If one took the elevator to the third floor of the hotel’s East Wing, before entering the corridor leading to the guest rooms, one would pass through a spacious lounge laid with a thick carpet. Several long, arched windows were set into the wall, offering a view of the sea at night and the occasional lit-up vessel.
A few years ago, when Zhuang Xu had first come to Licheng, he had stayed at this hotel twice, so he was relatively familiar with the environment. He led Li Shanqing on a detour, away from the crowd and upstairs to this somewhat hard-to-find spot, wanting to escape the gazes of the other guests and make things clearer to Li Shanqing: since they had no contact in private, they should also refrain from approaching each other in public.
Zhuang Xu had no interest, nor any intention, of playing along with Li Shanqing’s physical chase game in a public setting.
Li Shanqing said nothing, quietly following him out of the elevator.
Arriving at the secret spot, the noise and clamor of the banquet were completely shut out. Zhuang Xu walked to a sofa chair used for resting and turned back to see Li Shanqing had also stopped.
The lounge was very dark. Perhaps it was a trick of the light, but Li Shanqing’s cheeks suddenly seemed less full, the red of his lips had faded, and even the sparkle in his eyes had diminished, replaced by a touch of gloom and sharpness. The self-righteous willfulness, characteristic of a child spoiled by family, that he sometimes showed when they first met years ago, was nowhere to be found.
For a second, Zhuang Xu had a supposition born of emotion: Li Shanqing didn’t look as healthy as he had at first glance by the pool.
But this had nothing to do with Zhuang Xu, so he promptly cut off his line of thought.
After being broken up with, and then being asked in a joking tone to remain friends after the breakup, Zhuang Xu should have freed himself from this habitual observation and analysis. This was what he had always demanded of himself.
“What is it?” Zhuang Xu asked in a businesslike manner. “If I’m not mistaken, we shouldn’t have any work-related dealings.”
Li Shanqing didn’t answer right away. He reached out, wanting to touch Zhuang Xu.
Zhuang Xu moved to the side, taking a step back to avoid the touch. Li Shanqing paused for a moment, but unlike in the past, his eyes didn’t show shock and hurt before he immediately started complaining. He just blinked at Zhuang Xu. “It’s not like I’m carrying a virus. You won’t even let me touch you?”
Zhuang Xu didn’t speak. Li Shanqing then asked lightly, “No way, eight hundred little roses, you just threw them away like that? So cruel. You really didn’t know the flowers were from me?”
“And I can’t throw them away even if I know?” Zhuang Xu heard his own voice, low but clear.
The moment he said it, he immediately felt he shouldn’t have answered. Based on past experience, any response given to Li Shanqing could easily be seized upon and magnified.
But in the next moment, he found that Li Shanqing had, in fact, truly changed. The former arrogance and irascibility were gone, replaced by maturity. It seemed a part of the emotions and temper that used to surface so easily had vanished from him in the past year, due to something that had happened.
Because upon hearing Zhuang Xu’s words, Li Shanqing merely tilted his head slightly, as if finding it amusing, and smiled at Zhuang Xu. “Huh? What do you mean? So did you know they were from me or not?”
“Did you not see my note either?” Li Shanqing asked again, slowly. “My handwritten birthday wish for you, sent by express air mail to Binhai Port. Others can’t get one even if they wanted to.”
—Who were these “others”?
The next moment, Zhuang Xu realized his initial reaction was incorrect, surmising it was due to the strange atmosphere of the lounge and Li Shanqing’s overly low voice. He then successfully shook off the thought, succeeding in remaining unmoved by Li Shanqing. “If it’s so precious, you can save it for someone else.”
“I don’t want to,” Li Shanqing retorted immediately. “There is no one else.”
Li Shanqing’s voice was slow and soft, carrying a mystery and provocation rarely seen before. But his words were meaningless. Zhuang Xu’s patience was wearing thin. “Do you have business with me or not?”
Zhuang Xu hadn’t thought of his name in a long time, and he was unwilling to say it now, so he didn’t. The only thing Zhuang Xu had to do today in this lounge was to stop Li Shanqing’s behavior of chasing him around without regard for others’ eyes, and make him stop. Just as he was about to continue his warning, Li Shanqing spoke. “Of course I do.”
“Of course I do. Zhuang Xu, you’re in such a bad mood now,” Li Shanqing told him. “I really have a problem I need you to help me solve.”
“You know, I’ve been very troubled lately.”
Li Shanqing looked at Zhuang Xu’s face. He wanted to pretend to be a little shy, but the face he had been thinking about at night was finally in front of him. Even if it was as cold as ice and wouldn’t let him touch, he couldn’t quite act it out. So he leaned in a little closer and carefully revealed his secret, “Zhuang Xu, do you usually masturbate?”
As these words fell, Zhuang Xu could finally no longer ignore Li Shanqing.
He seemed to doubt if he had heard correctly, his eyes even widening slightly. The coldness in his gaze lessened as he stared, stunned, at Li Shanqing. He subconsciously took a slight step back, and only after a few seconds did he say, “Li Shanqing, do you have any idea what you’re saying?”
Of course, Li Shanqing knew what he was saying, so he didn’t respond to that but instead pressed on, “Do you or don’t you?”
“…” Zhuang Xu looked at Li Shanqing as if he were a hot potato.
Though the light was dim, Li Shanqing saw him seem to clench his jaw, the muscle in his cheek twitching, before he heard him say coldly, “I don’t.”
“Really?” Li Shanqing was slightly disappointed, but he didn’t give up. “I thought since you’re so much older than me, you would have started long ago.”
Zhuang Xu was silent, his expression not looking very good. Li Shanqing observed this and continued, “I was even going to apologize to you. It was my fault back then, getting an extra room when we were dating. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
He reflected with relative sincerity, “But you kissed me. Don’t you feel anything at all?”
“…Feel what?” Though Zhuang Xu’s voice was cold, there was an undisguisable incredulity in his tone.
Li Shanqing had been very unrestrained lately. In certain moments of abandon, on the very brink of reason’s collapse, he had basically imagined every possible scenario in his head. But he had never expected that Zhuang Xu, four years his senior, would be even more averse to this topic than he was.
Yet Zhuang Xu’s face was truly handsome. His suit fit him snugly, giving him an air of pampered elegance. He held his back perfectly straight, carrying an inviolable quality that made Li Shanqing want to destroy it.
And perhaps because Zhuang Xu was genuinely shocked by Li Shanqing’s words, a crack appeared in his defenses, revealing a hint of a living person’s anger. This confused the line between reality and illusion for Li Shanqing. He was mesmerized, forgot his explanation, raised his hand, moved closer to Zhuang Xu, grabbed his tie, and pulled him down towards himself.
Zhuang Xu must have still been in a daze, not anticipating Li Shanqing’s move. He didn’t have time to stop it and was easily pulled down, allowing Li Shanqing to successfully kiss his lips.
Two cool lips, as soft as he remembered, but one thing was different from when they kissed in the hotel room.
Zhuang Xu didn’t open his mouth this time, as if feeling nothing at all, though for some reason, he didn’t immediately push Li Shanqing away.
Li Shanqing suspected Zhuang Xu hadn’t processed what was happening. He took the opportunity to open his mouth, gently sucking on Zhuang Xu’s lower lip, prying his mouth open.
They had only had one real kiss. Li Shanqing had understood nothing at the time, muddled and with no deep impression. In the past few months, he had studied numerous films and simulated many different scenarios and degrees of intimacy in his mind.
However, kissing Zhuang Xu again in the dim lounge, he finally felt that the temperature, appearance, and physical sensation of the real Zhuang Xu was something he could never have imagined, no matter how much he fantasized.
Although Zhuang Xu wasn’t cooperating, he allowed Li Shanqing to take what he wanted. As Li Shanqing kissed him, he started to feel aroused and wanted to know if Zhuang Xu was reacting. He let go of the tie and his hand started to move downwards, but before it could touch anything, his wrist was firmly grasped.
Zhuang Xu’s grip wasn’t extremely forceful, but it was a strength Li Shanqing couldn’t break free from. He also swiftly pulled away from Li Shanqing’s lips. “Li Shanqing, are you done playing?”
His cold gaze silently declared that Li Shanqing’s efforts just now had been futile.
“I wasn’t playing,” Li Shanqing pleaded aggrievedly. Seeing Zhuang Xu so calm while he himself still wanted to press against him felt extremely unfair. He couldn’t help but open his mouth to complain, “I thought you wanted it too. No way, don’t you have physical needs?”
“Li Shanqing,” Zhuang Xu probably had no intention of responding to any topic related to this. He released his wrist. “What on earth are you trying to do?”
His tone was one of utmost chastity, but Li Shanqing saw that his lips were glistening from being kissed. He felt that these mood-killing words weren’t so discouraging after all and retorted righteously, “What do you mean, what am I trying to do? Didn’t you force a kiss on me too? We weren’t even dating then. Why is it not okay for me to kiss you now?”
Zhuang Xu was stunned by his words for a few seconds before he managed to utter, “Then we’re even now.”
“How are we even?” Li Shanqing felt a rare sense of being able to bully him and wanted to laugh, saying smugly, “You didn’t resist just now, so it doesn’t count as a forced kiss.”
Perhaps Li Shanqing was still too shameless, which made Zhuang Xu decide to ignore him completely. Zhuang Xu reverted to his previous state and said to Li Shanqing, “I’m leaving.”
“Don’t,” Li Shanqing chased after him, trying to block him, but failed. So he said from behind, “Then I’ll just keep chasing you when we get downstairs.”
“That’s your business,” Zhuang Xu said without turning back. “Since there’s no work to discuss, I won’t play your games with you again.” His expression and tone carried a disgust that Li Shanqing could not ignore.
Li Shanqing had been trained by the past year of attacks and even insults to rarely show any emotion, thinking his heart couldn’t possibly hurt anymore. For some reason, seeing the look in Zhuang Xu’s eyes, he froze for a moment and realized that while sadness was rare, it could still exist.
And there was more sadness than he had imagined. He felt as if he couldn’t walk. He stood on the spot, watching Zhuang Xu. Zhuang Xu walked a few steps, and for some reason, his pace slowed.
When he reached the elevator, Zhuang Xu pressed the ‘down’ button. The elevator arrived quickly. The doors opened, casting a yellow halo of light on him. Still for an unknown reason, Zhuang Xu turned his head and glanced at Li Shanqing.
Zhuang Xu’s lips were dry, but they had been reddened slightly by Li Shanqing’s kiss. Coupled with the warm-toned light, he looked less unapproachable. He didn’t step into the elevator. After a short while, without looking at Li Shanqing, he opened his mouth and asked, “Do you know the way?”
The moment he finished asking, the elevator doors closed automatically.
Li Shanqing said, “I don’t know the way,” and was unwilling to walk forward. He thought that after saying goodbye to Zhuang Xu this time, he didn’t know when he would be able to catch him again. When they would be able to meet.
Towards Zhuang Xu, his rational mind knew he shouldn’t get too close, but his heart couldn’t stay away. When they weren’t meeting, he could be full of bold, sensual fantasies. Only when they met did he realize that he thought up all those wicked scenarios, violating Zhuang Xu, to actually cover up a disorderly bewilderment and sadness.
The good thing was, integrity and kindness still formed the bedrock of Zhuang Xu’s personality. Zhuang Xu didn’t abandon the Li Shanqing who was pretending not to know the way. After waiting for a while, he walked over and said to Li Shanqing in a low voice, “If you don’t know the way, then follow me down.”
Li Shanqing hummed in agreement. Watching Zhuang Xu approach slowly in the darkness like a deity he could never possess, his usually deficient sense of security became even more deficient, and his low sense of morality sank even lower. He stood motionless until Zhuang Xu was in front of him. He was tempted again, lifted his face, and once more, grabbed the tie before him, the one he had messed up and which hadn’t yet been straightened.
