#70
After briefly indulging in some strange thoughts, I pushed them deep into my mind. Shaking my head vigorously to clear away the recent imagination, I let out a heated breath. I could feel my cheeks turning slightly red.
Even I thought it wasn’t right to do that inside. No matter how much hyung acted like a beast in heat, he could still distinguish between time and place. When I reached the thought that I could use what was in the car if necessary, I flinched as if caught doing something wrong.
I don’t know when my head became filled with such indecent thoughts. I shook my head more vigorously, then gripped the car key tightly and strode forward. With each step, the cozy atmosphere of the house seemed to push me from behind.
But courage only existed in safe places. As I left the soft interior of the house and faced the cold outside air, an inexplicable throbbing began from deep inside my heart.
The unexplained wave spread into trembling. With shaking hands, I pressed the elevator button. The elevator, which had been on the 7th floor, soon arrived at my floor.
With a ding, the doors opened. My whole body trembled finely. It wasn’t from the cold. I took a deep breath, then exhaled exaggeratedly as I entered the elevator.
The last place I had parked the car was in the underground parking lot. After pressing the destination button, I leaned against the wall as if expectant. I turned my head slightly to look at myself in the mirror on the wall.
A black sweatshirt with simple red lettering embroidery and plain black pants. It was my favorite outfit, but it seemed somewhat lacking for the current weather.
While I was scrutinizing what was missing, the elevator arrived at the second basement floor. As the doors opened with a ding, I realized I hadn’t even put on a coat, but if I went back inside the house, I didn’t think I’d have the same courage as now.
I clenched my fists as I looked at the cool entrance to the underground parking lot. My moving feet felt unsteady, as if someone was pushing me and I might fall at any moment.
After finding the car parked in the corner and getting in, I let out another big sigh as if I had accomplished something great. The inside of the car held the chilly temperature of the underground. I started the engine and turned on the heater first.
I fastened my seatbelt and placed my phone in the clean cup holder. Gripping the steering wheel, which also held the cool temperature, I muttered to myself.
“You can do it… Lee Cheongmyeong… You can do it… You can, you can…”
Only when the steering wheel had warmed up from the heat of my hands did I check the time. It was approaching 4 PM. Hyung often said it took about an hour from Incheon Airport to our house, so it seemed like it would be tight.
I shifted gears and started driving smoothly. The started car began to move quietly like a predator stalking its prey.
Slowly moving forward onto the street, I set the navigation to the airport while waiting for the signal. The estimated time showed 1 hour and 15 minutes. I anxiously checked the time once more.
If it took 1 hour and 15 minutes to the airport, it would probably take about an hour and a half to park and find the arrival hall. The thought that hyung might leave while I was fumbling around began to cloud my mind.
Worry suddenly restrained my actions. It was the downside of a sudden impulse. Once restrained, negative thoughts began to quietly raise their heads in my mind.
What if hyung leaves first? What if I go there but can’t even ask? What if I gather the courage to speak but don’t even hear words of assurance…
Long-standing anxiety held back the path to ending long-standing anxiety.
If I asked how he thought of me and didn’t get a positive answer. If he just said I was a close dongsaeng. If it became awkward like the confession at seventeen…
Once the thoughts started flowing, they showed no signs of stopping. The traffic light turned green. My hands naturally turned the steering wheel, but my darkened face showed no signs of brightening. After a moment of contemplation, I had to forcefully change my mindset to divert my thoughts.
What should I do when I pick up hyung from the airport? There would probably be many people wearing the same uniform, but I was sure I’d be able to recognize hyung at a glance. First, I’d ask if he had a good trip, listen to whether he was tired or if anything happened… Naturally while driving…
…Suddenly, hyung’s ex-girlfriends whom he said he met naturally came to mind. The veins in my hands gripping the steering wheel bulged.
Aviation Service Department. Flight attendant. Pretty ex-girlfriends. Although he made excuses that they were short relationships not even lasting 100 days, considering hyung’s age, I couldn’t guess how long they had actually dated. I knew it was ridiculous to be jealous of people I didn’t even know and who were from long ago, but the reality was different.
I took a deep breath as I turned the steering wheel at the fork between Gimpo Airport and Incheon Airport. The wide-open expressway appeared. As I increased the speed a bit more, I had to try to imagine positive scenarios.
According to hyung, he said he ended up dating naturally as they met. That probably meant hyung’s dating style sought natural encounters. Maybe his ex-girlfriends had the same worries as me.
They might have kissed and made out, but without the words “let’s date,” they might have demanded words of assurance like me and led to the next result. Or maybe as they met, hyung might have brought it up first because he wanted to date.
Since hyung likes dating naturally, maybe I should do the same.
From the stance that dating should always be done gradually and seriously with marriage in mind, hyung’s dating style was difficult to understand. The self within me was shouting, “Men and women should know how to maintain proper boundaries!” but I could understand because it was Saheon hyung.
The journey to hear words of assurance rather than a grand confession gained momentum. The sea began to appear in the distance. I checked the time once more. It showed about 30 minutes left to the destination.
As I crossed the long bridge over the sea, I kept checking the time. My mouth went dry at the thought of the plane arriving at 5 PM. The thought that all my courage might be for naught made me anxious.
I stepped on the gas pedal, pushing the speed just to the edge of traffic laws. As I drove on the newly opened, uncrowded road, the runway began to appear in the distance.
It was a road where you could see planes landing nervously close. While driving, I bent my head to look outside in wonder. I could see the vast airport where planes were taking off and landing at short intervals.
By now my heart was pounding loudly. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears. Even the sound of swallowing dry saliva and gripping the steering wheel seemed like incredibly loud noise.
It must have taken a long time, but it felt like just the blink of an eye. The airport came clearly into view. My Adam’s apple moved up and down greatly. My hands trembled as I turned the steering wheel to park.
After parking the car in a lot close to the airport, I checked the time. It was 5 PM. I had arrived right on time, but it might have been too late. As soon as I locked the car door, I started running breathlessly.
There was no time to feel the cold. After crossing the crosswalk and entering the airport, I looked around trying to figure out where to go. Perhaps because I was in such a hurry, passing women whispered to each other, but I had no time to pay attention.
A large electronic display board came into view not far away. I walked towards it with urgent steps. A flight to America. Hyung said he was going to Atlanta this time. A flight to Atlanta…
As I scanned quickly but thoroughly from top to bottom, I found a flight that had arrived from Atlanta. It was the airline hyung worked for. Just as I confirmed it, the status changed from “Landing” to “Arrived.”
It seemed I wasn’t late after all. I caught my breath and checked the rest of the information. Luckily, there was an indication that it would come out to the arrival hall where I was standing.
I had to try not to breathe too heavily. I was reminded of when I once waited for hyung at the airport with father. Compared to then, the degree of trembling seemed worse now. The weight I had to bear alone was immense.
But even after the flight status changed to “Arrived,” hyung didn’t come out. The time, which had been around 5:05, now pointed to 5:30. My panting breath had long since calmed, and my chest felt tight from my heartbeat.
As I paced back and forth, not knowing what to do, I decided to sit in a chair to steady my restless body. But it was in vain. Every time the automatic doors opened and closed, I had to crane my neck like a squirrel secretly hiding food.
When the clock pointed to 5:40, I chose to stand up again. It was because people had crowded in front of the chair where I was sitting, blocking the view. I pushed through the crowd so that I could spot hyung as soon as he came out.
“Excuse me…”
After pushing to the inside, I pressed close to the railing and stared intently into the arrival hall. There were many people in uniforms, but Saheon hyung wasn’t among them.
I bit the soft flesh inside my mouth and checked the time once more. 5:43 PM. After confirming the numbers displayed on the large electronic board, when I lowered my head again, there was a welcome face in the distance.
I opened my eyes wide and checked again to make sure what I saw was correct. As is often the case when a person is alone, hyung, without his usual smile, looked like someone focused solely on walking.
Hyung looked handsome in his perfectly fitted uniform and angled cap with an expressionless face. He was full of unapproachable charisma. Momentarily captivated by hyung, who stood out even from afar due to his height, I hurried my steps towards where he was exiting, pushing through the crowd.
“Hyung, hyung! Saheon hyung!”
I called out to hyung, raising my voice just enough not to be a nuisance. Saheon hyung, who had been walking quietly, stopped for a moment when he heard his name and looked around. I came out completely to the end of the railing and faced hyung, about seven steps away.
At that moment, color spread across hyung’s expressionless face. Hyung, whose mouth had opened slightly, blinked blankly, then walked urgently in big strides, even abandoning his carrier.
“Cheong…”
I felt the pressure of a tight embrace. Saheon hyung smelled of exotic flight air and cool cologne at the same time. Hyung lowered his head, buried his forehead in my shoulder, and hugged me so tightly it was almost suffocating.
“…myeong-ah.”
It was a familiar and firm pressure. At that moment, as if time had stopped, I couldn’t hear any sound in my ears. It felt like only hyung and I were left in this vast airport.
I didn’t care that two grown men were hugging in a crowded place. My heart was just beating fast. As I was tightly embraced by hyung, I held my breath at the small smacking sound near my ear.
His lips didn’t touch my earlobe. He had brought his lips close and made a sound as if kissing the air, but it made my hair stand on end as if he had really kissed me. A languid, low voice resonated in my ear.
“…Because I can’t really kiss you here.”
Saheon hyung exhaled lowly. It felt like my chest was becoming fluffy. The safe sense of solitude, as if only the two of us were left in this world, was broken by someone else’s voice.
“Aye, First Officer! How could you leave your rolly behind?”
“What made you so happy!”
Giggling questions were heard from behind. It was a habitually aegyo-filled and friendly voice. As if splashed with cold water, I slowly separated from hyung’s embrace. Saheon hyung sighed once more, then turned around with a mask-like smile.
“I’m just happy.”
As hyung’s large body moved away, I could see who had spoken to us. They were flight attendants wearing the uniform of the airline where hyung worked. Seeing them with their neat updos reminded me of hyung’s ex-girlfriends. The flight attendants spoke to us warmly.
“Hello. Is this your younger brother? He’s really handsome. I guess blood doesn’t lie.”
“Ah… He’s not my real brother, but a neighbor’s younger brother.”
Saheon hyung answered awkwardly and took his carrier from the flight attendant who had brought two carriers. Hyung’s large hand, not holding the carrier, gently stroked the back of my head a few times. Teasing poured out towards hyung, who had an embarrassed look.
“Really? You ran to him like lovers reuniting after 10 years, so I thought he was your real brother.”
“Even my oppa doesn’t do that with his real brother, sunbae-nim. They were almost like lovers, weren’t they?”
“But your dongsaeng is really handsome.”
“I thought he was an actor. He’s so handsome.”
Suggestive gazes poured towards me. Feeling embarrassed as I received the flight attendants’ gazes all at once, I unnecessarily looked up at hyung. Saheon hyung was hiding his troubled expression with a smile.
“Our baby is pretty, isn’t he?”
Saheon hyung, who had stopped stroking my hair, put his arm around my shoulders. Boos erupted with “Ooh,” and whispers of “He said baby, baby” were heard.
“First Officer is always affectionate, isn’t he? This is just for Captain Kwon.”
One of the flight attendants said, gently nudging her colleague’s arm as if seeking agreement. It was a friendly remark, but I was already distracted by the words “always affectionate.”
“If he’s like this with his dongsaeng, how must he be with his girlfriend? I’m so envious of First Officer’s girlfriend. Really.”
“Oh my, First Officer has a girlfriend?”
“You didn’t know? He keeps a photo of his girlfriend when she was young in his wallet and spends a long time looking at it and smiling. When I asked what he was looking at so intently, he even bragged about how cute she is. He’s such a romanticist. By the way, First Officer, this time in Atlanta…”
“Shh.”
Saheon hyung tried to stop them quickly, but the bombs kept dropping. Hyung’s hand, which was holding my arm, tensed. Thanks to that, I came to my senses and quietly looked up at hyung. Hyung seemed a bit troubled.
My heart sank anxiously. Before I could even bring up the question of certainty, hearing this kind of talk made me suddenly wish they would stop speaking. But the conversation continued.
“How many years apart did you say? Was it nine years?”
“…About that much.”
Saheon hyung answered embarrassedly. But a gap had already formed between my lips. A dull pain washed over me as if I had been hit on the back of the head.
“Nine years is almost a full zodiac cycle apart, isn’t it?”
“Thief, thief!”
“First Officer, I didn’t see you that way…”
The flight attendants, giggling a lot, seemed to be enjoying teasing Saheon hyung. Hyung answered with an embarrassed but affectionate gaze.
“Stop teasing. The thief will take care of her.”
The flight attendants laughed heartily, finding something very amusing, and jeered at hyung. But the shock I received showed no signs of receding. It felt like all the pieces were finally falling into place.
We had kissed, made out, had sex, and acted like lovers, so I thought it would be okay to confess this time, but that was a mistaken premise from the start.
Hyung had a girlfriend.
It was a relationship that could never be completed from the beginning. Heat rushed to my eyes at the fact I had ignored from the prologue.
