Chapter 42
It had only been a few hours since he carried the unconscious Ki Seo-jung out of the X House. With Seo-jung still not awake, Cha Yoon couldn’t be at ease with just the doctor’s words. He felt he needed to see Seo-jung open his eyes with his own eyes to be reassured. Others might think it irrational, but that’s how Cha Yoon felt.
He looked down at the pale face with closed eyes, unaware of his own feelings. His gaze stopped at the lips, still tinged red, after passing over the straight forehead and nose that matched the owner’s personality.
At the same time, he remembered how Ki Seo-jung had conspicuously avoided the seafood hot pot during dinner.
It was all a misunderstanding. Seo-jung hadn’t refused to eat; he couldn’t eat. Not knowing this, Cha Yoon had pushed an innocent person and ultimately caused this situation.
His mind, full of anxiety and impatience, began to transform into anger. The red-hot anger blinded both his eyes and heart. He had no presence of mind to consider why he was so worried, or why he cared so much about something he wouldn’t have given a second thought to if it were someone else. He was just looking for someone to blame.
“Damn it, you should have said something…”
The arrow of his pent-up emotions finally pointed towards Ki Seo-jung. How hard was it to say you can’t eat because of an allergy? It was frustrating and annoying that Seo-jung had once again eaten away at himself, as he always did, unable to say that one simple thing.
This wasn’t the first time. Ki Seo-jung had already created similar situations several times. He acted as if others were more important than himself, as if it were natural.
In the short time he had known him, Cha Yoon had seen more instances than he could count on one hand. So what about the times when he wasn’t around? How many countless times must this have happened for him to act so naturally? As his thoughts reached this point, his already inflamed emotions boiled even more.
As he sat there, unable to calm his uncontrollable feelings, Seo-jung’s fingers, which had been lying motionless, moved. Cha Yoon, not missing the slight movement, jumped up from his seat in surprise.
After a while, the fluttering eyelashes lifted. Seo-jung’s eyes appeared between his eyelids. His face was still dazed, perhaps from the medication.
“Are you coming to?”
“…”
“Do you recognize who I am?”
“…Cha Yoon.”
Meeting his eyes, Ki Seo-jung called his name in a voice devoid of strength. It was just two syllables, but hearing Seo-jung’s voice filled Cha Yoon with immense relief.
As his mind eased, anger welled up again. The 22-year-old Cha Yoon couldn’t suppress his momentary emotions. Although he knew it wasn’t right to say this to someone who was sick, he couldn’t help but scold him.
“Damn it, do you even know how much trouble you caused today?”
“…”
“If you have an allergy, you should say you can’t eat it. Is your mouth just for decoration? What the hell is this in the middle of the night?”
Once he started, the second sentence came easier. Despite Seo-jung’s quiet response, Cha Yoon poured out all the words that had been swirling inside him without holding back.
“Is your life a joke to you? Or what, did you think I’d be grateful that you ate it despite your allergy?”
“…”
“You seem to be misunderstanding something. What you did today wasn’t kind, it was foolish and stupid. You know that?”
“…”
“Even being a pushover, shit, you need to do it in moderation for people to let it slide.”
“…Haa.”
The more he spoke, the more he remembered the anxious moments of the early morning. It was a terrible time he never wanted to experience again. Cha Yoon unknowingly raised his voice. The seemingly endless stream of words soon stopped. It was because of Seo-jung’s small sigh.
Cha Yoon, closing his mouth, frowned. Far from showing remorse, Seo-jung sighed as if he didn’t want to hear it, which certainly didn’t improve Cha Yoon’s mood.
“What’s with that sigh? What do you think you’ve done right to…”
“I didn’t eat it expecting to hear thanks.”
“I never intended to tell you about it in the first place, Cha Yoon.” Ki Seo-jung, who had been listening silently all along, finally spoke. Seo-jung slowly raised his body. Barely sitting up on the bed, he closed his eyes for a moment, seemingly dizzy, then opened them again.
Cha Yoon’s shadow, still standing in front of him, darkened his vision. Seo-jung slowly lifted his head. As soon as their eyes met, Cha Yoon asked in an even lower voice.
“What do you mean by what you just said?”
“What?”
“You said you never intended to tell me.”
From Cha Yoon’s perspective, he couldn’t help but react sensitively. He had already suffered a great emotional blow two days ago due to Ki Seo-jung’s unauthorized overnight stay – and everyone else knew about it except him. With that wound not properly healed, a similar incident occurred, and it would have been stranger if he didn’t overreact.
“I don’t know what further explanation you want. It’s exactly as I said. I had no intention of telling you about my allergy, Cha Yoon.”
“Why?”
“…”
“Why keep it a secret from me?”
It felt like Ki Seo-jung was drawing a line with him, and somehow Cha Yoon found it hard to bear. Unlike Cha Yoon’s harshly crumpled expression, Ki Seo-jung’s face was utterly calm.
“You’re not going to answer?”
Seeing that expression made him feel even worse, as if he was the only one getting worked up. He kept urging Seo-jung, who remained silent. Seo-jung closed his eyes deeply and then opened them.
“Why should I have to explain that again?”
“Because…!”
“Cha Yoon.”
Just as he was about to argue that of course they should share such things since they were roommates, Seo-jung mercilessly cut off Cha Yoon’s words.
His physical condition was still at rock bottom, and his mind was exhausted. In the space left alone with Cha Yoon without cameras, Seo-jung brought up the story he had been holding back.
“You already knew.”
“…”
“You’re the one who forgot, aren’t you?”
As if his previously calm expression had been a lie, Ki Seo-jung’s face was now full of sorrow. At that moment, Cha Yoon’s mind went blank, and he couldn’t utter a word.
Seeing Seo-jung’s expression steeped in sadness, the anger that had been boiling inside him vanished without a trace.
Unaware of Cha Yoon’s feelings, Seo-jung gripped the edge of the bed and tried to stand up. Cha Yoon, finally coming to his senses, spoke.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m going back.”
“Where do you think you’re going in that condition?”
Seo-jung didn’t even glance at Cha Yoon, who was blocking his way. He just rubbed the back of his hand where the needle was inserted. Though it was a small gesture, Cha Yoon could clearly see what Ki Seo-jung was thinking. He looked ready to pull out the inserted needle at any moment.
Cha Yoon grabbed Seo-jung’s hand. Unlike before, the grip on his wrist wasn’t painful, but Seo-jung still couldn’t easily pull it away. Swallowing a sigh, he spoke.
“Let go.”
“…”
“I said let go of this.”
How much longer would they have to argue? As he was thinking this and met Cha Yoon’s eyes, it happened.
“I was wrong.”
“What…”
The words that came out of his mouth were so unexpected. Seo-jung blinked, seemingly surprised by the unanticipated statement.
“I’m sorry for talking like that. I shouldn’t have done that to someone who’s sick… It’s because my personality is shit.”
“…”
“I’m sorry for everything. So just get this treatment and go.”
A moment of silence passed. As Seo-jung pondered Cha Yoon’s words in the quiet space, his expression momentarily hardened. Then, a bitter laugh escaped him.
He had thought that the Cha Yoon he loved had long since disappeared, that he no longer existed. That the person standing before him only looked the same on the outside. That Ki Seo-jung’s Cha Yoon was gone now…
But even though he had lost his memories, Cha Yoon was still the same. Even while acting selfishly, when it was time to apologize, he would admit his faults with just this expression. Saying it was all his fault. That it was because his personality was shit. That hyung had done nothing wrong, like that.
He thought he could pretend not to be hurt only if he believed that everything that made up Cha Yoon had disappeared. But that wasn’t the case, and he had struggled unnecessarily on his own.
But now he understood. Nothing had changed. Only the love for him, only the existence of Ki Seo-jung had been erased. The Cha Yoon he loved was still standing right in front of him. Realizing this fact, his strength suddenly drained away.
He knew that you had done nothing wrong. He knew better than anyone that you were the one who least wanted to lose your memories.
Nevertheless, he resented Cha Yoon for losing his memories. He blamed him, asking how he could forget all their memories together. He resented Cha Yoon, who had been injured to save him, for that reason alone. It was an incredibly selfish act.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
