6
I didn’t leave the house all weekend, like a caterpillar trapped in a cocoon. I couldn’t remember how I got home or what mindset helped me endure that day. All that remained in my mind was the memory of self-disgust. I couldn’t understand my actions in that situation, that transformation.
[Why didn’t you come yesterday? I was waiting.]
I ignored all of Woo Tae-seon’s messages. Even though they only amounted to two: the notice-like message telling me to come tonight and the one I had just deleted. Still, it took a lot of courage on my part.
In truth, I didn’t have any special countermeasures. It was impossible for me to have a good plan. If I had a good method, I would have used it long ago. I was simply driven to my limit and impulsively went silent out of anger.
I thought only one thing: this was all because of Woo Tae-seon, and if he were gone, I felt I could return to being normal again.
[Teacher. Come get your belongings.]
I deleted the third message that arrived again that night and collapsed on my bed. I pressed my eyelids hard over my eyes, sore from staring at the black phone screen all day without doing anything else.
There’s no law saying one must die, and even in pitch darkness, a faint light existed. What had been invisible while I was barely holding on finally became visible after I let everything go.
If I kept accommodating him, there might be no end. Even if things went wrong, I thought hopelessly that at worst I’d only be ruining my own life, and strangely, that made me feel more at ease. Right, I can stop being a teacher. I’ll look for another path. Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
The courage born of anger had sprouted better seeds than expected.
[Aren’t you going to come get it?]
Monday morning, as I prepared for work, I deleted one more new message. Today was the third day I’d been avoiding Woo Tae-seon’s messages.
I intended to delete it without looking, but the unexpected sending time caught my eye. 4:58 AM. I didn’t know if my uneasiness was due to discomfort or an ominous premonition.
Even as an adult, I was just twenty-seven, having graduated from university not long ago.
‘My calves are trembling.’
No matter how I thought about it, this was too strange, scary, frightening, and incomprehensible to me. I couldn’t confide in anyone. That’s how abnormal it was.
Is this really okay? Is this really the end? Fear and worry urged me on, but there was no response from Woo Tae-seon. Just a couple of messages arriving each day. That was all. All I had to do was not respond. It was nothing. Compared to how I trembled even pressing “confirm” to delete messages, this was an anticlimactic ending.
Had he lost interest? Or was strongly ignoring him the right approach from the beginning? Maybe I’d been acting foolishly all along. I was entering the faculty room while unable to shake off my depression.
“Teacher Song, what’s that?”
“What? What is it?”
As if they had been waiting for me, the eyes of several teachers in the faculty room converged on me. Their gazes were ambiguous, containing smirks as if they had expected this, making their true thoughts unclear.
Not having any idea what was going on, I was confused yet desperately prayed it had nothing to do with my creeping anxiety as I awkwardly made my way through the suspicious gazes toward my desk.
“The thing on your desk~ Is it from your girlfriend?”
On my desk sat a fairly deep beige box. As if proudly announcing itself as a gift box, it was tied with a red string forming a cross with a ribbon knot, from which hung a small tag coated on luxurious paper.
[Teacher Song Jae-yun.]
I was bewildered by the indication that it was truly for me. I slightly shook the box, which wasn’t particularly heavy, tilting my head in confusion, but had to quickly untie the knot due to the urging of those around me.
“Wow, what’s the occasion today? Teacher Song, you do have a girlfriend, right? Be honest.”
“What? No, I don’t have a girlfriend…”
“The way you’re stuttering is totally suspicious! Then who gave you all these chocolates?”
The suspicious box was filled with unidentifiable chocolates.
“Oh my, this is one I really like. Can I have just one?”
“Ah, yes. Please, go ahead…”
“Oh, Teacher Kang, you’re so inconsiderate! It’s from his girlfriend, so the person himself should try it first. Come on, Teacher Song, you eat first.”
“No, I don’t have a girlfriend… Oh, okay, fine.”
I chewed the chocolate that slipped into my mouth, rolling it on my tongue. Despite feeling extremely pressured with everyone’s eyes fixed on my lips as I savored the chocolate, it was truly delicious as Teacher Kang had highly praised.
“It’s delicious. Please help yourselves, teachers.”
“Thank you, Teacher Song! But is it really okay for us to have some?”
Yes, I nodded and distributed two pieces each to the teachers gathered around. I carried the still densely packed chocolate box around, placing two pieces on each empty desk.
Moving further from the east entrance where my desk was located, I wondered who might have sent this to me. There wasn’t even a plausible suspect, let alone someone I could reasonably guess.
The answer to my question came not from my mind but from my fingertips. Each chocolate was individually wrapped, and among the uniformly textured items in the box, my fingertips touched one that was distinctly different.
‘Don’t get caught. Understood?’
The only different texture was the soft feeling of rubber. Instantly, I recalled the memory of that day when I had to twist my body while hanging from the rooftop railing. A light blue egg vibrator. I swiftly moved it to my pocket while concealing it in my palm.
Cold sweat trickled down my spine, which had rapidly stiffened as if I had committed a crime. My heart was beating fiercely in an irregular, even strange order, and all my nerves were on edge right at the surface of my skin. I also tightly gripped the vibrator that I had safely hidden in my pocket.
Paper crumpled. It was a small Post-it note attached to the vibrator. With just four characters written on it, my eyes quickly read it first.
[Put it in and come.]
What if someone else had opened it before me? What if someone had rummaged through the box to choose a flavor, since not all chocolates were the same? My legs trembled at the horrifying thought.
The light blue vibrator wasn’t the only thing that bewildered me. I couldn’t deny the reason I still hadn’t removed my hand from my pocket. It was fortunate that I had chosen a generous size when buying my cotton pants. Because I could make a fist inside the pocket, I could create space to prevent them from clinging to the contours of my groin.
I tried to suppress the stiff tension concentrated below and the hot flush that had spread to the tips of my hair with rough, deep breaths. The one who put me in this difficult situation was a single person. So I could not forgive this culprit all the more.
“Hello.”
“Hi, Tae-seon~ What’s the occasion today? Why are you at school so early?”
“Teacher Song Jae-yun called for me.”
“Oh, Teacher Song is over there. These chocolates are really delicious, you should ask for some too.”
I turned around at the voice of the culprit who had shamelessly returned to the scene of the crime. Not because Teacher Kang had pointed out where I was, but because Woo Tae-seon had been walking toward me from the start. As if he already knew. With his eyes gently curved as usual, thoroughly scanning me from head to toe.
My resolve to avoid or ignore Woo Tae-seon when I encountered him evaporated as if boiled away by intense anger. The crumbled powder left behind like salt grains became blinders that blocked my ears and shielded the sides of my eyes.
Thanks to this, I was able to boldly drag Woo Tae-seon out of the faculty room. Without time to consider where would be most appropriate, I headed straight to the sign at the end of the hallway: the male teachers’ lounge.
“Are you crazy?”
“You didn’t come to get it. You liked it though.”
I smacked away Woo Tae-seon’s hand as he was about to lock the lounge door, acting as if it were natural.
I realized that Woo Tae-seon hadn’t been dragged by me but had willingly allowed himself to be led by my hand. However, I had no intention of being trapped here alone with him. I no longer wished to struggle beneath Woo Tae-seon or worry about appearances.
I had nothing left to protect, so I had no weaknesses either. I had prepared myself for the possibility that my daily life, my everything, might be shattered. So now Woo Tae-seon’s threats would not work on me, nor could they.
“Know your limits. I, I can’t take it anymore either.”
“You always can’t take it, teacher. Like that day.”
“That’s because you forced me…!”
“Forced you?”
A small laugh, an obvious mockery, made heat rise up past my neck. It was partly because I had been caught up with Woo Tae-seon again, but also because his emotions were transmitted so clearly.
“You were the one who came while saying it felt good when that was inside you.”
“You, you!”
“I think I’m not good at waiting. It’s not fun, and it’s difficult.”
“You, you’re really crazy. Is this fun for you?”
“This time wasn’t fun. Because you ignored me.”
“…”
“If you want to be treated nicely, you have to behave nicely.”
I wanted to slap Woo Tae-seon’s cheek as he articulated this while staring directly into my eyes. Or perhaps slap my own cheek, which still trembled helplessly even at just such a gaze.
“I like a pretty teacher.”
Woo Tae-seon’s fingers stroked from my eyes down to the tip of my chin. Finally, he tapped my tightly closed cheeks with his index and middle fingers. It seemed like he was telling me to come to my senses.
