During the first hour of his twentieth birthday, Li Shanqing gripped the steering wheel of the car, driving his old friend and new boyfriend, Zhuang Xu, towards the hotel. The road ahead was dark and quiet. The number of cars on the highway dwindled, until finally, only theirs remained. The world seemed to have become a closed hemisphere where all other humans had been removed, and Li Shanqing and Zhuang Xu were the only two existing points of light.
Li Shanqing’s previous birthdays had often been boisterous affairs, so he had assumed he only liked birthdays with many people. It was only now that he discovered that he could accept a quiet birthday if Zhuang Xu was by his side.
After arriving at the hotel, Zhuang Xu checked in at the front desk.
Recently, amidst his busy schedule, Li Shanqing had taken the time to learn many techniques for couples to get along. He also knew that couples should sleep in the same room, but for the time being, Li Shanqing found it difficult to accept sharing a room with someone. He did not even like having a companion in the hospital.
As for Zhuang Xu, his need for personal space was even more severe than Li Shanqing’s. After all, he had been unwilling to even stay at Li Shanqing’s house before.
Li Shanqing stood to the side waiting, hesitated for a moment, and had absolutely no desire to leave Zhuang Xu and go home. Besides, Zhuang Xu had already told Mary that he would take him back for breakfast tomorrow morning. In the end, he took the initiative to walk up to another front desk lady and expressed that he also wanted to get a room, adding a request: it would be best if it was next to Zhuang Xu’s room.
Zhuang Xu heard his words and looked over at him. Li Shanqing also felt he was being very considerate and smiled at Zhuang Xu with self-satisfaction. For some reason, Zhuang Xu did not praise him, and his expression was a little strange.
Li Shanqing’s good performance did not receive immediate feedback, and he was a little dissatisfied. However, for the sake of Zhuang Xu coming to celebrate his birthday with him, he endured it.
The front desk lady fulfilled Li Shanqing’s wish, arranging their rooms directly across from each other on the same floor. In the elevator on the way up, Li Shanqing still could not hold back. He moved closer to Zhuang Xu and said with a slightly reproachful tone: “Zhuang Xu, why didn’t you praise me?”
“Praise you for what?” Zhuang Xu glanced at him and asked.
“For being considerate, of course.” Li Shanqing poked Zhuang Xu’s arm with his finger.
Zhuang Xu seemed stronger than when he was in high school. He had muscles on his arms. Li Shanqing poked him twice more, and Zhuang Xu grabbed his hand.
“What considerate,” Zhuang Xu’s hand was slightly warmer than Li Shanqing’s, and he held it quite firmly. He asked him in a low voice, “The kind of considerate that involves giving me a relaxing massage?”
Li Shanqing liked it very much when Zhuang Xu spoke to him like this. It made him feel not cold, but very close. His previous dissatisfaction also disappeared, but he still demanded: “Anyway, you have to praise me.”
Zhuang Xu seemed to be at a loss for words. He looked at him for a few seconds before following his lead and saying: “Thank you for your consideration.”
The elevator doors opened. They walked along the corridor to the doors of their rooms. Li Shanqing waved happily: “Goodnight then, Little Zhuang.”
Because it was very late, and health was very important. Li Shanqing had pulled a few all-nighters in the lab last week and wanted to stay up less this week.
“Mm,” Zhuang Xu’s expression was very faint as he also said to him, “Goodnight.”
Li Shanqing swiped his room key, and for some inexplicable reason, looked back reluctantly. He saw the back of Zhuang Xu pushing open his door, and his suitcase placed to the side. A strong desire not to be separated, from an unknown source, arose in his heart. He suddenly regretted his decision and squeezed back to Zhuang Xu’s side: “No, Little Zhuang, I’ll come to your place and sit for a while longer.”
“…” Zhuang Xu seemed helpless at Li Shanqing’s change of mind, and looked down at him. Li Shanqing said with justification: “What’s wrong with sitting for a while? Don’t be so petty, okay?”
Zhuang Xu shook his head slightly and let him in.
The room was a suite, with a sofa outside and a large bed in the bedroom.
There was fruit on the coffee table, each piece looking very beautiful. Li Shanqing could not eat it, but his hands were itchy. He picked up a slippery little apple, touched it a few times, and then put it under his nose to smell it.
Looking up and seeing Zhuang Xu watching him, Li Shanqing said generously: “Don’t mind me, I’ll take care of myself. You go take a shower first.”
Zhuang Xu seemed to have given up on conversing with him. He took his luggage into the bedroom, and not long after, the sound of the shower in the bathroom started.
Li Shanqing had been studying a wide range of subjects recently, from the psychology of love to behavioral science. Of course, he also knew that couples should kiss, and even do more.
After fully understanding, he was temporarily a little timid. Because to be honest, he absolutely could not imagine himself and Zhuang Xu doing those more intense things. Due to his physical condition, Li Shanqing’s hormone levels were low, and his need for sex was usually zero.
So, would Zhuang Xu want to? Li Shanqing felt that Zhuang Xu probably did not want to either, because Zhuang Xu seemed quite indifferent. He felt that this was also a reason why the two of them were very suitable for a relationship.
Li Shanqing lay half-reclined on the sofa, turned on the TV, and watched some social news. He yawned a few times, and in a daze, Zhuang Xu came out after his shower.
“Sleepy?” Zhuang Xu, wearing a white bathrobe, walked over to him, leaned over slightly, and asked casually.
There was still some sleepy mist in Li Shanqing’s eyes. He only saw a pair of deep black eyes approaching him and smelled a pleasant herbal scent. His original sleepiness was suddenly frozen, and an alarm went off in his heart.
“Little Zhuang…” he wanted to tell Zhuang Xu not to come over, but before he could speak, Zhuang Xu kissed his lips.
Kissing was something that confused Li Shanqing more than the most difficult exam question. It was just two people’s lips pressed together, but through the soft skin, the oral mucosa, the moist saliva, these external entanglements, it seemed to melt and recast Li Shanqing’s entire world, making it one with Zhuang Xu’s.
Zhuang Xu kissed the lips and tongue that Li Shanqing was proud of for being eloquent, his force sometimes heavy, sometimes light, like he was skilled and yet clumsy, mature and yet nervous. He kissed Li Shanqing’s lower lip and said “Happy Birthday,” making Li Shanqing’s cleverness disappear and his breathing uneven. Li Shanqing was not angry, only dazed, feeling an impossible sense of weightlessness, so afraid of being kissed and falling under the sofa, falling from the hotel floor, that he raised his hands as if commanded and firmly wrapped them around Zhuang Xu’s neck, forcing Zhuang Xu to press down on him.
It was already close to two in the morning. Li Shanqing was pressed heavily into the gray plaid fabric sofa, his lips numb from the kiss, his legs also becoming very soft. With his eyes half-open, he could see Zhuang Xu’s eyelashes, and behind Zhuang Xu, the spotlights on the hotel ceiling and the white wallpaper with a dark floral pattern.
This was the situation of their first long kiss.
Zhuang Xu did not do anything more. He only kissed Li Shanqing until he was almost out of breath, then let him go. He pulled down the hands that Li Shanqing had wrapped around his neck, kissed his face, and said jokingly: “Alright, CEO Li, go to bed early.”
When Li Shanqing recalled it later, he always hoped that he had seen Zhuang Xu blush too. But because he was too dazed, his memory was not deep, and he guessed it was probably his own illusion, or because Zhuang Xu had just taken a hot shower, that made him think Zhuang Xu was blushing.
He also forgot how he got back to his room. He sweated all night and did not sleep well.
Not only did he wake up very early the next day, but he also got the hotel’s bathrobe dirty. Even with a face as thick as Li Shanqing’s, he felt very embarrassed. He washed it in the bathroom for a long time, until Zhuang Xu called him and asked if he was up, then he threw the bathrobe into the bathtub.
For the first nineteen hours of his birthday that year, Li Shanqing’s happiness was as pure as the smell of candy and popcorn floating in the air at an amusement park. Simple happiness was everywhere, and because it never happened again, it was even harder to forget.
After going home with Zhuang Xu and eating the breakfast Mary made, he spent the whole day with Zhuang Xu, with almost no one else joining them. He took Zhuang Xu to the places he frequented the most, and visited his own school. Because the sun was not too strong, they held hands and walked on the lawn for a while. The lawn in the evening was very soft, and he smelled the first hints of night dew and the scent of plants.
They did not go to the project office, because he had a gut feeling that he and Zhuang Xu might have a conflict because of it. His intuition was right, but that accident still happened when they went home for his birthday dinner that night.
Li Shanqing initially believed that this was the first moment of estrangement between him and Zhuang Xu, and that it could have been avoided. Later, he gradually understood that he had chosen the wrong path from the beginning, so he had to be responsible for it and bear the consequences himself.
The accident happened during his birthday dinner, when the doorbell at Li Shanqing’s house rang. Mary went to open the door, and it was a delivery man with a huge cake.
She placed it on the table. Li Shanqing took the card to look. It was from Lu Zhengming and Harold together. The card said that the cake avoided all of Li Shanqing’s allergens, so please feel free to eat it.
If he still did not dare to eat it, he could also share it with the friends present. It also wished that in Li Shanqing’s twentieth year, NoaLume could achieve great success and give the entire industry a jolt of freshness.
Zhuang Xu stood beside Li Shanqing. After seeing Harold’s signature, his brow furrowed slightly, and he asked in a low voice: “What stage is your project at? How did you come to know Harold?”
He sounded suspicious of Li Shanqing, and his tone also became cold, almost reminding Li Shanqing of when they used to argue.
Li Shanqing did not like Harold, but he did not want to be looked down upon by Zhuang Xu either, so he was unwilling to say more, and said vaguely: “He’s our new consultant, we just met a month ago, we’re not very familiar, what’s wrong?”
“Not familiar and he still sends you a cake?” Zhuang Xu was not fooled by him. He looked down at him seriously and asked with confusion, “Do you know what projects he has been involved in? If you know, why did you choose him as a consultant?”
Mary stood on the side, at a loss due to the suddenly tense atmosphere. She looked at them worriedly, wanting to mediate but not knowing where to start, and softly called out: “Shanqing…”
Li Shanqing was already feeling guilty. Seeing Mary’s worried expression, he became even more annoyed, thinking how serious this person Zhuang Xu was, lecturing him regardless of the occasion. His tone also became aggressive: “So what if I know, he’s just a consultant.”
“Even a consultant shouldn’t be this kind of person.”
“Can you just stop talking,” Li Shanqing did not want to hear another word, “The consultant is not the decision-maker, as long as the decision-maker is fine, isn’t that enough?”
Zhuang Xu was probably extremely disgusted by the projects Harold had worked on. Provoked by Li Shanqing, he actually said: “Can’t choosing him as a consultant show the problem with the decision-maker?”
Li Shanqing had not expected him to say such a thing to question his decision-making ability. He flew into a rage out of shame, lost all reason, and raised his voice to retort: “I have a problem again? Why do you have to talk about this on my birthday? I’ll manage my own project. If you can’t stand it and want to control everything, then you buy it. If you buy it, you can control it however you want.”
Li Shanqing was originally just saying it out of anger. If Zhuang Xu had coaxed him, he would have immediately found a way to back down, and then hugged Zhuang Xu tightly, and they would not have to argue anymore.
Unexpectedly, after hearing his words, Zhuang Xu’s face became even colder, and his next words made Li Shanqing’s blood rush to his head: “Of course I can. You go and discuss the price with Lu Zhengming. I can buy it no matter how much you ask for.”
“Get out!” Li Shanqing was so angry that he raised his hand and pushed him, glaring at him and pointing to the door: “Get out of my house.” The argument made him feel itchy again. He scratched his arm in frustration, and a few red scratch marks immediately appeared on his forearm.
Zhuang Xu was stunned, his expression softened. After a few seconds, he apologized first: “I’m sorry.”
He glanced at Mary, reached out, and gently grabbed Li Shanqing’s arm, as if he wanted to pull Li Shanqing into his arms, but was not sure if he should. Just as he was about to use force, Li Shanqing flung his hand away.
“You get out.” Li Shanqing was so angry that his eyes turned red. He had never been so wronged by someone he knew for so long. He bit his lip tightly, glared at Zhuang Xu for a while, and his anger turned into annoyance and sadness.
Anyway, he did not want to argue anymore. He just wanted to go back to his room and be quiet. He said dejectedly: “Let’s not argue anymore. Aren’t you leaving early tomorrow morning? You can take a taxi back yourself. I’m going to sleep, I haven’t gotten enough sleep recently.”
After saying that, he went upstairs by himself. After taking a shower, someone knocked on his door. He did not open it. He did not answer when Zhuang Xu called him either. The next day, when Zhuang Xu said he was about to board the plane, Li Shanqing only replied with one message: “Safe flight.”
If time could be turned back, Li Shanqing suspected that he would still be unable to change this argument, unable to affect the outcome, and even more unable to change the subsequent collapse of their relationship, because his personality was like this, and so was Zhuang Xu’s.
They would fall in love, and they would break up. In the end, Zhuang Xu did not like Li Shanqing that much—if he really liked him, how could he have come to hate Li Shanqing to such an extent later on?
Perhaps Zhuang Xu just wanted to find someone as smart as him to try being in a relationship, to try kissing. But while being smart, Zhuang Xu also required the other person to be one hundred percent emotionally stable and one hundred percent in line with his wishes morally.
When he discovered that Li Shanqing was not that gentle, considerate, and understanding, when he discovered that Li Shanqing was impulsive and stubborn, when he discovered that they were not compatible, Zhuang Xu gave up on Li Shanqing as simply as he would give up a control group for a placebo.
How should a person manage a good relationship? Li Shanqing really did not not try to find the answer later on. If he could defend the him who had just turned twenty, he would explain that the Li Shanqing at that time was just slow, not that he was not serious about feelings.
He was headstrong and stubborn, not without principles. He paid all the costs later, and he did not try to shirk the responsibilities he should bear onto anyone.
Perhaps a single human individual just cannot get all the opportunities in the world. Li Shanqing eventually gave up resisting, submitted to God’s will, and accepted that if he gained here, he would lose there.
