Chapter 93
“I’m sorry for making you go on a date with Song Joo-ah to that place. I didn’t know it was somewhere you had been with me. I’ve never been there with Song Joo-ah either. I said I wouldn’t make excuses, but I wanted to say this one thing. I’ve hurt you countless times until now, but there’s no need to hurt your feelings with this misunderstanding… There’s no other reason. That’s all.”
As if whispering, Cha Yoon apologized for his wrongdoings, saying that all the words from his mouth were solely for Ki Seo-jung’s sake, not just a petty self-justification to lessen his own guilt.
Cha Yoon paused for a moment, slowly inhaling and exhaling. The more he apologized and asked for forgiveness, the deeper his sense of guilt grew rather than diminishing. The feeling of directly confronting the wrong he had committed, of hurting the person he liked with his own hands, was terrible. So much that he disliked himself.
But despite this, he couldn’t let go of his feelings for Ki Seo-jung. Although it was an emotion he had only just properly named, his grown feelings had become as deep and intense as his regret and guilt. That was his selfish true heart.
Cha Yoon looked straight at Seo-jung sitting across from him for a long time, then slowly spoke.
“The more I talk, the more I realize. That I’ve done many unforgivable things to you. But, even though I know it’s incredibly shameless and brazen…”
“……”
“I like you.”
He finally uttered the sincere feelings that had been filling his heart, that he had wanted to convey all along.
“I know you won’t understand. How I could have done those things if I liked you.”
“……”
“…I was embarrassed. It seems I hated that while you seemed unaffected, I was the only one reacting to every single word you said. Because it felt like I was the only one fretting, the only one being swayed…”
Cha Yoon paused for a moment as if catching his breath, then continued.
“So even while hovering around you, I didn’t want to admit my feelings of liking you. I acted even worse, wanting to show that you meant nothing to me, just as I seemed to be nothing to you. I wanted to maintain my pride, at least. How stupid, for such a thing.”
“……”
“I regret everything. I know it’s laughable to say this after causing all this myself, but if I could sell my soul, I’d want to go back to square one. I want to go back to the day I first opened my eyes in the hospital, and instead of hurting you with words I didn’t mean, I want to thank you for waiting for me.”
Cha Yoon clasped his hands that were on the table. As if praying to a god. His reddened fingertips seemed to show his desperation.
“I know, all of this is nonsensical thinking. So I should stop being stubborn and sort things out, I know that’s right…”
“……”
“But I can’t give up. I’ve come to like you too much to kill these feelings.”
I’m sorry for being selfish even at a time like this. With these last words, Cha Yoon’s trembling voice stopped. Once again, a heavy silence fell between the two.
Seo-jung closed his eyes tightly and opened them again. It was because he felt a dizzying vertigo. It was natural, given that he had unexpectedly heard Cha Yoon’s confession twice in a row, followed by words of apology – a series of situations he had never expected.
A myriad of emotions tangled chaotically in his heart. Among them, the one that shone most clearly was still his foolishly remaining affection for Cha Yoon. There had been countless moments when he was hurt by Cha Yoon’s harsh words. Nevertheless, Seo-jung’s foolish heart refused to diminish. His feelings for Cha Yoon were deeply rooted.
Cha Yoon’s reddened eyes and his gaze fixed only on Seo-jung, his hands clasped as if showing desperation, his voice that had been trembling throughout – all these things pricked at Seo-jung’s heart, which had already become as fragile as it could be.
That’s why Seo-jung wavered more than ever. He, who was already exhausted beyond measure, wanted to just close his eyes and accept Cha Yoon. But what made Seo-jung come to his senses was the voice of Cha Yoon’s parents that he had heard sometime ago.
‘We’d like to meet for a moment.’
It was about two days after he had heard harsh words from Cha Yoon who had woken up in the hospital. While he was focusing solely on how to persuade Yoon, unable to sleep even for a moment, a phone call came. The caller was Cha Yoon’s parents.
The next day, he arrived earlier than the appointed time at the notified place. There was a hint of tension on Seo-jung’s face. It was natural. To them, he was nothing but a sinner. An orphan with nothing good about him who not only turned their perfectly fine son into a homosexual but also put him in the hospital. That was the label they had attached to Ki Seo-jung.
How much time had passed? With a sliding sound, the sliding door opened and Cha Yoon’s parents arrived. Seo-jung gave a small greeting to them, whom he was seeing for the first time since meeting them in Cha Yoon’s hospital room right after the accident.
Of course, there was no reply. They blurted out their business without any pleasantries, as if they felt no need to spare even a moment.
‘You’re not thinking of continuing to meet him when he’s lost his memory, are you?’
Although he had heard this from them a month ago, he still had no immunity to it. It was because he had never once thought about parting with Cha Yoon in the past 7 years. Unable to give the answer they expected, Seo-jung couldn’t make any particular response. Noticing this, they also made an expression of disbelief.
‘My son has ended up in such a state because of you, and you’re still thinking of sticking by his side? Do you really have no shame?’
‘…I know you’re very displeased with me. But I can’t leave Yoon. As you said, Yoon was badly hurt because of me. So I want to spend my life by his side, paying it back…’
They coldly sneered before Seo-jung could finish speaking and continued.
‘That’s precisely why you should disappear from Yoon’s life. He can finally live a normal life now, and here you are, trying to mortgage my son’s life with such ridiculous reasons.’
‘……’
‘Do you even know what happened to our family because of you alone?’
Seo-jung couldn’t say anything in response. Because their words were the unembellished truth. It had been two years since Cha Yoon had cut off contact with his parents, constantly clashing with them over the reason of dating a man.
On the day he accidentally learned about this, Cha Yoon had repeatedly told him not to think strange thoughts, saying that Ki Seo-jung alone was enough for him. But it wasn’t something Seo-jung could brush off lightly. For Seo-jung, who was a complete orphan, the meaning of family was too great. The fact that he had ruined something important to the person he loved with his own hands settled as a huge sense of guilt, occasionally tormenting Seo-jung.
Perhaps reading the truth in Seo-jung’s expression, an incredulous voice was heard.
‘My goodness, it seems you knew. And you’ve been so shameless all this time despite knowing…’
This is why those without parents are no good, how did something like this get attached to Yoon… They muttered as if talking to themselves, but in reality, it was meant for Seo-jung to hear.
‘Haven’t you thought that you’re trying to sever a heavenly bond? We are ultimately family tied by blood with Yoon. How could you ruin the relationship between parents and child like this? Don’t tell me you want to make our Yoon a person without parents too?’
‘…That’s not it.’
‘If not, then show it with actions, not just words. Stop being so stubborn and stay away from Yoon.’
‘Mother, please listen to me…’
‘Who’s your mother? Enough, we clearly told you to break up with Yoon. This is the last time we’re asking nicely, so behave accordingly. Understood?’
Having said their piece, Cha Yoon’s parents left the place. Only Seo-jung remained, unable to leave for a long time.
Seo-jung had no choice but to mull over the conversation he had with them. The guilt of taking away family from the person he loved, and the sense of debt for depriving him of the opportunity to form a conventional family that society expects, once again tormented Seo-jung.
This guilt took deeper root in Seo-jung’s heart, weighing him down. The realization that his presence was making Cha Yoon more unhappy endlessly constricted Seo-jung’s heart.
An all too familiar self-reproach. The only difference from before was that Cha Yoon, who would have cut off these thoughts, was not by his side. Thus, due to the absence of the one person who could hold him back, he was continuously driven towards the cliff.
It was the next morning when Seo-jung came to his senses again. Tracing the numerous traces left by Cha Yoon, he finally stood up on his own with his last bit of strength.
Seo-jung left the house immediately. Someone might point fingers at him, calling him selfish. Still, he wanted to meet Cha Yoon one more time. Even though Cha Yoon might not want to see him, even though Cha Yoon might be the one who wants to end it like this more than anyone else… Nevertheless, Seo-jung couldn’t give up his feelings like this.
Just as Cha Yoon had done to him in the past, if he kept persisting, maybe something could change. Following this thought filled with hope, he found himself in front of Cha Yoon’s hospital room before he knew it.
Seo-jung took a small deep breath and pulled the swinging door. The door opened silently and smoothly, and through the slightly opened gap, voices could be heard.
‘Really? He told you to quit? He told you not to come out?’
‘Ah, my ears hurt.’
‘Stop avoiding the question and answer properly!’
‘Would I lie about quitting? Get your face out of the way.’
Seo-jung stopped all his movements right there. The conversation that flowed through the gap was only four sentences, but it was impossible not to know that it was related to Cha Yoon’s workplace.
Saying he should quit, what does that mean? It was something he had never heard about. Seo-jung tried to ignore his pounding heart and listened more carefully.
‘What ridiculous people? Who do they think they are… Hey, forget it. From what I saw when you worked there before, the benefits weren’t that great either. Now that this has happened, look for somewhere else. So…’
‘There’s no need to look.’
‘Huh?’
‘It’ll be the same anywhere else. I was fired because I became disqualified in the first place. What crazy people would hire me?’
‘What… So, what’s going to happen?’
‘What can happen? I just can’t do that job anymore.’
At Cha Yoon’s unexpected answer, both the woman talking with him and Seo-jung who was listening swallowed their breath. After a few seconds of silence, the woman’s voice burst out, sounding bewildered.
‘Hey, what do you mean you can’t? When you’re all healed..!’
‘What, are you telling me to live waiting for that indefinitely?’
Cha Yoon made the excited woman’s voice stop at once.
‘My head feels like it’s going to split several times a day, and even the doctors don’t know the cause. So they can’t give a definite answer on when I’ll be okay.’
‘……’
‘As you said, I might get better tomorrow. But I’m not a kid anymore, I’m past the age of waiting for miracles.’
‘…Then what are you going to do from now on?’
‘It’s okay. It’s not like that was the only thing I could do anyway.’
I guess flying wasn’t my destiny after all. At first glance, it sounded like an indifferent voice, but Seo-jung could tell. Cha Yoon’s true emotions hidden inside. It was bitterness. No, those three words were not enough to describe it. It was an emotion even deeper and heavier than that. Although he pretended to be nonchalant, the sense of loss contained within pressed down on Seo-jung’s chest.
Seo-jung was the person who had watched Cha Yoon from the closest position. He knew better than anyone how sincere and how hard-working Cha Yoon had been about his job as a pilot. That’s why he couldn’t help but know that Cha Yoon’s words of “it’s okay” were nothing but lies to deceive himself.
Seo-jung left the hospital as if running away. He couldn’t stay there any longer.
From that day on, Seo-jung thought about the things Cha Yoon had lost, day and night. About his dream, family, normal life, many things that made up Cha Yoon.
Because he loved him, there were so many things Seo-jung wanted to give to Cha Yoon. For Yoon, he wouldn’t have minded giving everything he had. But as if to tell him this wish was greed, he had instead taken away many things from him. This fact finally made Seo-jung, who had been precariously standing, fall.
Cha Yoon, who had already been living having given up countless things, now even lost the job he loved, and he didn’t even have the memories of loving together. His thoughts kept heading towards the bottom. Seo-jung, unable to escape from the endless cycle of thoughts, finally reached one conclusion.
Rather than forcibly imposing a relationship that couldn’t even be properly revealed to others, disappearing like this would be the way for Cha Yoon. That there was no place for him by Cha Yoon’s side anymore. That it was truly time for everything to return to its rightful place.
