In the long course of a lifetime, humans will always make many less-than-ideal choices. They must go through much trial and error in order to grow, and Li Shanqing was no exception.
He was happy to accept the occurrence of mistakes. Some mistakes he would admit to others, and some only to himself. However, this brief, mistake-compounded relationship with Zhuang Xu, although it began as a misunderstanding and quickly ended prematurely in a less than satisfactory manner, and might even be considered a stain on Zhuang Xu’s life, Li Shanqing never considered it a mistake.
That night, in the top-floor office of the Vigen Biotech group building, after Zhuang Xu said “If you really want to,” Li Shanqing was, for a rare few seconds, at a loss for what to do.
In those few seconds, all sorts of sentences that could be used as a response flashed through Li Shanqing’s mind at high speed: “Haha, I tricked you,” “No way, are you that eager to be in a relationship?” and even “I’m sorry, I apologize, don’t blame me, for the sake of me flying all the way to Binhai.”
However, before Zhuang Xu could judge from Li Shanqing’s dazed face that he was not being serious at all, Li Shanqing first confirmed one thing: he could not accept seeing Zhuang Xu’s disappointed expression right now, nor could he accept their relationship returning to the state it was in before he came to Binhai. So, he almost blurted out: “Yeah, I really do.”
Perhaps it was not moral, and unfair to Zhuang Xu, but even if he had to do it over ten thousand times, a hundred thousand times, Li Shanqing would not try to find a more appropriate solution. Because “correct” and “appropriate” were two adjectives that had nothing to do with Li Shanqing in the first place. Besides, what he did at that time was not wrong at all.
Zhuang Xu looked at him for a short while, said, “Okay,” then looked away and said, “My work is done, let me take you back.”
Everything seemed unchanged, but in fact, there were changes. Even someone as slow as Li Shanqing could sense it.
A few years later, Li Shanqing would figure it out. The reason for the change in Zhuang Xu was because he distinguished everything very clearly. Every person, every matter, had a corresponding position and a deserving attitude in Zhuang Xu’s heart.
Zhuang Xu would patiently care for the person he was in a relationship with, he would kiss and embrace them. For people he did not want to see, he would refuse them, with no patience and keeping his distance.
After experiencing both, Li Shanqing would sometimes wonder, if he could go back to nineteen, how he would correct things from the very first crack. However, in the end, he would find that everything was bound to happen. As long as he was still him, and Zhuang Xu was still Zhuang Xu.
On the way back to the hotel, the atmosphere in the car was strange in a way that was hard to describe.
Zhuang Xu still did not say much, not at all as affectionate as the couples in the TV dramas Mary watched. If one did not pay close attention, their hasty decision to start a relationship would seem like something Li Shanqing had imagined. But Li Shanqing remembered very clearly that on that day, Zhuang Xu had turned his head slightly to look at Li Shanqing’s face several times while driving, and his hands gripping the steering wheel were also tighter, which made Li Shanqing feel that he was nervous.
Li Shanqing did not like silence. During the process, he thought about discussing with Zhuang Xu what they should do after they started dating, but in the end, he did not ask, because he felt that there should not be anything he did not know how to do. Even if there really was something he did not know, he had to learn it himself immediately, and could not let Zhuang Xu have the upper hand.
If Li Shanqing admitted that he was not familiar with the things to do in a relationship, he would have lost this competition. So he had to stubbornly pretend to know a hundred times more about relationships than Zhuang Xu.
When they were almost at the hotel, Zhuang Xu finally spoke, asking Li Shanqing when he planned to return to school. Li Shanqing gathered his thoughts and answered honestly: “I haven’t thought about it. I originally planned to leave after seeing you, but I haven’t bought my return ticket yet, and I really don’t want to fly again.”
Li Shanqing did not regret coming back, but he really did not want to recall how he spent those dozen or so hours on the plane.
“Why don’t I transfer to Binhai University,” Li Shanqing habitually spouted nonsense, then immediately thought of the possibility of Zhuang Xu misunderstanding and quickly added, “I’m just kidding, I’ll go back in a couple of days. I need to recover, and rest for two more days.”
“I know,” Zhuang Xu seemed to see through what he was thinking, “I didn’t take it seriously.”
Li Shanqing felt a little guilty and pushed Zhuang Xu with his hand: “Don’t say things like that, you just need to say ‘Okay, I got it’.”
Zhuang Xu’s reaction was different from usual again. He did not laugh at Li Shanqing for being childish, but said as Li Shanqing requested: “Okay, I got it.”
These conversations with no substance, as well as Zhuang Xu’s expression when he spoke, Li Shanqing later recalled them many times by himself. He guessed why Zhuang Xu was so compliant with him, and also found many, many different reasons, interpreting Zhuang Xu into a hundred different versions.
This was completely meaningless in reality, just Li Shanqing’s leisure fun.
When they arrived at the hotel, Zhuang Xu walked Li Shanqing upstairs and stood at the door of Li Shanqing’s room. He told Li Shanqing to rest well.
Again, influenced by those TV dramas Mary watched, Li Shanqing wanted to show his understanding and skill in relationships, and asked Zhuang Xu with a little too much force: “So, are you coming in?”
Zhuang Xu was stunned, a hint of confusion and amusement appearing in his eyes: “Li Shanqing, where did you learn that?”
“What learn? Do you need to learn how to be in a relationship?” Li Shanqing said confidently, with bravado despite his lack of justification, “I’m a natural at it.”
Zhuang Xu looked at him, shook his head slightly, smiled, and said “You’ve watched too many TV dramas,” then lowered his head slightly, moved closer to Li Shanqing, hesitated for a second, and kissed his forehead.
In Li Shanqing’s eyes, this was their first kiss.
With both of them sober and calm, Zhuang Xu’s lips lightly touched Li Shanqing’s forehead, cool and soft.
Li Shanqing closed his eyes, then opened them again immediately. In a daze, he saw Zhuang Xu’s shirt collar, his tie, and his Adam’s apple that moved slightly.
Zhuang Xu’s neck was also fair. The dark gray tie was pressed tightly against the white shirt, not a bit messy. From his clothes to his movements, everything seemed very regular, so much so that the force of the kiss on Li Shanqing’s forehead was more like a careful experiment. But this was already something Li Shanqing could never have imagined Zhuang Xu would do.
Why would Zhuang Xu really give him a goodnight kiss? Li Shanqing could not move at all, in a daze.
Zhuang Xu’s hand rested on his shoulder. Li Shanqing had never felt so close to anyone. He suddenly fell into a thick fog he could not see through, a swamp he had never set foot in. His heart pounded and his hands and feet grew warm due to the unknown danger.
Li Shanqing felt a little annoyed that this person Zhuang Xu had suddenly become sticky, sticking away a small part of his soul and spirit, and also suddenly making him stupid.
“I’m not coming in,” Zhuang Xu did not notice Li Shanqing’s nervousness and unhappiness. His lips were still kissing Li Shanqing’s forehead as he spoke, his voice very soft, against Li Shanqing’s skin. Then he moved away and said to Li Shanqing, “Goodnight.”
Li Shanqing’s heart beat even faster. He was even angrier, and even less smart. He could only look at Zhuang Xu and say stupidly: “Okay then, goodnight.”
After Zhuang Xu closed the door for Li Shanqing, Li Shanqing’s heart pounded so fast that it reached an unhealthy level.
He went to the bathroom and found that his face was red, just like the last time Zhuang Xu kissed him after drinking. It was not red from coughing, nor did he have a high fever. He touched his forehead himself but could not find any trace left by Zhuang Xu. He felt that Zhuang Xu was very mean, making him like this and then leaving without looking back. He suddenly understood the melodramatic plots in TV dramas that he used to think were illogical, and finally decided that he really had to start learning about this thing called being in a relationship.
When Li Shanqing said he would learn, he would learn. He found a relationship advice vlogger with a large number of fans on a video website and opened the first video, “How to Make Your Boyfriend Can’t Get Enough of You,” to start his diligent study.
The downside was that the video was a bit boring. Much of what the vlogger said, he could not listen to. As he watched, he ended up sleeping for two hours with his phone in his arms. When he woke up, the video had already played more than ten more episodes, and his phone’s battery was about to die.
When Li Shanqing came to his senses, he recalled what he had learned, and it all felt very abstract. The vlogger had mentioned a whole bunch of methods, but Li Shanqing did not understand much of it. He had roughly learned the shape of it, but felt he had not yet fully grasped it, nor could he imagine a suitable scenario to implement it.
And it was a bit too cheesy. Not only would Zhuang Xu probably not like it, but Li Shanqing himself also felt it was a bit ridiculous.
Of course, Li Shanqing would never admit defeat. He was learning how to bewitch Zhuang Xu even in his dreams, but Zhuang Xu, the main character, did not appear. Li Shanqing just took several exams with many multiple-choice questions in an examination hall, and got a perfect score on all of them.
The next morning, Li Shanqing was both satisfied with his performance in his dreams and annoyed by his helplessness in reality, unable to take the lead.
In the morning, he first mustered up the courage to buy a plane ticket back to Fancheng for two days later, then told Zhuang Xu about it and went to Qunying Hospital to see Xu Yuanshuang.
Ms. Xu was a little surprised by his arrival. Li Shanqing did not tell her the real reason for his return to Binhai, claiming that he had some project work to do, but “was afraid my parents would worry, so I didn’t tell them,” and asked Auntie to keep it a secret for him too.
Li Shanqing could see that Ms. Xu was in low spirits, so he told her many interesting stories he had heard at social gatherings to cheer her up, and also taught her how to play cards on a tablet.
At noon, Zhuang Xu came over, and the three of them had a simple meal together. The chef still made a separate portion for Li Shanqing, very attentively, which was clearly something Zhuang Xu had instructed.
After knowing him for so many years, Li Shanqing finally saw some emotional value feedback from Zhuang Xu. It was impossible to say he was not surprised and pleased, but he did not record it in his book of achievements. What he felt most was not self-satisfaction, but a kind of happiness that he did not notice at the time, and therefore did not care enough about or cherish enough.
When Zhuang Xu took him away from the hospital, Li Shanqing told him: “I bought a ticket for the day after tomorrow.”
Zhuang Xu was a little surprised and told him that he had already asked his secretary to arrange a chartered flight. Li Shanqing waved his hand and refused. Although it was uncomfortable, he had experience, and a very strong confidence that he would return to Fancheng alive and well. Chartering a flight was too troublesome, and it would be easy for his parents to find out he had come back, and—”CEO Li doesn’t like chartered flights. I’ll buy one myself and invite you to fly on it in the future.”
Li Shanqing was so ambitious and full of confidence, and he actually achieved it not long after. Fate perhaps had a soft spot for him. Although Zhuang Xu never came to fly on his plane.
How could Zhuang Xu fly on it?
However, Li Shanqing felt that Zhuang Xu would not forget what happened on the day he made that boast either. When Zhuang Xu heard Li Shanqing’s grand words, he smiled faintly and said: “Then I’ll wait for you. CEO Li.”
Then he parked the car in a temporary parking area and leaned in towards Li Shanqing.
Zhuang Xu’s face and lips were very close to Li Shanqing’s. In broad daylight, it made Li Shanqing nervous. His heart beat too fast, his face was too hot, and he became strange again, as if he had a more serious illness than last night.
Of course, it was still that Li Shanqing had been spoiled by Zhuang Xu, coupled with his inadequate learning, his over-attention to his own physical changes, not knowing that a racing heart was a necessary symptom when kissing Zhuang Xu and did not need to be restrained, and so on. Li Shanqing reached out and blocked Zhuang Xu’s approaching shoulder, pleading in a low voice: “Little Zhuang, don’t get so close to me.”
Zhuang Xu was stunned, then did not lean in any further. After a while, he started the car again and took Li Shanqing back.
After returning to the hotel, Li Shanqing did some more studying. The next day, Zhuang Xu took him to the airport, seeming very worried. Just as Li Shanqing was about to get out of the car, he still asked if Li Shanqing could stay for two more days. He could accompany Li Shanqing back after he had handled his affairs.
But Li Shanqing had too much work piled up in the lab and could not postpone it any longer, so he refused, promising that he would definitely arrive safely, and sent Zhuang Xu away.
Before the plane took off, Li Shanqing watched another episode of a video to study. He suddenly thought of something. After studying the dating videos, he could make a checklist of things to do in a relationship.
Because making plans and breaking down steps, these were all Li Shanqing’s strengths.
By the time Zhuang Xu and he had completed all the items on this checklist, they would definitely become a very perfect couple. Very much in love, very exemplary, very boring, very happy.
