So despite knowing it was excessive, I impulsively headed to the lunch box shop. Of course, the amount charged was pathetic compared to the courage it took to spend in anger.
There wouldn’t have been an easy month since I became independent, but this month in particular had been quite a blow. My aunt said since she wasn’t having a formal ceremony, I didn’t need to prepare anything, but I still wanted to bless her new beginning with the best I could offer. In conclusion, it became a slightly excessive expenditure that would make me struggle for a couple of months, but I had no regrets.
Just then, my phone, which I had tucked away in my pocket, began to vibrate persistently with a longer vibration that was distinctly different from the brief one earlier.
I knew it was a call, but I didn’t immediately reach for it. The moment I realized a call was coming in, I felt a sudden fear.
“Excuse me. I think your phone is ringing.”
A customer at the next table, who like me was waiting for their takeout, lightly knocked on the table with a slightly clenched fist. Startled by my reaction, they looked more surprised than I was as our eyes met. Their eyes seemed to slightly regret having spoken up.
“…Ah, right. I was going to, going to answer it.”
“Ah, I see.”
The man at the next table tilted his head with an expression that said he didn’t understand why I was making excuses to him, and turned his attention back to his phone screen. Earphones covering both ears, body posture turned completely away from me. I was now nothing more to that man than a passing stranger of no significance.
After such pointless thoughts, I hurriedly took out my phone. On the screen of the trembling phone were five characters: “Class Pres. Kim Jung-su.” The breath that had been tightly constricting my throat was suddenly released. Despite knowing that this person usually contacted me through messages, I had subconsciously reacted that way.
“…Hello.”
—Hey, Song Jae-yun! Still alive and well?
The boisterous voice that resonated through the phone remained unchanged from our school days.
“It’s been a while. What’s up?”
—Wow, what do you mean ‘what’s up’? That hurts. Are we the kind of friends who only call when something’s up?
Jung-su grumbled for quite a while about feeling hurt, and I just listened quietly. As I recalled, the last call was because of a senior’s wedding, the one who had been our student council president, and the call before that was for urgently seeking a teaching assistant, but I didn’t bother pointing these out.
—How’s Seongjin High? Is it manageable now?
It was a question that anyone could see had no particular meaning. Since he wasn’t really curious, I could just answer affirmatively and brush it off. There was no way he could discover my true feelings or circumstances.
Yet my throat felt tightly constricted. I couldn’t speak, neither the truth nor a lie.
“……”
…In truth, I wanted to confide in someone, anyone.
—Your words still get stuck? Kid. You’re not unable to speak in front of your students too, are you?
Especially for all-boys schools, Jung-su said you need to establish the atmosphere from the start, and he continued to spout his unwanted advice and interference under the name of “pro tips” for quite some time. The fortunate thing was that Jung-su’s passionate advice flowed smoothly on its own, so I only needed to respond with minimal interjections.
“Sir, your basic lunch box is ready.”
“Ah, thank you.”
—Hey, what’s that? You’re eating a lunch box? Why are you buying things like lunch boxes and making your big brother’s heart ache~
Slightly ignoring the voice shouting in my ear, I left the store. I continued walking home, giving occasional brief responses to the call that showed no signs of ending. The light plastic bag in one hand swung with each step.
—This won’t do. We need to treat our Teacher Song to some restorative food in September.
“…What now?”
—We need to meet up, don’t we? The guys are insisting we set a date before midterms. You’re okay with that, right?
“I don’t know. I think it’ll be difficult for me to attend.”
—Why are you like this, Teacher Song? There’s still plenty of time until September? I hope you’ll adjust your schedule in advance. Okay? Don’t think about escaping this time.
“No, really, I’ve been a bit tight lately…”
—Oh my, look at you trying to wriggle out again. But not this time. You have to give in.
After going round and round, Jung-su finally straightforwardly demanded his goal from me, and then ended the call, saying he was busy and had to hang up.
I thought the call had ended rather chaotically and suddenly, but it seemed I had been talking for quite a long time. I looked down at the disconnected phone and the cold lunch box placed on the table side by side.
Opening the transparent plastic lid, I scooped a spoonful of rice that had lost its warmth.
The complacent thought that nothing could be worse than losing my job was a rash notion born of excessive anxiety. I could now admit that shouting about quitting everything was just stubbornness in the heat of the moment.
Thinking that I didn’t care if everyone found out wasn’t courage; it was just rushing in recklessly out of desperation after being cornered again and again, without distinguishing between right and wrong.
I can still endure, I thought as I chewed the clumped rice grains thoroughly, ruminating on my thoughts. It was just half a year more. I just had to endure that much, I told myself. It would be okay.
After calculating my remaining student loans, I let out a big sigh. Student loan repayments made no exceptions for any month. They came to find me punctually every month without fail, and would continue to do so for several more years.
In fact, my current job was really helpful in that it provided a steady income. Being a wealthy private school, the pay was quite good for a contract position. So I had to continue working. Which meant I had to continue doing this with Woo Tae-seon…
I buried my face in my pillow. My complicated mind was overheating. Still, I thought it would end after a few months of endurance. A nine-month contract. Just a little more patience.
And so, foolishly, I chose to let go of my dignity rather than my job.
* * *
Beep. With a cheerful electronic sound, the front door unlocked. At some point, I started opening the door myself instead of waiting for Woo Tae-seon to open it for me. It had been since the day Woo Tae-seon, as if doing me a favor, said he would register my fingerprint at his house.
What tormented me more was that Woo Tae-seon’s words about it being convenient for me too weren’t wrong. I hated the current situation that felt as if I had grown accustomed to it.
The first thing that greeted me as I stepped into the hallway was, without fail, the sound of slowly flowing classical music. I moved my steps following the sound that gradually grew louder as I approached the living room. Looking perfectly at home amid the softly flowing classical music, Woo Tae-seon was turning the pages of a book slightly larger than his palm, one by one.
I sat at the farthest end of the sofa, as far as possible from the single-seater where Woo Tae-seon was lying at an angle.
“Why are you sitting there?”
Woo Tae-seon murmured in a gentle voice, not even looking at me now.
“Sit here.”
The hand not holding the book lightly tapped his abdomen. A bit lower, I recalled the day I had to sit on Woo Tae-seon’s thigh. My face felt like it was burning. I turned my head away, avoiding him and that day.
“…I’m comfortable here.”
“Are you being formal with me?”
Only then did Woo Tae-seon raise his head to look at me. His face seemed to overlap with a gaze from my memory. The sticky gaze that would meticulously lick up from my toes to the top of my head when I undressed, the persistent gaze that refused to look away even for a brief moment.
I shook my head slightly to shake off Woo Tae-seon.
“Isn’t it too late for that?”
I didn’t want to admit that I was bothered, that I was conscious of Woo Tae-seon. The fact that he wouldn’t look at me when I was clothed like now, and the fact that I had noticed it.
…Not that I wanted him to look at me, though.
“We’ve seen each other’s bare skin already.”
“That’s nothing, even at the beach you can see…”
Woo Tae-seon knew me well. How to scrape up even the slightest trace of shame lying on the ground, how to untie in one go the knot of pride I had tightly bound and hidden in a corner. He knew all too well now.
I was about to snap back at the surge of emotion when Woo Tae-seon burst into laughter.
“Not that.”
“What are you talking about now?”
“The real bare skin.”
I blinked my eyes repeatedly. Still, I couldn’t understand what he was saying. The inability to gauge made it even more unpleasant.
“I bet even you haven’t seen it. The red inside your hole. You didn’t know, did you?”
An admiring voice whispered quickly and very softly in my ear.
‘It’s red.’
A transparent wine bottle came to mind. And what Woo Tae-seon meant by my bare skin that he had seen. My crying sounds as I begged desperately, and Woo Tae-seon’s persistent gaze that had been staring at it intently.
“S-stop it!”
“Alright, then.”
Woo Tae-seon nodded lightly and turned his attention back to the book he had been reading. Only I was breathing heavily and fuming.
It was always like this. Woo Tae-seon was relaxed and I was anxious. If I had just walked straight ahead on the path in front of me, Woo Tae-seon had naturally pulled me in the direction he wanted. Even if the momentary choices were mine, the final result was always what Woo Tae-seon desired. I really hated that.
“Ah. But, Teacher.”
In response to Woo Tae-seon calling me while not giving me even a sliver of his attention, I too stubbornly kept my lips tightly sealed.
