I kept tilting my head for a long while, unable to even define what exactly I was feeling. Then Kang Taeyoon’s phone, which had been tucked in his pocket, vibrated for a long time.
If my guess wasn’t wrong, it was probably a message from Go Heemin.
Ah, Go Heemin. I was someone who had been rooting for Min Siheon’s love. It wasn’t that long ago that I’d hoped Min Siheon would stand on equal footing with Kang Taeyoon.
But the moment I heard Go Heemin’s name, a heavy ache pressed into the pit of my stomach.
Did I drink my coffee too fast? Feeling that strange dull pain, I turned toward Kang Taeyoon.
Seeing him slowly type a reply—apparently confirming it was indeed a message from Go Heemin—brought back thoughts I’d tried to set aside.
Then Min Siheon’s relationship wasn’t real, and there wasn’t actually any problem, so it should be fine, right?
…What problem? What exactly is fine…? The layered questions threatened to twist my face into a frown.
When I lifted my head with a confused expression, Kang Taeyoon’s face had changed oddly this time. He let out a scoff as if he found it ridiculous, then waved his hand as though to say it had nothing to do with him.
The strange behavior was brief. Soon enough, he returned to his usual composed demeanor and jerked his chin toward me.
“You’re not answering that?”
“Answering what?”
On the table, where Kang Taeyoon pointed, my phone screen was glowing white. I must not have noticed since it was on silent—the caller was Min Siheon.
[Min Siheon]
“…Hey. My voice doesn’t sound weird, right?”
“What’s the intention behind that question?”
“I’m the idiot for expecting an answer.”
After waving him off at his crooked behavior, I picked up my phone. …Is it okay to answer? The pounding of my heart rang loudly in my ears.
Still, it was better than not answering. Once I steeled myself, there was only one thing to do.
Ahem, ahem—I cleared my throat and, with trembling fingers, touched the screen. Immediately, a familiar voice called my name.
“…Uh, Siheon, what’s up?”
—Jungwoo, where are you right now?
Honestly, I could’ve just told him I was at a café. But maybe it was because of the conversation I’d just had—my mouth automatically spilled out a lie.
“…I was at a group meeting for an assignment and ended up late for class. …So I gave up on the lecture and I’m heading home.”
—…Really?
Min Siheon’s low voice came through the speaker. Even Kang Taeyoon, sitting close by, seemed to hear it—he was looking at me like this was absurd.
Shh, if you’re not going to help, stay quiet. I pressed a finger to my lips in a gesture of secrecy, and Kang Taeyoon sipped his coffee as if he had no intention of getting involved.
Meanwhile, Min Siheon’s question continued from the other side of the phone. His voice sounded heavier than before.
—…You’re really on your way home, right?
“…Huh?”
For some reason, it felt like the air around me had turned cold.
Even though I was indoors with the air conditioner running, I could feel sweat trickling down my back.
I heard another heavy thud sink from around my heart. …No way. It seemed like something inside me had broken.
***
“What the hell happened, exactly?”
I lay on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I’d run into that female senior who supposedly liked Min Siheon at the group meeting on Friday. Today was Sunday, two days after that.
It was fine that I’d grabbed Kang Taeyoon and poured my heart out over feelings I didn’t understand. But during the phone call with Min Siheon afterward, all kinds of doubts had surfaced.
Why was I worried about Min Siheon’s girlfriend situation? And why did I feel relieved at the fact that he hadn’t actually dated that senior?
By the time my thoughts shifted from Min Siheon to Go Heemin, my chest felt like it was being torn apart.
Buried under layers of confusion, I kept agonizing for a long time.
After running countless hypothetical scenarios and examples through my head like simulations—
Just before my brain felt like it would overload and burst, I finally arrived at an answer.
No—if I was honest, I’d known the reason for a long time. I’d just denied it, insisting it couldn’t be true, and buried it deep.
“Ah, fuck, no. This can’t….”
In despair, I squeezed my eyes shut. My vision felt like it was spinning, and I pressed hard against my temples.
I dragged both hands over my face again and again, scrubbing so hard my skin stung—but what surfaced in my mind wouldn’t change.
So that means I… like Min Siheon—the sub-top in this novel….
“…I like him.”
The moment the words left my mouth, heat rushed to my face. Feeling the burning warmth through my palms, I hurriedly pushed myself upright from the bed.
The mattress bounced beneath me, and this time it was my heart that went wild.
Like an echo reverberating halfway up a mountain, my pounding heartbeat filled the hollow space around me.
Still seated, I lowered my head and raked a hand through my hair. My fallen strands blocked my vision, but I didn’t bother moving them aside.
It wasn’t like I’d never dated before in my life—this was certain.
“Shit….”
I liked Min Siheon as more than a friend. The feeling people usually call ‘love.’
What the hell is this? My mouth went dry. Even when I moistened it with my tongue, it dried up again immediately.
No matter how deeply I exhaled, the tightness in my chest wouldn’t ease.
They say people have died from love—maybe the old saying wasn’t wrong.
There’s no fever as vicious as a lovesick fever. This sudden realization brought me immense pain.
Maybe because I’d ignored it all this time, the wave of emotion felt twice as overwhelming, and I floundered in it for a long while.
Cha Jungwoo, you really are something else. Self-loathing surged through me, and I didn’t know what to do.
“Me? Him? …Since when??”
Thinking back, I must have treated Min Siheon as someone special from the very first meeting. When I first learned of his existence, all I’d thought was that I shouldn’t get involved. But after actually meeting him, I’d completely forgotten that resolution.
Instead of distancing myself, I’d always indulged his whims.
More than once, I’d even poked at the frightening Kang Taeyoon just to help Min Siheon catch Go Heemin’s eye.
…Am I seriously insane? Looking back now, I was truly strange.
What kind of grown man thinks someone’s smile would look pretty and hands him chocolate because of it?
If it wasn’t some glitch in the system, then I must’ve fallen at first sight. My heart had unraveled far too easily, letting him slip inside.
Wicked Min Siheon. Bad Min Siheon. My homeless, directionless emotions swelled toward him.
Why are your hands always so cold…. Why do you wear that chilly expression…. Why—why do you smile so beautifully and make things so hard for me?
If I could meet my past self, I’d tell him to stop everything immediately.
No—when Min Siheon came out of the department office, I should’ve just left with Yoo In-ho.
“…I hate that.”
But the thought of never having met him like that made a pain bloom from the pit of my stomach.
Like I’d been punched, my nose wrinkled, and even rubbing at it and trying to soothe myself didn’t ease the discomfort inside.
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. Even a high schooler going through puberty would probably be less emotional than I am right now.
At first, I’d thought it was just pity—because unlike what Cha Seung-ah had told me, he’d turned out far gentler than I’d expected.
But now that I looked back, I’d poured far too much devotion into him for it to be dismissed as mere sympathy.
Whenever I saw him, I wanted to take care of him. When he said he was sick, I worried. If something happened to Min Siheon, I was always the first to step in. And no matter what he did, I couldn’t bring myself to hate him.
“…I was already a severe case, you idiot. Why am I only realizing this now?”
The successive sighs left me dizzy, like I was running out of oxygen. As for the fact that he was a man—well, I never had prejudice to begin with, so I tried to brush it off somehow.
It felt unfamiliar since I’d only dated women before, but now that I liked him, there was nothing I could do about it.
That didn’t necessarily make me gay, though—I couldn’t confidently say that.
…I’ve never liked a man other than him.
Honestly, in this day and age, I didn’t want to believe there was anything wrong with one person loving another.
I was in the middle of defending myself like that while staring at the ceiling.
It was confusing to realize I’d fallen for Min Siheon, the one I’d thought of as the sub-top. But there didn’t seem to be any particular reason to suffer over that alone…
He didn’t have a girlfriend, and besides, he was a character inside a BL novel. It didn’t seem like being a man would cause some catastrophic problem.
“…Wait. What do you mean it’s not a problem? …Hey, Cha Jungwoo, you crazy bastard, have you completely lost it? Are you planning to date Min Siheon or something?”
He hasn’t given you anything, and you’re already drinking the kimchi soup by the bowlful.
The thought that passed so naturally made my head spin. Right—if there was a biggest problem, it was this.
…Min Siheon already had someone he liked.
Go Heemin. The main bottom of Love Prequel, and Kang Taeyoon’s counterpart. The guy who was now my classmate—and someone I could even call a friend.
Clutching my forehead in despair, Go Heemin’s pale, clear image came to mind.
Regardless of the fact that I’d fallen for Min Siheon, this love couldn’t come true. I knew from the beginning that Min Siheon had a pure and devoted object of affection named Go Heemin.
I didn’t remember the detailed storyline, but I recalled that the feelings were quite intense.
Just because he didn’t show it didn’t mean Min Siheon wasn’t secretly suffering from unrequited love.
It wasn’t just because I’d grown attached—objectively speaking, Go Heemin was a pretty decent guy.
Neat appearance, positive personality, well-liked by those around him, and genuinely likable in his actions.
I couldn’t hate him either. The image of him smiling brightly flickered past, and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything sharp about him.
A part of me still thought it would be nice if Min Siheon ended up with someone like him.
Setting myself aside and thinking of Min Siheon first, that seemed like the right answer.
“…Whether Go Heemin chooses Min Siheon or not, you can’t force someone to like you.”
On top of that, I was someone Min Siheon trusted quite a bit. For someone who barely communicated with others, I was one of the few precious relationships he had.
And I was going to confess to him? That would be the single worst way to destroy what we had. Worst? I’d be lucky if it didn’t blow up into a complete disaster.
