“…My aunt.”
Getting expelled from school would be a given. I would have to endure the changed gazes of everyone who knew me. No, it felt like even people who had briefly passed by would all know. There would be nowhere for me to escape, nowhere to accept me.
I was saddened by the reality of being left alone, which I had newly realized, and by the miserably naked situation surrounding me.
I swallowed the tears that were about to well up. The metallic taste of blood, spreading from my molars, lingered on the tip of my tongue. I didn’t want to show Woo Tae-seon my miserable tears, right here, right now, in front of him.
“Tell me.”
“If my aunt finds, finds out. It can’t happen. I’m scared, hnn, that’s why I did it.”
Woo Tae-seon, who had been close enough to press down on me, moved away. His distancing from me didn’t reassure me. It was like throwing his own body as kindling into my quietly burning anxiety, and fanning it with his last breath.
“I’m sorry. I, I was wrong.”
Stumbling toward the distant Woo Tae-seon, I firmly pulled on his collar. Please don’t be angry. Don’t throw a tantrum. I begged and begged in my mind.
“From, from now on, I’ll, I’ll tell you, nngh, I’ll tell you everything…”
“That’s right. From now on, don’t bring strange men into your house where you live alone. Okay?”
His suddenly gentle hand held my face and slowly rubbed my cheek, which was barely holding back. As if he were comforting me after I’d gotten upset.
Though I wanted to shake my head away each time his finger pressed against my swollen cheek, fearing the sadness inside would burst forth, all I could do was meekly nod. So docilely, as if forgetting everything.
Only when I saw his satisfied smile, which stretched a bit longer, did I realize it. That Woo Tae-seon’s mood had improved, and that Woo Tae-seon had wanted to see me unable to move against him.
Could there be more detestable gentleness than this? Whose fault is it? Whose fault is all of this? The most frustrating thing was that I couldn’t fully express my resentment even with the culprit right in front of me.
Woo Tae-seon released my face but instead wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer. No, Woo Tae-seon came closer. As I slowly stepped back, pushed by Woo Tae-seon, he followed exactly like a toddler learning to walk.
By the time my buttocks hit the desk, our positions had reversed, and I had to stand in Woo Tae-seon’s arms, between his legs. I wanted to escape. The heavy volume pressing against my groin was too distinct, and its intention was also clear.
“I’m really, today, sick. Today, can’t we, not do it?”
It wasn’t a lie or an exaggeration. I really didn’t feel well. The more the tension that had tightly bound me loosened, the worse I felt. It was different from usual, and different from the various days when I simply wasn’t in good condition. It seemed like it wasn’t just because I hadn’t slept the night before.
Nevertheless, the fact that even this required Woo Tae-seon’s permission made me sad, and dampness spread across my face as if something had been spilled.
“Ah, what should I do?”
“…Hnng.”
“When Teacher looks at me with desperate eyes, it turns me on.”
Hearing his voice dripping with pleasure, I realized that my begging and pleading with him had actually had a negative effect.
“Try again, ask me. What would you like me to do?”
As I lowered my head, the tears that had barely been held back finally fell to the floor. Is this what asking is? I was begging him.
Looking at the floor spotted with droplets, I imagined my heart pierced by a bullet. The gun barrel pointed at Woo Tae-seon but also at my heart.
“Can you see? I’m already hard.”
In my field of vision, which I had turned away in avoidance, was a hand slowly kneading his front, which had become not just thick but tightly swollen, as if prepared in advance. Somehow knowing that I had tightly closed my eyes, the arm that had been around my waist pushed me closer to him.
“Won’t you look up?”
“…Hnn.”
“You said we shouldn’t do it today.”
The thin lips that were closely attached to my ear, which was positioned just right on my shoulder, whispered in a voice that was affectionate but cold. My trembling head, my fluttering eyelids, finally lifted and raised themselves under the cold whip.
“You regret it now that you see it, don’t you, Teacher?”
“Hn, nngh.”
“You want to do it with me but can’t.”
Woo Tae-seon and I were always at opposite extremes. The more satisfied Woo Tae-seon was, the more I felt like I was being buried in the mud. Like now, it was always like that. Woo Tae-seon laughed, and I cried because I couldn’t laugh.
In fact, what made my mood hit rock bottom was that I had vaguely anticipated this situation, realized that this would appease his anger, and pitifully begged and pleaded with him.
“…Yes. I want to do it with you.”
It was truly pathetic.
* * *
I opened my heavy eyes with a dry cough. As the reason why the alarm hadn’t gone off emerged from my hazy memory, I collapsed back onto the bed.
Today was the school’s foundation day, meaning I didn’t have to go to work.
As expected, my physical condition wasn’t very good from the morning. A headache accompanied by fever that made me dizzy pounded my head, and my whole body felt heavy like salt dissolved in seawater. It was so bad that even allowing a smile to spread at the joy of not having to go to work was exhausting.
I forcibly raised my stiff body and staggered into the living room. The cold medicine that I vaguely remembered leaving somewhere, almost throwing it, before jumping into bed last night could be found on the living room table. Though the box was nowhere to be seen, only the aluminum foil packaging was lying there.
“Ugh. I’m dying.”
It seemed that my immune system weakened whenever the seasons changed, and I always had to suffer once before welcoming a new season. Sometimes it could pass quickly like a common condition fluctuation, and sometimes I had to spend days in bed, but this year, which started with poor condition, gradually changed from a throbbing headache to a full-blown fever.
I swallowed two pills with the half-empty lukewarm water I had left from yesterday. I seemed to be feeling better, or maybe not. I was a bit worried about taking medicine on an empty stomach, but I had neither the energy nor the inclination to prepare a meal, so I was satisfied with just taking the medicine and let myself be drawn back into bed.
My seasonal illness, which used to be just a mild cold, had transformed into something like growing pains that seemed to reassemble my entire body since the accident ten years ago.
‘Jae-yun, are you sure you’ll be alright alone?’
‘Yes, I think my fever will go down if I sleep a bit more. Mom, could you buy some apples on your way back? I suddenly want to eat them.’
‘Sure, sure. My son. Get plenty of rest. Mom and Dad will be back soon.’
Like growing pains that periodically constricted my body, the physical illness that visited me with autumn tormented me for days, then suddenly disappeared at some point. As if telling me not to forget.
It might be a complex sense of guilt, but perhaps it’s also that I don’t want to face the anniversary alone with a clear mind. So I sometimes think that the reason the growing pains keep coming back is because I still haven’t overcome or endured it.
That’s why today, more than any other day, I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I didn’t even want to show any signs. I disliked showing weakness, but I also disliked receiving sympathetic looks because of it. Even if I deflected questions with suitable excuses, that day would already be in my mind.
Yes, this was about deceiving myself. That I was fine. That I was okay. The stubbornness to pretend everything was normal, even if it meant swallowing a ton of medicine, was all because of that.
And no one knew. Not even the person who used to uncannily detect even the mildest symptoms before I could tell was around anymore.
‘Mom, how do you always know?’
‘Because I’m always watching you. When you love someone, you can recognize that much.’
Being held in those warm arms and thinking that I would like her to always recognize all my small changes was now all just a very distant memory.
I buried my face in the blanket. The medicine seemed to be starting to take effect as my mind grew calm and my breathing became regular. What broke the peaceful silence of everyday life that I was experiencing after a long time was the extended vibration sound of my phone.
I should have gone to bed and fallen asleep quickly. Then I could have woken up stealthily in the evening and explained that I was asleep and didn’t know the call had come.
“…What?”
But since I didn’t have the strong heart to ignore his call while awake and go back to sleep, I had no choice.
―What were you doing? Your voice sounds damp.
“…I was sleeping.”
―I called because I wanted to hear your voice.
I could hear slow classical music beyond his voice. Thinking he must be in the living room, I startled myself. How naturally I was gauging his situation.
―Hearing it like this, your just-woken-up voice is quite different.
Woo Tae-seon and I stubbornly spoke only what each of us wanted to say. Not just today, but always.
So we chatted about useless things as usual. No, was “chatting” the right word? As always, it was just Woo Tae-seon prodding me and me trembling in response.
But what was different from usual was that my physical condition was the worst it had been in recent memory, I was buried in a cozy blanket, and I couldn’t see Woo Tae-seon’s face in front of me.
The pills that had passed down my esophagus were undoubtedly quickly dissolving in gastric acid. With each laborious pump of my increasingly calm heart, I felt the effects of the medicine being sent to the tips of my stretched limbs. I was so languid and sleepy.
Teacher, are you sleeping? The voice that seemed to flow from far away sounded like a gentle lullaby for the first time. Uh, no, yes, I am. I might have answered, or maybe not. Teacher, I… Then I seemed to have fallen asleep.
Author: Hyacinthus B
Hyacinthus
