Chapter 119
Eunseong’s breathing began to quicken again. He was gasping as if hyperventilating.
“…Eunseong.”
“Ah, ah, what do I do? Ah, what, Dad. What do I do… Dad… Because I said those things, I, I… Because of me, because of me…”
His father, who had fled and lived in hiding from the family because of him. A wretched, inferior person who would resort to violence whenever he felt small or poor. Even his own accursed lips that had said such a person’s death would be a benefit to the world.
Eunseong buried his face in Yoo Siwoon’s shoulder and cried for a long time again. But as if he had accepted it to some degree, his crying didn’t continue endlessly like before. He leaned into the comforting hand that gently stroked his back, eventually stopping his tears and barely opening his swollen eyes.
“Drink some water.”
Eunseong nodded at Yoo Siwoon’s suggestion. He emptied the cup of water Yoo Siwoon handed him. He turned his gaze toward Yoo Siwoon, who was carefully wiping his face with a cold towel.
“…Where is my father now?”
“Do you want to see him?”
“…Yes.”
“Now?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t we go tomorrow, after you’ve rested and recovered a bit?”
“Now… I want to go now. Right now… now, I’m going now.”
Yoo Siwoon let out a low sigh. He gripped Eunseong’s shoulders, supporting his body that kept threatening to collapse.
“You should eat something, regain your strength before paying your respects.”
“…Now, I want to go now.”
“If you go looking like this, your father will worry more. He must think you’re doing well… he must think you’re getting by fine.”
After bringing Eunseong here, promising to protect him from this dangerous family, Yoo Siwoon now despicably tried to soothe him. He knew well what Director Nam meant by shameless, insane actions. He wasn’t unaware. The person who knew best what he was doing was Yoo Siwoon himself. Eunseong was merely justifying all his insane actions.
Beauty, the allure toward someone, could stand above all morality, and Eunseong was the mate he had waited for his entire life in a void, without even realizing it. He was an existence that overwhelmed his entire life. If he didn’t do this, it would drive him even crazier. What was in his heart wasn’t greed to impregnate Eunseong and do something to the world, but purely, without a single lie, transparent love.
“If you go with your face all swollen like this… hmm?”
“…Then I’ll eat something, wash up clean, and go after that.”
“Yes, let’s do that.”
Yoo Siwoon barely managed to persuade the stubborn Eunseong.
Eunseong forced himself to swallow the porridge Yoo Siwoon had prepared for him, despite it hardly going down his throat. He washed his swollen face with cold water to reduce the puffiness and put on good clothes. He changed into clothes that would make his father think he looked mature if he saw him. Though they hadn’t discussed it, Yoo Siwoon had also changed into formal attire.
“It looks like it might be cold. Let’s put on one more layer.”
Looking at Eunseong’s outfit, Yoo Siwoon brought a coat for him to wear and wrapped a muffler around him, covering half his face.
Eunseong got into the car Yoo Siwoon was driving. It was an outing he couldn’t remember when he’d last done. Looking back, it was the first time he had passed through the gate and gone out since his petty revenge on Kim Dongjun.
He had been confined in Yoo Siwoon’s house for two months. Confined without even realizing he was confined. Feeling somewhat chilled, Eunseong glanced at Yoo Siwoon driving.
Looking a bit tired, Yoo Siwoon felt his gaze and glanced sideways. When their eyes met, he gave a faint, gentle, and serene smile. His eyes somehow seemed empty and sad.
“You’re not crying anymore.”
“…”
“When you were crying so much earlier, I thought you might dissolve away.”
“…”
“I regretted telling you.”
“…I’m the one who asked you to find him. It was my request. Because it’s my business, I needed to know. You only did what I asked.”
The justification for his tears didn’t make sense even to Eunseong himself. It seemed like he hadn’t cried because his father died, or because he heard the bad news, but because he couldn’t bear the vivid memories of the blame and derision he had directed at his father. It was an emotion too destructively powerful for Eunseong to handle.
As he thought about it, a tear streamed down his cheek. Afraid Yoo Siwoon would worry, Eunseong roughly wiped the tear away with the back of his hand and pulled up his muffler to hide his face.
His car drove quietly through the dark night road. There were few vehicles on the road, and the sky was pitch black. Eunseong reached for Yoo Siwoon’s arm resting on the center console and held his hand. He intertwined their fingers, squeezed tightly for a moment, then adjusted to a comfortable grip.
Yoo Siwoon, who had been holding the steering wheel and watching the road, turned to look at Eunseong.
“…My hand is cold.”
Eunseong shook his head, indicating it wasn’t that kind of coldness as he prevented Yoo Siwoon from releasing his hand to turn up the heater. Yoo Siwoon quietly let Eunseong hold his hand. His thumb habitually rubbed the back of Eunseong’s hand where it wrapped around his. Their body heat warmly enveloped each other.
Yoo Siwoon occasionally looked at Eunseong while driving. Eunseong was lost in thought, slowly blinking his eyes. Although his eyes were red as if he might burst into tears at the slightest touch, his grief seemed somewhat resolved.
After all, he was a man who had raised Eunseong with unclear guilt despite not sharing any blood. Still, a person called father had died. Eunseong was acknowledging and accepting his death. He was quietly coming to terms with the bond of father.
Yoo Siwoon realized anew, as Director Nam had pointed out, that his feelings were not normal. The emotion making his heart surge now was, strangely enough, exultation. This sensation, sparking and burning like flames, was clearly joy and jubilation.
Eunseong had become perfectly alone.
There was no one. Now truly no one.
Yoo Siwoon was only now realizing that with Eunseong learning of Seo Jeong-gi’s death, the last tie connecting Eunseong to anyone else had vanished—not when he first learned of his death, but now as he sensed Eunseong coming to terms with it.
Seo Jeong-gi’s death, which had only been perplexing and pitiful, had become joy. It had become ecstasy.
Because there was no one by Eunseong’s side.
Except for himself… There was no one at all.
And Eunseong, who unconsciously knew this, was preciously holding Yoo Siwoon’s hand—the hand of the only person he depended on and loved.
After driving in silence for about an hour, they arrived at a memorial park on the outskirts of Seoul. Eunseong got out of the car with Yoo Siwoon. Feeling awkward without the usual bodyguards following them, Eunseong looked up at Yoo Siwoon, who was gripping his hand.
“It’s this way.”
“Isn’t it too late? Can we still get in? Haven’t they closed the gates?”
“I arranged it in advance.”
“…”
Eunseong gripped his hand even tighter.
Eunseong’s father, Seo Jeong-gi, was enshrined in a white ash urn in the columbarium. The urn, inscribed with his birth date, death date, and name, sat alone behind the glass of the columbarium.
Yoo Siwoon and Eunseong stood in front of it, staring at the urn for a long time.
“…There’s no photo. No flowers either.”
“Shall we bring some?”
“I’ll bring them later, I guess. I’ll bring them for you later, Dad.”
“…”
He had worried needlessly that Eunseong might collapse into sobs again. Contrary to expectations, Eunseong was just staring steadily at the urn with composure. Yoo Siwoon gave Eunseong ample time to mourn Seo Jeong-gi.
“I’m sorry, Dad.”
“…”
Eunseong said something quietly. Because there was no one else, even speaking softly, the person standing beside him couldn’t help but hear. Yoo Siwoon quietly listened to Eunseong’s words on behalf of Seo Jeong-gi.
“Because I hated you… I really hated you, so I’m sorry. Your life was ruined because of me. Though you ruined parts of it yourself. You won’t deny that, right?”
“…”
His throat tightened. That’s why he had deliberately tried not to speak, because if he started saying anything, his emotions might collapse like an uncontrollable flood, and he wouldn’t be able to contain the overflowing regret. But his throat soon became hot, and choked-up words poured out.
Still trying to hold back his rising tears, Eunseong unconsciously gripped Yoo Siwoon’s hand harder, much harder.
“Why did you hang out with bad people? So stupidly. You’re really… hopeless.”
“…”
“I’m sorry for saying you’re hopeless. I’m not sorry at all when I think about what you did to me, but still, I’m sorry for my harsh words… for speaking carelessly.”
“…”
“I… I’m doing well with Uncle, I’m going to live well, so don’t worry—not that you would worry about me anyway, you’re that kind of person. But, but still, I want to tell you. That I’m doing well, that I’ll continue to do well.”
“…”
“I’m going to New York soon. Do you know where New York is? It’s in America. I’m going there with Uncle. He says he went to university there. Dad, come visit if you want. We’ll have a dog and take walks in Central Park. I’ve already seen it on YouTube, and it’s really nice there.”
‘I’m happy, so don’t worry.’
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
