Chapter 119
“……”
When I closed my mouth because he guessed correctly, he smiled as if he’d expected it. Just as I felt uncomfortable, like he was sitting above my head mocking me, he must have noticed because he adjusted his posture and added in a serious tone.
“How did you feel when you heard that Luwen and I were dating?”
What do you mean, how did I feel? I was just angry that of all people, it had to be Alteo.
‘This guy really can’t be trusted.’
Just as I was about to finish the conversation with a strange sense of disappointment, a memory suddenly surfaced.
‘Our Luwen wouldn’t do that to me.’
I clearly remember thinking that. I also remember developing doubts later, which is why the memory is so distinct. And then when I started self-diagnosis…
‘I think I didn’t reach a conclusion because it seemed like I was attaching too much meaning to it.’
It would have been nice if I could just snort dismissively, but cursed association brought back the memory. The feelings I’d forgotten until now resurfaced, particularly because of how intense that morning had been. The emotions I felt when I held Luwen in my arms after being rescued from the valley and returning to the barracks.
I couldn’t name the vague feeling that rose up and gripped my heart. I just wanted to cherish and hold him preciously. I simply enjoyed that something sweet, pleasant, and comfortably warm that filled me completely.
‘…Ah.’
The reason I kept dwelling on an incident I should have dismissed as trivial.
The reason I couldn’t eat the rubiberry Luwen offered me on the carriage ride back.
The reason my feverish symptoms worsened whenever I saw him.
It all led to one conclusion.
‘Good heavens.’
I… Luwen…
I wasn’t a fool; I was just late in recognizing it because it was my first time. My head buzzed with the shocking conclusion. Even if I tried to deny it, my past self was clearly insisting.
That I liked Luwen, in a special way.
With this realization, my heart began to race with excitement. The pounding was so loud that it felt like my heart had moved to my ears.
And my face grew hot too.
‘…Love?’
But the next moment, everything cooled down as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t imagine a happy future at all.
I knew very well how much influence I had over Luwen.
‘If he learns about my feelings…’
Perhaps he might accept me. Even if his feelings aren’t the same as mine, he might do it for my sake.
‘He’ll think he owes me a debt, so he might sacrifice himself to repay it.’
In that case, he would surely notice the difference in the intensity of our feelings. I would end up in the position of begging for love again. I would have to feel that miserable feeling again. It might even be more terrible than in my previous life.
‘Then I would doubt Luwen’s every move and become obsessed with keeping him by my side.’
As a result, he might grow tired of me, or I might come to resent him. Why can’t he return the same love? I would cling to him, begging him to love me.
In my previous life, until my mother abandoned me—no, even after being abandoned—I couldn’t even change my phone number. Hoping that perhaps she might contact me. I foolishly waited, thinking that since I had become somewhat famous, she might call even if just for money.
‘…Even I think I’m quite awful, don’t I?’
It seemed better to maintain our current relationship than to show my pathetic side down to the bottom. If I gave up from the start, if I dismissed it as if it never happened, I could continue to stay with Luwen harmoniously.
‘If I just behave properly, our relationship won’t fall apart.’
I can keep him by my side until he leaves to find his own place. I had to be satisfied with that. That was my position.
“Could you give me some water?”
“Oh, sure. Just a moment.”
Alteo hurriedly stood up, perhaps seeing that my mood was not normal.
I buried myself deep in the sofa, turning away from him, and closed my eyes to quietly gaze into the dark world. Wondering if there might be some other path.
But there was only darkness. No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t imagine being with the person I loved.
‘The future alone is clearly visible, almost within reach…’
But when I assumed we were together, it turned into complete darkness. It felt exactly like the future after he discovered my feelings, so I decided to hide behind an even more perfect mask than usual. Paradoxically, this time I needed to put on my past shell.
‘I must appear the same.’
So that Luwen wouldn’t feel anything amiss.
* * *
“Young master, are you in?”
Luwen had beads of sweat on his forehead, as if he’d hurried back. I smiled gently and pulled my sleeve to wipe away his sweat. He seemed to enjoy it, closing his eyes softly and lowering his head.
“Did you run here?”
“Yes. If you weren’t in the dormitory, I would have had to escort you from the medical department.”
Luwen said with a playful tone, opening one eye slightly. If it had been morning, I would surely have blushed. But now, there was only a throbbing pain near my heart. That was fortunate.
After gently removing my hand and stepping back, I asked seeing that Luwen’s mood still seemed good.
“Did something good happen?”
“Your fever seems to have gone down.”
“…Is that so.”
Pretending not to know, I pressed my cheek with my hand, and Luwen touched my forehead and smiled comfortably.
“If you don’t have a fever tomorrow morning, we can go out together in the afternoon.”
“Oh, really? You promised not to move for a week though?”
“It’s fine since there are conditions.”
How long had it been since I’d seen that comfortable smile? But considering the reason my symptoms had improved, I didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. Whatever the case, there was only one emotion I could show, so I nodded enthusiastically with great joy.
“It would be nice to go out together. Since it’s a special occasion, should I cook something you like?”
“Really?”
Luwen thrust his face forward and his eyes sparkled.
“Yes. Tell me if there’s anything you want to eat.”
Starting tomorrow, the welcome ceremony will begin for a week. Although visits from outsiders are strictly prohibited, students are free to go out after the mandatory morning events end. High officials from the imperial palace will be touring the academy from the second day, and they’ll be entertained in the main hall in the afternoon.
So we decided to go out to buy groceries for a week to cook for ourselves. Since we don’t know where the First Prince might be wandering, Luwen and I won’t go to the dining hall and will stay confined to the dormitory.
‘It would have been troublesome if it wasn’t the student council dormitory.’
Although going out was possible, overnight stays were not allowed, so it would have been a headache for meals if we were in a regular dormitory where cooking wasn’t possible. If I had sent Luwen alone, I would have been anxious about him catching the First Prince’s eye, and if I went myself, there were quite a few people who would recognize me at a glance.
It was good that we could just stay quietly in the dormitory, but… there was a separate problem.
‘Alone with Luwen for a week.’
Will I be okay?
I felt burdened because of my newly realized feelings. I wondered if it might be better to invite our former roommates for a lively gathering. Of course, I also wanted to spend time quietly together because time with Luwen was precious.
‘My past self would definitely have preferred spending time together.’
If I thought about it that way, there was only one answer.
‘But Luwen will surely stick right by my side.’
I wasn’t confident I could endure it. I was worried that I might unknowingly falter and let my feelings leak out.
‘This is annoying. Having to worry while being with Luwen.’
No matter how much I tried to trace back, I couldn’t figure out when or how my feelings had changed. I could only guess that they had changed little by little, gradually, like being slowly dyed.
If Alteo hadn’t pointed it out, it probably would have taken me much longer to realize. Still, since it was a feeling I had to give up anyway, I couldn’t help thinking that would have been better.
‘Should I not have asked?’
I should have just gone on without knowing. But then Luwen’s face would have continued to be clouded. I wouldn’t have been able to see him excitedly contemplating what to ask me to make, like now.
‘Yes, focus on the good points.’
Between Luwen and me, if one person had to be in the shadows, it should be me. Because if Luwen is happy, I will eventually be happy too.
“Are you having trouble thinking of what you want to eat? Why is it taking so long~”
When I spoke teasingly, Luwen laughed again.
For a moment, I swallowed dryly. The affection in his long eyes was so tender that I wanted to believe it was a mistake. A sweet voice popped out from those thick lips that looked so serious.
“Not at all. I’m just contemplating because there are so many things I want to eat.”
Feeling like my voice might tremble if I answered immediately, I had to gather my breath, disguising it with a smiling face. I couldn’t keep looking at Luwen, so I lowered my gaze.
Even looking at his well-extended neck was burdensome, so I looked a little lower and noticed his firm chest. Though he was wearing the school uniform, I knew the temperature and firmness of that chest.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
Oh my poor Fei, I feel his pains seriously this is torturous!!
I wanna say that I love how he immediately looked on how their relationship could become toxic (on his end) because he knows how damaged he’d been by those he loved and abandoned him before. He doesn’t want to go through that pain again neither to cause it to Luwen.
but at the same time him choosing Luwen’s happiness (or what he thinks is what Luwen’s happiness is) is only going to hurt him again. Fei let me give you a hug seriously. I love this man so much, I hope the one sided love will end soon. Ofc our dear Lu will step up eventually, to me it seems like Luwen’s already has feelings for Fei but just as him doesn’t know what to call those feelings because he has never felt that before.
so we have mutual liking, we just need Luwen to give Fei words of affirmation, Fei tends to overthink but if there’s something that’s sure is that Luwen’s will always keep it clear with him.
i was also wondering when he fell in love with Lu. Going back to my rant/theory on how they might have already met eachother in a past life/regression sort of thing I think some of those feelings are attached to that but without his memories he wouldn’t know, plus I agree he fell in love gradually without knowing.