighborhood, let alone stay in the house. My father was raised in an orphanage, so there were no relatives to rely on in Korea. So I followed my grandmother to Japan and lived there. Just, well… I ran away.”
It was the first time he had spoken about the incident in such detail to another person. He curled up small, as if to defend himself now that everything was exposed, and pulled the blanket over his head.
He had worried he might cry while telling the story, but organizing the events objectively made even the painful memories seem diluted and quite bearable.
During the entire time he spoke about his past, and even now, Imun hadn’t said a word. Anxiety washed over him, wondering if he had made Imun uncomfortable.
Say something, please. After waiting for a response for some time while listening to his own breathing, Imun finally spoke.
“Hyung, thank you so much for telling me.”
Kind words and a gentle voice. The suppressed emotions suddenly exploded. He couldn’t even blink for fear that tears might flow at any moment.
“What’s wrong with running away? Everyone runs when they’re hurting.”
“I… Everyone else seems to overcome it well and live on forgetting. I can’t do that. Just thinking about it hurts too much… so… at some point I just gave up. I’m so stupid, aren’t I?”
He tried to pretend to be calm, but it was hard to hide the trembling in his voice. “Stop crying. You’ve cried a lot today already.” Imun’s comforting words, spoken with uncertainty, stirred his heart even more.
In the end, he couldn’t stop the tears that escaped and burst into sobs. Realizing that half-hearted comfort wasn’t helping, Imun remained silent for a while before carefully continuing.
“…Why are you trying so hard to overcome it?”
“What… do you mean?”
“Hmm… When a new choreography comes out for a song, I’m initially amazed. The dances performed by professional choreographers are really cool. The formations are extremely complex too. But I don’t worry about ‘What if I can’t do all this dance?'”
His tone was soft enough to melt ears. When Hajun turned to lie on his side, the phone pressed against his ear. It felt as if Imun was whispering right next to him.
“Instead, I practice every day, coordinating with the members. If you practice and practice again, tomorrow becomes better than today, and the day after tomorrow becomes better than tomorrow. Eventually, even to our own eyes, we end up with a pretty decent choreography.”
“Hmm…” Hajun slightly furrowed his brow as he heard Imun choosing his words.
He was well aware that behind the stage was bone-breaking effort. But it was difficult to understand why Imun was saying this now.
“What I want to say is… your mindset might need practice too. It’s about practicing a little each day, until your heart becomes stronger, until you reach a point where you feel you can handle it.”
“Ah…”
“Trying to overcome it completely from the beginning, trying to conquer it entirely, is actually unnecessary. No one can do that. So don’t blame yourself for not being able to do that one thing.”
He had never thought it was normal to be in pain. He had always thought he was pathetic for being dragged around by a single memory.
The knot in his chest, tightly wound like a ball of thread that seemed impossible to unravel, dissolved in an instant like cotton candy melting in water. Imun’s gentle words seeped into his heart like a single salvation.
He buried his face in his pillow again. For several minutes, he cried silently as if expelling all the sadness he had been holding back. When the tears wouldn’t stop even after time passed, Imun let out a small sigh.
“At times like this, it would be nice if we could drink together. I’m supposedly your only friend, but I can’t even fulfill my role properly. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t tease me!” “Haha, was I caught?” Imun, who had been joking with feigned regret, suddenly lowered his voice.
“Don’t rush yourself. Don’t constrict yourself either. Think of it as a long-distance marathon. And when you start feeling a bit better, come to Korea to see me. We have to go to a PC bang together.”
The end of his consolation, which had been nothing but serious, concluded with the same kind of enticement as usual. Having forgotten even to cry, Hajun burst out laughing, and Imun continued with even more nonsensical talk as if he had planned it.
“They say if you laugh while crying, you’ll grow horns, but I think the horns on your butt would be cute—” “Hey!” In the midst of their banter, the tears had disappeared. After wiping the remaining moisture from his eyes, Hajun muttered dejectedly.
“…It feels a bit better after talking about it. Now I understand why you always tell me when you’re having a hard time.”
“Of course. I told you I don’t just complain to you for no reason.”
While listening to Imun’s laughter, Hajun slowly lowered the blanket. His chest, which had felt stifled, now felt completely clear. After taking in a deep breath of fresh air, he gazed blankly out the window.
“Are you at home now?”
“Yes.”
“Outside your window, can you see the sky?”
“…I’m looking at it right now.”
Although they were apart, it was somewhat comforting to think they were under the same sky. I miss you especially today. He swallowed those unspoken words and smiled wryly.
His happy childhood, the days when he wanted to die, and even now. The night sky remained consistently dark yet beautiful.
***
After talking with Imun late into the night, Hajun decided to start by practicing looking at photos of his parents.
On the first day after deciding to greet his parents as soon as he woke up, he exhausted himself with games until dawn, unable to overcome his fear no matter how hard he tried. Perhaps because of that, he slept deeply without even dreaming, let alone having nightmares, and woke up feeling surprisingly refreshed.
The next day, he went to sleep as usual, half-doubting this could be real. As expected, he encountered a nightmare, but it wasn’t as devastating as before. Perhaps because he kept thinking that it was a natural phenomenon, that he should accept it without needing to overcome it, his mind remained calm even after waking up.
For the next two days, he experienced surprisingly peaceful mornings. It felt as if someone was comforting him, telling him not to worry unnecessarily. When he gathered more courage and moved the time for looking at the photos to just before going to sleep, he dreamed of his parents again that day. But from the next day on, uneventful days continued once more for a while.
The frequency of nightmares gradually decreased as time passed. On the occasional nights when he had trouble sleeping, he would reward himself by thoroughly reviewing videos of Imun’s performances. Now, after about three weeks, he had not only become accustomed to facing the past but had even gained some confidence.
“Hmm… it’s definitely getting better.”
Could a person change this much depending on their mindset? Even he was amazed at his own transformation. As he enjoyed the morning sunlight after waking up without any issues today as well, he faintly heard the sound of a vacuum cleaner from beyond the door.
Grandmother is so diligent. After giving an eye greeting to his parents in the photo, Hajun left the room with a cheerful step. Today was the day they had planned to do winter cleaning together.
*
“You could have waited a bit.” “How could I know when you’d wake up.” While taking the vacuum cleaner from his grandmother’s hands and cleaning every nook and cranny, she suddenly shouted in his ear.
“…chan, Junchan! I think something came on your phone!”
“Ack! You scared me!”
“I’ve been calling you repeatedly.”
His grandmother smiled apologetically and handed him the phone. “Even so, I almost had a heart attack.” Though he grumbled about being startled, a smile formed on his lips. Mari, who would be in school, wouldn’t have contacted him in the morning.
Certain of who it was, he checked the message for a few seconds before his eyes widened significantly. What… is this? It definitely wasn’t a message from Mari, but it wasn’t from Imun either.
“Why, what kind of message is it?” Ignoring his grandmother’s question, Hajun, who had been in a daze, was shocked after a delayed moment.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
