“……”
Kim Sibaek couldn’t answer and clutched his forehead. The question was also directed at himself from a long time ago, who had pretended not to notice the fervor in the eyes of Tae Woon, who was 14 years old—or perhaps even earlier, a time he couldn’t even remember. There was no way he could answer.
“…I told you not to hide when you feel something strange.”
“It is strange, hyung.”
Tae Woon slowly clenched and unclenched his fist. The black leather gloves he always wore made a sound distinctly different from that of bare skin rubbing together.
“I felt glimpses before when I lightly touched that divine power of yours. But just now, when it fully penetrated me, it felt incredibly strange. It was like every cell in my body awakened. Like plucking my eyeballs out, cleaning them thoroughly, and popping them back in again. Everything is crystal clear. I don’t know how long this feeling will last, but right now, I bet I could even see clearly the patterns on the wallpaper inside the apartment near the Eid Portal.”
“…….”
“My skin and nerves have become absurdly sensitive too.”
Tae Woon removed the glove from his right hand. Under the magical illumination floating high above, his hand was shockingly pale, tinged with a bluish hue. Unlike the desperate, clinging kisses earlier, his bloodless hand slowly reached toward Kim Sibaek’s face.
It was cold. The icy touch of the pale hand, veins visibly traced beneath its skin, felt closer to a corpse’s than a living human’s—
But before that thought could fully form, Tae Woon’s fingers slowly cupped Kim Sibaek’s face. His fingertips traced gently and deliberately—the straight forehead, the softly curved brows reflecting his temperament, the dense lashes beneath smooth, single-lidded eyes, the strong yet thoughtful gaze, the straight nose, neatly defined cheeks, and full lips. Those pale fingers carefully redrew his features.
Kim Sibaek stood silently, swallowing down the words that gathered heavily in his chest. It felt necessary. It was as if Tae Woon was reading his face with his fingertips rather than his eyes, engraving the details into memory.
Tae Woon’s hand lingered, brushing over the lower lip swollen red from the rough kiss, sliding slowly down the chin, grazing his Adam’s apple, before finally dropping away into empty air. Tae Woon exhaled slowly—he’d barely breathed the entire time he’d traced Kim Sibaek’s features.
“Sorry about suddenly kissing you earlier, hyung.”
“…….”
“But I really couldn’t help it. While these heightened senses were mine, I needed to memorize everything—the taste of your lips, how hot our breath mingled, how you responded to my kiss.”
“…….”
“It would’ve been better if we could’ve had sex.”
Eventually, it circled back to this. Kim Sibaek carefully composed himself before opening his mouth.
“Woon-ah, your feelings for me started 21 years ago. You were just a child then, and maybe you felt drawn to me simply because I was an adult nearby who seemed better than your peers, leading you to mistakenly think it was love. Those feelings inevitably fade with time…”
“You think I haven’t considered that?”
Tae Woon gently but firmly interrupted Kim Sibaek’s attempt at reasoning. He slipped the glove back on his right hand, lips lifting into a familiar, calm smile.
“‘If hyung finds out I like him, it’ll make things complicated. First loves never work out anyway. Isn’t this just admiration mistaken for love? He only helped me out of goodwill—I shouldn’t feel this way.’ I’ve thought through it all. There’s nothing I haven’t already considered.”
“…….”
“But hyung.”
Though he spoke of his own thoughts and feelings, Tae Woon’s voice was oddly detached. He sounded as though he were analyzing someone else named “Tae Woon” instead of himself.
“You saved me from that half-basement, where I might’ve died, and because of me, your life fell apart. Yet despite everything, you gave me a name and held my hand.”
His dry tone gradually softened, dreamlike, as he listed off the past.
“Giving someone a name is something parents do, isn’t it? For that child, you became a parent, a whole world—everything. Could there have ever been a future where that child didn’t fall in love with you, who was his one and only?”
“……That name……”
“I know. It belonged to your dead younger brother. Even knowing that, I was happy with it.”
His quiet voice slowly returned to the familiar Tae Woon.
“I truly love my name, hyung.”
Kim Sibaek’s tongue stiffened at the sheer calmness behind Tae Woon’s smile. When had Tae Woon discovered the truth—that he’d been given the name of Kim Sibaek’s dead brother? Kim Sibaek had been young himself at the time, so overwhelmed by grief that he’d overlapped Tae Woon with his brother and had even given him the same name. Later, he realized how cruel it had been, and he’d never been able to confess it.
“……The hanja are different.”
“It wouldn’t have mattered even if they were the same.”
Tae Woon smiled playfully, taking Kim Sibaek’s hand. His smile was unchanged from childhood, but the press of his lips against Kim Sibaek’s hand, the low timbre of his gentle lick, were undeniably that of an adult man.
“Do you still think that boy’s first love is just some fleeting puppy love that will fade immaturely?”
“……No.”
Kim Sibaek inhaled slowly, repeating the words as if to himself, firmly, carefully.
“No. And that’s exactly why it can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
“Woon-ah, I can’t accept your feelings. It’d be completely irresponsible for someone who’ll have to go back to leave behind something half-hearted like romance or love.”
“Hmm.”
Tae Woon tilted his head crookedly, a deep furrow appearing between his brows.
“There seems to be some misunderstanding here… I don’t particularly want to date you, hyung. And I’m not asking you to accept my feelings, either.”
“…Huh? Then what?”
“I told you clearly from the start. Sex. I want sex. It’s just adding sex to our current relationship, nothing else would really change, right?”
“…….”
An instant headache pulsed through Kim Sibaek’s temples, and he groaned softly, pressing his forehead.
“So, you’re saying you just want to sleep with me?”
“Exactly. Simply put—sex partners.”
Kim Sibaek reminded himself desperately that the Tae Woon in front of him wasn’t a fourteen-year-old child, but a thirty-five-year-old grown man. He tried very hard. He genuinely did. But the harder he tried, the clearer the innocent, pure child from his memories emerged in his mind. Finally, unable to restrain himself any longer, the stubborn ninety-seven-year-old began repeatedly smacking Tae Woon’s back.
“Tae Woon! Sex partners? Who taught you nonsense like that! Have you been going to clubs, drinking, dancing, having random one-night stands, huh?!”
“Ow! Ow! Hyung, that really hurts! How can your hand still sting this much? Ow!”
“Are you still going these days?!”
“Nooo… I’ve never even stepped into a club! The club regular is Pi Minhyung, not me!”
“What?!”
“Well, he stopped going after he had kids.”
“Minhyung has kids?! When did he get married?”
“He didn’t.”
“……!”
“He already has two kids.”
“How young was he when he screwed up like that?!”
Having successfully offered Pi Minhyung as a scapegoat, Tae Woon quickly stepped aside, rubbing his stinging back while Kim Sibaek stood frozen in shock. Strangely, the lingering sting made him smile, pleased that he could still vividly feel Kim Sibaek’s touch.
Moving closer to Kim Sibaek, who seemed completely drained of strength, Tae Woon leaned in, murmuring suggestively into his ear.
“Should we do it right here? I wouldn’t mind outdoor play either.”
“No, we won’t!”
“Oh, come on. It’s been a long time for you too, hyung. I’m sure you’ve got plenty built up by now. If you’re not comfortable immediately going all the way because you’ve never done it with a man before, how about we start by jerking off together first?”
“Jer—”
Instinctively raising his hand to slap Tae Woon’s back again and scold him for using such crude language, Kim Sibaek stopped midway upon meeting Tae Woon’s eyes. Expectation shimmered clearly in those eyes. But what exactly was he expecting?
“…….”
Kim Sibaek stared at his own hand, still raised.
“…No, forget it. Just forget it.”
Dropping his hand, he shook his head decisively and started walking briskly away. Tae Woon quickly caught up, hugging him tightly from behind.
“…….”
A subtle curiosity flickered in Tae Woon’s eyes. Just a few hours ago, Kim Sibaek would have tensed noticeably at such intimate touches. But this time, after only a brief shudder, he stayed still.
This response was just like Kim Sibaek, bringing a quiet smile to Tae Woon’s lips. Perhaps he’d chosen to face Tae Woon’s raw desire for sex rather than the heavy, unrequited love he couldn’t reciprocate. Maybe, in doing so, it had opened up a slightly greater possibility.
Suppressing the urge to press his lips against the pale nape exposed beneath Kim Sibaek’s dark hair and bite gently, Tae Woon instead contented himself by softly grazing his fingertips against the warm skin.
“Can I tempt you?”
“…Don’t.”
Though Kim Sibaek’s voice was firm despite his exhaustion, Tae Woon, who’d grown up thoroughly spoiled and indulged by his hyung, had no intention of obeying that command from the very start.
