Chapter 187
“Strange. Today you’re not pushing me away?”
He comes into my arms with a bright smile. But the next moment, as if pulled by something, Fei moved away. With a terrified expression, he struggles and reaches out his hand.
Not wanting to see what follows, Luwen closed his eyes.
Splash!
‘Damn it!’
The pungent smell of blood. But no wailing sounds were heard. Only faint whispers.
“…It’s… alright. I’m… satisfied… with this…”
What satisfaction is he talking about? What on earth!
‘Young Master!’
Where is his real Fei? Why must he keep seeing his death, and hearing his final words? Where do these horrific moments come from, and when can they end?
He felt like he was losing his mind. Yet Luwen maintained his sanity, perhaps because of the thought that Fei might be somewhere in this space.
That’s why he kept moving constantly. He ran and ran through a space with no discernible end, stopping when he heard Fei’s voice. This was the repeating pattern.
Luwen had seen countless deaths, too many to count. And naturally, he began to understand. The ways Fei died varied, but the reason was singular.
Sacrifice.
Fei called it his selfishness, but to Luwen, it was nothing of the sort.
Of course, in some ways, it could be considered selfish. It was a choice made without considering the pain and longing of those left behind.
‘But it was all for me and the Lady.’
Luwen himself was especially the issue. As if his death was predetermined in every path, and stopping it was Fei’s destiny. Sometimes, the relationship between the Lady and Fei was permanently damaged. Even Luwen didn’t view Fei favorably, but somehow, after time passed, they loved each other.
And Fei, like a moth to a flame, unhesitatingly leaped into danger and died.
‘All because of me.’
What were all these visions? Was he seeing the past, the future? Reality, or illusions? He couldn’t discern anything.
“Luwen!”
Again. Again, his voice.
What kind of death would he have to witness this time? He wanted to look away. Perhaps it would be better if he didn’t see, didn’t hear.
But he had to look.
“How did you end up here?”
As Luwen turned his gaze toward the voice, he froze. It was his own voice. This was the first time he had heard his own voice, not Fei’s.
“Where is this place?”
“A place with numerous corpses.”
The content of the conversation was also different from before. In that moment, Luwen realized that the real Fei was conversing with someone who had taken his appearance and voice.
The voice echoed from all directions, making it difficult to pinpoint the exact location. He stopped walking, closed his eyes, and listened to the continuing conversation, trying to find the direction. Thinking that even in this peculiar space, he might be able to find a presence rather than just sound.
“We’re lovers, aren’t we? We even promised to run away together if things went wrong. Why are you acting like this?”
Fei… that’s right. He was here. The one who promised to run away together if things went wrong. That could only be the Fei he knew.
“…Are you and I dating, Young Master?”
Luwen gritted his teeth at the imposter’s counter-question. His voice was full of envy, surprise, and greed.
“Who are you? Are you really Luwen?”
It was at that moment that Fei recognized the imposter. His presence, which seemed carefully hidden, was finally felt. The faint scent of roses could also be detected.
Luwen, having determined the direction, dashed forward. In a brief moment, light shone into the previously dark space. Fei was in front of the light source. Luwen, with wide eyes, urgently propelled himself forward. He had no time to think, as a suspicious figure was holding Fei.
But the distance didn’t close. It was like a mirage you might see in a desert.
‘No, this is not an illusion.’
His sharp senses told him this was reality. What was before him was his Fei.
“Young Master!”
The light grew larger and eventually swallowed Fei. Not knowing what space lay beyond that light, Luwen desperately called out, extending his hand, but it seemed unheard. Fei’s gaze at the man before him looked somewhat tender.
Just as he was about to shout that it was a fake, Fei disappeared into the light. Only his outstretched arm remained, grasping the imposter. His determination was evident in his tightly clenched hand, as if he would never let go.
“Young Master-!”
He raised his voice again, but it didn’t seem to reach Fei.
After the light disappeared, nothing remained. Neither Fei nor the imposter.
Thud.
Luwen fell to his knees. Was it because he had seen the light? The darkness seemed to deepen. He couldn’t see anything. Nothing at all.
Step. Step.
Hearing footsteps that revealed their presence as if they had been waiting, Luwen laughed bitterly. He loved the sound of his footsteps mixing with Fei’s. He always listened attentively when they walked quietly, so he couldn’t mistake them for anyone else’s.
The name “Luwen” that Fei called. The footsteps identical to his own. The countless images of Fei he had seen. Then…
“Is it me?”
How many “me’s” are there in this place?
“Originally, it would have ended.”
Instead of answering, “it” spoke its own words, but Luwen rather felt this situation was natural.
“What would have?”
“Life.”
A faint light formed in his hand. It was a blue color similar to his sword energy.
Instinctively, he turned his head toward the light. The moment when the building collapsed unfolded slowly within the light. Inside a not-too-wide but cozy blue sphere, he and Fei were present. Debris falling from above turned to dust and scattered as soon as it touched the sphere.
“It doesn’t look like you would die.”
“If the time and experiences accumulated inside you hadn’t burst in your unconscious, you would have died.”
Luwen pondered the man’s words and smirked. His statement was as good as telling him that all those deaths he had witnessed were not illusions.
“The fact that you and the Young Master came here is proof of that.”
“…The Young Master disappeared beyond the light. Is he safe?”
“Yes.”
“And me?”
“Originally, you would have died.”
Again, “originally.”
Luwen looked at the man. It was still a dark world, but he could make out the man’s appearance. He looked exactly like himself, as if that’s how he might look a few years from now. He was wearing unfamiliar clothes, but nevertheless, that was… yes, himself.
“Then can I return to his side?”
“Is that all you’re curious about?”
“No. But that’s the most important thing.”
It’s not that he wasn’t puzzled about where this place was or why he found himself in such a situation. But for Luwen, returning to Fei’s side was the most important. If he couldn’t wake up like this, Fei would be sad.
But on the other hand, it was enough for him to know that Fei was safe. If his life was needed as the price for saving that person, he would gladly give it.
Then, as if reading his thoughts, the man said:
“You must live. Only then will he live.”
“What do you mean?”
When he waved his hand, the scenery changed. Upon seeing it, Luwen frowned.
“Young Master?”
Fei was standing precariously on the edge of a cliff. Pale complexion, rough lips, disheveled and dry hair. The atmosphere emanating from the unfamiliar expressionless face was ominous.
“Hey! Why are you showing me this?”
As Luwen shouted, Fei threw himself off. Reflexively, he reached out his hand, but there was no way he could catch him.
That wasn’t the end. Scenes of Fei committing suicide continued one after another. Sometimes, he would pass away under Irene’s devoted care and tear-soaked worry, not eating or sleeping.
Moreover, while Fei had looked satisfied in the deaths seen until now, he didn’t in these. He was writhing in inescapable sorrow.
“What are you doing!”
Not wanting to see any more, he grabbed the man by the collar and threatened him, but the man only gazed at the illusions with eyes condensed with pain. Belatedly, Luwen realized that he too was suffering as much as himself. He had to know. Because he was himself.
“Your death ultimately kills him.”
The man spoke as Luwen dropped the hand that had grabbed his collar.
“Are these… all memories?”
“Yes and no. Thanks to them, I realized it’s better not to remember anything.”
Luwen understood the meaning of those words. If he knew such a future could come, he wouldn’t be able to approach Fei as he does now. Instead, he would push him away, wishing for him to hate himself, to not love him.
‘Then there would be no chance of him dying because of me, nor would he despair over my death.’
But wouldn’t the man have had the same thoughts? Luwen had also seen the results of pushing Fei away.
Yet it seemed that he still loved him. It was an affection whose depth couldn’t be fathomed.
Luwen had grown up receiving Fei’s love. He thought he knew how much he loved him. But he didn’t think that even without memories, Fei would love again, give affection again, to the extent of sacrificing himself.
That fact was both sad and joyful. It was upsetting but overwhelming.
‘…Such a future will never come to us.’
He would ensure it wouldn’t. Without anyone’s sacrifice, both of them would face the future intact. He would greet tomorrow, full and content, spending leisurely time with Fei.
Having resolved this, Luwen asked the man:
“How can I change it?”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
