36.
“You…”
He was so dumbfounded that he could barely speak. The proposal to dismiss Dr. An was, quite naturally, meant to stop Choi Jae-won’s guiding ability enhancement experiments that Ryu Ho-yeon had discovered. However, judging by Choi Jae-won’s indignant “Why should I do that?” response, someone who didn’t know the situation might think Ryu Ho-yeon was making a one-sided proposal that only caused harm to Choi Jae-won. When in reality, it was exactly the opposite.
What made Ryu Ho-yeon even more bewildered wasn’t just that. This was the very first instance where Choi Jae-won—who would normally jump up even from sleep and do anything Ryu Ho-yeon asked—had actually opposed something Ryu Ho-yeon said.
Even after living together for over a year, Ryu Ho-yeon had still considered his Guide to be a sweet, cute, and gentle unrequited lover character, aside from when he was a bit more aggressive during high-level contact guiding. That’s why he felt he couldn’t just stand by and watch Choi Jae-won’s deviation, or rather voluntary exploitation.
But…
“Don’t be so harsh, Hoyeon hyung. I’ve already been scolded enough by Senior Lee Jung-hyuk. If you start too, I’ll really be upset.”
What was this unfamiliar behavior, smoothly evading and trying to steer the situation toward his own desired direction?
“Are you feeling sorry for Team Leader Kim? If that’s it, don’t worry. Just bear with me a little longer. I’ve raised our matching rate a lot. If we measure it again now, we’d be at least 75 percent, right? The total amount has also increased significantly. I’ll only aim for 80 percent. Just that far, please let me get to 80 percent. Okay?”
The difference between 75 percent and 80 percent was greater than one might think. Beyond the absolute difference in matching rate, the main distinction was that at 75 percent, imprinting with Ryu Ho-yeon was still an unattainable dream, while at 80 percent, it became a fairly realistic goal. Once the matching rate with Ryu Ho-yeon reached the minimum threshold required for imprinting, that bastard Dr. An—not just one but ten or a hundred of his kind—could be thrown to the enraged Kim Jun-young as prey.
Though the Center was full of outstanding successors who had shown decent results, including researcher Nam Su-min who was Dr. An’s successor, no one could match Dr. An’s research and experimental achievements regarding guiding abilities. It was truly a devil’s talent.
“It’s only been a few months and we’re already over 75 percent. I’m confident we can reach 80 percent within the next year. I won’t be greedy about the total amount. Once we achieve a 80 percent matching rate, I won’t care if Team Leader Kim kills him or not, so please, hyung.”
Unlike Ryu Ho-yeon’s light-colored eyes, Choi Jae-won’s completely black eyes gleamed with what might have been greed or madness, without space for even a point of light. Ryu Ho-yeon instinctively pushed away Choi Jae-won’s hand that had been unconsciously stroking his hair. He seemed not just unfamiliar but like a completely different person. Despite the loud sound, Choi Jae-won didn’t seem to mind; he just laughed once and placed his hand back on Ryu Ho-yeon’s head. The contact guiding that had been briefly interrupted resumed as if nothing had happened.
“Why go to such lengths…?”
He didn’t know how many times today he’d voiced this question—”Why are you like this?” First directed at Dr. An, then at his mother, and now at Choi Jae-won.
“I heard everything. You’ve been receiving matching rate enhancement experiments for 5 years, even before entering the Center.”
“If you heard, then you should know. Are you really asking because you don’t know why I’m doing this?”
The response was drenched in suffocating affection. At the same time, it was an answer that Ryu Ho-yeon knew but never wanted to acknowledge.
If this was what it meant to love him—placing another burden on his back in the name of love—he wanted to refuse. He was sick and tired of others being harmed for him, or because of him. Regardless of how others might objectively view it, Ryu Ho-yeon just wanted to stop hating himself. The hatred hidden beneath his twisted self-love was a very dark color. After fiercely enduring his entire life, just when he thought he might finally loosen the standards by which he scrutinized himself, another major blow struck. And it was perfectly timed to be devastating.
Though he had no right to resent, he couldn’t hide the trace of rejection in his eyes. Choi Jae-won, staring at those light eyes that sometimes looked blue in the light, asked in an emotionless, dry tone:
“What’s the problem?”
“What?”
This was outrageous. He had the nerve to ask the question that should have been Ryu Ho-yeon’s. But Choi Jae-won seemed genuinely confused in his own way.
“No matter how I think about it, I don’t understand. I want to monopolize the position as your Guide from now on. I don’t want to see you struggling because of insufficient guiding because of me. That’s why I called Dr. An. Despite everything, his skills are the best, right? I’m the one who’s in pain, I’m the one paying the price. Why are you so against it? What loss are you suffering? Isn’t it actually beneficial for you?”
“That’s exactly it! Why should you have to suffer because of my guiding…!!”
“Because I love you! Because I’m crazy about you!”
The confession burst out suddenly, like a sneeze, without any mood or context.
“Meeting you, being saved by you. I don’t know why I fell so madly in love with Ryu Ho-yeon, who doesn’t remember any of that. Damn… what can I do about already falling for you? I’d die of regret if I couldn’t have you. I need to take the place beside you by any means necessary.”
Judging by the wide, puzzled eyes, it was clear that even after saying all this, Ryu Ho-yeon still didn’t remember their first meeting. Choi Jae-won was no longer frustrated or resentful about that. He’d known what kind of person Ryu Ho-yeon was for a long time. What truly troubled Choi Jae-won was that Ryu Ho-yeon was trying to completely uproot his dim hope of imprinting with him in the near future.
“I want to stand beside you. Not someone else, but me, only me. I want to remain as your Guide. What’s wrong with that? What exactly is the problem?”
He didn’t want to let him go. He didn’t want to be released from being captivated by him either. Imprinting was the only means to permanently keep Ryu Ho-yeon—who seemed unlikely to ever give his heart—by his side, even if just physically. That’s how Choi Jae-won understood it.
“Take it lightly. You’ve always pretended not to know, even when you knew everything. It’s exactly the same.”
“…When did I, what did I pretend not to know?”
“Many things. Small things like pretending not to know I don’t have a hobby of cooking, or when I lied about liking comic books… and bigger things like how much I like you. You knew everything but pretended not to know. Am I wrong?”
Unfortunately, he wasn’t wrong. From the beginning of their cohabitation, Choi Jae-won had often told transparent lies to spend even a little more time with Ryu Ho-yeon, trying to find common topics to exchange even one more word. Although many of the lies he told had transformed into truths after a year, the fact remained that they had fundamentally started as deliberate falsehoods.
“Want to know why you pretended not to know about my lies?”
“…”
“Because it was convenient for you to live that way.”
Choi Jae-won snorted, answering his own question mockingly. Ryu Ho-yeon quickly raised his head to refute that it wasn’t like that at all, but Choi Jae-won didn’t seem to have any intention of modifying his answer.
“It’s not difficult. Just pretend not to know, like you’ve always done. It’s not like I’m asking you to do it forever. Just until we reach an 80 percent matching rate. Just until then.”
His chest felt completely constricted, as if facing an unsolvable problem. Ryu Ho-yeon frowned, and Choi Jae-won kissed between his cool eyebrows again, saying even that expression was beautiful. The guiding that was transmitted was merely sweet and ecstatic. It was lamentable.
“I’m not asking you to love me. Just, I’ll do everything on my own. I won’t get tired… You just need to pretend not to know and accept it, like you’ve always done.”
“Choi Jae-won.”
His head throbbed. Ryu Ho-yeon turned his head away and closed his eyes. Though he wasn’t sleepy, he wanted to escape from the obstinate Choi Jae-won, even if it meant pretending to sleep.
“I love you, hyung. Really, so much.”
“…”
It was a night filled endlessly with selfish sacrifice and arbitrary affection. Ryu Ho-yeon’s twenty-sixth year and Choi Jae-won’s twenty-first, which had started relatively smoothly, were ending in this miserable state.
