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“…”
For some reason I felt like crying, and my exhaled breath trembled finely.
I had never wanted something like this.
Couldn’t he just stay as a friend? Was it so hard to pretend to accept an apology and go on as before like nothing happened? Was my request so selfish?
I resented Cedric.
It was a cruel act to completely eliminate the option of remaining friends. Now I could no longer pretend not to know.
‘Why me? Why…’
Like a fool who had lost his words, I only repeated that question.
My head was in complete chaos.
‘I don’t know what to do.’
I wasn’t ready yet – neither to accept nor to cut things off.
I wasn’t prepared for any of it.
“…Go back now.”
In the end, I sent him away and fled back to the mansion like I was running away. When I looked back as the garden grew distant, Cedric was sitting in that spot for a long time without moving.
* * *
〈…Go back now.〉
In fact, sooner or later, this was bound to happen.
Cedric already knew that despite saying he would give up and stop, he would ultimately ruin everything by being unable to let go of his feelings of love.
The overflowing emotions he felt when Edgar was kidnapped… had foreshadowed this ending. What he realized at the end was the bitter conclusion that he had no choice but to love this person after all.
In the end, he had poured out all his feelings.
And was rejected.
Because it was the despair he had expected, not even tears came.
If his choice this time leads to a situation similar to before his regression, then he would give up his life together with Edgar. Since I am now a life that cannot live without you, I will extinguish the flame of life together with you in that place.
Then you…
Would you hate me for obsessing over you gloomily even in death?
He got up unsteadily and left the mansion.
He escaped from that place where he might never be able to set foot again and returned to Soliwen territory.
That night, Cedric had a dream.
It was a childhood dream.
〈What’s your name?〉
A damp, dark, and narrow space. When I was trapped alone inside, trembling with fear, you would always appear and ask my name.
〈Don’t worry. I’ll stay with you forever.〉
With maturely smiling lips, with pretty green eyes.
That smile was so lovely that I wanted to have it.
But when I reached out my hand, it would disappear like an illusion and I would soon wake up in reality. As always.
“…”
Waking from sleep, Cedric gazed blankly at the morning sun streaming through the window, then got up from bed with a sigh.
He ate breakfast, went down to the training ground for sword practice, and handled the territorial duties assigned by the Grand Duke of Soliwen.
While spending his day according to his usual routine, the head butler approached Cedric with a familiar gesture and handed him an invitation.
“It’s from Young Master Edgar.”
Though it didn’t show outwardly, Cedric was greatly shaken at that moment. Of course, judging by the letter’s contents, it was an invitation to the salon that Edgar would send whenever he was bored… but considering what happened yesterday, he couldn’t believe that Edgar had sent this to him.
“…Good work. You may go.”
“Yes.”
After the head butler bowed and left the office, Cedric sat lost in thought for a long time, fingering the surface of the invitation.
A few days later, Cedric visited the Lowell mansion again as invited.
Since he always met Riette on the way to their territories, they had traveled together this time as well.
And Edgar, who came out to greet them…
“Welcome, Ret. Cedy.”
Was happily welcoming both of them as usual.
Cedric’s mind was confused. Did he want to act like nothing happened again? Was he completely ignoring reality?
As he stood there dumbfounded, not knowing how to interpret Edgar’s calm demeanor, the two people who had gone inside first looked back at him.
“…Aren’t you coming in?”
Edgar asked with a face that seemed more subdued and sunken than usual. From the way he kept glancing at Cedric, it didn’t seem like he had forgotten about the confession from last time.
“…”
Cedric silently stepped into the mansion. Only then did the two of them move toward the salon and continue their conversation.
“Eddie and Cedy, did you two have fun together last time?”
“Huh? Yeah. What about you, Ret? You met Gareth, right?”
“Me? Well… hehe. Do you want to hear about it?”
“Mm, no. I think I know enough without you saying more.”
“That’s mean. Be curious about what happened.”
Edgar chuckled at Riette’s complaint and brought out a plate of refreshments.
Since the two of them sat facing each other, Cedric hesitated before sitting next to Edgar, and Edgar glanced at him like a startled rabbit before turning his head back to its original position.
…Why was he like that?
Was it now awkward even to sit together?
When Cedric looked down with a dejected expression, Riette seemed to notice the strange atmosphere between Edgar and Cedric.
After rolling her eyes thoughtfully for a moment, Riette soon composed her expression and chatted with Edgar.
“Ah! Speaking of which, Eddie, when will your house arrest be lifted? I’m supposed to go to a villa with Gareth… and I thought it would be better if Cedy and you came along too.”
“Playing at a villa sounds good. But where is this villa?”
“In the west, the Leonhardt family villa. Is it too far?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to my parents about it. It’s about time they lifted it anyway.”
“Great! Cedy, what about you?”
This time Riette’s question was directed at Cedric.
Edgar, who had been stubbornly looking only at Riette like a broken machine, finally sneakily turned his gaze.
Cedric replied plainly.
“If Eddie goes, I’ll go too.”
Instantly Riette’s eyes widened and she quickly checked Edgar’s condition. Edgar was hanging his head down with his face flushed red up to his neck.
Convinced that there was definitely something between the two, Riette later found an appropriate moment to leave the salon, saying she was going to the bathroom. Though Cedric noticed Riette’s scheming, he calmly let her go.
“…”
“…”
Edgar sat stiffly, emanating an awkward atmosphere, then cut a small piece of cake with his fork and pushed it into his mouth. He looked quite anxious, pitiful even.
Was being alone together that burdensome?
Then why did he call me here?
Instead of thoroughly ignoring me or pushing me away like before. Why?
While watching Edgar intently with these questions, Cedric suddenly reached out and wiped away the cream on Edgar’s lips.
Just as he was sucking the cream off his thumb to clean it…
Edgar, who had been startled as if struck by lightning, turned his face red again after it had finally calmed to white.
“I-if something was on me, you should have just said so.”
And Cedric found Edgar’s reaction puzzling.
He had missed it earlier because he wasn’t looking at Edgar, but now that they were properly facing each other… didn’t he look exactly like someone who was embarrassed?
“…”
Cedric wasn’t oblivious.
Especially since Edgar was someone who easily showed his emotions on his face.
At that point, he noticed that the reaction was strangely different from one of dislike, and observed Edgar carefully.
After thinking briefly, he decided to be brave and picked up a small piece of cake with his fork, bringing it to Edgar’s mouth.
“Don’t make a mess getting it on yourself. Here.”
Actually, he didn’t expect Edgar to accept it.
He expected him to push it away in disgust or get angry.
He was anticipating that, but Edgar kept his mouth tightly shut, then suddenly opened it wide and ate it with a “chomp,” then turned his face back to its original position as if nothing had happened.
His flushed white cheeks were moving as he chewed.
“…??”
Question marks appeared in Cedric’s mind.
Though he didn’t properly understand the situation, somehow his mood lifted and his heart beat loudly.
He moved close to Edgar’s profile, who wouldn’t look at him, and stared intently before touching his white cheek with his fingertip. Then Edgar flinched and pulled one shoulder back like a pill bug.
“…Why.”
“…Just. Because I like you.”
“…”
“I like you, Eddie.”
“…You don’t need to repeat what you already said last time.”
Edgar didn’t pretend it never happened either.
Cedric wondered if he was still dreaming.
He even tried placing his hand on Edgar’s and fidgeting with it, and while Edgar would startle each time, he didn’t avoid the contact or push him away.
‘This is strange.’
Even while thinking that, he lost track of how time was passing. Seeing the reactions that clearly showed Edgar was conscious of him, he felt like he was floating through the sky. And that feeling continued until Riette returned and it was time to go home.
‘What is this?’
Only one question remained in Cedric’s mind. A few days later, Edgar sent Cedric another invitation.
It was slightly different from usual – an invitation asking him to visit alone without telling Riette.
He immediately went to find Edgar. When he arrived at the Lowell mansion, Edgar, who had come out to greet him today as well, rolled his eyes awkwardly.
“…Hello.”
“…Yeah.”
“…”
“I got your letter. Why did you call me?”
When Cedric spoke first, Edgar also seemed to have resolved something in his heart. He looked directly at Cedric with a determined expression.
“I called you because I have something to talk to you about. Come in.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
