Without having experienced it himself, Li Shanqing would not have believed that a person could go from twenty years of unwavering confidence to complete self-isolation; to completely strip away the habits of loving to be close to others, enjoying jokes, and being enthusiastic and naive from his personality, in just a few short months.
In early January, on Zhuang Xu’s birthday, it was the last moment of lingering warmth between Li Shanqing and Zhuang Xu.
Twelve o’clock in the morning in Binhai was eight o’clock in the morning in Fancheng. The weather in Fancheng was clear that day, the sun gently illuminating the blinds with a white, holy light. Li Shanqing called Zhuang Xu to wish him a happy birthday.
If sound could be transformed into a visual, Zhuang Xu’s voice would perhaps be like gentle silverware, with a silk-like smoothness. He said with a smile in his tone, “Thank you, good morning.”
“I’ve ordered flowers and a cake for you, they’ll be delivered to your house during the day,” Li Shanqing told him, “and there’s a jacket that I think suits you very well, you have to like it, you know?”
Both of them had very weak material desires. Li Shanqing did not usually go shopping, so he did not know what to give as a gift. He searched online for a long time and finally chose a piece of clothing that he thought Zhuang Xu might wear.
“After it arrives, remember to wear it and take a picture for me,” Li Shanqing said, picking up the small rabbit ornament that he had recently been keeping on the coffee table in his room, the one he had forcibly taken from Zhuang Xu’s office, and caressed the rabbit’s ears with his fingertip.
“Okay,” Zhuang Xu promised him. They said goodnight, and Li Shanqing went out to class.
The white sun hung high in the sky, but the temperature in Fancheng was not yet high. Li Shanqing wrapped himself up tightly. After class, he went to the office at the R&D center.
The NoaLume project was developing rapidly. In November, after they broke through the most important technical difficulty, they were about to prepare for animal experiments. The number of members in the R&D center was constantly increasing, so last month, they rented another floor for office space.
It was not that he wanted to brag about himself, and he had never bragged to Zhuang Xu, but apart from his unstable health, in terms of intelligence, profession, and even luck, Li Shanqing did believe that he was unique and irreplaceable.
After all, Li Shanqing had heard endless praise from various consultant experts and professors on the project countless times. Even Lu Zhengming often lamented that he had not expected the R&D process to be so smooth.
As long as he had enough funds, resources, and a top-notch team, Li Shanqing could choose the optimal solution at the fastest speed, leading to success precisely and quickly.
Li Shanqing spent at least forty hours a week at the R&D center and laboratory, confident that he had every change under his control. However, when he walked into the room that day, he suddenly realized that there were many faces in his R&D center that he was not so familiar with.
This seemed to have started when Lu Zhengming found a new HR person for him.
Old, young, it was not clear whose orders they were following, each doing their own thing. Most of it was arranged by Li Shanqing, within the plan, but some were not, as if they had brought some tasks with them from somewhere.
Li Shanqing felt that something was wrong in his heart. He hesitated a little. Instead of going back to his office to find his newly hired assistant, he slowly walked around upstairs and downstairs.
He observed the content on everyone’s computer, left the office, went to the laboratory, and remembered the warning from his friend a few days ago.
Having learned his lesson from the speech, and also attaching great importance to the content of ethics, Li Shanqing had never completely let his guard down in the past year.
However, after walking out of the laboratory, he sat on a bench outside the laboratory building, looking through the resumes of the people who had joined the research center in the past two months. He had to admit that perhaps he had stayed in the ivory tower and the hospital for too long, lacking basic vigilance, or perhaps it was his blind self-confidence that had allowed Lu Zhengming to find a loophole, slowly turning him into a frog being boiled in lukewarm water.
When he came to his senses, he realized that the danger of being sidelined was already so close to him.
He also had to admit that it was indeed on his birthday that Zhuang Xu’s oppressive questioning made him feel extremely uncomfortable, and he finally mustered the courage to reflect and face it. Although now he did not know if it was still too late.
After reading the resumes, Li Shanqing thought for a while and gave Lu Zhengming a call.
Lu Zhengming answered: “Shanqing, what’s up?”
“I discovered today that there are a lot more people in our project team now,” Li Shanqing chatted with him in his usual tone, “A lot of people have worked at Cleveland before.”
For some reason, Lu Zhengming paused before asking in a gentle and warm voice: “Is that so? I didn’t notice. Is there any problem with these people?”
“Of course not,” Li Shanqing explained lightly, “I just find it a bit strange, why is the staff turnover at Cleveland so frequent? I remember you have a very good relationship with the CEO of Cleveland, so I called to find out, to avoid this kind of situation from happening on our side.”
Lu Zhengming then smiled: “I’m not too sure either. Could it be that his temper is too bad? I’ll take you to meet him next time, you can observe.”
“Sure, I’m free anytime. After the animal experiments start, I also want to talk to Harold more about the future promotion of the implant. After all, you know, commercialization is not too far away,” Li Shanqing said, complaining half-truthfully and half-jokingly, “but he always ignores me, treats me like a child, and even complains that my dealing is bad.”
“Really? I thought you two didn’t get along.” Lu Zhengming laughed and told Li Shanqing that he was supposed to play golf with Harold in the afternoon. If Li Shanqing had time, they could change it to playing cards at an indoor club: “I’ll deal this time.”
Besides being smart, Li Shanqing’s greatest strength was that he was focused, good at imitation, and corrected quickly. He had to figure out Lu Zhengming’s intentions, so he readily accepted his invitation.
Thus, Li Shanqing went to the club room with not-so-great air and spent the afternoon fooling around with Lu Zhengming, Harold, and a few other investors.
The club was a few years old, built next to a golf course, and was extremely private. In the dim, moldy room, there were card tables and sofas, and the fireplace was burning. The curtains were drawn tightly, controlling the intrusion of sunlight.
Except for Li Shanqing, everyone else was drinking and smoking cigars. White smoke and the suffocating smell of fermented tobacco and bitter, foul wood drifted around the card table.
Having changed his mind and decided to integrate more into the group, Li Shanqing’s performance was still not bad.
With half an hour of homework done on the way to the club, Li Shanqing was as familiar with private jet models, the investors’ favorite enjoyments, and the sales data of addictive drugs as he was with his own family treasures. He lost a lot of money in the afternoon, complaining loudly and swearing a lot.
He cursed the professors and investors who had questioned him during his first speech at the incubator, successfully making Harold look at him in a new light—and also confirming some of his suspicions, although Lu Zhengming had not yet fully trusted him.
In the end, his asthma did act up, but before it was noticed, Li Shanqing went to the bathroom in time.
He leaned against the door, using his inhaler to take his medicine and rest. The phone in his pocket vibrated. He took it out and saw a message from Zhuang Xu. Zhuang Xu said he was awake.
Li Shanqing replied: “Good morning.”
He looked up and saw in the mirror his pale skin, the flush on his cheeks from excitement, stimulation, and coughing. Thinking of Zhuang Xu, he finally felt some confusion.
But he could not ask Zhuang Xu for help, not only because his self-esteem would not allow it, but also because the facts would not allow it.
NoaLume was already a road of no return. Even if he gave up, there would be others to fill his vacancy. It would be better for him to control everything himself, at least he would still have the right to choose.
But what about his relationship with Zhuang Xu? If Zhuang Xu knew, he would definitely be angry again.
If Li Shanqing explained clearly, would Zhuang Xu help him?
Probably. Li Shanqing thought, but if Zhuang Xu helped him, it would definitely affect Zhuang Xu’s reputation. No matter how bad Li Shanqing was, he would not want such a thing to happen. No one should be responsible for Li Shanqing’s mistakes, let alone Zhuang Xu.
Then if he did not explain, and Li Shanqing just hinted a little in a roundabout way, and went ahead on his own, would Zhuang Xu be angry after finding out? If he was very, very angry, would he forgive him?
He had forgiven him before, and besides, they were a couple now.
Okay. Li Shanqing knew that Zhuang Xu would not forgive him so easily. But Li Shanqing had no other better way out. The way to minimize the damage to everyone was for him to completely exclude Lu Zhengming and Cleveland from the project and bear all the consequences himself.
His rational mind was very clear. He had to cut off his relationship with Zhuang Xu as soon as possible, for Zhuang Xu’s sake, and for his own. This was not a joke, he had to solve the problem first. Li Shanqing always made decisions very quickly, three minutes was considered a long time, and he never regretted it, like coming to Fancheng, like giving up on pestering Zhuang Xu to be a volunteer for the SyncPulse implant.
It was the same now. He already knew exactly what he should do, and even if it was very difficult, he thought Zhuang Xu would eventually understand him. However, the unprecedented emotion gave him a strange stomachache.
Li Shanqing felt that his emotions had never been so clear, and never so muddled. He put the inhaler in his pocket, his mind writing “cut off as soon as possible,” while his fingers willfully sent to Zhuang Xu: “Happy Birthday! Little Zhuang, I really hope we can celebrate every birthday together in the future.”
“Me too,” Zhuang Xu replied.
At this time, Harold came to knock on the door, asking Li Shanqing if he was feeling unwell. Li Shanqing immediately put away his phone, washed his hands and went out, and continued to participate in the card game.
They did not have dinner together. Li Shanqing went home and ate the meal Mary made for him, then went to the laboratory and sat at his own workstation for a while, pulling up the video recording of his first speech at the incubator.
This video was not as widely circulated as the later ones, but there were still many comments, most of which criticized Li Shanqing’s performance in this speech and the low morality he inadvertently revealed. There were also some more recent comments reminding the audience that Noah Lee had already entered the incubator, established a company and a project, and the development momentum was very good, claiming: in the eyes of investors, predictable profits are the most important.
Li Shanqing’s purpose in watching this video was to confirm and record the names of every investor and professor who had criticized him at the time. Li Shanqing recorded their names and thought about how to contact them, so he originally did not need to watch all the comments.
However, since he knew that he would inevitably face more attacks in the future, Li Shanqing wanted to do some desensitization therapy for himself, so he still watched all of them, and finally smiled in a self-protective way.
Fortunately, for him, personal face was not that important anymore. He had more important things to do. First, he backed up all the internal emails that had been copied to his mailbox in the past few months, searching for clues among them.
The people at their workstations gradually left, until finally only Li Shanqing was left. The lights in the experimental area also dimmed. Li Shanqing’s eyes grew heavy from looking at the screen. He sighed in his heart, so it’s this hard to grow up, so tiring to bear responsibility, it’s even more torturous than maintaining one’s health.
He did not know how long he would live, and yet he was stuck in such a terrible situation. He felt like a criminal who had caused an accident and fled, but had not yet been wanted.
After twelve o’clock, Mary called him and urged him to go home. Only then did he leave the laboratory.
After taking a shower and lying in bed, he still could not fall asleep. At three in the morning, he received a message from Zhuang Xu.
Zhuang Xu had probably had a particularly busy day because it was his birthday and he had to work. He had barely contacted him, and it was only now that he sent the photo Li Shanqing had requested.
It was a group photo taken at Zhuang Xu’s house. In the photo were Zhou Kaiqi’s family, as well as Zhuang Xu and his mother. On the table were the cake and flowers Li Shanqing had ordered. Zhuang Xu was wearing the clothes Li Shanqing had given him, a dark gray jacket made of cashmere that looked very soft.
Li Shanqing’s first impression of this photo was that Zhuang Xu looked like a sculpture of a research-oriented scholar, gentle and elegant, and without any desires. If someone asked Zhuang Xu about his ideals, they would probably only get answers related to academics and work, and would not hear any personal emotional demands.
Looking again, Li Shanqing saw Auntie, and felt that she was much more haggard than when he saw her in Binhai in November.
It was a simple birthday party. All five of them were smiling, but the photo had a sense of being taken in the process of rapid passing and loss, like a cross-section of a rushing river at a certain second. In the next second, everything would be different.
Zhuang Xu was losing his mother’s health, and Li Shanqing was also being pushed by reality, forced to face the fact that he had to give up his first love.
…Fortunately, he and Zhuang Xu had not been together for long, and the sunk costs were not that high.
Li Shanqing first chose to close his eyes and plug his ears, being an irresponsible child for the last time, and replied to Zhuang Xu: “I miss you so much.”
After a while, Zhuang Xu called him and asked him: “Why aren’t you asleep yet?”
“Zhuang Xu, I’ve decided to sing you a birthday song.” Li Shanqing did not answer, talking to himself, and then began to sing.
His voice was already hoarse, and because he had stayed up late, it was even lower. He sang in several languages, making Zhuang Xu laugh. Zhuang Xu said, “Li Shanqing, are you wishing me a happy birthday, or are you showing off your talents?” In fact, Li Shanqing really wanted to sing a few more songs for him in advance.
Many birthday songs, a few more “happy birthdays,” preferably for eighty or a hundred years in advance. But Zhuang Xu’s mother came to find him, so Li Shanqing did not delay him any longer.
And Li Shanqing should also go to sleep. Lying in bed hugging a pillow, his breathing a little difficult, he stared at the dark room with his eyes open, only then did he realize that sometimes, even if he was not sick, his lungs would feel stuffy and hurt.
