#074
“Physical contact… is necessary? So you had physical contact with another man besides me? Lee Jaeha!”
Shin Haejun looked at me with a hardened face. It was an expression that seemed to intuitively understand it wasn’t just hand-holding.
I bit my lip hard and lowered my head. I didn’t have the courage to see what expression Shin Haejun was looking at me with.
“Do you have the right to look at Jaeha like that?”
“What are you saying? You’re the one eyeing someone else’s lover! When I guided, I only held hands because I had to, I didn’t do anything else!”
Shin Haejun’s voice, full of anger, echoed loudly in the room. I shrunk my shoulders and closed my eyes tightly. Hearing the thunderous voice, my body automatically stiffened. Honestly, I even felt resentful towards Hyun Dowoon for bringing up this topic and making the atmosphere worse.
“I see you feel guilty about guiding with Kim Sehyun Guide. You’re quick to mention that even though no one said anything.”
“That’s because you brought up qualifications!”
“Shin Haejun Esper, act your age. Don’t speak informally to me. I mentioned qualifications because it’s because of you that Jaeha had to guide in the first place.”
Hyun Dowoon struck back at Shin Haejun as sharply as Shin Haejun was raging with anger.
Hearing Hyun Dowoon’s words, Shin Haejun suddenly stopped shouting.
“You’re yelling without even noticing that Jaeha is stiffening up, startled by the loud noise. Do you really think about Jaeha properly?”
“That’s…!”
“If you hadn’t let go of Jaeha and saved Kim Sehyun Guide in the first place, there would have been no need for him to guide me inside. Jaeha went through that, but he tried not to blame you. Isn’t your anger misplaced?”
Listening to Hyun Dowoon’s words, it felt like he was getting angry on my behalf. Somehow, I felt like I was about to cry and blinked my eyes, when I heard Shin Haejun taking a long sigh with trembling breath.
“Even though you seem to think about Jaeha, in the end, you prioritized your own safety. Do you have the right to call yourself a lover after that? If I hadn’t gone in, Jaeha might have been trapped in there forever and died.”
“I could have saved him! I was constantly attacking from outside-”
Shin Haejun tried to argue. I couldn’t bear to listen anymore and suddenly stood up, looking at Shin Haejun.
“I almost died in there. It was a boss that couldn’t be escaped unless under very special circumstances. Thanks to your attacks, the dungeon core was slightly cracked, but honestly, without the Center Director, I might not have even seen the dungeon core in the first place.”
“…Jaeha.”
“I know you tried to get me out from the outside. I felt guilty when I had to do contact guiding inside. Because I felt sorry for you. But… the Center Director is right too. You and I are in the same position to begin with… What’s the difference between you receiving guidance from Kim Sehyun and me guiding others?”
I stared straight at Shin Haejun’s face, which was gradually contorting with pain, as I spoke.
“I know you regretted it outside… but I don’t know. I tried not to think about the moment you let go of me, even intentionally. I tried not to mention that I almost died. But… I really don’t know…”
I mumbled, placing my hand on my forehead. My thoughts were all jumbled up, making it hard to think properly.
I liked Shin Haejun because of his direct and honest personality. I thought it was okay because he only showed me his honest side, and he only stabbed others with his words.
‘But… the Shin Haejun who abandoned the citron honey is still the same.’
I realized that if a situation came where he needed to stab someone, he would stab me too. I can’t always see only the good sides of Shin Haejun.
I also thought that at the very least, he shouldn’t have mentioned Kim Sehyun as if he felt guilty.
It felt like the relationship we had built up was crumbling like a sand castle in my hands. I was disappointed in Hyun Dowoon, then I liked Shin Haejun, then I saw Hyun Dowoon again and was disappointed in Shin Haejun again…
‘Is there something wrong with me?’
Is it because I’m unlucky, easily swayed, or not wise enough that I can’t build good relationships?
Usually, I think about wanting to die, so why do I feel wronged that I almost died because Shin Haejun let go of me and saved Kim Sehyun?
“Jaeha, Jaeha hyung. I was wrong. I was wrong, so please don’t make that expression, okay?”
As I stood still, looking down, Shin Haejun leaned in with a pained expression and apologized. His hand immediately touched my eyes, wiping away the wetness. Only then did I realize I was crying.
“I wasn’t in a position to do that to you. I was wrong, okay?”
Shin Haejun tried to calm me down. But as time passed, the feeling of being wronged kept popping up.
It’s already unfair that I was dragged into this world without knowing anything, so why should I suffer over something like this?
Why did I have to become the villain and go through all this trouble in the first place? All I wanted was to have someone who would always be honest with me and love only me, so why does it still feel like there’s no such person by my side? It seems like everyone else in the world finds someone easily, am I asking for too much?
In reality, and here too, I…
For a moment, my mind went blank. I couldn’t think of anything. It felt like all the emotions that had been tormenting me had subsided, leaving me empty. I tried to breathe in, hiccuping.
“Jaeha.”
As I kept looking around with blurry vision, suddenly my arm was gripped with firm strength. There was a tapping sound in front of me, and when I blinked and looked, Hyun Dowoon was looking straight at me while making a sound with finger snaps.
“Stop thinking. Shin Haejun Esper, where is Jaeha’s medicine?”
“In Jaeha’s pants pocket… I should go find some water.”
I heard the two of them talking. I blinked blankly while my wrist was being held. Soon after, a small pill and water entered my mouth.
“Swallow.”
As I swallowed as instructed by the firm voice, a moment later, my thoughts disappeared in a different sense. It seemed they had given me the anti-anxiety medication they always kept on hand.
When I slowly closed and opened my eyes, I saw Shin Haejun looking at me with a worried expression, and Hyun Dowoon with an expressionless face. I was in a state of sitting on the floor.
“Are you feeling a bit calmer now?”
Hyun Dowoon asked me. I nodded. Shin Haejun and Hyun Dowoon were looking at me with stiff faces.
“It seems we can’t go on like this due to anxiety.”
“…What?”
“Jaeha has great abilities and performed well in dungeon clearing. Once we get out of the dungeon, creating a team for Jaeha shouldn’t be a problem. However…”
When there’s a ‘however’, it’s usually a rejection. I frowned a bit, feeling wronged, and waited for Hyun Dowoon to continue.
“I think it would be dangerous if Jaeha shows such unstable behavior again inside the dungeon.”
“What? I, I won’t die…”
I can’t die before leaving this world.
As I was thinking that, I couldn’t say anything to what followed.
“It’s not good that such thoughts come to your mind first when I speak.”
I fiddled with my fingers and bit my lip.
“It’s a problem that’s not under Jaeha’s control, isn’t it?”
“That’s…”
“Jaeha should be the leader and find team members. You can’t go into the dungeon alone. At least not until your primary physician approves it.”
Hyun Dowoon spoke with a firm tone. It was clear that he wouldn’t help with team creation unless this condition was met.
But… I’m alone even here, how can I find team members?
“I can do it alone. There’s no problem with dungeon clearing, so why do I have to do that?”
“It’s not that I don’t trust Jaeha’s clearing abilities. But even awakened ones who develop psychological issues during dungeon clearing are guaranteed counseling treatment and rest. At the very least, it seems you absolutely need someone by your side to support you if a situation like this occurs again.”
His tone left no room for negotiation.
“Ugh… Why, why are you pushing me like this? Just because you saved me doesn’t mean you have the right to do this!”
I glared at Hyun Dowoon, feeling tears welling up again. Shin Haejun and Hyun Dowoon’s faces wavered.
“You’re right, saving you doesn’t give me that right, and dating doesn’t give that right either. Jaeha urgently needs treatment and stability, needs someone who will acknowledge you, and needs to get away from what’s tormenting you.”
As he said this, Hyun Dowoon looked straight at Shin Haejun, not at me. When I blankly looked up at Shin Haejun, I felt him looking down at me with a hardened face.
“Shin Haejun Esper, Jaeha feels anxious about the very fact that you’re with Kim Sehyun Guide. The more you stay by Jaeha’s side, the more anxious Jaeha will become.”
“I…”
“If you don’t have the confidence to separate from Kim Sehyun Guide, stop stimulating Jaeha. Before feelings of love, Jaeha needs to distance himself from anxiety-triggering factors.”
Shin Haejun’s face was tinged with confusion. I blankly asked Hyun Dowoon.
“But Haejun… needs Kim Sehyun… They said an S-rank guide must be present.”
“That’s Shin Haejun Esper’s circumstance. It’s not something for Jaeha to consider. Is it right to stay by someone’s side without taking any measures while knowing your lover is anxious?”
“That’s… that’s…”
“Jaeha, stop thinking about others first and think about yourself. This relationship lasting long, it’s not very healthy. I’m not asking you to choose me. I want you to think about yourself first.”
I looked at Shin Haejun, seeking help. But Shin Haejun also seemed to have made some decision, clenching his fist, and didn’t help me.
“I didn’t think it was this bad… I’m too anxious to continue like this. Let’s just have someone accompany you for the clearing, even if you do the clearing alone. Okay?”
“But… who would go in with me?”
I don’t even have friends…
As I sighed and spoke, both of them said simultaneously:
“Let’s go together when I don’t have 1st team duties, we’ll schedule it.”
“Take me with you, I won’t do anything.”
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
