8
To get used to my distorted daily life, I too had to become crumpled.
The most difficult part was the unpredictable whims. That was how Woo Tae-seon would suddenly appear without any prior notice, or how he would tell me to wait but never show up, or how he would strangle my breath one moment and then pass by with an indifferent face as if it never happened. For me, predicting Woo Tae-seon was nearly impossible.
Also, the fact that the outcome was always the same was like repetitive training. It meant that whatever I did didn’t matter. Even if I did nothing, even if I did as I pleased. I couldn’t have even the slightest influence on the result.
I thought perhaps it might be better not to stand up straight. Not to uphold my pride, not to sharpen my sensitivity. Maybe it would be best to just not think about anything at all.
“You look tired these days, Teacher.”
The blurry monitor screen quickly regained its focus and became clear. When I raised my head, Teacher Jung’s concerned face had popped up from beyond the partition.
“No way.”
The barrel of a finger gun formed by a thumb and index finger appeared beside his narrowed eyes, pointing at me.
“Burnout already?”
“No, no…”
“How about a warm cup of citron tea? It’ll make you feel better.”
The fingers that had been pointing at me now playfully shook a small glass jar half-filled with preserved citron.
“I’m fine. Thank you for your concern.”
“Ah, don’t be so stiff all the time. Isn’t that exhausting?”
Despite his round smile, I felt uneasy, as if there was a sharp edge to it. What if he knew something and was asking about it? Was he testing me? Even knowing that couldn’t be the case, I was once again tied up in my memories.
‘Isn’t it tiring to live like that?’
It was the day I was standing firm, trying not to cross the threshold to the rooftop. I had stopped abruptly, staring at him, forgetting even my desperate struggles when he said, ‘Then, shall we do it here?’
Despite the noisy sounds of people walking in the corridor, echoing up just one floor away.
‘What? People, people are coming…’
‘That’s why I said let’s go to the rooftop where no one comes.’
‘That’s outside! …Sigh, Tae-seon. Please.’
‘Teacher, your problem is that you worry too much.’
Isn’t it tiring to live like that? At that question seeking no answer, the strength drained from my firmly standing legs and my tensed body.
Woo Tae-seon found strange all the things that were natural to me. When I was with him, it was difficult to judge what was normal. No, it was difficult to be certain that I was normal. Because Woo Tae-seon was always so matter-of-fact. I was always confused.
“Smile, Teacher. A handsome man looks pretty when he smiles.”
With a small “ta-da” sound, Teacher Jung grabbed both corners of his mouth with his index fingers and pulled them up. Tilting his head side to side, he pushed his cheeks up even more as if to lift his cheekbones. All his gestures were exaggerated.
Did I look that unwell? As gratitude and apology slightly pushed away the worry weighing me down, a small smile slipped out.
“…Haha.”
“Wow. What was that? Teacher Song, did you just admit you’re handsome?”
“What? No, that’s not, no…”
I jumped up from my seat in embarrassment.
“Look at this, look at this! ‘No, no,’ you say, always denying it, but you knew all along?”
“That, that’s not what I meant. Really!”
Hmm, Teacher Jung’s eyes narrowed with exaggerated suspicion. I waved my palms left and right, almost flailing, to emphasize my innocence. My bright red face felt like it would burst at any moment.
“Alright, alright. I’ll let it go because you look good when you smile.”
“Yes, yes…”
“Oh? Teacher Jung, you’re still here?”
“Huh? Me? Why?”
Teacher Jung’s smiling gaze shifted slightly from me to the diagonal back. It was thanks to Teacher Yoon who had just entered the staff room.
“Class 5 was heading to the auditorium earlier.”
“Oh my! Is it Class 5 already? Look at me.”
“Take your time. You just need to change into your slippers, right?”
“I should hurry before the kids complain that the homeroom teacher is the last one to arrive on graduation photo day. I’ll go ahead!”
Teacher Jung, who had been frantically searching his desk, quickly left the staff room as if about to dash out. The cheerful sound of his shoes hitting the floor, which he must have changed into from his indoor slippers, gradually faded away.
Thanks to that, I was able to safely escape the topic. I needlessly opened the lid of my mug and took a sip of lukewarm water, then swallowed. While doing so, I quietly stretched my feet to the corner under the desk and changed into my indoor slippers.
‘Class 5 was heading to the auditorium earlier.’
My steps quickened as I left through the east entrance of the main building. I pressed the back of my hand against my still-warm cheeks.
Although Seongjin High School was largely divided into the main building, east building, and west building, since corridors extended on both sides of each, they were all essentially the same as the main building.
There was one building slightly separated from the clustered main buildings, a new building that obviously showed it had been painted not long ago.
Unlike the main building, a standardized structure with rectangular walls climbed by old vines, I entered the gymnasium with a roof built in a round dome style. The corridor of the gymnasium I had carefully entered, even though no one was watching, echoed the boisterous noise even more loudly due to the smooth terrazzo tiles. The clamorous sound was coming from the heavy steel soundproof doors that were wide open on both sides.
As if trying to avoid the noise, I quickly climbed the stairs around the left corner. On the second floor, there was another steel soundproof door. It was the entrance leading to the second floor, and upon entering, I could see the indoor court made of urethane surrounded by three walls in a ㄷ shape.
Standing at the highest point accessible in the large gymnasium with its high ceiling, I quickly scanned the people standing on the first-floor court. And I was able to find my senior colleague standing in one corner right away. There weren’t few people in the gymnasium, but since most were wearing identical uniforms, it was quite easy to find my senior who wasn’t in uniform.
Only then could I fully rejoice at having successfully sneaked into the gymnasium without being discovered by anyone.
‘Jae-yun, look at this. Which color do you think is best?’
‘What’s with the tie? Are you giving it as a gift to someone?’
‘No, it’s mine. I need it for the photoshoot.’
‘Photoshoot?’
‘You’re showing again how little interest you have in me. Huh? I’m talking about the graduation photos, man.’
My senior had neatly tied the red-toned necktie we had chosen together that day, and his hair was slicked back. It felt as if I was attending his graduation ceremony, which made me feel good for no reason.
On the day of my senior’s graduation ceremony, which I wanted to celebrate more happily and before anyone else, I was only able to offer my congratulations by phone.
As I secretly observed my senior standing with his back straight in a tense posture, I even had the silly thought that I had been given an opportunity to glimpse that day I hadn’t been able to see.
Wednesday, 6th period. I can’t express how grateful I was for not having a class during this time.
I ate lunch quickly just in case. I did so because I was needlessly anxious despite it being a completely unrelated time. It wasn’t just because of the nervousness of waiting. It was because a worry greater than my expectation followed. Because going to see my senior meant going to Woo Tae-seon on my own volition.
But even though I thought I shouldn’t go, I couldn’t give up in the end. I thought it would be fine if I were careful, if I just quickly peeked at my senior and left immediately. That’s why I had to sneak in among the densely arranged seats after coming up to the second floor.
However, this method had one drawback. While it was suitable for hiding my body behind the seats, the distance to the first-floor court was quite far, more than I had thought. I could see my senior’s tensed shoulders as he was probably nervous about taking photos as a homeroom teacher for the first time, but I couldn’t see his detailed expressions. Though it was called the second floor, the gymnasium was so large that its scale was closer to three floors.
That’s when I noticed the low wall surrounding the edge of the second floor like a railing. If I went down to the second-floor ground and stood alongside it, it would come up to about chest height. So I thought it was a very suitable place where I could hide my body more comfortably while still seeing my senior a bit closer than now.
I hurriedly went down the stairs between the seats and first sat with my back against the wall. Then I half-rose and peeked over the wall with just my eyes to look below. Looking at the faces of the children waiting for their turn, it seemed the current shoot was for Class 4. It seemed the schedule was running later than expected.
I have a class during the 7th period. I tapped my feet anxiously.
“I couldn’t find you anywhere.”
My head turned at the sudden voice. It felt as if someone had slapped one of my cheeks. No, maybe he had pulled me toward him.
The more I blinked, the clearer and more vivid what filled my vision became. Two eyes that were even more sharp and cool up close, two sharp pupils of a color so deep it was impossible to gauge their depth. It was Woo Tae-seon, who was looking down at the first-floor court in a similar posture to mine.
No, he couldn’t possibly be in the same posture as me. Unlike me, who was desperately crumpling my body and holding my breath, his large shoulders, which were just slightly lowered as if merely going through the motions, were different from me. Woo Tae-seon was just matching my rhythm.
“There’s no way you could find it.”
