#77
Of course, I wasn’t planning to get married right away. I was still too young for marriage, and even Saheon hyung would be considered early by today’s standards.
Maybe in a few years, when Saheon hyung starts thinking about marriage and I have a stable job, that might be a good time. My imagination began to run wild. I could picture myself and Saheon hyung a few years older.
I used to vaguely dream of becoming a civil servant or office worker, but lately, I’ve been thinking it might be nice to become a flight attendant like Saheon hyung. It was easy to imagine us commuting in the same uniform.
An airplane with an exotic scent of wind. The sky, not the ground. Hyung in a pilot’s uniform, and me in the flight attendant uniform of the airline hyung works for. Walking through the vast airport pulling our suitcases.
Imagining hyung older than now was more thrilling than I expected. My fist clenched involuntarily at the thought that we would still be together then, not as a promise to myself but as a certainty.
Until now, I had a strong impression that Saheon hyung hadn’t been serious about dating, so this was a necessary process for me.
Since childhood, I had seen Saheon hyung’s numerous girlfriends come and go. I didn’t want to be just another one in that stream. I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity that I thought would never come.
The idea of starting a relationship without considering marriage was still hard for me to understand, but I firmly believed that Saheon hyung was now at an age where he would align with my views on dating.
“Gangnam might be good, there’s a lot to eat and see there.”
“No, working people might not like crowded places. Wouldn’t it be better to spend time quietly at a cafe near home?”
“For a first date, going near home is a bit…”
“Wouldn’t that be burdensome from her perspective?”
While Shin Jiyu and Kim Seo-hee were having a heated discussion about where would be good for a first date, my mind was a flower garden full of pink.
Even if marriage is impossible for us as men in Korea, couldn’t we at least be in a de facto marriage recognized by the acquaintances I know?
When should we get couple rings? When should we propose? At what age should we marry? My thoughts even reached how many children we should have. Realizing I had drunk a whole bowl of kimchi soup (Korean idiom for getting ahead of oneself), I quietly blushed.
Children? Saheon hyung, who had mentioned birth control pills and the possibility of my pregnancy, must have passed on some strange thoughts to me. Hurriedly erasing the embarrassment that no one else knew about, I revised my general assumptions with slightly flushed cheeks.
We probably can’t have children, but imagining a cute child that looks like Saheon hyung made me feel all fluffy inside. As I was stroking my mouth with my dry hand, trying to suppress a smile from sheer happiness, I was brought back to reality by Choi Hyun-oh’s mumbling.
“But if Cheongmyeong has a girlfriend, what about our assignment?”
“…Assignment?”
“I tried to contact you over the weekend… Anyway, you know our liberal arts class? Gender Understanding.”
I knew the subject Choi Hyun-oh was talking about, but this was the first I’d heard about an assignment. I asked with a puzzled face.
“Was there an assignment?”
“Ah, it hasn’t been announced yet. But Yoo Do-jin is the TA there, you know. He told me in advance that it’ll be announced in this week’s class…”
Choi Hyun-oh made strange gestures while rambling. It looked like the kind of movement that comes out when you’re flustered by something unexpected. I stared at Choi Hyun-oh with wide eyes. I was curious about what kind of assignment it was that made Choi Hyun-oh so flustered. The reason was soon revealed.
“The midterm substitute assignment is to plan a date course for people who are flirting with each other, carry it out, and write a review…”
“What’s the problem with that? We’re both guys and it’s just an assignment anyway?”
Shin Jiyu, who had been focusing on our conversation, quickly interjected. Choi Hyun-oh mumbled with an embarrassed face.
“Is that so…? He said they’ll start accepting assignments from April, so I was going to do it quickly, but when you said Cheongmyeong has a girlfriend, I just felt… a bit weird. It’s nothing. Then…”
Choi Hyun-oh, who had awkwardly finished his sentence, grinned. His face was full of mischief. Choi Hyun-oh patted my back gently and said,
“So, when do you want to start dating?”
“Well…”
To be honest, I had doubts about whether it was okay to pretend to date even for a class assignment, but for now, I chose to vaguely agree.
Perhaps because it was recognized as a school assignment, from the moment Choi Hyun-oh mentioned the word ‘assignment’, thoughts of Saheon hyung in my head diminished a bit. I slightly furrowed my brow and mulled over the assignment topic.
The seemingly simple yet verbose topic of ‘a date course for people about to confess’ didn’t immediately bring any ideas to mind. Choi Hyun-oh cheerfully concluded,
“After the assignment is officially announced this week, shall we meet next week to do it? We have plenty of time anyway.”
“Okay.”
With the grace period, I accepted without hesitation. As I was temporarily freed from the pressure of having something to do, my mind naturally started imagining life after marriage again.
Eating together, shopping together, falling asleep together, deciding on soft pet names, going on sudden late-night dates… As I followed the flow of consciousness, I was caught by the word ‘date’.
Date. This time, the trajectory of my thoughts changed. Come to think of it, I had never done anything that could be called a date with Saheon hyung. Even looking back on the time when I didn’t know we were dating, I could count on one hand the times we met outside.
Slightly shocked, I realized that the date course with Choi Hyun-oh wasn’t important. I couldn’t even decide on a first date course that Shin Jiyu and Kim Seo-hee had teasingly mentioned, so I couldn’t do it with someone else first, even if it was for an assignment.
Inspiration that didn’t come when I agreed to do the assignment with Choi Hyun-oh now came flooding in. I felt like my expectations, inflated just from imagination, were about to burst from sheer happiness.
In the end, I spent the class time writing down things I wanted to do with Saheon hyung on the margins of the handout. Too embarrassed to write ‘marriage’ outright, I used a ♥ instead, and below it, I hesitantly wrote down things I wanted to do on dates. And I became even more embarrassed.
Fortunately, my handwriting was so messy it looked like a scribble. I had written so small and the smudged-looking writing combined to make it hard for even me to read what I had written. But even that was embarrassing enough that I had to black out the scribbled writing and rewrite it underneath, repeating this process.
After barely managing to write ‘Watching a movie while holding hands’, I took a deep breath. Just seeing the words made my face heat up, and just writing down things I wanted to do with Saheon hyung made my heart pound.
Once I summoned the courage not to erase it, my heart raced. I gathered even more courage and wrote ‘Drinking one cola together’. My heart fluttered even more. But there was also a strange addictiveness that made me want to continue this situation. I added ‘(with one straw)’ in parentheses.
My mind was completely sold on the words I was writing. The guilt of needing to focus on the class was only momentary. The imagination that continued like a chain was as sweet as candy.
I should be the one to ask for a date, right? Not asking in a grand way, but naturally. As if asking about today’s weather. In passing. Asking as if demanding a natural right. Matching the date to Saheon hyung’s day off. Taking the lead maturely…
Time flew by as I was lost in sweet fantasies. When I came to my senses, the class was already nearing its end. My face had become quite flushed.
As I heard the professor say that today’s class would end here, I took a moment to reproach myself for not being able to focus on studying since becoming a college student, when I had always concentrated on classes throughout my school years.
It felt like I was making a fuss, and I felt like I couldn’t separate public and private matters, but good things were good. With a face redder than others, I looked at the list of things I wanted to do several times and lightly pinched my cheek to see if this was a dream. It hurt.
“What are you doing?”
Choi Hyun-oh’s puzzled gaze fell on me. I hastily denied it, hiding the handout with the list of things I wanted to do with Saheon hyung folded in half in my bag.
“It’s nothing.”
“You’re so bland… Let’s go.”
Choi Hyun-oh swept his major textbooks into his bag as if crumpling them and slung it over one shoulder. I followed behind Choi Hyun-oh, who had already started walking. After briefly greeting close classmates, Choi Hyun-oh and I naturally started walking along the same path as we left Cheolmae Hall.
Although it seemed like we were walking ordinarily, no different from usual, only one thought remained in my mind. My head was full of thoughts about dating Saheon hyung.
How should I ask him out, what should we do first, would Saheon hyung cooperate positively in making marriage plans with me? As I was thinking about various things, I felt needlessly guilty at what Choi Hyun-oh said.
“About our date…”
“…What!”
“Why are you so surprised? I’m talking about doing the assignment. Since we both have nothing after Thursday’s break, let’s go to a cafe to make plans, meet once the week after, and then take plenty of time the following week to write the report and submit it, okay?”
It sounded very plausible. Choi Hyun-oh’s plan didn’t strain the schedule and seemed just right for a liberal arts subject. I nodded, trying to calm my startled heart.
“Okay. Let’s do that.”
“Good. Then let’s each think of what we want to do by Thursday. Yoo Do-jin said that if we just include five photos that look like we’re dating and fill three pages with any words, it’s an A. But the crazy thing is, apparently some madman heard that and submitted just a table of contents, introduction, and photos, and actually got an A.”
I burst out laughing at Choi Hyun-oh’s ridiculous joke and then opened my eyes wide. There was a familiar car parked in front of the main gate. With its white body and license plate. There was only one car I knew that looked like that.
“Still, for the sake of our conscience, let’s at least go somewhere. We can tell your brother it’s for an assignment and even stay out overnight. Where do you want to go? Gangnam? Hongdae? Myeong-dong?”
Choi Hyun-oh’s words went in one ear and out the other. Thinking I might have seen wrong, I rubbed my eyes, but the car was still there, and I stopped in my tracks, eyes wide open.
Choi Hyun-oh, who had gone about two steps ahead, seemed puzzled by my sudden stop. He raised his eyebrows and came back to me.
“Cheongmyeong? What’s wrong?”
It didn’t feel real. I, who had expected another ordinary journey home today, had to pinch my cheek once again. I pinched so hard that it turned bright red and hurt when I let go. It stung. My lips parted slightly. When I didn’t answer, Choi Hyun-oh asked again.
“What are you doing? Stopping suddenly.”
“…I think something’s on my face…”
“Something on your face? There’s nothing. Look at me.”
Choi Hyun-oh’s index finger touched my cheek as he came closer to me. Thanks to his sudden approach, my view was entirely blocked by Choi Hyun-oh. With a worried expression, Choi Hyun-oh lowered his head slightly, and his fingertip touched my cheek, which had become hot from pinching it hard.
Before I could feel the tingling sensation once more, a loud ‘HONK!’ from a car horn rang out. It was so loud and unexpected that Choi Hyun-oh flinched and glared at the white car.
His eyes, sharply raised, turned towards the driver’s seat. As if trying to make up for being startled, Choi Hyun-oh muttered fiercely.
“Ah, fuck! You scared me. Why are you honking suddenly like that? What kind of crazy bastard drives a car into a university area? What the hell is that guy doing?”
Unable to refute his point-by-point accurate statement, I mumbled in a small voice.
“It’s my brother…”
My words trailed off and broke. After a moment of silence, Choi Hyun-oh continued in a much softer voice.
“…I meant to ask who it was. You know ‘fuck’ was just an exclamation, right?”
