They say that when you’re too shocked, your body freezes and your mind goes blank. Won-hyeok stopped completely, still holding his forehead just like that. One of the reasons he hated rut was that, during that period, his reason didn’t obey him as well as usual.
Won-hyeok placed great importance on maintaining his rationality, because he lived his life hiding his true nature and pretending to be a good person. But when he went into rut, the thread of his reason loosened precariously without him even realizing it, while only his desire swelled, so of course he couldn’t possibly welcome it.
And in this very moment, he realized that the thing he had feared most had finally happened.
“Have you ever given someone a handjob?”
“…Fuck, there’s not even any hair here.”
“Lift your head already. Let me see your face.”
In the memories surfacing in his mind, his pants had been pulled down, and Kang Han-gyeom was gripping his cock with a face that looked ready to burst. In the hazy scene that billowed up after that, they had even gone as far as rubbing against each other with their cocks pressed together.
Had Kang Han-gyeom come to his house yesterday? When had he come? His memory wasn’t intact. The only thing vividly clear was the sensation of holding Kang Han-gyeom in his arms and feeling that pleasant pleasure.
“Jesus Christ, fuck.”
Won-hyeok raked a hand roughly through his hair. What made even less sense was that Kang Han-gyeom was a beta. People often said things like that. That alphas and omegas were relationships bound to be drawn to each other by instinct, and that during heats, when desire deepened, alphas would naturally seek omegas, and omegas would of course seek alphas and want them.
But Kang Han-gyeom wasn’t an omega. He was a beta. Someone who didn’t even produce pheromones. And yet Won-hyeok had clutched someone like that desperately, like a man dying of thirst. To begin with, he had never really felt that much attraction or instinct even toward most omegas. But in that moment, it really had seemed like all he wanted was to touch Kang Han-gyeom.
Won-hyeok bit down hard on his lip. This wasn’t the time to be thinking about that. There was still a problem far more serious and important than that left unresolved.
“Ah… I want to put it in.”
Did they go all the way, or not.
“……”
His memory cut off completely after those words left his mouth. It wasn’t just that he could vaguely make out what was ahead through fog—his vision went fully black, and he couldn’t see anything at all.
Won-hyeok gnawed at his nails. If they really had gone all the way, then that was where things became truly serious. It wasn’t as if they had slept together by mutual consent, and they weren’t even tied together in anything like a romantic relationship. If he, completely out of his mind from rut, had forced it…
“…I’m so fucked.”
Won-hyeok hurriedly searched around for his phone. When he found it fallen under the sofa and picked it up, messages from his classmates asking if his condition was better came pouring in. He brushed all of them aside and quickly opened his contacts to find Han-gyeom’s number.
But before long, the hand about to press the saved number stopped dead.
What exactly was he supposed to say if he called? Did you and I go all the way? Did I shove it inside you? Even that sounded absurd. And on top of that, even if Kang Han-gyeom answered yes, Won-hyeok had no idea how he should deal with that.
For now, rather than contacting him right away, the best method was to meet Kang Han-gyeom in person and feel him out. Whatever the case, he himself had not been in his right mind then—he had been in rut.
Won-hyeok tossed his phone aside and collapsed heavily onto the sofa. Lately he had been thinking that each day was dull, but the moment he did, a massive event had exploded with a bang.
Won-hyeok slowly closed his eyes. Ironically enough, what floated up through the blacked-out darkness of his vision was Kang Han-gyeom panting in his arms, and the clean soap scent he’d caught from his hair.
***
“Kang Han-gyeom.”
“……”
“Kang Han-gyeom student?”
A question mark crept into the teaching assistant’s voice as she called his name while scanning the attendance list. Just then, one of the classmates sitting next to him lightly tapped Han-gyeom’s arm, since he’d been staring blankly up at the ceiling.
“Hey, they’re calling attendance.”
“Ah… yes!”
Startled, Han-gyeom shot his hand into the air, and for an instant the TA sent him a displeased look. He had nearly been marked absent even though he was there. Feeling relieved, Han-gyeom didn’t forget to whisper a quiet thank-you to the classmate who had saved him from the danger of being marked absent.
Once attendance was finished, the professor came in soon after, and class began without issue. Normally, Han-gyeom would have shown more focus than anyone else in moments like this, but today, instead of looking at the screen with the PowerPoint on it, he just stared blankly off somewhere else.
“Have you ever given someone a handjob?”
The moment that voice echoed in his mind, what had happened that day—Friday—suddenly rose up in his head, and he unconsciously sucked in a sharp breath.
He had done that sort of thing with a sunbae who had been out of his mind from rut. And not just anyone, but someone he had admired and liked all along. With his bias, the one he had only ever watched from behind every single time!
His face burned hot, and his head naturally drooped like a fully ripened stalk of rice. In truth, he hadn’t been able to think about anything else all weekend. That incident had left red abrasions across his palm, and every time he saw them, he remembered sunbae’s large hand and that big, thick thing, enough to keep him from sleeping.
It had been an accident, and because of that, he knew no other meaning could possibly be inserted into it. If he really had to define it, hadn’t he only helped make a sick person feel a little more comfortable? The method had just been a little embarrassing. But there was just no way to control this pounding, fluttering heart.
No. I need to focus on class.
Before he knew it, midterm season would be right around the corner. Han-gyeom straightened his back and reset his posture, but then he suddenly felt a faint pain in his butt. It hadn’t even been three seconds since he had resolved to focus, and already his mind was a complete mess again.
Right after they had both come, Won-hyeok had muttered something incomprehensible and slipped his hand into Han-gyeom’s pants. The sensation of something parting his ass had been so startling it made his skin crawl. The moment that hand touched the most sensitive place, a startled Han-gyeom reflexively swatted Won-hyeok’s arm away hard.
Because of that, he toppled off the sofa and onto the floor, landing hard on his butt and ending up with a bruise.
After that, the situation ended completely.
Won-hyeok, who had been breathing hard as though savoring the afterglow of orgasm, drowsily fluttered his eyelids, then simply closed his eyes. After cleaning things up, Han-gyeom laid the now-sleeping Won-hyeok down on the sofa, then left the house.
If he hadn’t pushed Won-hyeok away then, what would have happened?
Clatter—
Inside the lecture hall, where only the professor’s voice had been echoing, the bright sound of something hitting a desk rang out. At once, everyone’s eyes turned toward Han-gyeom, the source of the noise.
“I-I’m sorry.”
As Han-gyeom awkwardly scratched his head and lowered it, the professor gave a dry cough and resumed the lecture.
Later on, he was so lost in pointless imaginings that he didn’t even realize class had ended. In the end, not a single thing from the lecture remained in his head. With no notes at all, Han-gyeom weakly gathered up his spotless major course textbook and headed to the student cafeteria for lunch, his steps dazed and vacant.
He ordered the cheapest menu item, sat down somewhere appropriate, and ate without even knowing whether the food was going in through his nose or his mouth, when a shadow fell over him.
“Can I sit here?”
Han-gyeom’s eyes slowly widened. Won-hyeok was standing in front of him. At the slight smile on his face as he looked down at him, Han-gyeom nodded as if entranced.
“Is that good? I’ve never tried it before.”
“I-it’s just… cheap, so I eat it. It tastes decent enough too.”
“Throw in a little more and eat something better. It’s not even that much more expensive.”
With an awkward smile from Han-gyeom, the two of them ate quietly. Even while he was eating, Han-gyeom kept sneaking glances at Won-hyeok’s face. He looked no different from usual, so thankfully, it seemed his physical condition had improved a lot.
“Han-gyeom, when’s your next class?”
“Uh, I have one in 20 minutes.”
“Then want to talk for a bit? We have something to talk about, don’t we?”
“Ah, yes.”
Han-gyeom swallowed hard and nodded. There was no way he couldn’t know why Won-hyeok was saying that.
He had once read in some book that when certain people with secondary genders went through severe heat cycles, they could lose their memories. In truth, Han-gyeom had secretly hoped Won-hyeok would be one of those cases. They had only just barely started becoming close as ordinary sunbae and hoobae, and he didn’t want something like this to drive them apart again.
“You came to my house on Friday, right?”
“Yes.”
The two of them headed toward a bench behind the student union building. Won-hyeok handed Han-gyeom an ion drink he had bought from the vending machine.
“…The truth is, I was in rut then, and the suppressants weren’t really working. That normally doesn’t happen, but that day in particular my body was unusually unstable.”
So that really was it. If the suppressants hadn’t worked, how hard must it have been for him? Surely it was a pain someone like Han-gyeom, who wasn’t one of those with a secondary gender, couldn’t even begin to imagine. And yet sunbae was the one directly suggesting they talk first like this. The person who must have been the most confused after losing his reason had to be sunbae more than anyone.
Han-gyeom gloomily lowered his eyes to the cold ion drink in his hand.
“I think I did something to you that I shouldn’t have… am I right?”
“Ah….”
So it seemed that kind of luck—the kind where his memory had completely vanished—wasn’t going to come to him after all. But still, he didn’t want to grow distant from Won-hyeok over something awkward like this.
Han-gyeom hesitated for a moment. Which direction should he lead this conversation in? And Won-hyeok, interpreting that silence another way, eventually bit his lip anxiously.
“Did I… how far did I—”
“I-I’m okay!”
“Huh?”
Having made up his mind, Han-gyeom abruptly lifted his head and blurted it out.
“…Okay? What do you mean by okay?”
“Just everything! You were in rut, sunbae, and if we’re calling it anything, then you were a patient.”
Han-gyeom let out an awkward little laugh and scratched his head. If Won-hyeok remembered everything, then with his kind personality, he would definitely overthink it and try too hard to take responsibility. If that happened, they would drift far away from an ordinary sunbae-hoobae relationship, and some awkward, uncomfortable line would be drawn between them. And before long, a thick, solid wall would probably be built there too.
And then he would go back to the days of secretly trailing after him and observing him from afar.
“O-okay? Really? No, more than that—what do you mean by everything?”
“Uh… I mean, it stung a little, and I got a bruise on my butt, but that’s nothing, really. I-it’ll be fine soon.”
“It stung… and you got a bruise on your butt?”
Han-gyeom wanted, somehow, to ease Won-hyeok’s guilt. He didn’t want Won-hyeok looking at him with that kind of uncomfortable feeling. They had only just gotten close. And it hadn’t even been easy to get this close.
So he said it, but contrary to what he had hoped, instead of Won-hyeok’s expression improving, he could see it darkening rapidly. Was he still troubled by it after all? Han-gyeom anxiously fidgeted with his fingers. Then what should he do? Simply saying he was okay clearly wasn’t enough—he needed some kind of convincing reason.
“A-actually, it wasn’t my first time or anything, and stuff like that happens to me pretty often!”
“……”
For an instant, Won-hyeok’s eyes turned vicious. Han-gyeom kept fiddling with the top of the drink can with his fingers as he went on.
“It wasn’t my first time or anything, and I-I’m pretty used to stuff like that. So you really don’t have to worry about it that much! If you’re feeling g-guilty or anything, you really don’t have to. Seriously….”
Trying to lie made him sweat for no reason. Han-gyeom wiped his forehead with his sleeve and just fidgeted with his glasses. Still, it wasn’t as though everything he said was completely false. Masturbation, at least, was something Han-gyeom, being a guy, had naturally done a few times before.
Of course, he had never borrowed someone else’s hand or done anything for someone else, but in that sense, it wasn’t a hundred percent completely false.
The soft spring breeze blew around the bench. Leaves that had pushed their faces out from the stems of the plants surrounding it swayed gracefully in time with the wind.
Maybe the silence had grown a little awkward, because as Han-gyeom glanced at Won-hyeok, his next class suddenly came to mind. Come to think of it, his next general education course was in a building a bit farther away from here.
Hankuk University’s campus was notorious for being extremely large, so he couldn’t ignore the time it would take to walk to the classroom.
“Sunbae, I… I have class, so I should get going first.”
“Han-gyeom, wait…”
Before Won-hyeok could stop him, Han-gyeom gave a quick bow of his head and walked away without lingering.
Another sharp gust of wind blew through. Looking frustrated, Won-hyeok fiercely swept his hair back, then hurled the drink he was holding straight into the trash can.
The metal bin rattled loudly, and the students walking nearby flinched in shock, their shoulders jerking.
“Fuck, did that little shit just say he goes around having one-night stands right now?”
Like the crushed can inside the trash can, the furrow between Won-hyeok’s brows creased deeply too.
